All comics by file13

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by file13
1-21-03
OKAY... TIME OUT FOR A QUICK CHECK...
SCYTHE... CHECK.
ROBE... CHECK.
SHADOWY BLACK GAPING HOLE IN ROBE FOR A FACE... CHECK.
YUP. YOU'RE MY ASSIGNMENT, DUDE.
WELL, THAT BLOWS.

 

by file13
1-21-03
I apologize profusely for scaring you. I understand perfectly, me being a huge bug and all. But I'd be on my way, only if you'll be so kind as to release me from your vertical blinds. Yes?

 

by file13
1-22-03
Congratulations, Wally, you have been selected to participate in this year's Model United Nations.
You and several hundred other students will represent the world's nations in an educational and instructive debate.
From this exercise, you will learn about diplomacy, global politics, and international law.
Hrm, I wonder what country they'll have me represent...
Later that week, at the Model United Nations...
Owww..... I just knew I'd end up as Israel.
Wow, Wally, you sure got your ass kicked again. Thank goodness I'm here to stop it from... oooh, pie!

 

by file13
1-22-03
Nikolai was confused. He had rented the hall and made the awards himself, but nobody showed up to claim them.
Then he remembered about the nomination process and how the finalists were chosen, and how every one of the finalists had pulled out in droves over the backlash.
Well, except the GLBT clique, but they just had their own ceremony in the Castro and blew off Austin.
I wonder if I can get the deposit back.

 

by file13
1-24-03
Allah be damned, I have run out of matches!

 

by file13
1-25-03
Meanwhile, at W.'s "D.C. Ranch" ...
Colin?
Yes, George?
How many allies do we have for this attack on Iraq I've got planned?
12, sir. There's the Taurans, the Scorpios, the Libras...
How many times have I told your boys at State to stop calling Miss Cleo for consulting purposes?
We did, Sir, but Condi threatened to put a pin in her voodoo doll of me.

 

by file13
1-25-03
It's Boxing Day in Heaven and Hell again!
Boy, won't this be fun!
Boy, won't this be fun!
IN HEAVEN
Instead of shoving hot pokers up the asses of the Damned, now I let them cool before shoving them up the asses of the Saved!
*GLURG*
IN HELL
They're still processing my paperwork in H.R. They say it will take 20,000 business days to process.

 

by file13
1-25-03
At Sharpton For President Headquarters...
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Huh?
Hello, I'm a fire, sent by those evil rich Jews. Mind if I burn things?
Funny, you don't look Jewish.
Jesse was never this much of a pain in the tuchus. Look, I'll just nosh on the couch and your files, yes?
Okay, but you need to clear out by five. The fire from the Bob Jones University folks already has an appointment then.

 

by file13
1-25-03
All across the United States, unprotected Microsoft SQL servers unleashed a horrific DOS attack on the Internet last night...
GACK
This, after Bill Gates gave a speech Thursday declaring one of Microsoft's top priorities to be security...
*GRUMLE* Where's the damned knob...
BURP
Thankfully, the vast majority of Americans still don't have a fucking clue about any of this stuff.
Ugh... need coffee... and everything will be fine...
IGNORANCE IS BLISS. CAN WE GO SURF FOR MORE PORN NOW?

 

by file13
1-26-03
Hey, Jesus, what are you doing?
I'm watching the Super Bowl.
So, who are you rooting for, the Bucs or the Raiders?
Actually I hate football. I find it barbaric and stupid
So you just watch it for the commercials, then?
No, I dropped the remote and I can't reach the knob because my wrists are nailed to this cross..

 

by file13
1-28-03
Thank you, Connie. CNN has just learned that Norman Mineta will be the off-site representative of the Bush Administration...
This is in case the Capitol is attacked and that a line of succession is necessary to keep the government running...
Despite his being a Democrat and under heavy medication for back surgery, like all gallant Democrats he's ready to serve his country in its time of need...
And we will be happy to provide our unbiased news to you, our audience, should Norman Mineta's kind and generous Democratic rule begin in tragedy tonight...
I hope this spike kills the part of my brain that keeps me from blocking this CNN horseshit and watching Fox News instead...
After all, it was Gore who won the popular vote, not Usurper Demon-Spawn Bush Junior, thousand-tongued lie-spewing abomination...

 

by file13
1-29-03
Okay, okay... I won't tap the glass with my cane ever again. Who knew the aquarium bought such cheap holding tanks?
= PLEASE DO NOT TAP THE GLASS =

 

by file13
1-30-03

 

by file13
1-30-03
Cloning is evil and should be stopped.
Cloning is good and has the potential to transform humanity.
Cloning is an abomination and insult to God.
Cloning is proof that life is a pattern without soul, therefore God does not exist to begin with.
Mother always liked you best! That's why she used your cells to create me!
I didn't cost anything to make. You cost three billion dollars.

 

by file13
2-02-03
"Susie, please don't touch the shuttle debris... it's not safe..."
Okay, I won't touch the shuttle debris.
"Susie, you really don't want to touch the shuttle debris... don't get any closer to the stuff, it's dangerous..."
Okay, mommy. Jeez! Lighten up.
"No, really, Susie, you really need to stay away from that shuttle debris... they say it's got all sorts of hazardous stuff in it..."
Are you planning on selling this tape to America's Funniest Home Videos like you did with the alligator that ate Jimmy?

 

by file13
2-07-03
Bob, I think your growth hormone experiment went out of control...
Okay, I'll get the shrink-juice and meet you at his stinger in an hour.

 

by file13
2-07-03
Bob, we can't keep seeing each other like this.
Why?
My husband's getting suspicious of the tree disguises.
But it's Christmas, and we fit in with your tree over there perfectly, Marsha.
Um, we don't have a Christmas tree, Bob.
So that three behind us is really... um... bye!

 

by file13
2-07-03
You are under my power...
You are getting sleepy... and sleepy...
When I snap my fingers, you will do as I command...
Awaken, my slave... um...
Damn, I don't have any fingers to snap!
I can't hear you thinking, either.

 

by file13
2-18-03
Conditions for surrender? Who needs conditions?

 

by file13
2-18-03
1... 10... 11... 100... 101...
11111100...11111101... 11111110... 11111111... *beep*
?OVERFLOW
Crap. I knew I should have bought a 16-bit friend instead of an 8-bit one.

 

by file13
2-21-03
AH, THAT'S MY CUE...
YEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!
Do I smell smoke?

 

by file13
5-14-03
In Howell Raines's office at the New York Times...
Thanks for seeing me, Howie. I'm sorry I lied in all those stories I wrote for you. I'd better resign.
Well, Jayson, we really need you for the diversity, despite your lack of journalistic integrity.
Unfortunately, some fools still believe that our paper still has integrity. After all, we say we have all the news that's fit to print, right?
But don't worry, though. We have a very important job just opening up you might be perfectly qualified for.
Next week, in the New York Times Cafeteria...
Okay, that's a Triple Timesburger and a large Coke. Would you like fries with that, Mister Raines?
I ordered a salad, but Reverend Sharpton would hand me my ass on a platter if I fired this jackass.

 

by file13
5-30-03
Reuben... you have 23 million and 101 votes!
Clay... you have only 23 million and 100 votes!
Reuben, you're the winner of American Idol!
For the love of God, either hand me the remote or pry the nail out of my hand so I can turn this shit off.

 

by file13
5-30-03
This cloning thing's got me spooked. First, it was just single cells.
Then it was mice... then cats... a sheep... a pig or two...
But now, a mule. A sterile creature, unable to reproduce on its own naturally, now duplicated genetically like a Xerox copy.
I shudder to think of what perversions of nature they will think up next.
Thank goodness that those humans haven't tried to clone us snowmen.
Um, Fred?

 

by file13
6-14-03
IF YOU SMEAR SHIT ON ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO EVOLVE THE SQUIRRELS INSTEAD OF YOUR UGLY ASS, OKAY?
Ook?

 

by file13
6-20-03
TICK TICK TICK TICK
TICK TICK TICK TICK
TICK TICK TICK TICK
TICK TICK TICK TICK
Let me guess. Senator Hatch's license agents found illegal software on you and now you're going to blow up?
NO, MR. SIMON, YOU'RE IN COMPLIANCE. I'M JUST COUNTING DOWN YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME FOR EXPOSING HIS HYPOCRITICAL ASS.

 

by file13
7-15-03
I hate looking in the mirror... I mean, look how much weight I've gained over the holidays...
And is that a zit? That's a zit! Damn it, I shouldn't eat so much chocolate! I need to fix this right now...
SMASH THE MIRROR!

 

by file13
7-20-04
Yeah, there was torture at the Kentucky Fried Chicken plant. I was there and I saw it happen.
Sickest thing I ever saw in my life. Brutal... ugly... nasty... the most disgusting things imaginable.
The worst was "Drumstick Rape." That's when you get a leg cut off, they bread and deep-fry it, and finally they rape them up the ass with it.
And if you think that's bad, you should hear the horrible things they did to the chickens!

 

by file13
11-23-04
This is totally beneath me. There's no freaking way I'm going to do this shit again.
I studied at Juliard, for fuck's sake! I'm Mork from Ork! I've raised millions for the homeless!
I've got scripts up to my ass, and my agent tells me to do Doubtfire again? Damn that son of a bitch!
But still, it's just a paycheck, right? And it's not like I have to shave my back hair or listen to those twats at Disney again.
"Okay, Robin... just walk up to the bars and smile. Harvey will do the rest."
What could they possibly come up with that the original didn't settle completely?
Oy, you sure got a pretty mouth, Bubbie.

 

by file13
11-23-04
"... and that's the CBS Evening News. Well, Grandma, gut my gopher. I guess the last person watching me *did* turn the lights off."

 

by file13
11-23-04
AND NOW, A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...
Hello. I'm a chicken. Let me first thank everyone for selecting turkey as the poultry of choice to eat on Thanksgiving.
You might want to consider turkey for all your poultry needs in the future, resorting to chicken meat only when the chickens are old, weak, infirmed...
In fact, why eat chicken at all? I myself have been bathing in a salmonella-infested pond for weeks. Ponder that when you think "free range" automatically means "healthy."

 

by file13
11-24-04
Yeah, you've seen this one before. A bunch of white teenagers heading off to the local haunted house to drink, get high, and have sex. But you know what?
Um... excuse me? Weren't there some teenagers I was supposed to scare tonight?
(Hold it a minute, pal.) That's not happening here. Compared to chickens, teenagers are difficult to train.
Also, they're horribly expensive when you buy them by the pound. Ever tried to buy boneless teenager breast at the butchers?
Can someone call my agent and get me out of this picture, please?

 

by file13
11-24-04
BOO!
BOO!
BOO!
BOO!
Okay, I've got nothing.
Boo?
Boo?

 

by file13
2-19-05
I'll be seeing you, George.
I don't think so. Just get out. Condi wants to paint and fumagate your cubicle.
Fine. Be that way. I'll just pick up my things and go.
Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way-
OUCH!
I suppose you want a Purple Heart for that, or are you going to hold out for a Nobel Prize?

 

by file13
3-05-05

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