All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

And that will do it for the World Series. Coach, what was the difference?
Well our bullpen really came through.
They really can throw a cutter.
Hey coach, if you guys are done throwing me, could I go home now?

 

Hola! I'm Dora. We need to get through the forest to make it to Candy Mountain. But be on the lookout for that sneaky fox.
Oh no! It's Swiper! Swiper, what are you doing in the forest?
Just checking my Tinder account.
Swiper! No swiping!

 

Hey kids. It's me, Smokey Bear. How many of you know how to use tinder? Well, that sure is a lot of you.
When using tinder, if you see a very wet bush, stay away from it. They only lead to trouble.
Now boys, how many of you like to get wood? That's great!
And remember, if you see a flamer, kick sand on it. Now, who wants to watch me pitch a tent?

 

Okay kid, now to get you ready for the Undertaker, you gotta exercise. What exercises do you do?
I work out my index finger clicking on recent news events online to make online comics.
We need to develop more than just your index finger.
You're the coach.
Now get in that meat freezer and start punching the shit out of that frozen side of beef. Show me how tough you are!
Can I put on a sweater first?

 

OH MY GOD! Ragu did it! He kicked the holy living shit outta you!
To be honest, I wasn't sure he could. I was making his funeral preparations for after Wrestlemania.
But after seeing this I've got new hope. I've got--
You've got to mop up the water at the top of the stairs. I slipped and fell down them after handing Ragu his ass.

 

Charlie! I got here as soon as I heard.
Monkey! So good to see you.
So, it's true then?
Yep. The ol' HIV.
Was it drug related?
To be honest, I've slept with a lot of ♫Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, meeeeeeeeeeen.♫

 

Are you here in the states for business or pleasure?
I'm trying to find a quicker route to India. I thought it might be just past that wall I climbed over.
You what?! Get the hell out of here and go back to where you came from!
Just sent another one packing President Trump. He did leave us a bunch of blankets as a parting gift though.
Eeeeeeexelent!

 

I said turn at the second tree! That's the third tree! Now we have to double back!
Slow down! This isn't a race! Watch out for that squirrel!
In a quarter mile, take a right. Stay to the left and follow the river where it forks left.
Thank god we ditched her and bought this new TomTom. Right Clark?
You said it Lewis!

 

Mr. President, the Russians are claiming to have the capability of putting a man on the moon.
Quick, get me the head of Pixar!
Two hours later...
Jon, get in here!
To infinity, and beyond!

 

The test reults are back. You are pregnant.
How long before I learn the sex of my child?
Some people say that if you get pregnant while being on top it will be a girl. And if the guy is on top it will be a boy. Why are you crying?
I'm gonna have puppies!

 

Hey Bill. Where's Tina?
We were having a hard time making ends meet so I forced her to start dancing at that exotic club down town.
Now, all of our bills are paid and she comes home and does her routine for me.
No way! You did the "Strip Creator"?

 

The dishwasher's out again. We really need to get a new one.
Restaurants have those industrial ones. I'll ask them which ones are the best.
They said this one was the best, so I brought him home.

 
by four_legged_tripod, 3-02-16

 

Did you talk to the priest about what you were giving up for lent?
Sure did.
Peanut butter?
Yep. No more PB&Js at 3am. No more sneaking my kids' peanut butter cups when they're not looking.
You're alergic to peanuts.
He doesn't have to know that.

 

And what are your qualifications?
To be honest, I've never really had a job.
But I'm good at telling my wife I'm looking for work while staying home and playing video games. Plus, I'm a fan of living off other people's money.
Good enough for me! Welcome aboard!
I hope to make the unemployment office proud as along as I work for it!

 

And why do you think you'd be a good addition here at KinderCare?
I have a lot of experience working with children?
Are we talking pediatrician or Chuck E. Cheese attendant?
Neither.
Sweat shop manager.

 

Let me just write this guy's name on the toe tag and I'm done for the evening.
What the hell kinda name is this? Straight line, then a curve, followed by an arrow?
Forget this! I'll just scratch it out and mark it "the dead body formally know as squiggly lines".

 

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Choooooo choooooo!

 

What?
I didn't say anything.
WHAT?
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!
I can't hear you. I went to a job fair yesterday and they were taking all the injun ears.

 

Yes, hello? The power seems to be out. Any idea on how long it will take to get it back on? Okay. Thanks.
What did they say?
It's going to be about an hour. They blew a transformer.
Wow. I need a cigarette.

 

You wouldn't believe what just happended to me.
Why? Becuase you are a pathological liar, or becuase you think I'm so much of a simpleton that I would not understand the words coming out of your mouth?
Is there a third option?
Depends.
If what just happend to you involves you getting a large sum of money or Ryan Gosling offering to fuck me, there is.

 

You wouldn't believe what just happended to me.
If you tell me one more time about some hair covered creature snatching you and shoving a rubbery tenticle from their stomach up your ass again, I'll scream!
But it really did---
AAAAGGGGGH!!!
What are you smiling about, girl?

 

You wouldn't believe what just happended to me.
Do we have to play this game everytime you --- Oh God! What's that smell? Did you shit yourself?
So I guess you would believe it then.

 

You wouldn't believe what just happended to me.
Would it explain the roll of quarters up your ass?
All I did was look at him and say,
"Put your money where your mouth is".

 

Welcome to JFK. I see you've flown in from Constantinople.
It's Istanbul, not Constantinople.
With a possible Trump presidency, and his views on economics, I'm referring to things as they were in the past.
I'm surprised you're even letting me into the country.
That day will come. Have fun in New Amsterdam you sheep herding barbarian!

 

Wha' cha got there?
Pokemon Go! You walk around with with your phone catching Pokemon. It tells you what's near you.
Let me see. Looks like there is a Pidgey near, an Oddish near, and 37 Ratattas. Oh, you know what else is near?
What? A Charmader?
No. Nature. Trees, grass, ponds. Go enjoy them for once.
Only through the screen of my iPhone.

 

So last night, I was out in the feild when I saw a bright light. I felt all fuzzy inside and blacked out. When I woke up this morning me butthole was sore.
Aliens. You were surely abducted and probed by aliens.
by four_legged_tripod, 8-04-16

 

She said, "I saw a bright light. I felt all fuzzy inside and blacked out. When I woke up this morning me butthole was sore".
Aliens. She was surely abducted and probed by aliens.
by four_legged_tripod, 8-09-16

 

This is gonna be awesome! I'm gonna get so wild tonight!
I'm gonna get wilder.
I think you meant to say "more wild".
Nope. I'm gonna kill Gene Wilder.
Why don't you just scare him and see if he makes a chocolate factory in his pants?

 

You see that line over there that separates Canada from the U.S.?
Yeah?
That's what we call a good borderline. Now let's look over here.
I swear to god I'll kill and feed you your pet rabbit if you even think of leaving me you bastard!
This is a bad borderline.

 

And will this be all together or on separate checks?
On the same check please.
Gee, thanks man.
You thought I was paying?

 

I'll take a half lemonade and half tea please.
Coming right up.
What took you so long?
Had to go to the basement. We now keep all the Arnold Palmers six feet under.

 

I don't quite understand your resume. You list "work ethic" and "hard worker" as your strengths.
I sure did.
Yet you have "I am a lazy boy" written on your face.
Of course.
In case you couldn't find a chair, I wanted to offer you a place to sit.

 

So our next door neighbor seems to have quite the raper wit.
Uh...
I think you mean "rapier" wit.
Not according to the women he forced to have sex.

 

Could you tell me more about this couch?
Sure. The main thing to know is that, unlike me,
the couch pulls out!

 

Why the fuck does it always happen that the lights go out when I'm in the shitter?
Now where's the toilet paper? There it is!
Uh, Mr. President? I think you just wiped your ass with the Constitution.
I did? I don't remember making another policy speech.

 

And their names will be written in the Lamb's Book of Life
Shanequa? You gotta be kidding me! How do you even spell that?
What happened to the days when parents gave their kids normal names like David, Aaron,
or Jehosaphat?

 

I'm Morgan Freeman, here to talk to you again about the wonders of the Penguin.
Hollywood has focused on their feet making movies about them marching, surfing, and dancing. But there is much more to them than their feet.
Their tuxedo-like appearance is called countershading, used as camouflage in the water but also making them very sexy looking.
Like whales, they have a layer of fat under their skin called "blubber" used to keep them warm but also giving them more cushion for the pushin'.
Dude? Why do you have Morgan Freeman dick breath?
Don't judge me. You know I have a thing for freckles.

 

Your wife just isn't working, huh? Well, if she were a computer, I'd advise you to turn her off and then turn her on again.
I'm very good at the first part, but the second part hasn't happened in two years.
Have you thought about pulling the plug?
Jesus Christ, man!
Let's wait until I can induce her into a coma first.

 

Fine! Then maybe I'll just leave and not return!
Don't you dare test me, young man!
What's the capitol of Ohio? How long did the war of 1812 last? If a train leaves from Chicago travelling at...

 

Just concentrate on my voice. As I count backwards, you'll feel yourself getting sleepier. 3...
Sleepier.
Your eyelids are geeting heavy. 2... You are fully relaxed. 1... And now you are asleep.
Asleep. zzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Did I just see a talking pig leave your office?
Don't ask. It doesn't make sense to anyone else either.

 

Look! These jamas are on sale for only $50!
Fifty bucks for pjs? And that's on sale? I don't get it.
They're Vera Wang, honey.
I don't care. I'm not sure I'd spend fifity bucks on my own wang.

 

Tom, we understand if you need to take the next game off.
It can be hard mourning the loss of your mother.
Dammit! For the last time,
I was never a part of that Brady bunch!

 

What are you doing back on base? I thought you were on leave for your child's birth?
I came back to report that the mission was complete.
What mission?
I killed Castro.
You were told to enjoy your time with your family.
I was told, after the birth of my son, to "smoke a Cuban".

 

 

Looks like I've got the house all to myself. Now what?
Well, I have this banana. Wonder what will happen if I stick it up here.
Next week on HBO's "Bi-Curious George"...
MOM!

 

I got your message doc. Sounds like a need a colon cleanse.
Well, if that's what I said, then let's get to it!
24 hours earlier
Hey, it's Tony down here at "Auto Doctors". I think we found your problem. Looks like you need to get your tail pipe cleaned out.

 

So my friend Kathy said that her doctor billed her for two office visits because she asked too many questions in her one visit. Is that really a thing?
Sure is.
Do you do the same thing?
Sure do.
So how many questions am I allowed to ask before you charge me for a second office visit?
Sure looks likes we just entered your second office visit.

 

Doc! I borrowed the Delorean and traveled to 2015! I forgot that I had been there before and I saw myself!
Great Scott, Marty! Where did you see yourself?
At some political rally.
This could have all sorts of unintended consequences and change the course of history!
Mr. Trump? Are you sure you want to tweet that?
I honestly didn't think Michael J. Fox would be so shaken by my hoverboard gift.

 

I can't wait to see what I get at the office white elephant gift exchange!
You realize that it's just one person trading their junk for someone else's, right?
Oh yeah!
Why so excited?
I'm going to my fifth one of these things this year tomorrow, and I'm running out of shit to bring.

Showing page 20.

« Previous Next »