All comics by biped

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by biped
3-12-05
I'm confused. Are we going to invade the Earth, Mr. Stinky Butt?
No, just Scotland! How does that grab ya, fruitcake?
Well, I...where'd he go?
He had to leave. I'm taking over for him in this panel. Hope that suits you. If not, tough Twinkies, fruitcake!
Okay, well... holy jizz turrets! I've turned into a coyote?
Sure, you always switch bodies with a coyote when you die. Now follow me... I'll take you to your grave.

 

by biped
3-18-05
PAPA!!!

 

by biped
3-18-05
Mom, why did Woofy have to die?
Well, Bobby -- death is just a part of life. It comes to all of us, sooner or later.
Didja hear that, sis? Death is a part of life, and sooner or later we're all gonna be DEAD!
NO, BOBBY, NO! I DON'T WANNA BE DEAD!
Well, you're GONNA be dead, so you might as well SHUT UP and ACCEPT IT!
NO!!! NO!!! WAAAAAAA-HA-HAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
3-18-05
MAKE WAY! DEAD KIDS WALKIN'! DEAD KIDS WALKIN'!
WE ARE THE DEAD! THE LIVING DEAD!
Look, Bobby...a dead wino.
Yep. That's us before long, sis...just a couple of cold, stiff, rotting corpses...food for the worms.
I gave Bobby and Sally the old speech about death being a "part of life." It'll help them get over Woofy.
Kids -- heh, heh. Too young to have any concept of their own mortality. How I often envy the carefree little tykes.

 

by biped
3-18-05
No use putting it off, sis. It's pointless to suffer the prolonged agonies of life, when, in the end, death is our only reward anyway.
Yeah...we might as well get it over with now, if inevitable death is the sole purpose for living. Bye, Bobby.
Your kids threw themselves under a train. They were both killed instantly.
NO!!! BOBBY...SALLY... NOOOOOO!!!
Now, dear. Death is just a part of life. It comes to all of us sooner or --
EAT SHIT, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! WAAAAAAA-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
3-19-05
Yes, sir. Can I take your order?
Yes, I would like a hamburger and a small Pepsi.
Hmm. That's unusual.
What is?
People usually order fries with their hamburger.
Oh...well, I'm watching my sodium intake.

 

by biped
3-19-05
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Milton Street?
Sure. Go down three blocks and take a left. Milton Street is at the next stoplight.
Thanks. Err...what are you looking at?
Well...I never saw anyone do that before.
Do what?
That guy across the street is wearing a checkered jacket with striped pants.

 

by biped
3-19-05
*sniff* I losted my doggy.
I think I saw a little doggy just back that way a bit.
Thanks, mister! Uh, can I ask you a question?
Sure. What?
Was it a little grey and white doggy?
Yes.

 

by biped
3-19-05
This is how the people should have reacted.
Yes sir, can I take yoOH MY FUCKING GWAAAH-HA-HAAAAAAA!!!
...h-hamburger, and...
Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to --
YIKES!!! SHIT-FUCK-PISS!!! FUCKITY-FUCK-FUCK!!! MOMMYYYY!!!
*sniff* I losted my HOLY PURPLE SHIT-EATING MOTHERFUCKITY HELLHOUNDS ON WHEELS!!! YOU CRAZY-ASS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, 100%FUCKED-UP ASSHOLE!!!
I think I saw...err...

 

by biped
3-23-05
So, you're planning on jumping your motorcycle over this toilet?
Yeah. I figured I'd start small, and then gradually work my way up to bigger stuff.
Like what?
Oh, like that trough-style urinal over there. My dream is to someday jump it lengthwise.
And then what? Or is jumping the trough-style urinal the culmination of your life's dreams?
Well...there is this one restroom at Caesar's Palace. Eight stalls. And someday I'll see those stalls -- from the air.

 

by biped
3-23-05
Big red robot, he so horny...with his dick of shiny chrome...big red balls, keep on bouncin'...while that pecker's poundin' home...
COOORRRN-HOLE, AL-A-BAMA!!! THAT WHAT TOBOR WANNA DO!!! COOORRRN-HOLE, AL-A-BAMA!!! TILL THESE RED BALLS TURN TO BLUE!!!
Big, hairy Germans with huge, fatty buttocks...effeminate Swedes dressed in knickers and kneesocks...tight Asian sphincters on Chins, Hongs, and Lings...
THESE ARE A FEW TOBOR'S FAVORITE THIIIIIINGS!!!
Sheriff John Brown always hated Tobor...even more than he hated the French...every time Tobor came up from behind...you could hear his buttocks clench...and I say...
TOBOR CORNHOLE SHER-IFF!!! BUT TOBOR DID NOT CORNHOLE DEPUTY!!!

 

by biped
3-24-05
Man, I hate this bus stop. Why in the world they would stick a bus stop right in front of a big, scary haunted house is beyond me. Tsk, tsk...
Why in the fuck am I waiting for a bus?

 

by biped
3-25-05
I think we're lost. Let's ask for directions.
No, no, we're almost there.
Almost where?
Grandma's house.
Wait till I invite them in for some milk and cookies. Then blow their fuckin' heads off.

 

by biped
3-25-05
I think we're lost. Let's ask for directions.
No, no, we're almost there.
Almost where?
Almost to the parakeet.
Well? What the hell's keeping those assholes?

 

by biped
3-26-05
OH, YEAH? SAME TO YOU, YOU BIG, FAT ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN, I'LL --
Who are you yelling at?
Billy Joel. What an incredible jerk he is. Oh, how I hate and depise him.
BILLY JOEL? Oh, my GOD! I LOVE Billy Joel!

 

by biped
3-27-05
Twelve dracmas? Oh my, that seems an exhorbitant price, yes...exhorbitant, indeed...
Pay up or I'm outta here, buddy-boy!
You must do some very, very special things for such a price...very special things, indeed...yes...
I give super-duper blow jobs!
Goodness, then I must try one of them at once...tell me, shall I remove my pants at this time?
Nah, I'll just hop in! You can walk around if ya want!

 

by biped
3-27-05
So this is my eternal punishment for being gay.
Oh, I'm sure you were warned. You shoulda listened.
But I didnt think it was TRUE!
WELL, I DIDN'T THINK "FIREBOMBING A MATERNITY WARD IS BAD" was true, either! NOW look at me!
You did that? Wow...that's pretty bad.
Regis Philbin told me to do it. Or, he could have been introducing Willem Dafoe. I just wanted to be on the safe side.

 

by biped
5-07-05
I don't care how big it is -- you're not having sex with me. Not in a million years. Not ever.
WOW! Fourteen big, throbbing, rock-hard, incredibly veiny inches, eh?
Um...not really.

 

by biped
5-07-05
We have a puzzle here, Inspector Lonnrot.
Indeed. Indeed! What do you think happened here?
I don't know. But I doubt very much if this had anything to do with that circus being in town right now.
And that's where you're wrong.
Later...
Inspector, we've been here six months now, and I don't think --
GOBBLE-DEE GOOBLE-DEE!!! HEY KIDS, IT'S ME -- FUNNY OL' "FARTIN' FRED"!!! FRRRRT!!!

 

by biped
5-07-05
Alright, everyone! Stop this imbibing of alcoholic beverages and mindless carousing! It is sinful and degrading!
Oh, yeah? Well, Noah used to get drunk on his ass and pass out nekkid! And God thought rather highly of him as I recall!
Umm, yes, well...
And one time his sons found him and covered him up, and later when he woke up he got mad at THEM for seeing him passed out nekkid!
Err...I really don't think that's one of the more important parts of the Bible...
Well, I'm doing my sermon on it tomorrow, Father! Perhaps you'd like to drop by and check it out -- I'll be shit-faced drunk! AND nekkid!

 

by biped
5-07-05
Oh, shit! A Hispanic! And me just fixin' to git hitched!
Hola, my leetle bride-to-be! I, Jorge, ees here to keednap joo!
Bug off, you Messkin... finger-puppety-lookin'...thang...with big, bulgin' --
Ah, joo notice Jorge's beeg, bulging crotch, eh? JA-JA! Ees for joo!
Is... is it as big as a Taco Bueno burrito?
Si! Ees a two-hander!

 

by biped
5-07-05
CAREFUL!!! YOU'LL STEP ON THE TINY MEL GIBSONS!!!
YAAA!!! WHAT THE FUCK!?!
Dumbass BITCH!!! Sorry, tiny Mels...
Good heavens, my child! What on earth was all that about?
Ha-ha! The tiny Mel Gibsons just crawled up your pants leg, and now they're jacking you off!
What? I don't -- uh --UNNNNGGGGHHHH!!!

 

by biped
5-07-05
I'm Clone #5. Heh -- we "under ten's" are very proud of our heritage.
Me... num... ber... 103, 482. Me... pee... pee... in pants.
Sometimes I get to fill in for the REAL Father O'Mallard. My sermons, of course, are about "tolerance."
I have lots of wild, uninhibited sex, and help boost his reputation among the "hot babes" in the community.
I eat dinner at his mother's on Sunday. Dear Lord, the old bag can't cook for bat shit.
I whack motherfuckers on..."the list."

 

by biped
5-07-05
...and so, remember..."charity", according to the apostle Paul in his epistle to --
YO! I'm CALLING YOUR ASS OUT, Father O'Mallard!
Oh, fuck...excuse me, everyone...
LET'S GET IT ON, FUCKER!!!
Bobby...please...don't make me fuck your shit up...you know I will...
FUCK YOU!!!

 

by biped
5-07-05
OKAY, Bobby -- you've fucked with me for the LAST TIME.
EAT SHIT, ASSHOLE!!!
GOD! FUCK BOBBY'S SHIT UP! NOW!!!
Hey, wait a damn minute --
YAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
5-07-05
WHA -- I sense that something bad is happening to my Bobby!
MOMMY, HELP!!!
Had enough, you little shithead?
My mommy will HURT and/or KILL you... FUCKER!!!
PRIEST HURT BOBBY!!! MOMMY HELP!!!
Believe me, you don't want any of this...BITCH!!!

 

by biped
5-07-05
FUCK you, I -- YAAAAAAAA!!!
TOLD YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!
Anybody ELSE want to fuck with me? NO? Didn't THINK so! And now, as I was saying...
NO FAIR! You get GOD to fight your fights for you, you BIG, FAT PUSSY!
Oh, I'm sorry...did you not eat enough of my shit LAST TIME, dickhead? GET 'IM, GOD!
YAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
5-07-05
HELP me, God! Help me fuck this SHIT-EATING COCKSUCKER'S fucking shit UP! A-MEN!
HA-HA! Stupid, God doesn't listen to --
WHAT THE FUCK!?!
WELCOME TO HELL, ASSHOLE!!!
...and don't ANY of you fuckers think any BAD THINGS about me, or I'll do the SAME THING to YOU!!!
(GULP!) It...it's GOOD that you sent Father O'Mallard to Hell for all eternity, Bobby! It's VERY good!

 

by biped
5-07-05
I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT! DAMN THE LITTLE FUCKER'S SOUL TO THE EVERLASTING FUCKING FLAMES OF HELL -- NOW!
GRRRRRRRR!!!
No...NOOOOOOO!!!
Sorry Bobby...guess you didn't have your shit together with God as tight as my longtime nemesis, old Father O'Fuckface.
Why? WHY did you have to send my poor little Bobby to HELL? WHY?
Because he was starting to PISS ME OFF -- THAT'S why! Now SIT DOWN and SHUT THE FUCK UP!

 

by biped
5-07-05
Oh, fuck -- this shit's getting old. I'm sending them BOTH to Hell.
Send them ALL to Hell, God! See how they like attending Mass enveloped in the horrendous flames of the LAKE OF FIRE!
Well? HAPPY NOW, you little PRICK?
SHUT UP!!!
Later...
Of course, Bobby didn't mean anything by it, Father O'Mallard. I'm sure you can see your way to forgive --
Welcome to my SHIT LIST, you FUCKING CUNT!

 

by biped
5-08-05
I really like this new restaurant where you can play videogames while you eat.
I really like to have wild, uninhibited anal sex with retarded farm animals.
Oh yeah, and this new restaurant, too.

 

by biped
5-08-05
What...this is it? A fucking chicken...no background...no other characters...that's it?
Umm...oh muh god, I don't wanna get married...oh, I think I'll run away...err, "chicken out", ha-ha...oh, fuck...
SHIT! Umm...err...oh, fuck me, I'm just a fucking chicken...what the flying fuck am I supposed to...ehh...
Pray to me, stupid. Pray for deliverance. Hope to Me that I'll feel like lifting a divine finger to help your dumb fucking chicken ass.

 

by biped
5-10-05
Shit runs DOWNHILL, lady! DOWNHILL! I been at this fucking job for almost TWENTY-FIVE--
TRICK OR TREAT!
Oh, excuse me. I didn't know you were trick-or-treating.
TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET!
Err...can I go trick-or-treating with you? I'm almost off-duty, and --
LET'S GO TO POPCORN-BALL LADY'S HOUSE!

 

by biped
5-10-05
Okay, let's try again.
Yellow shirt ... red hair... mustache...
Hmm... yes! I think I've got it this time!

 

by biped
5-10-05
OH, BOY! POPCORN BALLS!
TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET!
FUCK! FUCK! SHE DIDN'T ANSWER THE DOOR!
BREAK IT DOWN! KILL! KILL!
Oh my, don't you two look cute in your little Halloween costumes. Wait here, and I'll go get the popcorn balls.
KILL! KI -- THANK YOU, NICE LADY!

 

by biped
5-10-05
Quick and efficient, Leonard. Two shots each in the chest -- then one in the head.
Yes'm.
Hey, maw -- they done took alla yer popcorn balls and left.
Why, those fucking BASTARDS!
KILL! KILL! KILL!
RALPH!!! MAKE SOME FUCKING POPCORN BALLS!!! QUICK!!!

 

by biped
5-10-05
TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET!
GIVE US SOME POPCORN BALLS OR YOU'RE DEAD MEAT!
...known as "The Popcorn Ball Killers", have left a bloody trail of terror and death in their wake.
This just in -- witnesses confirm that it doesn't even help to smell their feet. They'll kill you anyway.
TRICK OR TREAT!
NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE POPCORN BALLS!

 

by biped
5-10-05
I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO FUCK MEN FOR MONEY INSTEAD OF POPCORN BALLS!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO ARREST PEOPLE FOR KILLING! KILLING GETS YOU POPCORN BALLS!
Next day...
Well, what did you do after work yesterday, Officer McPeevey?
None of your damn business, Inspector. I will tell you this, though... I ate my motherfucking fill of popcorn balls.
Yo, BITCH! Where's all my damn money fum yesterday?
Oh, I didn't turn any "tricks" yesterday, DeWayne...but I DID get plenty of "treats"! *WINK*

 

by biped
5-11-05
IT JUST APPEARED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR! I SWERVED, AND... OMIGOD, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT WAS!
Gee, I didn't mean to appear right in front of his car!
I meant to appear right in his lap!

 

by biped
5-11-05
Gosh, this really is an intensive missile strike.
HEY SALLY!!! REMEMBER WHEN MY NEIGHBOR MR. WILSON GOT SO HOPPING MAD AT THOSE T-BONE STEAKS THAT HIS WIFE BOUGHT!!!
Yeah, ha-ha! That was my favorite comic strip about you.
HUH!!! I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A COMIC STRIP ABOUT ME!!! WOW!!!

 

by biped
5-11-05
Is there anything else you can tell me about him?
Well, I hate to say it...but he was probably the sexiest man I've ever seen.
A-ha. Good. I think I've got it now.

 

"So I fucked a horse! Who knows -- maybe it will actually HELP her offspring win the Kentucky Derby!"
by biped, 5-11-05

 

"Don't flatter yourself, sweetie. Your shit didn't taste all that great."
by biped, 5-11-05

 

by biped
5-11-05
Hmm hmm. Doot dee-doo...
Look, shithead...I don't think --
That's right, sweetie. You don't think. Now shut the fuck up or --
Or WHAT? Honestly, I don't think you know what the fuck you're doing.
Oh, I know what I'm doing, toots. Just take a gander at this -- and see if it isn't the spitting image of your husband's killer.

 

by biped
5-12-05
That's him, Your Honor. That's the fiend who slaughtered my husband with a chainsaw.
WHAT THE FUCK!?!
How'd the cavity search go, Sarge?
Shoulda seen it. Big Boy shook like a bowl fulla jelly.
Well, isn't this just JOLLY AS HELL!
Psst, Santa...the cake has a file in it. Oh, wait...I forgot to put the...well, anyway, it's a nice cake...oh right, you hate coconut, don't you...eh...heh...

 

by biped
5-12-05
...and said, "HEY! WHAT'S IN THE BOWL...BITCH!"
Ha-ha! Ha, ha...ha!
Ha, ha...that cat sure is funny...
Clucky, the cat has been telling you old Andrew Dice Clay jokes. He didn't make them up himself.
"...and said, 'HEY! WHAT'S IN THE BOWL...BITCH!'"
Wha...she's RIGHT! Whiskers LIED to me!

 

by biped
5-12-05
...so I said, "Don't try to TALK, Honn-eyyy! Just SUCK MY DICK ALREA --"
DON'T LISTEN to him, everybody! Whiskers STOLE those jokes!
Hey chicken, you got a FUCK-ING PROB-LEM --
...and the jokes he was telling LAST WEEK were GILBERT GOTTFRIED jokes! He's been getting them off of HBO!
I didn't steal those jokes! I...I WROTE them MYSELF! And then SOLD them to HBO! Yeahhhh...THAT'S the ticket! Yeahh --
Oh, SHUT UP!

 

by biped
5-12-05
..DOUBLE LOADS (heh-heh... chickens aren't allowed in the house) for YOU and YOU and YOU!
TARNATION! I've got the FUNNIEST dang cat in the WHOLE WORLD! I'm gonna put 'im on the TV and make a MILLION DOLLARS!
And now -- the FUNNIEST CAT in the WHOLE WORLD -- WHISKERS!
(Oh, CRAP! Everyone will recognize my stolen jokes! I've got to make up some new ones -- FAST!)
Uhh... errr... roses are red... violets are blue... uhh... I've got a big wiener... and --
HE... HE'S TALKING!!! OH MY GOD!!! A TALKING CAT!!!

 

by biped
5-12-05
"WHISKERS THE TALKING CAT continues to amaze millions around the world! Scheduled to be knighted today by Queen Elizabeth, he --"
WHAT THE FUCK!?!
Hoo-eee! That Whiskers shore is somethin', ain't he, Clucky? Why, I --
Oh for PETE'S SAKE!!! He STOLE all of those fucking JOKES -- DUMBASS!!!
Look at ME, everybody! I'm a talking chicken! A TALKING CHICKEN! See? I can TALK!
Why... you STOLE your act from WHISKERS, you dirty THIEF! BOO! BOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
5-12-05
Don't get up, girls -- I'll answer it. Oh -- it's YOU, Clucky. What brings you to this neck of Beverly Hills?
Farmer Brown kicked me off the farm. Oh, and... I'm a pariah in the entertainment industry, too.
Well, Clucky old pal -- you shouldn't have tried to steal my act. It's called "plagiarism", you know -- heh, heh.
WHY, YOU DIRTY -- I mean... I was wondering if I could stay here... I'll earn my keep, of course... whatever you want...
Hi, Clucky! I'm here to see Whiskers! Is he --
Get lost, ya old fart. He's havin' his afternoon blow job. NEEEXXXT!

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