All comics by lulz

Profile

 

by lulz
8-08-09
Havarti?
Gouda.
Coolea.

 

by lulz
8-08-09
Holmes, I'd like to talk to you about the way you scrutinize that girl.
She's way too young for you. She's in, what, junior high school?
Elementary, my dear Watson.

 

by lulz
8-08-09

 

by lulz
8-08-09
Damn.
Damn.
Ah ha! I finally found the thermometer, doctor! Can you believe someone hid it under a pile of rocks?

 

Christopher Robin - 1917
by lulz, 8-10-09

 

by lulz
8-10-09
I'm on my way home, honey, I'm on I-5 now.
Be careful! The radio reports there's a car driving the wrong way on that same freeway!
They say there's just one? I'm seeing hundreds of them driving the wrong way right now!

 

by lulz
8-10-09
Dear World,

I just cant take it anymore! I have decided ][
Looks like you're trying to commit suicide! First, tell us how you plan to kill yourself:
Pills
Jump
Pastry
Tips
Options

 

by lulz
8-12-09
A famous person has died. We go live to somewhere tangentially related. David, is anything happening there?
No.
Now a hastily edited set of clips while someone reads from wikipedia.
This person did some good things and also some bad things.
This just in, breaking news.
People have gathered where we are pointing our cameras.

 

by lulz
8-12-09
The meeting would have gone a lot better if you'd shown us the graphs.
No!
Come on, hand them over. We might still be able to convince the CEO of our idea.
NO!
Why the hell not, Leon?
*sighs* My two year old decided the graphs were boring, and added to them with a used diaper.

 

by lulz
8-12-09
So, kid, you think you have what it takes to be a member of The Corporation?
Actually, I--
We'll start you out in the mailroom, and see if we can move you up to junior tech by the end of summer. See ya, kid!
But I--
...But I'm the boss' son. It's 'Take Your Child to Work' Day...

 

by lulz
8-13-09
He-hello, that other guy locked me in he--
Ahh, the new mailroom clerk. A bit overdressed, aren't ye? Well, get sorting, those envelopes don't move themselves, kid.
But--but--
So if you could just get on that, that'd be greeaaat.
*lock*
Well... Okay, but, but I'm going to set the building on fire.

 

by lulz
8-13-09
Nobody puts Baby in the corner!
--uhh, except...
...the mother!

 

by lulz
8-13-09
Honey, I'm home!
Hi, dear! How was your day?
The usual bull. I tell ya, some days I just see red.
Udderly fascinating.

 

by lulz
8-17-09
What the--?!
Ahahaha!
Things have certainly been more interesting since they hired that clown...

 

It's rare, but not impossible, for a guy to be called frigid...
by lulz, 8-17-09

 

by lulz
8-19-09
When I was about 11, my mom broke her ankle. One day, I was boredly playing with her wheelchair out in the driveway.
This couple drove by in a sedan, stopped, and got out. The man reached into his wallet and handed me a $20 bill.
The lady patted my arm and said, "God bless you." I realized they had the wrong idea about me and this wheelchair.
Because I was an honest kid, I stood up, my arms wide, to show them I was not in need of a wheelchair. "No, see, I'm not--"
They jumped back, their eyes boggled, they ran back to their car, and drove off, the $20 still in my hand.
For a week afterwards, I daydreamed of ways of making money with this wheelchair...

 

by lulz
8-19-09
Don't think about boobies... don't think about boobies...
Smooth, Larry, really smooth.

 

by lulz
8-19-09
Look, boobies!
And tits!

 

by lulz
8-19-09
Uhh, sir, I do believe the water cooler needs fixing.
You don't say.

 

by lulz
8-19-09
Ooh! Oooh! Hmm, I'm really thirsty, so for my first wish, I'd like water.
You asked for it, bub.
*sploosh*
Well, considering how that last one went, I'm rather hungry, how about a sub?
Anything else, genius?

 

by lulz
8-19-09
And now, a word from the oldest living little person from the Wizard of Oz.
*sighs*
...
Just my luck, I'm too short for anyone to see me in these frames.

 

One 'undreds, brah, one 'undreds.
by lulz, 8-20-09

 

by lulz
8-20-09
Sir, you're going to have to move that limo.
I'm just the security guy. Here, let me get the driver.
Hey, Bubba!
... Oh look, someone dropped a piece of chewing gum. Shame on them. Welp, I better mosey over and give them this ticket...

 

by lulz
8-20-09
Oh no, a call of distress! Super Snail is to the rescue! I am on my way! Ehn!
Ehn! Ehn!
A few years later...
Ehn! ... Hmm, the call of distress has ceased. Should I bother going to see what that was about?

 

by lulz
8-20-09
Why are you wearing that helmet, Matt?
It's to protect me from the noxious gasses I'm about to unleash!
Uh, Matt...
*FERT!*
You do realize that a pressure suit keeps your farts contained in a very small space, right?
Yeah, I need to think this out a bit further. *gasps for air*

 

by lulz
8-21-09
The worst thing about having a short attention span is
What? Is what?!

 

by lulz
8-21-09
AUGH!
Okay, so 3 x 6 equals what?
Mom, this tutor is traumatizing meee!

 

by lulz
8-21-09
Damn it!
What's wrong, dear?
I'm stuck in the chimney again! Augh! Help, Mrs. Claus!
Well, Santa...
Stupid milk and cookies...
If you'd use the front door like a normal person, your bowl full of jelly belly wouldn't be an issue.

 

by lulz
8-21-09
Everything is in black and white, like the stark depths of my soul.
You're already in Oz, dear, stop being emo.
Go, my pretty, get those red shoes!
Geez, lady, you could order all the shoes you want online...
Sorry, Dorothy, my hot air balloon is not within my control! Find your own ride, toots!
Oh, that's just brilliant, I'm sentenced to this technicolor nightmare. I'd cut myself but the lollypop guild would just sing me back to health.

 

by lulz
8-21-09
This plane appears to be ripping apart.
No shit, Sherlock.

 

Bray fart.
HEE-HAW!
by lulz, 8-21-09

 

Fish schtick.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar...
by lulz, 8-21-09

 

Smoked bacon. (Oh come on, did you really need me to explain this one?!)
by lulz, 8-21-09

 

by lulz
8-23-09
I just walked in the door.
You should walk through it. Walking in the door smooshes your nose.
Gah, I didn't say I was walking into the door. Fine, I walked through it.
Wow, you plowed right through that sucker, didn't even bother opening it?
Augh! lmao
:)

 

by lulz
8-23-09
I'd like to order a burger, and a side of fries, and a large--
Sir, you do realize that the phrase "drive-through window" is not to be taken literally, right?

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Check, please!
Elsewhere on the board...
Sire?
Easy, Rook...

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Ooh, look, sir, you may already be a winner.
I don't reply to those scammy sweepstakes.
But you may already be a winner. Here!
But I don't want it! You can't make me accept it!
Accept it.
Ulp... Well, lookie here, I may already be a winner...

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Beam me up, Scotty!
Very funny. Now beam up my clothes.

 

by lulz
8-23-09
O rly?!
As I was trying to say, I'd like a beer in front of me, not a frontal la-beer..ectomy. Or something.
Ahh, my mistake.

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Movie sign!
This next feature is so rivoting you'll be on the edge of your seat!
I can barely contain my oil! Let's watch!
Watching Paint Dry: The Saga of Boredom.
My god! I cannot wait for them to put on the second coat! This is a movie for the ages!

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Mmm... nice ass.
EXCUSE me?!

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Son, I won't listen to another word. You're going to clown school and that's the end of it.
But, dad!! I want to be a doctor, or a lawyer! I want people to take me seriously!
I... I have no son. Leave your whoopie cushion by the door. Get out.
And I'm going to eat real food instead of whipped cream pies! And I'm getting a real car so that my 20 friends don't have to cram into that two-seater!

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Perv! I'm calling the cops! How dare you leer at m--
What! What is it?!
Uhh, sis, I don't think he's staring at you...

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Due to a typo in the newspaper...
...instead of a survey asking questions about a new product called Cereal Chillers...
...the ad advertised about axing serial killers.

 

by lulz
8-23-09
Augh!
I don't get it. As soon as I tell a guy I have crabs, they disappear. What is up with that?
Dunno.
Beats me.
What a jerk.

 

by lulz
8-24-09
No, that's okay, I do not require sustenance, and my mortal love will be back from the restroom hencewith.
Oh, but sir, you haven't touched your water! Let me pour you some coffee, or offer you some cake, or...
No, really, it's okay, I'm on a really restricted diet. No, no thank you. No. You are too kind, but I must decline.
Breakfast? Something from our appetizer menu? A glass of wine? Dessert?
20 minutes later, the overly-helpful waitress was still at it.
Where the hell is Bella...?
Come on, sir, order something so that I may slip you my number on a piece of paper. I mean, supply you a napkin.

 

by lulz
8-24-09
Acme Tech Support, Melvin speaking. How can I help you?
I can't install my printer.
I see. What are you doing?
Well, the computer keeps giving me this error, "Cannot find printer." Even when I hold the printer up to the screen, it says it can't find it.
Ma'am, have you installed the printer drivers?
What are those?

 

by lulz
8-24-09
All we need is a tank. How do I ask for that using the ready-made, automatically translated text?
Try {meat} {Shield} {Can I have it?}
>> Archer: {meat} {Shield} {Can I have it?}
Here goes...
>> Tank: {Invite me!}
Hahaha!
Works for me every time.

 

by lulz
8-24-09
And after nine months, the baby is born!
So, any questions?
Agoo.
Mrow?
Harvey, I feel ridiculous.
Diane, you have to teach kids younger and younger these days, in a language they can understand.

 

by lulz
8-25-09
(Texting) Is the phone with you or the boyfriend?
(Me, texting) It's with me.
(Texting) That's not very helpful.
(Me, texting) I'm such a twit, aren't I? Zan.
(Me, texting) Wait for the second message that will explain the first. And then wait for this message which will explain the first two.
(Texting) =P

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