All comics by brycekain

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by brycekain
5-30-15
Please, dear lord. The bliss you are bringing me makes me never want it to end. You are truly a beautiful creature. Thank you for your blessings upon me.
God doesn't exist, asshole.
I was talking to the guy sucking my dick.

 

by brycekain
5-30-15
Look, just come out of the closet, Barry. We all know what you did.
No, you're just going to make fun of me. I don't need your ridicule.
What do you expect when you vote for Ted Cruz?

 

by brycekain
5-30-15
This place looks wet, sticky, and smells like Ashton Kutcher's ass.
Congratulations! This is the 100th Madonna's Vagina joke we've ever done! Hurray!
Seriously?
I don't really give a shit anymore.

 

by brycekain
5-30-15
Please don't do it! You'll die out there!
But I must. If we're going to survive, one of us must get off this island and go for help!
I hope he fucking drowns.

 

by brycekain
5-31-15
Look at it, man. The sheer awesome power of God's magnificent plan, all put together in a blue and green masterpiece.
Billions of people living their lives and from up here life seems so simple. So elegant. So peaceful.
You're going to blow the shit out of it, aren't you?
It's sweeps week, bitch!

 

by brycekain
5-31-15
Stop doing that to my wackadoodles.
Doing what?
What was he doing? Trimming the hedges? Plowing the gardens? Mopping the moose? Submit your answers now!
Submit my answers now? ...the fuck?
His majesty needs to get more sleep.
I heard that.
No one cares.

 

by brycekain
5-31-15
What are you supposed to be?
I'm representing my heritage and promoting southern pride! What are you supposed to be?
Well I was going to be the ghost of Jacob Marley tonight.
Was?
Yeah, but now that I heard that line of bullshit, I just want to follow you around yelling, "PLEASE GIMME MY FREEDOM, MASSA! PLEEEEEASE GIMME MY FREEDOM!"

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
I'm pretty depressed today, so I don't know if I'm going to make any comics or not.
You make me sick! Making jokes about depression. What's wrong with you! It's a mental illness that should be taken seriously!
But I AM seriously depressed today.
Then stop looking silly!
But I'm not doing anything....
I was talking to your penis.

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
Come on.... you know you wanna....

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
Put down that cup of poison!
This isn't poison, my good man. It's Earl Grey Tea.
Yeah right. I've seen enough Star Trek episodes to know a bad guy when I see one!
Then you should know the red shirts always die first.
What? Oh this? It accidently got washed with mom's old underwear.
One comic too late.

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
Dun nun.....
Bartender, I'll have another!
Dun nun.....

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
I'm poor and homeless.
HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!!!!

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
You Americans with your football! It's violent, homophobic, and your players treat their women like crap. I spit on all of you!
Ok, but what's happening over there?
Oh, the ambulances?
Soccer riot.

 

by brycekain
6-01-15
*sniff sniff*
Dammit, Ethel! Stop queefing!
Sorry! I was eating a Milky Way!

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
Jesus, will you build my hotrod?
What? No!
But Ministry said you built their hotrod and had a love affair with the tailpipe or something.
Man, ya know, you bang ONE chevy and OOOOH NOOO! They write a fuckin' song about it.

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
So my wife brought my dead cat back from the crematorium and set it on my garage collection self.
So what's the punchline?
Nothing. I'm just sad :(
Oh what in the actual fuck...?

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
I see you're walking through the park all alone. Do you need help?
Uh....no....
I see you're on your 5th Gin and Tonic. Do you need help?
No, go away!
I see...
Don't even fucking say it!

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
Hello?
Hello!
Where are you?
Over here!
Are you doing "the Dinosaur" yet?
Still stuck in the 90s, eh?

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
Sooooo......?
How was your first day as a gynecologist?

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
Google "redneck avengers video."
You're welcome.

 

by brycekain
6-02-15
Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and gray. Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul.
Now I understand what you tried to say to me. And how you suffered for your sanity. And how you tried to set them free.
I miss you, Shellby. :(

 

by brycekain
6-04-15
Thank you for taking the time to answer our questions from the Census Bureau. One final question: What sexual orientation do you identify with?
Asexual.
I'll just put down "buttfucker."

 

by brycekain
6-04-15
Stop checking out ass.
But you have poo down there.

 

by brycekain
6-05-15
I'll be god damned.
Isn't it wonderful?
And all this is from McDonald's?
Every last bit!
Huh. Who knew that stealing from bathrooms could be so lucrative...
Lucrative? I plan on jamming these up my ass.

 

by brycekain
6-05-15
D3 to B12.
What? You cant do that.
C7 to H23.
Now you're just making shit up.
Checkmate. AH!
D3 to FU, motherfucker.

 

This is worse than garlic.
by brycekain, 6-05-15

 

by brycekain
6-06-15
You're very funny, sir. Jesus had a great sense of humor, too. But do you know what he also had? Love and compassion for your sins. He died so you could live!
So if Charles Manson or Hitler believed in Jesus, they'd be in heaven when they died?
Absolutely! God forgives all our sins, no matter how big or small.
So I could chop you up with an ax, grind your bones into paste, and serve your remains at the local TGI Fridays... and I can still get into heaven if I believed in Jesus the whole time?
That is correct!
What fucking planet did you come from?

 

by brycekain
6-07-15
Your temperature reads normal.
Did you just take that out of my ass?
No, I took it out of your mouth. You know that, so why would you ask?
The readers thought it, so I said it.

 

by brycekain
6-08-15
Off to college, huh? That's great! Did you get one of those minority scholarships from the UNCF?
I should probably just move out, shouldn't I?
If you want to still be breathing tomorrow.

 

by brycekain
6-10-15
Distant sailboat. Off in the distance. Being distant... and stuff.....
Life is mysterious or something....
This isn't a blatant ripoff of "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handy.

 

by brycekain
6-13-15
"Tiny bubbles....."
"All the time....."
I hate this commercial.

 

by brycekain
6-14-15
Welcome to Hell, Mr. Vick. If you look around you will see beautiful palm trees, sand as far as the eye can see, and water which can actually be consumed.
So what's the catch?
See that hole over there?
Yeah?
Jump in. The dogs will be along shortly to shit on your head.
Still better than Chick-fil-a.

 

by brycekain
6-14-15
Thou shalt not commit adultery!
I was just going to make a sandwich.
Thou shalt not commit gluttony!
Dude, it's just ONE sandwich. Jesus Christ!
Thou shalt not take the LORD's name in vain!
No wonder they murdered your ass.

 

by brycekain
6-14-15
My lord, there has been some debate on whether marriage between two people of the same gender can take place. What say you?
That depends on two things.
What?
How big are them TITTIES?? Am I right? Who's with me?
What?

 

by brycekain
6-14-15
I'm putting in my official notice. In 15 years I'll be retiring.
HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA

 

by brycekain
6-15-15
I am here seeking truth.
I'm sorry, but you will find none here.
Then show me where I can find justice in this harsh world.
Down the block and to the left.
Justice?
Meet me in the back alley in five minutes. Bring a roll of quarters.

 

by brycekain
6-15-15
The victim was rigorously engaging in some sort of unspeakable, yet repetitive action that caused a massive coronary, as well as humiliation and shame.
Case closed. Wrap him up, boys!
Unfortunately for Bob, paralysis followed him into zombiedom. He was later cremated and flushed down the shitter.
I was doing The Monkey, you twat!

 

by brycekain
6-16-15
I can't believe you decided to do this.
Why?
Because it goes against everything in your nature to do so.
What do you mean?
Dude. Fast food?
SHHHHHHHHHH! This is Chick-fil-A and I'm not a dude anymore!

 

by brycekain
6-16-15
I can't say that I fully understand what is going on here.
Ok, let me explain.
You like having sex with other men, right?
Yeah, so....?
Well, we find that icky and so does Jesus, so............ NO RIGHTS FOR YOU!

 

by brycekain
6-19-15
It's not racist! I'm promoting southern pride!
It's not racist! I'm promoting southern pride!
Ever notice that only white people say this?
It's not racist! I'm...
FUCKIN' DEAD, CRACKER!

 

by brycekain
6-21-15
"The KKK , The NRA , President Obama, Charlton Heston, Naked Greased Up Deaf Guy..."
Oh, are you entering the CC614?
No.
Then what are you doing?
Fucking up Evil D's flow.

 

by brycekain
6-24-15
Soldier! Why did you join God's army?!
SIR! To feed my judgmental urges, to live in ignorance of my own religion despite owning the handbook, and all the unbridled closet-gay-sex I could ever wish for, SIR!
You make me proud, you queer son of a bitch! Now go pass some legislation!
SANTORUM 2016!

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
What are you doing?
Trying to be you.
You have dislexia, don't you?

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
I see that you lost the race again. This is your third loss in a row and your owner says that you'll be retiring soon. What do you plan on doing after you retire?
I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!
What if Disneyland really meant Glue Factory.
You poor bastard.

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
I heard that you're working out now.
Nobody's talking about that. Don't be a jerk off.
How much weight have you lost so far?
I haven't weighed myself. Probably 5 or 10 lbs. Give or take.
So what? 500 lbs to go?
You more time and I'm turning you into Don Lemon.

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
So what are you supposed to be?
An immortal blood sucker, hell bent on destroying everything that is pure in this world!
You wanna job?

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
IT'S HERITAGE! NOT RACISM!
IT'S HERITAGE! NOT RACISM!
Ok, it's racism.
Uh huh.

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
*QUEEF!*

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
I can't believe he used the "N" word on national TV.
He's done it before. That's why I had to do it.
YOU KILLED DON LEMON??
What? No!
Then what's with the...
My wife is on her period.

 

by brycekain
6-26-15
I'm sorry. But this isn't the right address. You're going to have to return to sender.
Fine. Just let me out.
Oh. Yeah. About that. I'm a cannibal.
No you're not.
There was no way to make this funny.
Wanna fuck?
Roadhouse.

Showing page 20.

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