All comics by slappypyne

Profile

 

by slappypyne
8-17-04
But, Billy, where are you going?
I must leave, my highly adictive friend. MCLA is just a place I visit now.
But if you leave who will drop me on the floor with the rest of the ashtray? No one spilled cigarettes like you, Bill. You were king!
...
Is that a tear in your eye.
...no...

 

by slappypyne
8-17-04
You know that you want it.
No, I don't. I can controll myself.
I'll drive...
...
An hour and fifteen minutes later...
Yes?
HURRY!! If I don't get a dozen with sause right now I think I'm going to die!

 

by slappypyne
8-18-04
A Townhouse 69 Exclusive:
Long thought lost to the world, I introduce to you... Katie.
Hello, Internet! I've brough enough sidewalk chalk for everyone! Enjoy!
So, Katie, where have you been this summer?
I was either at home or at other places. I'm not really sure. But I had a good time!
The new house needs to have a quote board...
Did that dog just say something?

 

by slappypyne
8-18-04
OK, WHO'S NEXT?
What the Hell am I doing here?

 

by slappypyne
8-19-04
Slappy: "Well, I remember..."
Get the fuck out of my way you ugly, echo-less whore.
Listen to me, you little fucking queef. I'll rip your fucking feet off and make a wish.
"And then there was the one..."
Wascully Wabbit, I want to hear you squeal wike a pig.
You're about to have a greater appreciation for your wife. And that's because you are about to find out what it's like to be a woman.
I don't think I'd let MY children watch them. If that's what you're asking. Plus, that last one was a little gay.
Fascist.

 

by slappypyne
8-19-04
So, there we were and for my last night we couldn't decide wether to go with the new Dom or the Dom from 1993.
Always go for vintage. Only hobos and unwed teenage mothers drink non-vintage champagne.
And you're SURE you're not gay? I know this cutie looking for a younger guy.
If you want his number...
Big, nelly bottom...

 

by slappypyne
8-19-04
I can't believe that Bill left us.
He's not all that happy about it either, Bret.
This is like the worst thing to happen to us.
Think of it this way: now there will be more girls who have nowhere to fall but in your lap.
Really?! Where?!
Thanks. Now I have to live with the image of your naked body in my head for the rest of my life. I'm going to go and bleach my eyes.

 

by slappypyne
8-19-04
Here is a review of the movies I saw this summer. I watch them Don't waste you're time. Read a book.
Shrek 2
Puss-in-Boots! Purrrrrr.
Ain't that just the sweetest fucking thing ya' ever saw?
Fahrenheit 9/11
George W. and I are practicaly sisters!

 

by slappypyne
8-20-04
Excellent! Another victory for us and the world still doesn't know we exist!
What do we do now?
We could smoke and listen to some Mars Volta.
Hey, let's roll that old lady and take her money!
That's the worst children's show idea I've ever heard.
Well, you can't judge a work in progress. I'll have you read the script when I'm done. I call it Finger Puppets of Doom.

 

by slappypyne
8-20-04

 

by slappypyne
8-20-04
I said, "No."
Then things get a little fuzzy for awhile...

 

by slappypyne
8-20-04
Here are more of the movies that made me loose my faith in humanity this summer.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
So this little rat-guy is responsible for my parents' deaths? That sounds strained.
And your Mom cried like a bitch, too.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
I'm so high I don't think I can make another racist joke.
I can. What's purple and sits on my front lawn?

 

by slappypyne
8-24-04
He likes it when you call him Big Papa.

 

by slappypyne
6-14-05
Townhouse 69 presents our own version of the hit ABC series "Lost." Enjoy!
I'd like to state one more time that I think this is a stupid idea.
Previously on "TH 69's Lost"
You go to the bathroom for a second...
There better be some Grey Goose in that coconut or we're going to have a problem.

 

by slappypyne
6-14-05
This week on "TH 69's Lost"
Although I wonder when we'll be resuced, I do love it here on this quiet little island.
Still... I can't help feeling like there's something horrible on this island that wants to hurt us all and we should leave right away.
Maybe it's just me.

 

by slappypyne
6-14-05
Still dazed by the plane crash Slappy has yet to notice that not only was Beth on the flight, but she survived as well.
Suddenly one of the jet engines explodes...
Well, that plot didn't last as long as I thought it would...

 

by slappypyne
6-15-05
Slappy, I can't believe no one has any idea what happened to our plane.
From what I understand, the dog might hold the key as to why our plane went down, Bill.
Later...
Little Fucker! If it weren't for him I could be talking on my cell phone with Dori RIGHT NOW!
Even later still...
Were you able to find out anything from the dog?
I found out that dogs are indeed mortal. Does that count as something?

 

by slappypyne
6-15-05
While others build a raft and collect food Breton makes his way into the jungle.
This fucking sucks.
Where's the TV? Where's the NES? Where's the fucking "bags"?
Katie, how did YOU get here?
I have no idea.

 

by slappypyne
6-15-05
Still on the mystery island...
I wish I could find my bags so I could change. I could be getting a tan right now.
Is this your bag buried over here in the sand?
It is!!! Oh my God! Billy, you are the best.
Hey, I do what I can.
That feels so much better. Thank you.
No, thank YOU.

 

by slappypyne
6-15-05
Hey, Bill, have you seen Bret?
He went off into the jungle, something about the wreckage of a small plane that he wanted to investigate.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee...
I'm really sorry. No one is going to get this joke unless they know both Breton and the show "Lost" very well. I might be the only one getting this joke.

 

by slappypyne
6-20-05
I'm your damn girlfriend and THIS is the best likeness you could find for me?!
You're lucky. Many others have been far worse.
Yeah, I'm not blonde.
I'm only 30 years old.
I don't think I've ever worn a trenchcoat.
Actually, I'm pretty close to the real thing.

 

by slappypyne
6-20-05
You know, being stuck together on a desert island has its advantages.
Like what?
Well, we could do that thing we saw on SVU last night without fear of the police coming in to stop our fun.
You're a pervert. I'm not going to rape a teenager with a Fruit2o bottle.
Hey, no use letting a good idea go to waste...

 

by slappypyne
6-20-05
It's been two days since Slappy has had a cigarette...
Becka comes to check on her goy toy
How are your cigarette cravings? You OK?
You know me, will power out the yin-yang.
Later that day...
Hey, buddy! How's it going?
It's all in your head... It's all in your head... It's all in your head...

 

by slappypyne
6-20-05
We haven't heard from anyone since the crsh.
Still... I can't shake the feeling that someone or something is watching us. Possibly mocking us.
So the idea is that all the characters from "Townhouse 69" got trapped on the island from "Lost"? That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard.

 

by slappypyne
6-21-05
That feels so good. What is that you are doing with your tounge?
WHAT?! WHO IS THAT?!
Hey, I thought you were Jesse!
I thought YOU were Jesse!
Wanna just turn the light back off and pretend?
Yeah, I guess...

 

by slappypyne
6-21-05
Bill, did you see the hatch? What do you think is inside of it? It could be almost anything!
I told you before, this whole "Lost" thing is stupid and I'm not playing along.
I hate you, Bill.
I know you do, Slappy.

 

by slappypyne
12-01-05
Hello, and thank you for joining us tonight. I'm Holly Darling and tonight we're going to start right away with a story from my co-anchor, Robert Manson.
Thank you, Holly.
Earlier today US customs agents stopped a reported 4500 pounds of marajuana from coming accross the Canadian border. It is thought to be the largest...
A short time later...
Bret, I just heard on the news... I'm so sorry.
I know... I know...

 

by slappypyne
12-01-05
Inside the hatch Slappy hears a voice in the darkness repeating a string of numbers over and over again...
I can hear someone repeating numbers...
4... 8... 15... 16... 23... 42... 4... 8... 15... 16... 23... 42...
The voice seems to be coming from down this hallway.
4... 8... 15... 16... 23... 42... 4... 8... 15... 16... 23... 42...
Bret?! That was you repeating those numbers? What do they mean?
Those are the ages of the girls in this porn I just downloaded. I can't get over it. 4... 8... 15... 16... 23... 42...

 

by slappypyne
12-01-05
Inside the hatch Slappy finds Bret typing away at a computer.
The film strip said you must never use the computer for anything other than entering the numbers.
And what is it that you're looking at now?
SUBLIMEDIRECTORY.COM, it's the best.
Yeah, let me know if you find anything good...
Later...
Slappy! Slappy, come quick. I think I found RamJam.

 

by slappypyne
12-05-05
And what would YOU like for Christmas, little boy?
I don't know her name, but I have a phone number and a vauge description.
And what would YOU like for Christmas, little boy?
Just cash, fat man.
And what would YOU like for Christmas, little boy?
I want one of your elves. What I do with it is my own business.

 

by slappypyne
12-06-05
Slappy: "Sometimes I dream that I'm on 'Jeopardy!' and I'm kicking ass."
EVIL for $400. And the answer is, "In the 1980s a pool of slime congealed forming this creature of pure evil that took human form, ruining the lives of every person it meets."
Who is Beth?
"It's like the answers were written just for me. Every question of mine was right."
STATES for $1200. And the answer is, "This state is rightly called 'The South of the North' because of the toothless hicks that wollow and breed there."
What is New Hampshire?
"But, in my dreams, the prizes have gotten better."
As you know, this season we changed the rules and as a 5-Day Champion you get the power to choose who lives and who dies!
Cool.

 

by slappypyne
12-06-05
Based on (unfortunately) a true story.
Hello, welcome to Comcast. How can I help you?
Someone is stealing my cable TV.
Why do you say that? Are there weird cables or wires somewhere in your house?
No. I know someone is stealing it because there are more commercials on my TV than there used to be. Someone is TAKING my TV shows and replacing them ads.
Don't... hurt... the... old... woman...
You don't think those TV thieves followed me here, do you? I'm so afraid they're going to get me one day.

 

by slappypyne
12-06-05
Based on a true story.
Welcome to Comcast. How can I help you?
Listen to me, you cracker-ass cracker...
Whoa! Hold on, did you just really call me a "cracker-ass cracker"?
Yeah, what of it?
There's no need to say racist things, there are children in line behind you.
I ain't no motherfucking racist, you pale-ass cracker.

 

by slappypyne
12-06-05
Based on a true story.
I spoke with the collections department about paying $300 so my cable could get turned back on. Why isn't it on? Here's my reciept for my payment.
Ma'am, this is a Hanaford's receipt.
That's right. I paid for it at Hanaford's.
There's the problem. Comcast and Hanaford's are two different companies. Hanaford's isn't authorized to take Comcast's money
***
Maybe I should talk slower.

 

by slappypyne
12-06-05
Based on a true story.
I want to know why my Internet is down.
Well, according to my computer you started service three months ago and have never paid us anything.
Yeah, it's too damn expensive.
How can something you've never paid for be "too expensive"?

 

by slappypyne
12-07-05
Based on a true story.
He has got to stop making all those "H" sounds, his breath smells like stale death covered in fresh shit.
Hi. I'm having horrible happenings with my cable box heating up. I'm hardly happy.
I'm going to vomit. Oh my God, his breath is actually going to make me... I just threw-up a little in my mouth.
How about it? How can you help?
Seems almost mean to make haliosis an "H" word.
You OK, hombre?

 

by slappypyne
12-07-05
Based on a true story.
Hello. I just signed up for service and I need to make sure that I have no access to Pay-Per-View and any "adult" channels.
Well, according to the computer you just have Standard Cable. You would need digital cable and a cable box. You have neither.
You don't understand. It's REALLY important that I not have Pay-Per-View. At all. None.
No, YOU don't understand. It is physically impossible for you to have Pay-Per-View. At all. None.
I'm a convicted sex offender and my P.O. says I can't have Pay-Per-View capability because it might set me off again.
Let me double-check that account...

 

by slappypyne
12-08-05
Based on a true story.
...so... you're saying that I don't need my cable box?
That's right. Your box was old. It gave you nothing extra. You've been paying $5.05 a month for a clock.
I still don't understand how you would hook it up.
That's easy. The cable from the wall would go directly into the back of the TV and then you would change channels on the TV itself.
Slow down there, sonny, I ain't no astro engineerer.
You're absolutely right. In fact, forget what we were talking about and I'll go get you a replacement clock right away.

 

Based on a true story.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... It's cold out there. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... It's snowing pretty hard now. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... I need to pay my bill.
You know, for the price of a stamp you could have mailed your check and been enjoying the warmth of home.
by slappypyne, 12-09-05

 

Based on a true story.
This shit is too expensive. How can I bring my monthly cost down?
Easy, drop $.37 for a stamp and save yourself the gas money you spend to get down here to pay your bill. Have some faith in the postal system.
by slappypyne, 12-09-05

 

by slappypyne
12-12-05
Based on a true story.
I'm sorry, but this isn't enough money to turn your service back on.
But I called in and they said that this was all that I owed.
That's right, you called in three weeks ago, still didn't pay, and then another bill went out. You owe more than this. You should have paid weeks ago.
Either you turn it back on for this or I'm leaving and getting Dish Network. Comcast will lose THIS customer.
First of all, Comcast doesn't want customers that don't pay. But, good luck anyway. The Dish requires a credit check, a contract, and possibly a deposit.
Will the money I owe my crack dealer show up on a credit check?

 

by slappypyne
12-15-05
Kala barke monte. Ooot ooot, barga durka cable TV.
Okay...
When me left da Kenya then was many promiss of cheaper monies for cable. The modaka phone be tellin' that I only pay one doller for da year.
Sure...
Me... ahh... want... ahh... how you... for house... and the watching... very much cable.
You know, I'm not enjoying my trip through Epicot at all.

Showing page 2.

« Previous