All comics by william_wraithe

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by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What really happened to Gumby ...
Hey, Pig! (hick!) Do you know who I am! I am Gumby, Dammit!
WTF!
AHHHHHH!!!! OHHHH!! NO! PLEASE! NO! OH, GOD NOT THERE! WAIT A MINUTE!AHHHHHHHH!
Mutha Fucking Gumby Huh?!!! I 'll show you Mutha Fucking Gumby. Hold still you son of a bitch!!!!
The Next day.
You hear what happened to Gumby? Somebody made putty out of him.
(whistles)

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
One day Larry decided to train his dog to balance on a ball ...
That's it! That's it! Steady now! Steeedeeee!
#@$#%
and treated his dog like shit the whole time ...
Well, keep practicing mutt! I am going to go make a good cup of coco. Too bad you're just a stupid dog or I would make some for you too!
Hee hee!
The lesson today is : never underestimate your dog ....
Hope ya like your fucking coffee with extra laxatives, you fucking jerk!

 

One day, while waiting for the bathroom, Mr. Mann found out what was really in his pistachio brownies....
HEY! HURRY UP AND DROP ANOTHER LOAD ALREADY! THESE BROWNIES DON'T COOK THEMSELVES!
by william_wraithe, 11-20-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What really happens to crack whores when they don't have any money ....
Nope. Sorry, Lola. No blow, no snow.
What, right now?
Yep, right now, and don't worry about the cam corder. Think of it as a video reciept of your payment.
um .... alright. Whatever it takes to get my shit.
they get on their kness and beg.
If Bang Brothers can do it, so can I.
Am I doing a good?

 

What really happens to people who die with no insurance ...
BRING THE RHINO! HE WON'T FUCKING FIT!!!
by william_wraithe, 11-20-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Are invisible childhood friend's really dangerous?
HEY BILLY!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
sigh
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!???? I SAID I LOVE YOU!!!
Yep ...
mommy?!!!
IF YOU DON'T FUCKING ANSWER ME, I AM GOING TO SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT WHILE YOU SLEEP TONIGHT!!!! HA! HA! HA! HA!

 

One day, as little Joey was masturbating he found out his super power .... thus killing his neighbor's wife in one fluid stroke.
aw, shit ....
AAAGHHHHH!
by william_wraithe, 11-20-07

 

What really happens when pet lovers crack after their wife throws them to the curb....
Well, you win some , you lose some. At least I have my other pussy to keep me warm at night. Remember what I said Kitty, don't use the claws.
by william_wraithe, 11-20-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Is magick for real?
PREPARE TO DIE, IMBECILE!
hold on ...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! I AM ABOUT TO KILL YOU AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS WRITE IN YOUR STUPID NOTEBOOK??!!!!
it's a magick notebook ... and I am drawing a picture of you burning to death ...
just buy a magick notebook and see ....
I knew all that studying from the OT would do me good.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What really happened to the guy that proposed lower gas prices to the President ....
George! GEORGE! The press is coming! DO SOMETHING!
Mother fucker tried lobbying the Gas Prices to me! Can you believe that shit??!!!
10 minutes later ... when caught red handed ...
Mr. President? Mr. President? Can you tell us what exactly happened here?
I felt it was my civic duty to protect the interests of these United States ...
drum roll please ...
Mr. President, is that blood on the wall and floor?
Nope, that's patriotic aftermath.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What really happens when everyone worships Satan and not Cthulu anymore .....
When yooooo wish upon a staaaaar ...... doesn't really matter whoooooo yoooooo are!
Now you know ....
Dreeeeeams caaaaan come truuuuue!!!!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Another episode at Macdonalds ....
Do I really have to do this?
YES! YES! YOU MUST WEAR THE CHICKEN AND DO THE POLKA NAKED!
where management can do anything they desire ...
so, what you're saying is ... if I don't do everything you say I could be fired?
YES! YES! YOU LOSE YOUR JOB IF YOU DON'T DO EVERYTHING I SAY!!
maybe I should work at Macdonalds ....
Are you sure?
WOULD THE MANAGER LIE TO YOU OR EVER MAKE YOU DO THIS IF IT WEREN'T TRUE? NOW GET DOWN AND BLOW ME!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
One day in America ...
Yep.
Hey, aren't you death?
Who you here for?
Freedom ...
damn.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What does Bill Gates really dream about at night?
How would you like to squeeze my two big processors, Mr. Gates?
Oh, yeah ... talk dirty to me, baby!
I know it might be kind of sudden, Bill ... but would you like to plug your USB chord in my back port really hard?
YES! YES! YES!
Captain's Log ... stardate 546557321. I have located Mr. Bill Gates and am in the process of communication. Personal note to self, never watch Star Trek before bed.
SHIT!!!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
John Lennon has reached his destination after death ....
(singing) Look at all the people ....
I'm not the only ..... one ..... ???
Damn ... I fucked up.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Little did Santa know that he slid down the wrong chimney that night .....
Hello, Santa ...
Who are you?
Don't you know?
No...
I am the "Ghost of Christmas Spirit and Good Will Towards Men" ...
But you're dead!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
The Future of Mankind ...
If we would have just recycled more and thought what we were doing to the planet was wrong ....
Why wouldn't the government listen to us?
Well, for starters.... you did have a blog on myspace.com that I existed and you could prove it!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
When a date isn't going the way as planned ....
Did that guy look like a little puppet to you?
Yeah, it reminds me of something I saw in a movie once ... now what was the name of that movie?
He told me the only way I can live is to stab you in the eye and eat your left nut!
Stab, maybe? No, that's not it. Claw?Damn, I wish I could remember that movie..... you got any ideas yet?
I have an idea this date is over ....
Very Good. You have played the game well, Jessica. You can leave if you find the door. Beware though .... there is a maze of razor blades and acid outside.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What really happens in prison ....
If you want to live you gotta be my bitch ....
Um ... ok. What do I have to do?
Well, for starters .... you have a pretty mouth.
Can't I just take it up the ass?

 

One day, Grandma got the thrill of her life ...
by william_wraithe, 11-20-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
You know that saying ... if a squirrel farts in the woods, would anyone notice?
I think I ate too many nuts .... ohhhhhh!
What? NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOT THAT!
The shot heard round the forest ....
gnnnnnnn! Ahhhhhh.....
AAAHHHHHH......
They only notice if there are sufficient witnesses ... and so far, there never has been to tell the tale.
If you tell anyone what transpired here today .... I will kill your family, your friends, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your nieces, nephews ... even your fucking fish! Got it!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Why Frankenstein never married and had kids ....
Duh ... Gah ... mmmm....
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today ... to ... uh.... hmmmm?
Goh ... BAH-RIDE ...UGH ...GNAA .... UGH ...MMMMM....
Where the fuck is your bride, man!
What the fuck! Where the hell is Doctor Frankenstein. What?!! HE TOOK OFF WITH THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN!!! Holy Shit, it's like a frickin' soap opera around here....

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Reason # 303 On why not to do drugs like X ....
Wow ... you see that?
Yup ... ha ha heeeee ... snort.
You and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals ...
So, let's do it like they do it on the discovery channel ...
Did you really see Kermit the Frog fucking Ragedy Anne and then Andy?
Oh, I thought you was talkin' about that there alien bending Britney over and fucking her in the ass!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Somewhere at high noon ...
A stalemate between an alien and a cowboy takes place. Nothing but blood on the floor and the wall, setting the mood. It is decided that this must be the showdown of the century .....
What could possibly be going through their minds at such a crucial moment?
This Fucking time period sucks! I am so gonna kick Bleepots ass for telling me the Old West was such a fucking trip! They don't even have toilet paper here and I got dingleberries on my ass now!
If only this damn saddle wasn't so heavy, I could really have the drop on that son'bitch.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
With cat-like reflexes, little Sally jumps to safety ... narrowly missing certain death from an oncoming car ...
Heee-yaaaa!
Like a true born ninja, she lands on the other side of the road unscathed. Beaming, she feels like her favorite hero, Ryu, from Street Fighter Alpha.
Hee! Hee! Ryu would be proud!
Morale of this story: Just because you play Street Fighter and are good at it ... doesn't mean you are a fucking Ninja!
Dum do dum do dum!

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
What really happens to online predators who prey on kids ...
I am only 13 .. is that too young?
Yeah, you're only 13 ... sweet ...
Really? For honest and for true?
I like little kids ...
You pay the price ... nuff said.
Hope you like it in hell, fucker. We got a special place for you on the 9th layer. My two 700lb demons would like to examine your ass for eternity.... from the inside, that is! LOL
Ahhhhhhhh .... glug ... choke ... fffffhhaaa

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Somewhere over the rainbow ... a squirrel becomes really bold ....
Hey! Ever make love to a squirrel, big man?
Um ...no.
Want to?
and now we know that love does not conquer all... even in a fucked up place like Oz.
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Another one, gone ... oh, well ... back to the yellow brick drawing board.

 

by william_wraithe
11-20-07
Somewhere in Afghanistan ... Dan Rather catches up with Osama Bin Ladin.....
Yep .. true.
Mr. Ladin, everyone wants to know how it is that you manage to escape death every time?
Nope, nope, nope, nope and nope ....
I and all of America, especially our governement, would like to know what your secret is. Like, is it a secret informant? A leak in our government? Perhaps People telling you?
Ever since I got knocked in the head by my personal goat, Trixie, I have been psychic and see the future. She is quite the fiesty one, let me tell you! Grrr! Baby, Grrr!
Please, what is it then .... tell us your secret!

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
Now that Noah was instructed to make his Ark, where would he get the tools to cut the trees down ...
Shit! I don't have the tools ...
God?
God?

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
The real reason why Captain Kirk never dies ...
Cap-tain's .... person...AL log. I ...have ... enCOUNtered the locals here! I must be going now, because one of them looks really pissed at me.
Kirk to Enterprise. Send down a dumb guy to stand in for my murder.
Now you know ... that Star Trek was a vicious cycle ...
Captain? Enterprise?SPOCK?! CAPTAIN KIRK?!! WHY MAN, WHY?!!!
You shit outta luck, buddy!

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
The real reason why stick men don't have girlfriends ...
I thought we had something here?
That was before ...
Before what?
Before I found out that cartoon stick men lack a stick!
now you know ...
The horror ... oh, the horror ....
You're telling me ...

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
What Noah really heard that day ....
What's that ... your God?
Yes, Noah ... I am ... and I want you to ...(static)
Say again! Confirm! Confirm! What do you want me to do?
A dropped call can ruin a conversation ... stick to Wireless to get your full benefits.
Crap ...

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
The real reson why pumpkins are smashed early every year ....
So you think Halloween is more important than Easter, huh!
Well, duh! Kids get more candy on Halloween.
Take that back, you fucking pumpkin!
Help!
Now you know ...
Easter is back bastards ....

 

After 62 years of marriage, Grandma couldn't take Grandpa's stories any longer ... and decided there was only one thing to do....
Hope ya got a story about that, ya old bastard! Ha!
by william_wraithe, 11-21-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
What did Billy Graham really see when he died?
I knew it! I knew my faith was strong enough to carry me all the way to heaven! Praise Jesus!
Um ... you have to answer one question first ...
Well, what is the question then by God?
What does it mean to have morals in life?
Now you know ...
say again?

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
One fateful day at Berkley, a young man has finished his anti-matter transformation machine ...
After 12 years of student loans ... I will finally be able to pay them off by selling my machine.
Not thinking clearly, he goes in to see that it really works ...
and comes out not quite right ...
Boy do I feel super ...

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
One of the things that will really get you on A Shot With Love ....
Tell me again why I have to do this?
Because, you are a guy! You want to impress Tila, right?
Are you sure?
Am I a lesbian?
Tila Tequila and every other reality show really gives me a headache.
It hurts ...
Don't stop until you start feeling the love, baby! Do it for Tila!

 

You ever wonder what could ever scare a ghost? Now you know ...
AHHHHHHHH!
by william_wraithe, 11-21-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
A day at the office ...
Hey, I just passed a bill that would save millions of dollars for tax payers. What did you do today?
Not much ...
I just killed any hope the US had of ever getting out of debt.

 

What really happened to Tinkerbell after she was dumped by Peter Pan....
Now, was it the first star to the left? Or was it maybe the last star on the left?
Yum!
by william_wraithe, 11-21-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-21-07
The real truth about aliens ...
So, if you decide to keep quiet I will throw in a few extra cows to boot. Whaddya say?
Ok. But how are you gonna prove to the world we don't exist?
Leave that to me ... it is already taken care of.
How's that?
Now you know ...
Well, if they believed us about going to the moon, it should be one more easy strike on the dumb bastards ...
Well, if you are all that dumb ... maybe we should take over the world instead?

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
What was that song? I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause?
Dude, my little girl said she saw my wife kissing you last night? WTF, man?
Nah ... she wasn't kissing me on the lips ... she was sucking my ...
Muther fucker!
10 minutes later ...
Now remember ... tell your wife I will be coming down her chimney really slow ... and tell her to wear that black teddy tonight.
Yes, sir ...

 

Santa found that eggnog gave him really bad gas ....
This little elven bastards put maalox in my eggnog again ...
by william_wraithe, 11-22-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
One day in church, God is asked for a sign ...
God, I am asking for a sign. I need your help and would like an answer.
???
Here is your sign....
Remind you of anything?

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
One night at the movies ...
Don't worry, Stella, I have the enema right here ...
I love this part ...
20 minutes later ...
I'm sorry, Stella, we have to amputate ...
This part is so sad!
The End ....
If only I could have saved her ... damn me ... damn me to hell!
Such a beautiful performance..... literally the best movie I have ever seen!

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
They say that belief is everything ...
Today is the day ... my magick will bring forth a new love in my life!
Hocus pocus, jiminey glue .... give me a love that will love me true!
I say we must believe harder.
EEE- EEE- EEE!
Shit!

 

When an explanation should be in order ... but thought better not to.
Should I pay you now, or after?
by william_wraithe, 11-22-07

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
One day in the Enchanted Woods ...
Aw, shit!
What is it now?
I really fucking gotta pee!
So pee then!
I can't, the tree closest to me is smiling and winking for me to come over!
Well, what did you expect in an enchanting forest? The straight and narrow?

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
Meet Joe Black ... um ... Again.
Yeah, let's cut to the chase now, shall we Bill?
What is that you bastard?
The Truth ...
I screwed your daughter 79 times and drank all of your liquor...
What about me? What do I get out of it?
Still wasn't good around the second time either ... but I bet you that Death had a blast.
Time . Shit, no, you're right ... I just wanted to bang your daughter because she is fucking hot. Sorry. man, I had to do it ...
And here I thought it was to experience my life .... can we go now?

 

by william_wraithe
11-22-07
One day as Billy was waiting for the Bus ...
It has already been 20 minutes .... where the fuck is that bus?
You got something important to do?
Well, DUH! I am a superhero. Didn't you notice the super costume?
We have freaks in this city dressing like that all of the time. I get used to it ...
Christ!
Soooo, why are you riding the bus if you have a cape?

Showing page 2.

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