All comics by djte

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by djte
4-17-03
Matt Saye has a dialogue with a friend
So I was thinking. What do you think about this war?
Well, I...
What's the wizzing sound?
OH SHIT!
Well, that sums it up...another civilian casualty to cover up.

 

by djte
4-17-03
Somewhere south of heaven...
I'm telling you, my plan is working
Are you sure? Maybe we'd better check things out up top
In the Middle East
See! The war is going as planned
Ok... Why don't we check on your puppet?
"La La La... I'm the President..."
Clueless as usual... Now let me go put on my Cheney mask

 

by djte
4-17-03
Somewhere south of heaven...
I'm telling you, my plan is working
Are you sure? Maybe we'd better check things out up top
In the Middle East
See! The war is going as planned
Ok... Why don't we check on your puppet?
"La La La... I'm the President..."
Clueless as usual... Now let me go put on my Cheney mask

 

by djte
4-17-03
Matt Saye has a quandry
So I'm tired of being called a flower eating hippie. I mean, I AM a hippie, but I don't eat flowers
Hey man, don't bitch at me, I'm just a hallucination
The hallucination speaks
Yeah, but I mean, should I fight back against my detractors, or just let them live in their ignorance?
Well, just remember... what would Jesus do?
Goddammit these nails hurt! Umm... hey... guys... can you pull me down? I swear I won't send you to hell....really I won't. Bastards

 

by djte
4-17-03
A partying spring breaker finds something interesting...
Dude! Is that Osama Bin Laden?!
It IS! Dude what're you doing here in Florida?
Well, infidel, I figured hanging out with Spring Breakers was the last place I could be found.
Sadly, though, he forgot his priorities
Hey, man, you'll never guess what... I just found Osama!
Man, who care? We're at war with Iraq, now. THEY are our enemies. Now let's get fucked up and get some drunk chicks to kiss each other!

 

by djte
4-19-03
Death is having second thoughts
So, Satan... maybe we ought to leave things alone
You fool! Everything is going according to plan
Are you sure? I mean, c'mon, attacking Syria? I was ok with Iraq, but what has Syria done?
But if we attack Syria, then the Apocalypse can begin just as we discussed. All the nations will be so upset at this violation that someone will attack someone else, and then it begins!
Apocalypse!! I thought we were just trying to drum up some business!
Umm...yeah...well....gotta go!

 

by djte
4-19-03
Presenting... War..huh! What is it good for?
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Tonight I am proud to bring you a presentation from the front lines, brought to you by the U.S. of A.
In a moment, we'll pull back the curtain and gaze upon the wonders of liberation
Absolutley Nothing!
As you can see, the people truly have been liberated... of this horrible earthly existence. Hindsight's a bitch, isn't it.

 

by djte
9-09-03
Matt's having problems
So I'm trying to quit smoking....
Hey Matt, wanna go smoke?
but every time that I want to quite I meet these enablers
What? I am I blowing smoke in your face?
See what I mean? Jesus!

 

by djte
9-09-03
Still trying to quit
This whole quitting smoking thing's still not working... If I can just keep from thinking about it too much...
I'm having trouble concentrating...
CRAP! Not again!
Smoke me, smoke me, smoke me

 

by djte
9-09-03
Matt has a conversation with the Prez
Hey man, why are you so intent on doing all this devastation?
Me cause prolbems? That's unpossible!
His defenses are weakening
But dude, you're wreaking havoc on the world! There are daily deaths in Iraq caused by people we "liberated" as well as other terrorist activity
.............................
Damn!
...So when you get right down to it, nothing we've done has made anything safer, it's only lined the pockets of your friends.
Me cause deva... deva...deva... chaos? That's unpossible!

 

by djte
9-09-03
So maybe you thought my last comic was a little unpatriotic? Well I'm here to show you something
Ta Da! Is this good enough? Did I say it right?
See, I'll whore myself out to anything so long as I don't get hurt... I mean, as long as I love it enough
Shut up!

 

by djte
9-16-03
Hey Matt, why are you always changing your representation of yourself?
I don't know what you're talking about
Well... first there's the hippy, then just long haired guy...
I don't understand...
There goes any sense of continuity
What are you talking about? this abstract shit is EASY to follow.

 

by djte
9-16-03
and now presenting... matt's social commentary theater
So I just wanted to thank you guys for letting me be here tonight. How about that George W.? Is he dumb or WHAT?
Right. Fuck you guys, then... my humor is just WAY above all of you.

 

by djte
9-16-03
Look at me! I'm the fucking help icon that pops up in Microsoft Word! I appear at the most random and inopportune times and eat your RAM!
I offer insipid advice about all sorts of useless features that you could probably figure out faster without me. Did I mention that I'm fucking annoying???? Did I??? I bet I didn't???
What do you think about that?
OWWW, OH GOD, THE PAIN! IT HURTs SO MUCH, AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I guess my thoughts on the Word paperclip are pretty clear, then, eh?
Can you say catharsis?

 

by djte
9-18-03
So here at Ole Miss, the mascot is being contested. Some say that Col. Reb is offensive. I for one don't care one way or another. I don't really have school spirit. Let's ask an Ole Miss student.
What do you think about Col. Reb?
I love him! His face is plastered all over my Cadillac pickup truck that I don't use to haul things. Save Col. Reb!!!
There's the Colonel himself. So... why don't we have a look at the new mascot?
Ok
I'm uh... GENERAL Reb!!!
I think we're missing the point...

 

by djte
9-18-03
Satan is meddling again
Now you know what to do... start another war.
Ok, but if I start another war, will I get re-elected?
Of course. Am I the type of guy to go back on my promises?
.................
PERFECT!
WELL??
I suppose not. Let's tell them terrorerrists to bring it on!

 

by djte
9-18-03
After MUCH thought, W. has a question for Satan
Satan! I've been thinking about all this and I don't know if a war is all that great, I mean, what would Jesus do?
Well why don't you ask him?
George, follow your heart and do what Satan tells you.
Why is it so hot? And why does your voice sound like Satan?
No reason! Just do it!
Ok, good enough for me!

 

by djte
9-23-03
Introducing Captain Celebrity! Fighter for virtue and other good things. And his companion Surly the Magnificent
I am Captain Celebrity
Who gives a fuck?
Hilarity ensues due to their mismatched nature!
But I fight for Truth, Justice and other capitalized abstractions!
Let me check.... nope I still don't care
Hilarity, I say
Ummm... Quickly I hear a crime being committed!
I suppose I'll come along, there's nothing better to do

 

by djte
9-23-03
Come Surly! There is work to be done!
But it says here that vigilanteism is illegal
That's never stopped me before!
Well of course it fucking hasn't. Just let me get one thing.
Are you sure you're going to need that?
Of course. You never know when you'll have to chop up someone

 

by djte
9-23-03
Meanwhile... a supervillian is in the making
What's this? Another fucking bill? I've fucking had it!
Oh the agony! There's got to be something I can do...
Hmmm...... maybe I'll just take over the world!

 

by djte
9-23-03
Yes... Excellent. Why not? I'll become a supervillain. Now, what to call myself?
Hmmm....
How about... The Notorious Bad Guy! I like the sound of that. It has a nice ring to it!

 

by djte
9-23-03
Now as a supervillian, I'll need some sort of schtick...
I've got it! I'll do my hammer trick! That ought to stupefy and amaze!
Meanwhile...
Shh... I think I hear pure evil afoot!
Do you know why the villain gets a background but we don't?

 

by djte
9-23-03
Now Surly, you know you can't break down the imposed realism of the comic strip. You shouldn't eavesdrop in the other panels
Well if I shouldn't break down the realism, why are you breaking down the totality/isololation/stand-alone nature by referring to a previous stip without any lead-in or other frame of reference?
ummm......
Super-powers?
What the fuck ever.

 

by djte
9-30-03
The continuing adventures of Captain Celebrity and Surly the Magnificent!!
Surly! I hear the distress calls of the innocent! We must run forth and save them!
I'll distress call you mother fucker
Quickly! We must go to the Celebrity-mobile!
Ok, first off, I told you, I will NOT hang out with you if all of our devices' names have your name in them
Come Surly! We must go!
Secondly, is it possible for you to speak without everything being an exclamation?

 

by djte
9-30-03
Meanwhile at Notorious Bad Guy's Lair
Aha! at last! My robot is complete!
Now I shall unleash it upon the world!
Maybe it should do more than just have scary "arms in the air power"

 

by djte
9-30-03
The Notorious Bad Guy's robot has been unleashed!!
Oh my god! It's god arms-raised-above-its-head powers! RUN!!!
Don't worry little asian girl, I'll save you...holy shit! It DOES have arms-raised-avove-its-head-powers! Surly, help me!
No problem, let the guy with the axe handle it all...

 

by djte
9-30-03
The world is safe from the Notorious Bad Guy's evil robot. What comes next?
Well, we've done it. We've saved the world from the evil robot!
What's this we shit? I was the one who took care of it.
That may be true, but I helped.
No you didn't, you screamed like a child and ran away
But my running drew it toward you and your big axe!
Fuck this, I'm out!

 

by djte
9-30-03
Surly has defected and left Captain Celebrity!
Well, Surly has gone out on his own. I need a new sidekick. Will you be my sidekick
Fuck you, I'm a dog on a ball
What about you?
I would but i'm kinda stuck here
Will you be my sidekick?
I'd do it, but i'm kind of your nemsis

 

by djte
9-30-03
Surly needs a place to stay...
Hey, is it cool if I room with you?
Why me?
Well... you are the nemesis of that fuckhead Captain Celebrity
That I am
Well... that about sums up my reasons for wanting to stay with you.

 

by djte
9-30-03
Surly returns for the rest of his stuff...
Who the fuck are you?
The new sidekick...
How did you land this job?
Well, who else will hire an owl in a suit?
Good point
Besides... If he pisses me off, I have no problem killing him.

 

by djte
9-30-03
Surly! You're back!!
Shit, he's seen me
What are you doing here?
Just getting the rest of my stuff.
...oh, so you didn't come to rejoin me?
Not really.

 

by djte
10-21-03
and now, a look inside a teaching assistant's life at midterms...
god, is this taking forever. i fucking hate grading kids' papers. wait a minute... what's this?
actual quote from a student's midterm
"shakespeare was dead in the middle of the Renaissance when he wrote Macbeth"?
enough said
jesus fucking christ.

 

by djte
12-04-03
Sensing something, a Technology Demon crawls out of the woodwork...
Hmmm... what's this? it looks like a computer... maybe i can do something to it to really fuck up the life of its owner...
Yes, there IS a computer, it's just off the panel. Use your fucking imagination.
I think I'll sprinkle it with some "fuck up in the middle of printing the night before a paper is due" potion. The best part is, the computer is a month old, so he won't be expecting this at all.
I only got three hours of sleep because of this and a few other computer problems
MOTHERFUCKINGASSRAPIST-DONKEYPUNCHING-SHITBAG-FUCK-ASS-COCK-FUCKER!!!

 

by djte
12-04-03
This is another true story
So I was copying a bunch of study guides for the class i'm teaching when I happen to cut my finger on one of them.
At this point, the chair of the English Department walks into the copy room and sees me sucking on my finger. His advice?
Yes, I am literally depicting him as a chair. You got a problem, then fuck off.
Don't bleed on the new copier, Matt
Cock.

 

by djte
12-12-03
Presenting... True Stories from the Mississippi Delta!
Ok, so once again, i'm going to violate my students' privacy and tell some stories.
They're sad because they're true!
First of all, let's start with one student's spelling mistakes on an essay about Paradise Lost. I never knew it, but apparently SATIN is a fallen angel
The sound you hear is your brain attempting to process the fact that a fundamentalist christian spelled satan incorrectly
I never knew. Guess I'd better clean out Autumn's closet... i sure don't want to harbor any fallen angles in my house. (Yes, i've also heard that satan was a fallen angle).

 

by djte
12-12-03
First of all, i should apologize for the misnomer... I'm not in the Mississippi Delta, i'm farther north. Secondly, i'm not apologizing for sharing the idiocy of my students.
Another student tried to argue that Pride and Predjudice is an 18th century (age of reason) work because everything in it works out and happens for a reason.
...........
I've tried to be a good teacher and explain to them, but they just don't listen
Don't think too hard on this, you might have a stroke.

 

by djte
12-12-03
Mother fucker, you didn't do shit with me for like two fucking months. you know i'm a better character than that.
Best watch your tone, boy, i have powers beyond your imagination.
Like what?
Like this!
I'm so terrified, it's an overused gag.
Well, i had to find a segue to bring you back...

 

by djte
12-13-03
So, why exactly did you neglect me for so long?
Well, dude, you know... I got busy with school and shit.
And why exactly is it that you are portraying yourself as the owl? don't you know that you used the owl as the replacement sidekick for that fuckhead superhero you created?
Haven't you paid any attention to my previous work? I like the abstract shit that fucks up continuity. I like things to be crazy
Speaking of crazy, I guess now wouldn't be a good time to point out that you are also having a conversation with a fictional creation from your own mind?
Nope

 

by djte
12-15-03
Since I'm so keen on abstarct shit, i'm gonna break the flow of action for a minute and share some song lyrics with you
"I'm taking her home with me...
all dressed in white...
she's got everything i need...
pharmacy keys...
she's falling hard for me. i can see it in her eyes. she acts just like a nurse for all the other guys." available on the album "thirteenth step" by a perfect circle. thank you maynard james keenan

 

by djte
1-24-04
sorry for the interlude. here's more musical filler to keep you interested
here is why i love rap music so much
"watch my medallions my diamonds are reckless, feels like there's a midget hanging from my necklace"
"people say that i'm bad, some say that i'm evil cuz i go on actual blind dates with actual blind people"
"now it was five fat hoes and they looked like trash, but one was a midget so we'll just say four and a half"
i'll be back for real as soon as my students say something stupid. and maybe Surly will make another comeback
"take a look at your life it's no wonder you're sad cuz you put up with more shit than a colostomy bag"
this concludes our reading from the book of ludacris.

 

by djte
1-24-04
Ok, I've got something to say, but first let me assume the proper guise
That's better.
Ok, if we're going to get Bush out of office, then I think there's a fighting chance, provided there's a good candidate, because think about the youth vote.
End the Bush Dynasty
The number two spot on the Mtv charts is "megalomaniac" by Incubus, a song and video comparing Bush to Hitler. Get out and, to be stereotypical, rock the vote.

 

by djte
1-24-04
Ok, I've got something to say, but first let me assume the proper guise
That's better.
Ok, if we're going to get Bush out of office, then I think there's a fighting chance, provided there's a good candidate, because think about the youth vote.
End the Bush Dynasty
The number two spot on the Mtv charts is "megalomaniac" by Incubus, a song and video comparing Bush to Hitler. Get out and, to be stereotypical, rock the vote.

 

by djte
1-24-04
Alright, none of you asked for this (in fact no one's ever asked for any of my cartoons), but here it is, I'm quitting smoking again, and i figured i'd run another joke into the ground
goddammit, all i fucking want is a cigarette. or some zyban. or a hit album. but i'm stuck with the patch and the gum (for free, no less, thank you Ole Miss and scientific studies)
Hmmm.... what's this... "may not satisfy all cravings". true that.
I may be a one trick pony and this joke may have worn out its welcome, but for fuck's sake, i want a cigarette so cut me some slack
and "may cause hallucinations" nope. none of that
Hey there boyo... wanna indulge again?

 

by djte
1-25-04
Thursday January 24, 2004
Hey Matt, I'm the Chair of the English Department (remember?) and you're getting observed tomorrow by the professor you're working with
oh shit, i'd better make sure i'm looking sharp and kicking my A game
The next day during two of my three classes...
... and then all of a sudden the pope walks in...
Hmm... i like his teaching style. and he sure does look sharp
And then the analysis (translated from the German)
[Matt, you ask good questions and they seem to pay attention to you] Translation: Matt, you were wicked cool
*sniffle* thank you Dr. Trefzer... i'd just like to give a shout-out to God for all his help in this.

 

by djte
1-25-04
This one goes out to Justin
So i'm getting this chick from behind right...
and all of a sudden the pope walks in
He created this absurdist humor parable
and i'm like "holy shit, it's the pope"
and thus I believe he is complicit in my going to hell
Don't look at me like that.

 

by djte
1-26-04
This is a true story.
So for Christmas i happened to get a couple of video games since i have a new computer that should theoretically be able to handle them, right?
I mean, my old computer was five years old, so it's understandable that it can't run enter the matrix, especially since etm requires 4 gigs of hard drive space and that was the hard drive's size
I'm already in debt for the computer...
so i assumed that my brand new, mid-line computer would be able to handle them, right? i mean, 80 gb hard drive 256 mb ram, $100 a month credit payments...
but apparently god has a sick sense of humor. the BRAND FUCKING NEW computer still won't run these games. Why not, you ask?
But i did just get approved for a credit card. How bad can this be? I mean, who needs good credit history?
Well it seems that Dell does not like to include video cards that do not suck and are top of the line
the moral of the story? in order to play my new games i have to shell out an additional $80-100 just to upgrade my NEW FUCKING COMPUTER. God i fucking love technology

 

by djte
1-26-04
WhiteMonkey's already done this gag, but since his comics got deleted, here's a tribute and a shout-out to Prolific and Gifted
I'm cool with that.
So, ever wonder how many characters we can put into these dialogue boxes?
Not really.
12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890
Dude, get a life and stop rehashing old gags and stories

 

by djte
1-28-04
Now let's take it to our man on the street for some questions about cell phones
So, it seems like everybody has a cell phone these days. What do you think little girl?
I like Barbie, she tells me to shop.
.... Right. umm... next person. How do you feel now that you're brain is being irradiated and you disclose all your personal secrets by screaming into your phone in public?
Radiation? That's a load of bullshit!
A brief pause for irony...
How do YOU feel about cell phones?
Well obviously I hate them, but... (ringtone = "In Da Club") 'scuse me, i gotta take this one.

 

by djte
1-28-04
Why i love Rob Zombie (to get this joke, watch the DVD extras on "House of a Thousand Corpses")
Knock Knock
Who's there?
mahushafrshalma
mahushafrshalma who?
Tiny fucked a stump.
..........................................................................................................................................................oh, i get it

 

by djte
1-28-04
The key to good humor: find something abstract
I heard Englbert Humperdink died today.
Really?
Repeat it until it isn't funny.
No.... Yes, he was riding a car and... no i'm just kidding he... yes, he did
I'm confused
Then keep doing it until it IS funny again. Repeat. (Note: this works better in person and around people who aren't armed)
Really, he did die... No, he didn't........ Uh-huh, he did. Nope.
Cock... now where did i put that .45?

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