All comics by pita

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by pita
9-15-01
Meanwhile, at the office paper shredder...
Man, I have a plane to catch, and I need copies of this stuff... my secretary just left and I don't know how to work this thing, do you?
mmm hmmm, sure...
Great, can you handle this for me?
sure, no prob... I'll take care of it right now...
but.... I'm... a... paper... shredder...

 

by pita
9-26-01
You know the difference between a regular bachelor party and a bulimic bachelor party?
squeek
At a regular bachelor party, the GIRL comes out of the CAKE...

 

by pita
10-09-01
Man, WHAT is WRONG with you???
I told you I couldn't spell...
Yeah, but for cryin' out loud, use some common sense...
I told you I couldn't spell...
You go looking for sex in a warehouse???
I told you I couldn't spell...

 

by pita
10-17-01
Honey, there was a phone call for you today...
someone from Gyno College...
who said that Pabst Beer is normal....

 

by pita
10-20-01
Man, I still can't shake that eerie feeling I got when I went out with that girl in San Francisco...
there was just something about her...
You know what they say, don't you?
what?
Women there are like chocolates. You never know which one has nuts.

 

by pita
10-20-01
You know how they separate the men from the boys in San Francisco, don't you?
No, and I'm afraid to ask...
With a crowbar.

 

by pita
10-23-01
How about a quickie before I go? Hmmmm?
What, are you crazy? Right here? What if someone sees us?
Awww, c'mon, baby, please? I know you want it too... c'mon, don't be like that...
I don't know... I don't think we should...
Daddy says either you do him, or I do him, or daddy will come downstairs and do it himself, but for cryin' out loud, take your hand off the intercom...

 

by pita
10-25-01
I have a confession...you see, during World War II, there was this beautiful woman who knocked on my door asking me to hide her from the Germans...so I hid her in my attic and they never found her.
That was a good deed. Why do you think you need to confess this?
Well, there's more... in return for hiding her, I made her pay me every day with sexual favors.
Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a tremendous risk. I'm sure that if you're truly sorry, God, in his wisdom and mercy, will forgive you.
What a relief ! O.K., I have one more question... Do I have to tell her that the war is over?

 

by pita
10-27-01
The things women dream of are World Peace... Love... Cuddling babies...
Eliminating hunger and disease... What do you dream of, Dan?
Hmmmm... let me think about that for a minute...
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint chicks. Definitely.

 

by pita
10-29-01
Did you know that in the U.S.A. alone there are over a half million battered women ?
Well, imagine that ! And all this time I've been eating them plain !
...this might just make it to strippercreator...

 

by pita
10-29-01
The new electric lawn mower is here !!!
Yeeehahhh !!!
Now we can find our way back to the house, honey !!!

 

by pita
10-30-01
Right smack in the middle of a severe Asthma attack...
**cough** **wheeze** **pant**
Hey, baby, whatcha doin' tonight?
**cough** **wheeze** **pant**
I'd like to squeeze your @#^% and slide my &$%@ up your....
**cough** **wheeze** **pant**
wait a minute...did I call you, or did you call me?

 

by pita
10-31-01
Pantsy, as my old friend Will Rogers used to say...
"I never met a man I didn't like."
Oh, yeah? Well, he never actually had to date one, now did he?

 

by pita
10-31-01
How do you like your dinner, honey?
Man, this meal isn't fit for a pig !
Well, here, honey, I'll take it back to the kitchen and fix you one that is, O.K?
That's more like it. Thanks... I think...

 

by pita
10-31-01
You know, you don't deserve a man like me.
That's true...
I don't deserve arthritis, either, but I have it as well...

 

by pita
11-01-01
How do you want your ad to read, Ma'am?
"For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Good condition...
$500.00 or best offer. No longer needed... got married...
Husband knows virtually everything"

 

by pita
11-02-01
Ya know, there never was much eye contact with him... my eyes would have had to be in my chest for that...
It galls me, I was never a crotch - watcher, and I guess I expected the same courtesy...
Ooohh, look at the rear end on HIM...
Hubba Hubba !

 

by pita
11-07-01
Pantsy, I have this friend who seems to be obsessed with pregnant psycho-babble and inane pseudo-assertions...
A woman once told me that the future of comedy is in dick and fart jokes...
she was a church-goin' lady...
Well, you know you've made the big time when Wierd Al starts raggin' on you...

 

by pita
11-20-01
Now, Mrs. Bluetip, how was your first marriage terminated ?
By death
And by whose death was it terminated ?

 

by pita
11-20-01
Mrs. Bluetip, is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice sent to your attorney ?
Uh....
No, I always dress like this...

 

by pita
11-21-01
Mrs. Bluefin, is that your husband over there?
Unfortunately, yes...
Now, I understand your husband offered you indignities.
No, he didn't offer me nothin'... except the kids...

 

by pita
12-04-01
Hey, Dad, today at school they chose me for a part in a play we're doing !
The play is called "Oy Vey", and I'll be playing the part of a Jewish husband !
Son, go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

 

by pita
12-06-01
Do you know where I can find a good lawyer ?
Try the cemetery.

 

by pita
12-06-01
They're a hangin' the unknown comic, poor ol' Brown Paper Joe, tomorrow.
How'd he get a name like Brown Paper Joe ?
Funny fella, he wears brown paper bags all over, on his arms, his legs, his feet and his head, just 'bout everywhere.
Strange... what're they hangin' him fer?
Rustling.

 

by pita
12-07-01
According to your insurance application... you've never had an accident ?
Nope, ain't had nary a one.
But it says you were bitten by a snake once, don't you consider that an accident ?
Nope... that dang varmint bit me on purpose !

 

by pita
12-13-01
Jesus Saves ! ! !
Jesus Saves ! ! !
No way ! Not on my paycheck he couldn't...

 

by pita
12-28-01
Snow killing roses and fur balls from kittens, Bright Doppler radar screens, more will be hittin'... Brown paper packages with foreign things, These are a few of my least favourite things...
Guys in white turbans with armament stashes, Anthrax that stays on the nose and eyelashes... Silvery-white powder that kills everything, these are a few of my least favourite things...
When I have a nasty head-cold, When I'm feeling sad... I simply remember my least favourite things, and then I feel twice as bad...

 

by pita
1-01-02
Big Evil Dan's been missing for weeks now... I'm gettin kinda worried about him.
Why don't you say a prayer for him?
...and forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who trash bash against us...
and please, not The Temptations, but deliver us Big Evil Dan...

 

by pita
1-01-02
I mean, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail...
and please keep your eyes open for Big Evil Dan...
Okay, I love you... bye bye...

 

by pita
1-02-02
Hiya folks ! Don't mind us...
We're just the skeleton crew...
working the graveyard shift...

 

by pita
1-08-02
In the tiny little town of Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania...
Oh, cool, my new Palm Pilot is here !
Let's see now... "Using your Palm to your best advantage"... "Your Palm: Your best friend in a time of need"...

 

by pita
1-11-02
I've learned that you shouldn't expect love in return... wait for it to grow in their heart, but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
I've learned that you don't love someone for their looks, you look for love in the one that makes your heart smile.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned that it takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone you loved.
I've learned that love is... about $100.00 an hour...

 

by pita
1-28-02
Hey, Winston, how goes it ?
Hey, it's Joe Camel ! I haven't seen you in ages !
Things are pretty Kool for me lately, how 'bout you ?
Great ! On my way to see that sweet little Virgina Slim !
I'm on my way to the Pall Mall to get a gift for Misty !
Sounds like a Lucky Strike for you, then, as well ! See ya 'round !

 

by pita
1-29-02
I'm about to pay $3,000. for window blinds... *sob*
Geez, Wirth, that's a shitload of money to be dumping into window blinds.
I thought so too - I say the $200. worth of temporary blinds we have were just fine, but my wife disagrees.
I'll gladly take your $200. worth of temporary blinds for the dump I'm living in !
Cool, but you'll have to sign my name to the deed for me !

 

by pita
1-29-02
The doorbell rings in the Wirthling household...
"Hello... blind man here... "
But they're stark naked, and kinda busy, y'see...
"Anybody home ? I have a delivery for you... "
Honey, it's O.K., you can let him in - he won't see us - he's blind !
So, trusting her hubby, she answers the door in her birthday suit...
Wow ! O.K., lady, where do you want these blinds ?

 

by pita
1-30-02
Back in the tiny little town of Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania...
"Check out our brand new Palm i705 wireless handheld! For just $449. you can stay in touch, 24/7 with all your needs..."
*Access your favorite web content using the MyPalm portal... *Customizable message notification feature: It beeps, flashes, buzzes, vibrates...

 

by pita
1-31-02
Hey, you there ! Why are you just standing around ? How much do you get paid weekly ?
About a hundred dollars, sir...
Here, take this hundred. I'm letting you go ! Now, GET OUT and don't come back !
How long has that slacker worked for our company ?
Oh, he didn't work here. He's the FedEx guy. He was delivering a package.

 

by pita
1-31-02
You, there! You're new here. What's your name ?
Jon, sir.
Listen up. I am to be referred to ONLY as MR. SMITH. I call my employees ONLY by their last name. Kaufman, Billings, etc. Using first names breeds familiarity and leads to breakdown in authority.
Sorry, sir. My last name is Darling.
O.K., Johnny, let's start your training, then.
Jon, sir.

 

by pita
2-01-02
I'll need two chickens, 4 pizzas, two bottles of cola... Oh, and some garlic bread. We just moved house. I'm so glad to find Pizza-in-a-jiffy here in our new neighborhood !
I'm new to the neighborhood, too. In fact, can you tell me how to get to Kanga Street from here? I moved to 34 Roo Street, off Kanga.
Sure, that's no problem ! I live at 23 Roo Street. I'll show you a shortcut through the alley behind the pizza shop.
Well... I don't know... I mean, ducking down an alley with a total stranger, for all I know you could throw me up against a wall, yank up my skirt and ravish me...
Lady, I'll be carrying all this food ! How do you think I'd be able to manage something like that ?
Well... I could carry the chickens and the pop for you, you could put the pizzas on the roof of a car...

 

by pita
2-06-02
About every seven years... women go
Gee, I wonder why I was born ?
through serious thought changes...
I wonder what the real meaning of life is... and when my true love will come along... ?
I wonder exactly how much Healthy Choice ice cream I can eat before it's no longer a healthy choice... ?

 

by pita
2-13-02
Hon, I thought up a poem for you... Roses are awful, violets are the pits, lift up your shirt and show me those...
WHOA there, Romeo!
You're too drunk, you're too flighty. I'm having a deadbolt installed on my nightie.
OK, how about this one... You're the greatest, you're the best... You're as untouchable as Elliott Ness... ?

 

by pita
2-14-02
Hey man, whatever happened to our old friend DexX?
I dunno, he just disappeared off the face of the earth.
Damn, I'm stuck in this position 'till he gets back, I guess.
He was moving but should've been back online by now.
Man, he's missing National Orgasm Week !
Oh yeah ! The holiday that 98% of the women pretend to celebrate !

 

by pita
2-18-02
Pantsy, what do you think of those Victoria's Secret commercials ? Personally, I hate them. I mean, how many women *really* look like that ?
Oh, yeah, those... Well, I bought a thong there once, and promptly lost it up my butt.
Then I tried a Wonder Where They Went bra.
I think Victoria's big Secret is that no one over a size 3 can fit into their merchandise !

 

by pita
2-20-02
Momma, the storm is scarin' me real bad...
It'll be OK, sweetie, it's time to tuck you in for the night. C'mon, let's get you to bed.
Momma, pleeeeeeeeez, can you sleep with me tonight ?
Honey, you'll be fine. Besides, I can't sleep with you, I have to sleep in Daddy's room !
Daddy's such a wuss...

 

by pita
2-20-02
Simple Simon met a Pieman going to the fair...
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman...
Hey, what have you got there ?
Said the Pieman unto Simon...
Pies, you big dumbass...

 

by pita
2-24-02
o/` All in all...
I'm just a...
'nother clip on the wall... o/`

 

by pita
2-26-02
What did you learn at Sunday School this morning, sweetie ?
Well... let's see...
We learned that St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, and he preached about holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage...
We also learned that Christians can only be married to one person... I think that's called monotony...

 

by pita
3-01-02
C'mon in, but you should know up front that I don't believe in swinging both ways.
I stand solidly on this. It might seem like fun at first, but sooner or later someone would get hurt.
Oh, and believe me when I tell you... *everything* hinges on being well hung.

 

by pita
3-01-02
You must wait on your Queen...
You must satisfy your Queen...
You must service your Queen...
You must work for your Queen...
You must sex your Queen...
You must do it with your Queen until your reproductive organs fall off and you die...

 

by pita
3-02-02
Hard to get girls into bed with all that sticky stuff on their legs...
There would be cool new striped uniforms for all football teams !
Flavor-of-the-month at all ice cream shoppes : Honeysuckle Rose Fudge
Because of all the stingings to his face, Michael Jackson would be whiter than white.
There would be no need for Lorena Bobbitt... guys die after their first sexual encounter.
Oh, and... Women would definitely rule the world.

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