All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
1-15-07
...so I wouldn't eat at that restaurant because Howard was there last year. HOWARD STERN SUCKS! You know what I'm sayin, Anthony? HAHAHAHA!
I hear you Opie. Let us spend the next segment talking about something other than Howard to prove how funny we are to the haters. Let's talk about dees. HEE HEE!
HAHAHAHA! Dees?
Yeah, "dees" nuts Howard should be sucking! HAHAHAHAHA! Man we ROCK! And Howard sucks my....
It was the damndest thing. My satellite radio ejected itself out of the window and shattered into a million pieces.
That "O&A Virus" is no joke.

 

by Ranger77
1-16-07
Who's Opie and Anthony? They are these two jerks that have this show on XM Satellite Radio.
Ok. I just didn't get the last few strips. I find it hard to believe that they can be THAT bad. Are they funny at all?
They are these two asswedges that have this show on XM Satellite Radio.
Yeah, but what do they do? Is it a "shock jock" sort of thing? Do they do skits? Funny commercials? What?
They are these two FUCKTARD MORONS that have this show on XM Satellite Radio.
You're trying to tell me something, aren't you?

 

by Ranger77
1-16-07
*sigh* Ok when will it happen? Everytime we slam some media figure, it's part of a convoluted plot involving missiles or time travel, etc. What's up this time for these "Opie and Anthony" guys.
Nothing really. The whole story arc apparently was just a bunch of thinly diguised insults about how unfunny they are and their obesession with Howard Stern.
That's it?
Yep, that's it.
I assume our lack of effort this time is related to us calling them, quote, "moronic fucktards?"
After I disregarded some of the more emotional, slanderous comments, that was a factor, yes.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-07
Happy Birthday!!
Ah. Thanks. What is it?
It's a Personal Media Player. 80GB capacity. It can record video and play mp3s. You also use it as an external USB drive.
Oh. Ok. I guess that's nice.
You don't like it.
No, I'm sure some women after an evening of drinking beer, watching ESPN and playing video games consider 80GB USB robot thingys romantic birthday gifts....

 

by Ranger77
1-18-07
Honey, when we were at that CompUSA a few months ago you pointed this out and told me that it was "cool."
Cool as in "that's pretty spiffy". Not in a "I want it for my birthday" sort of way. There's a difference.
I am going insane.
The fact that you thought buying me a personal media USB drive gadget for my birthday would get me wet indicates you already are....

 

by Ranger77
1-19-07
I just don't know what to get you any more. I can't get you gift certificates....
Impersonal. Shows a lack of thought.
I can't buy you clothes because if I get something too big it's like I'm insulting you and if I get something too small you'll think I wasn't paying attention to you.
Sounds like perfectly logical reasoning to me. You'll just have to put some thought in your gift decisions.
Shit. I HATE thinking....
I know.

 

by Ranger77
1-19-07
Look I thought you NEEDED a Personal Media Player.
Honey, getting somebody something they need isn't always a good idea for a gift.
Sort of like the time you got me that electronic automated cat box for MY birthday.
That was different. That was an expression of love. Since you always clean Fluffy's box, I was being considerate and thinking of you.
And if you say one thing about logic, fairness, or getting a headache because of this conversation, I'll kick you in the groin.

 

by Ranger77
1-19-07
I need to get ahold of that Time Janitor guy.
Is everyone around here going nuts? First Helena reverts to some vengence filled psychopath and now YOU of all people want to screw around with Time.
I just wanted to see if I could change Bush's opinion on Iraq. You know, tell him that he wouldn't find WMDs and warn him about the quagmire we're in and his low popularity.
This is about that LAME gift you bought Britney isn't it?
It had a Compact Flash AND a Secure Digital card reader dammit!!
ARF! ARF! I think someone's in the doghouse.

 

by Ranger77
1-19-07
"To get that Time Janitor to arrive, all you have to do is announce your intent to do something that would dramatically alter space and time."
OK...*ahem* "I am going to go back in time and kill Hitler!!"
"That won't work. Remember what I told you about this guy...."
Sorry. I forgot. "I am going to make sure Josh Groban never existed!"
"Bingo."
Interesting....
And before anyone makes any smart remarks you can be heterosexual and like Josh. It's not easy, but its possible.

 

by Ranger77
1-19-07
Look my friend, I need to go back in time and change the present I gave to my wife.
Are you crazy?! You can't fiddle with the currents of time for domestic affairs!
Listen, I NEED to fix this. You don't know my wife. She'll hold this over my head forever.
It doesn't matter. Time is NOT a toy. I will not be a party to such trivialities.
I'll give you a box of Ferrero Roche and the first season of Desperate Housewives on DVD.
Oooh nifty! You got a deal.

 

by Ranger77
1-20-07
January 16, 2007
Stop!
What the....?
I don't have much time! I know you're not going to believe this but I'm from the future and....
Shit! She didn't like the Personal Media Player did she?
Um....no. She didn't. I guess I kind of suspected she wouldn't like it even before I bought the damn thing, huh?
"WE" have been been married almost ten years. What do you think?

 

by Ranger77
1-20-07
She hates it!! Don't buy it!!
Okay, okay. I'm guessing you've got a plan since you came all the way from the future to warn me. What can I buy her that won't piss her off?
Well?
We are SO fucked....
Thanks. My irrational fear of the future just became perfectly justified.

 

by Ranger77
1-20-07
Dammit, this is ridiculous. It's a gift. She should appreciate it regardless if she likes it or not.
You're right! Why are we agonizing over this. After all we smile when she gives us funky stuff. Catbox, anyone?
We should just give her the damn player and if she can't appreciate the intent, that's her problem.
Agreed. We need to draw a line here and not get so upset about getting her the perfect "romantic" gift. It's silly.
So....how long are we going to continue spouting this manly testosterone influenced bullshit?
Just for a few more minutes please. I want to feel like I actually have testicles for a bit longer....

 

by Ranger77
1-21-07
January 16, 2007
I hope this works.
It will. This is foolproof.
January 18, 2007
Happy Birthday! I made you a CD. It has with pictures of us together, with music. I wrapped it myself and tied it with laces from the shoes I wore on our first date.
That's so...thoughtful. Thank You! I only wish....
January 19, 2007
So, after you gave her the CD she said she wished she had a Portable Media Player to enjoy the pictures and the music without having to use a PC. Wow.
Yes. Wow.

 

by Ranger77
1-24-07
Yahoo News (AP) - 1/24/07
The military calls its new weapon an "active denial system," but that's an understatement. It's a ray gun that shoots a beam that makes people feel as if they are about to catch fire.
Apart from causing that terrifying sensation, the technology is supposed to be harmless — a non-lethal way to get enemies to drop their weapons.
Dammit! Who's been going through MY closet and selling MY things on eBay AGAIN??
Anyone hit by the beam immediately jumped out of its path because of the sudden blast of heat throughout the body....

 

by Ranger77
1-25-07
So what's the crisis for this week?
Nothing really. Someone stole Ivy's "Active Denial" weapon system and sold it to the government through eBay.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_Denial_System
She's a bit pissed. Evidently she was using it to heat her Ramen noodles.
I'm going to go outside, reenter and pretend I never asked that question.
I have to admit, hot Ramen noodles in 20 seconds is impressive. Makes one wonder how effective it is with Hot Pockets....

 

by Ranger77
1-26-07
The NEW Adventures of WARBABY!: Assignment Afganistan!
Goo.
Jihad! Jihad! God is Great! Jih..!
Goo. And some ashes too, I think.

 

by Ranger77
1-26-07
Warbaby! Your StealthSuit is ready. We have a fix on your target.
No need for that. I do my killin' the old fashioned way.
Old fashioned....?
From a distance. Watch and learn, son.
****BOOM****KABOOM***(insert other intense explosion sounds here)
Ouch, that had to hurt.
Hell yeah it did....like an electric bitch on a waterboy. Grab my binky, will ya? I'm startin' to break a sweat....

 

by Ranger77
1-26-07
Warbaby, you're a loose cannon. I'm recommending to have you reassigned. What do you think of that?
I believe in deeds not words, General.
What's that suppose to mean?
It means, if you want to know what I think about all this talkin', take a look in my diaper.
You didn't....That's disgusting!
Only until you clean it up, bitch....

 

by Ranger77
1-26-07
Doctor! I heard Warbaby was in a firefight and ended up in here. What happened?
That brave baby took on a group of insurgents by himself. For FIVE hours.
Oh my God.
They fired Rocket Propelled Grenades at him, and then tried to engage him with small arms fire. He killed them all.
How....how bad is he wounded?
Wounded? I wouldn't say he's wounded. He wet his pants when the first RPG went off and didn't get changed until the fight was done. It's one helluva rash....

 

by Ranger77
1-26-07
Taken out of the fight, and resting at a combat hospital overcoming a severe bout of diaper rash, WARBABY! comtemplates, well, war.
The violence, the suffering....is it all worth it? Maybe he should make a change in his young life....
But first, lunch!
Tit me, Nursie!
Aww...you are SO adorable!

 

by Ranger77
1-26-07
Nurse, I heard you breastfed WARBABY. That's not exactly hospital protocol.
He needed me. He told me his mother died when he was born and now he is on an endless quest to to bond with someone who can fill that space.
WARBABY 's mom lives in Pontiac, Michigan with a biker who goes by the nickname "Tater." As in potato. Don't ask me what it means.
WARBABY likes women's breasts. Alot.
Dammit! First that sports bar incident and now this! Why do I keep falling for this shit!

 

by Ranger77
1-27-07
You lied to me!
Yep I did. Moms ain't here. You are.
Don't you feel the slightest bit guilty?!
Nope. Did what I had to do.
Why did you breastfeed him AGAIN??
I don't know! I guess I got caught up in his eloquent words and his need for understanding....

 

by Ranger77
1-27-07
Warbaby, now that you're healed we want you to take on another mission.
Bring it on. What's the job?
It will involve stealth, demolition and the killing of many enemy combatants. We want no witnesses and no survivors.
Yeah.....that'll do. I like that....
Warbaby you're...um....drooling.
That's the drool of patriotism and freedom. Now tell me about killing the enemy again. Real slow this time....

 

by Ranger77
1-30-07
What was supposed to be said.
Honey, your butt isn't big.
What was ACTUALLY said.
Honey, your butt isn't that big.
No, you can't go back and "fix" it. Didn't you learn anything the first time?
If you had ever been married you would realize what an utterly stupid question that is.

 

by Ranger77
2-01-07
After yesterday's strip and that thing about her birthday some people might think that you and Britney are having problems.
I doubt it. It's just normal martital stuff. Anyone who has been married for awhile would recognize that.
I guess that's true. She is a good woman really.
Most definitely. I love her. I guess someone viewing these recent comics might think she's controlling or dominating but that's far from the truth.
****BUZZZ********BUZZZ********BUZZ****
Your electronic tether is going off.
She's reminding me to bring home a two liter of Diet Coke. I forgot about it yesterday.

 

by Ranger77
2-01-07
Okay....I brought home 6 2-Liters of Diet Coke for you and a 12 pack of Classic Coke for me.
You know, of course, that I will HAVE to drink all your Classic Coke first.
Honey, that doesn't make sense. You wanted me buy all this Diet stuff for you. Kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it?
Perhaps. But you should have known that I'll go for the regular stuff first.
You have a Coke problem. You realize that don't you?
I DO NOT! I can quit any time I want to....

 

by Ranger77
2-01-07
You told your wife she has a Coke addiction?
She can kill a 2-liter bottle in one day. I was just being honest. In response to my comments she stated that she wanted me to try "crack."
Meaning....?
Meaning after I said what I did she chased me around with an empty 2-liter Diet Coke bottle, threatening to hit me over the head.
It's never reall dull at your house is it?
Nope. BTW, you're invited to dinner on Saturday. Protective headgear is optional, but recommended.

 

by Ranger77
2-01-07
Sometimes I'm not sure if you're just kidding, or you really have these conversations with Britney.
I may exaggerate from time to time I suppose.
So the Coca-Cola thing is all a joke, right.
Well....
Um....my name is Britney and I'm a Cokeaholic.
HI BRITNEY!

 

by Ranger77
2-01-07
Um....Yeah. Anyway my name is Britney and I haven't had any Coca Cola in 18 hours, 13 minutes and 10 seconds.
WAY TO GO BRITNEY! WE ARE WITH YOU!
My husband thinks I may have a problem which is why I'm here. I'm willing to go to these meetings and get off Coke because I love him.
AWESOME, BRITNEY! BE STRONG, GIRL!
Also, the lack of caffeine and the fact that you people are fucking annoying is making it very hard for me not to kill everyone in this room.
THAT'S WHY WE'RE BEHIND THIS CONCRETE BARRIER, BRITNEY! WOOO!

 

by Ranger77
2-02-07
I'm proud of you! No Coca-Cola in three days. Impressive!
Thanks! I was thinking that it would help me ALOT, if you were to give up something too. You know just to show your support for my effort.
Like...
Those fried foods you love. Chicken, fish and chips, shrimp....not really good for you at all. We can be healthy together!
Yeah. Great. So....can I get you a Coke?
Classic. No ice, please.

 

by Ranger77
2-03-07
Hello little one.
Hello.
I'm from PETA. I want to save you from your life of servitude. Come with me.
Dude, I'm good. My owner is right over there. I had to take a leak.
The path of the wicked is paved with the hardened dead skin of denial.
I'm thinking this whole "I'm going to scare the shit out of you" thing isn't helping your pitch. You might want to work on your delivery a bit more....

 

by Ranger77
2-04-07
I want to help you. I want to free you. Surely there is no harm in that.
Um....nope still not buying it.
My intentions are honorable.
Yeah. Sure. And when I hump my owner's leg I'm just being cute. You're one of those "killing them is better than being a pet" PETA types aren't you?
I've got some nice kibble in my van.
The offer of treats and a van. I guess you can't get more innocent than that.

 

by Ranger77
2-04-07
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16950980/
We only want to relieve their suffering. Your suffering too.
I thought you guys only killed animals you "obtained" from shelters?
It's been a slow week. It's good to be diverse. And do not judge us. We give animals the dignity they deserve.
By letting their corpses rot in the back of a vehicle before dumping them en masse in garbage cans.
Cans made out of RECYCLED aluminum, I'll have you know.
Well I guess that changes everything. Nothing psychotic there.

 

by Ranger77
2-05-07
What we are doing is humane. If you let me kill you you'll get 25 doggy virgins in paradise.
On that note, I'm thinking this conversation is pretty much over. Thanks for the insanity. See ya.
How can you live in such a closed mind! If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem!
And....uh....KFC is evil!

 

by Ranger77
2-06-07
Wow. Weird huh....you know, for one of our own to snap like that.
Yeah. To go after someone with a BB-gun and wearing a diaper, that takes balls in my book.
Oh come on. The diaper was under her clothes. Astronaut or not, that chick was nuts.
Maybe. But it makes me wonder if I should check with those who've I've been romantically involved with to make sure they're ok and not obsessed over me.
I don't think your HAND is going to actually "talk" to you, but if it does you might want to take the glove off.
Shut up.

 

by Ranger77
2-06-07
I'm just saying you don't have to worry about some woman being going over the edge because of you.
My winkee has seen PLENTY of bunnyholes, I'll have you know. I'm a player. Or is that "playa." It's hard to keep track and I haven't watched BET in weeks.
So....I hear it's Taco Night on the Mess Deck. Kinda cool, eh?

 

by Ranger77
2-07-07
I really have to prevent another love struck woman from going crazy like that. Time to contact all my old girlfriends.
Luckily I met them all through one website...Internet dating ROCKS!
http://www.loveme.com/women/russia/
It's amazing that there would be so many babes that wanted to marry me in Voronezh.

 

by Ranger77
2-08-07
Hey, Oksana.
Yes.
I know it's been awhile. I've always thought about what I would say after our break up. I know it was mutual but....
Ah...Spaceman who don't have rocket and no money. Sad.
Yeah, but....
I remember you. Bad attitude, small pee-pee. How you doing no rocket spaceman?

 

by Ranger77
2-08-07
Lashing out at me doesn't help things Oksana. We should remember the good times.
I never met you, no rocket spaceman. We chat on the Yahoo IM.
But we DID share initimate moments.
Nyet. You asked what I was wearing and after I tell you there would be no chat for several minutes.
I just need you to get over me and not do anything stupid with BB-guns or diapers.
Ah, Oksana see. Spaceman with no rocket also have no medication today....

 

by Ranger77
2-10-07
Lissen, Spaceman with no rocket....Oksana fine. No need to worry. You were internet chat plaything for week. No relationship.
Our chats was funny. I showed them to my friends and now most of them want to marry Canadians now. So you help immigration! HAHA!
You're English has gotten ALOT better. You sound like a Bond girl....
Thank you. I practice. But don't get carried away. Keep little rocket in spacesuit pants.....

 

by Ranger77
2-20-07
The Three Stages of Media Hype! Stage One: The EVENT!
This just in! A model who we've ridculed as being a drugged out golddigger joke has died! Extensive coverage begins now!!
What a difference a day makes, eh?
Stage Two: Nostalgia! (a day or so later)
We will now do a retrospective of this fragile person who was truly "America's Rose."
Women everywhere should feel sad for losing such a tragic "candle in the wind."
Stage Three: ATTACK!
So did they bury that slut yet? We'll discuss this with a bunch on media pundits to milk this thing further later.
But first...the drugs that were found in her system and how YOU can get them!

 

by Ranger77
2-27-07
One comic in two weeks and it was rather brutal.
We were on vacation. Funny things happen when we go on vacation.
Yeah, unfortunately it's not the comics. Anything coming up that I should know about?
Nothing important....
So you think rehab will pull my career out of the toilet?
Well, not actually 'out' of the toilet. Maybe from the bowl to the seat....

 

by Ranger77
2-27-07
This is a very exclusive rehabilitation center. Before you start our program I need to ask some questions. Have you ever abused drugs?
Nope. Not lately.
Okay. Keep in mind your answers will determine how we will help you. Do you have an alcohol problem?
No.
Have you ever been in a movie where the trailer for it begins with "IN A WORLD...."
Bingo!

 

by Ranger77
2-28-07
We heal the mind as well as the body here at our Rehab facility. Tell me about the worst thing you've ever done in your life.
Wow. The worst? It's still rather painful to talk about.
Go ahead. We've heard it all. There is no judgement here.
Well....ok. A few years ago I invested in a US professional soccer team.
Yikes! You ARE a freak aren't you. You're going to need our VIP treatment. Drop your pants and bend over. If you can. I mean, being STUPID and all....
Will this cost extra? I usually only do the "Nursie/butt probe thing" with women I've known for at least a week.

 

by Ranger77
2-28-07
Well that's about all we can do for today. How do you feel?
A little better I guess.
Great. Your room is down the hall. I hope you'll find it satisfactory.
One question though. Why does this rehab have a morgue and why is Britney Spears on that slab?
You're funny. All of our patients are celebrities. That's not Ms. Spears. It's her career.
You're scaring me, Nursie. Like really, REALLY bad....

 

by Ranger77
3-01-07
Uh, Trey? What are you doing on the floor?
Can't walk....doing that therapy....with the yogurt...in lots of pain....
Yogurt therapy?
Asian doctor.... called me....told me to give myself.... a yogurt enema induction....Fifteen pints....and hold it for....three hours....
Brother, is there any particular reason you are messing with the minds of the terminally stupid....AGAIN?
Did you see his last movie? He owes me anal pain AND $15....

 

by Ranger77
3-04-07
You don't feel the slightest bit guilty about getting Trey to shoot 15 pints of yogurt up his bottom.
Not at all. He's a celebrity using rehab as a way to market himself. I'm just helping him.
Helping?
He's lactose intolerant and I paid some of the rehab staff to follow him around with a video camera for the impending explosion.
Ah....YouTube.
Exactly. Anally propelled yogurt beats the hell out of Emo kids on skateboards or live action Space Invaders....

 

by Ranger77
3-05-07
I saw the script for our 1000th comic.
Yep. We've built our "Coundown to 1000!" promotion around it.
It's not much of a countdown. This is the 999th comic. The next comic is number 1000.
So....you saw the comic. What did you think?
How does one actually "countdown" to a higher number anyway?
You're applying logic. That's cute....

 

by Ranger77
3-06-07
1000!
Fuck.

Showing page 20.

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