All comics by thochaos

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by thochaos
10-17-03
A stray cat! I will pet it.
One pat later...
Ah! I am in fact a fairy. And since you have rubbed me, I shall give you one wish!
Is this "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"
I'm not that kind of fairy.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Doctor, I have a miniature Michael Schumacher in my pants!
How did that get there?
I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
There's this jerk at my office who thinks he's so funny. He's always making fun of other people.
Yesterday, I thought of the wittiest put down ever to get him back with.
But the gnome who steals my thoughts beat me to it.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Amber, I've known you for a year now and you still won't have sex with me!
And you're surprised?
What do you mean by that?
Just look at you! You need to tidy up your appearance, get a decent job and stop hitting on every girl you see and maybe then I'd consider it.
Can't I just pay you for sex?
That could work too.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
I wasn't serious when I said I'd have sex with you for money.
But... I have $100 right here!
What kind of person would sell their body, for any amount of money?
Shhh! Nikki's behind you!
Did someone mention $100?
Oh right... that kind of person.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Hey man. I'm having a party this Saturday. You should definitely come!
Great! Is it okay if I bring my new lady friend?
By "lady friend" do you mean that transsexual pygmy hooker you met at the train station?
Yeah, that's her.
HELL NO!
Dang.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Hey good looking! Can I buy you a drink?
Piss off, perv.
So baby, fancy coming home with me?
Hell no!
I want a divorce.
You're still here?

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Nice pussy.
Huh?
Nice pussy.
You sick bastard!
Fucking cat.
Meow.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Hey Laura, I have something for you.
What is it?
Not telling.
Ok, then where is it?
In my pants!
I don't want it!

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Hey, Mikayla, I have something for you!
Cool! What is it?
Close your eyes and hold out your hand.
Ok.
I was sure that would work.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Hey Sam, wanna see my big cock?
Why not? I've got nothing better to do.
Just give me a second.
Sure.
Hi!
I'm leaving now.

 

by thochaos
10-17-03
Hey sexy. I can't wait to get you alone. I'm going to lick you all over and make you cum over and over again.
I'm gonna love you in ways you never knew exis-
Sharon isn't here. This is her father.
I know.
Oh. Then please continue.

 

by thochaos
10-19-03
One time I was staying at my grandfathers house and I remember my mother telling me to look after him because he was so old.
That night I heard him screaming out "I'm having a stroke! I'm having a stroke!" I didn't know what to do so I just ran into his bedroom.
Luckily he was just masturbating.

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
I will go back to school and pass every grade so I can get the company instead of you!
You will fail and I will get Madison Hotels!
Miss Vaughn do you like anybody from class, like more than a friend?
I used to hate Billy Madison, but since he grabbed my tit on the bus I've fallen in love with him!
Lucky for me Eric turned out to be a pyscho and got shot in the ass by that freaky guy!
And for once I get to have sex with one of my students without fear of prosecution!

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
I'm Happy Gilmore. I'm a hockey player.
I work for the IRS. I just repossesed your grandmother's house and all her belongings.
I've become a pro-golfer to buy back my grandmother's house.
I never used to date golfers, but thanks to Happy's insane behavior I've fallen in love with him!
Lucky for me Shooter turned out to be a pyscho and got chased off by that freaky guy! And I won the tournament and got back my grandmothers house!
Chubbs is still dead though.

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
I thought I might be able to make a quick buck selling my own baby oil.
Boy was I surprised when I found out it's not made from real babies.

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
Hey man! Did you see "Punk'd" last night?
Is that the show where five burly men fuck your mom in the ass and then take turns blowing their loads in her mouth?
What!? Of course not!
Oh...
Then what the hell was I watching?

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
Now my minions, go forth and wreak havoc!
Yes evil devil master!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's kinda like that.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
Why didn't you show up for our wedding, Linda?
Robbie, I can't marry a wedding singer!
I want to die! Put a bullet in my heeeeeaaaaaaaad!
I'm supposed to be marrying Glen, but since Robbie started helping me plan my wedding I've fallen in love with him!
Lucky for me Glen turned out to be an asshole and got dumped by Julia! Now we can be together!
About that... After I dumped him, he set fire to the plane and now we are all gonna die.

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
Hi, call me Deeds.
Well Deeds, your mother's uncle died, leaving you 40 billion dollars.
You can still be a reporter, if you really want to.
I was using Deeds to get a big story, but after spending all this time with him, I've fallen in love with him!
Lucky for me, my butler Emilio turned out to be my great-uncle's son and stopped that pyscho from selling the company!
And now we are getting married. It has nothing to do with the fact that Emilio gave you a billion dollars of course.

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
Hey asshole! Why are you mocking my movies? And why do I look like a child molester?
Well you see Mr Sandler, I have no ideas for new strips and my little sister wanted me to make these strips. I apologise for the poor quality.
You did it for your little sister? Well in that case I forgive you. How old is she?
My sister? She's 10. But anyway, thank you for forgiving me! I'm really a huge fan of your movies!
Is she hot?

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
You remember how when we broke up and you said you'd never get back together with me? Do you still mean it?
Of course I do! The way you just dumped me for no good reason still pisses me off!
I see.
How about now?

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
Why do you have this box of tissues by your computer?
Well if I use it too much, my eyes start to tear up and then my nose runs, so they are pretty important.
Uh-huh. And this jar of hand cream?
After prolonged sessions at the keyboard, my hands start to dry out and chafe. So I keep it handy.
Wow. Those lies were almost convincing.
Yeah, well my mother asks a lot of questions too.

 

by thochaos
10-21-03
What's in this jar? More hand cream?
Uhh... no... that's white marmalade!
White maramalade? Is it good?
Go ahead and try some!
Ewww. I think it's gone bad.
Really? Then let me whip you up a fresh batch.

 

by thochaos
10-22-03
Lets go bitch! Tiemt o go!
Where are we going cowboy?
BAkck! BAck in time!
Sweet!
Oh shit we got stuck in limbo!
Fucking cowboys!

 

by thochaos
10-22-03
we haFe TAke Ova STrtipcreatt!
hahaha We Faucked TheM ALL OFerzz!
NowZ We fuck in the AsS to!!!
Here 1st VicTIIM~
BEND OVA BicxtHQ
All rigty!

 

by thochaos
10-22-03
Hurry up, he's starting to come around!
Ohhhhhh....
Ook ook.

 

by thochaos
10-22-03
Why are you always so mean to me? Do you hate me?
No I don't hate you! How do I explain it?
Remember that kid in school who was always pushing you down and pulling your hair?
So you mean you have a crush on me too?
A crush? I thought that kid hated you!

 

by thochaos
10-22-03
So you do hate me after all!
Geez! You're driving me insane! I DON'T HATE YOU!
Really?
YES!
You're lying.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH!

 

by thochaos
10-22-03
I raped your dead mother last night.
My mother isn't dead, asshole.
Really? Well would it have killed her to move a little?

 

by thochaos
10-29-03
So you really, truly, honest to God and hope to die, do not hate me?
YES! How many times do I have to tell you?
I'm so relieved! Well bye then.
See ya.
Fuck I hate her.

 

by thochaos
10-29-03
I didn't mean that.

 

by thochaos
10-29-03
I wish I hadn't broken my wrist. It's real hard to do this with only one arm.
Really? I'm quite accomplished at using the computer one-handed.
And why might that be?
Uh well you know, I got real bad Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my right arm...
LIAR!
Ok, so I'm a chronic masturbator. Happy?

 

by thochaos
11-01-03
For a while I was dating a porn star. As you might imagine, the sex was incredible.
Unfortunately we grew apart and we had to break up.
Besides, I don't think she liked coming home from work and finding me with her dildos up my ass.

 

by thochaos
11-01-03
Tonight has been amazing.
Honestly? I heard you only liked girls with big breasts and I've been worried about that all night.
You more than make up for that in other areas.
Really?
Yeah, your ass is friggin' huge!

 

by thochaos
11-02-03
You know, I wasn't sure about this beard at first but I think it's growing on me.
Get it? "Growing on me." Hahahaha!
You are such a fag.

 

by thochaos
11-02-03
Hello, I'm Father Hancock.
Hi, I'm Roger the choir boy.
Could you speak up? I'm a little hard of hearing.
ROGER THE CHOIR BOY!
If you insist!

 

by thochaos
11-03-03
Lately you're all I think about. I think there's something between us and we owe it to ourselves to explore that further.
I'm sorry but I'm just not interested.
Lately you're all I think about. I think there's something between us and we owe it to ourselves to explore that further.
Hell no!
Lately you're all I think about. I think there's something between us and we owe it to ourselves to explore that further.
Amber and Nikki must have turned you down fast today. It's not usually my turn until after lunch.

 

by thochaos
11-03-03
Father Hancock, have you seen Roger the choir boy?
Who?
ROGER THE CHOIR BOY!
Don't mind if I do!

 

by thochaos
11-06-03
custardnjelly this is for you hehehe
Ok, although that might have felt too big for a finger, I can assure you it's just because I have big hands.
I didn't feel a thing.
Are you saying I have a small penis?

 

by thochaos
11-06-03
There's this girl I really like, but I can never tell her directly. What should I do?
Ok, here's what you do...
3 hours later...
Thanks a whole bunch for that.
Any time.
Oh crap! I hope she doesn't think it's her.
Oh God! I hope it's not me.

 

by thochaos
11-06-03
What should I wear to the party tonight?
I'm more interested in what you won't be wearing!
What? I don't get what you mean.
You know, "what you won't be wearing", that's what I'm interested in.
I won't be wearing a construction helmet or a cowboy costume or a ninja outfit - is any of this helping?
No I meant - you know what? Forget it.

 

by thochaos
11-06-03
Hey man, how's it going?
Holy shit dude! Why are you in a wheelchair?
Car crash. Broke my back in 3 places.
That's friggin' awful! But uh, say does that mean-
No I can't suck my own dick.
Oh.

 

by thochaos
11-06-03
Last night I had a threesome with 2 beautiful swedish models. But when I woke up this morning they had turned into a puddle in my bed.
My friend Bob said it was probably just a wet dream.
I think Bob's a jealous asshole.

 

by thochaos
11-07-03
(Don't worry, it's supposed to suck)
Well, ah, it doesn't look as though you have prostate cancer
Well thats good news
Can i check again i don't think i went deep enough
I guess so.
I'll need the help of my assistant.
RAAARR!! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!

 

by thochaos
11-09-03
I won't tell anyone the truth about what happened between us on the beach the other night.
But nothing happened!
I know and that's what I won't tell the truth about!

 

by thochaos
11-11-03
So after the romantic candle-lit dinner, I put on some Barry White and we started dancing, you know, all slow and close and shit.
Sweet, then what?
Then it started heating up and we tore each others clothes off and headed for the couch.
Cool! So you finally banged her?
Nah, just then my girlfriend walked in.
Man I hate when that happens!

 

by thochaos
11-13-03
Have I told you that you look good tonight?
No, no you haven't.
Thank fuck for that!
There's a lesson to be learned here, methinks.

 

by thochaos
11-21-03
So new allegations have come up against Michael Jackson.
Yeah, fiddling with kids is illegal, apparently.
He's given himself up and is now out on bail.
Sure isn't a good time to be Michael Jackson.
When IS a good time to be Michael Jackson?
I dunno, recess? Summer vacation?

 

by thochaos
11-21-03
Now this is the second time that accusations of child molestation have been made against ol' Wacko Jacko.
I hope they fry that freak this time and don't let him off just because he's a celebrity!
*glorp* Thabs grabe pop, *glorp* bud do I hab do keeb doig this? *glorp*
How many times have I told you son, don't talk with your mouth full!

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