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Don't get your hopes up.

 

Wyoming Water Torture by ivytheplant 12-08-05
*drip * drip * drip * If the water's turned off, then why is the ceiling dripping? Because we thought Nebraska sucked worse.	*drip * drip * drip *	*drip * drip * drip * It still does. Yup.

 

Boorite's Apartment In Three Panels by ivytheplant 12-08-05
October	November	December

 

Anticipation by ivytheplant 12-11-05
It's exactly two weeks til Christmas. Yes, yes it is.	Is Santa going to wrap my presents in lead? Sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but...	You don't have X-Ray vision.

 

Slap Him For Me by ivytheplant 12-11-05
You're Superman in bed. Really? I thought I was Aquaman.	You're cranky with a beard and a metal hook hand? No.	I talk to fish.

 

Badgering by ivytheplant 12-13-05
*loading 4%*	This better be worth it. *loading 13%*	Three hours later... o/^ "Badger badger badger badger..." o/^

 

To Doody List by ivytheplant 12-19-05
The cats left us a present on the carpet. Must be time to clean the litter box. This is the first obnoxious thing they've done that you didn't say "good kitty."	We all have our limits. Does that include slapping on a pair of rubber gloves?	Nevermind...

 

Influence by ivytheplant 12-19-05
Hey look, an earthquake just happened. 6.2, State of Yap, Micronesia.		Boo? "Yap." Lewl.

 

Relationships by ivytheplant 12-20-05
TV Relationships *tits and explosions* *intellectual discussion*	Real Relationships *tits and explosions for science* *intellectual discussion*	Our Relationship *intellectual discussion* *tits and explosions*

 

Relationships Alternate by ivytheplant 12-20-05
TV Relationships *tits and explosions* *intellectual discussion*	Real Relationships *tits and explosions for science* *intellectual discussions for cock*	Our Relationship *tits and explosions* *tits and explosions*

 

IvyThePlant's Year In Reviewâ„¢ by ivytheplant 12-20-05
January - May *boredom punctuated by TV* I demand stuff.	May - August *abject depression and hoplessness* I just discovered a new way to make you miserable! Promotions for me!	September - December *Complete happiness and love* Let's watch people wipe out on dirtbikes.

 

Animated TV Disappointments by ivytheplant 12-20-05
I made the mistake of watching The Simpsons the other night. I was (foolishly) hoping to see some spark of creative genius. Unfortunately, the nonexistant plot centered around the theme "where haven't the Simpson family travelled?" only proved what I have suspected for years:	Matt Groening is dead. He's been dead for the past five years, which is why The Simpsons has been brought to us by many celebrities, products, and countries.	It's being run by a conglomeration of the corporations of the world. The only other explanation I can think of is not pleasant, but just as possible: He ran out of ideas in the mid 90's and sold out to feed his ever-increasing level of greed and the fans who stayed loyal to him are only feeding the flames of mediocrity.

 

Animated TV Disappointments 2 by ivytheplant 12-20-05
So this episode of The Simpsons that I (mistakenly) watched, had what has come to be the typical formula for the show. Through some random occurrence end up in another country or city. Insert 15 minutes of celebrity voices...	...and end with them back home going "gee golly willakers, that was fun! Looks like everything's back to normal!" This is why I stopped watching two years ago. The last episode I had seen was the Simpson family going to London for some dumb reason and somehow managed to meet celebrities the whole time. Tony Blair? Come on! Be more original!	Whatever happened to using a celebrity, politician, musician, or sports star's voice creatively? Why do they have to show up as themselves? That's not creative, funny, or cool at all. It's shitty writing.

 

Animated TV Disappointments 3 by ivytheplant 12-20-05
So the episode the other night, they were in Italy. The lead-in for why they were in Italy was so trite and ridiculous (and not just"haha this always happens to The Simpsons" ridiculous).. This was "wtf?" ridiculous. I could overlook that, but for some reason, they decided appropriate filler was Lisa screaming names of Italian cheeses for a while.	I felt my soul die when I saw a 20-minute cartoon that was so out of ideas, it needed filler. FILLER!	I used to love The Simpsons, but I couldn't even finish watching it. I had five minutes left and somehow I decided it was a better use of my time to clean out the litterbox. The LITTERBOX!

 

Animated TV Disappointments 4 by ivytheplant 12-20-05
One more thing about the episode. This actually grated on me as a stupid lame cheap shot that was actually beyond what The Simpsons (used to) stand for. In one scene, they had a book of American criminals and listed was a picture of Peter Griffin from Family Guy with the heading "plagarism."	Now, granted there hasn't been a completely original idea since the Romans took over, but come on. Family Guy never tried to be The Simpsons (who would want to anymore?)... And even if they did, it was probably to fill the gap left behind when The Simpsons started sucking cock. Also, in that book, they listed American Dad as a Family Guy plagarism.	Idiots. AD was made to replace FG when FG was cancelled. And you can't plagarize your own work. So whether or not it's plagarism in the first place, there's one thing for sure: Family Guy actually makes me laugh.

 

How To Make a Simpsons Episode by ivytheplant 12-20-05
Due to a wacky occurrence, the Simpson family goes to [insert country name here]. I did something wacky! Now we have to go to Tunisia!	Along the way, they meet [insert at least 3 celebrity, politician, musician, or sports star's names here]. Isn't that TV's Eric Estrada(TM)? No, that looks more like the lead singer of Nickelback(TM).	Now they're back home and had a wacky time in [insert country name here] meeting neat people that they'll forget about in the next episode when they go to [insert country name here]. I learned nothing. Now I'm going to do something wacky! I drink to kill the pain of being associated with this show.

 

IvyThePlant, Inc. Presents: Dumb Things I've Read Online by ivytheplant 12-23-05
"If they don't stop taking all the oil out of the earth as well as other countries setting off nuclear bombs under ground, the pace of Earth Quakes will carry on; the techtonic plates need that oil.."	"...to make it easier to glide centimeter by centimeter year in and year out. Take that away and you leave no lubricant and nice big holes the earth decides to fill up."	I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of earth science teachers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

 

The Rise of Man by ivytheplant 12-25-05
*click* "Erectus stands taller than his ancestors. About 5' 10" on average..."	*click* Welcome to the WWF!"	*click* "...He has smaller teeth and a bigger brain. And he's starting to use it." Wonder when that will happen.

 

Laramie Projected by ivytheplant 12-27-05
People in Laramie sure are friendly. Yep. I enjoy how laid-back everyone is here.	It sure is refreshing. Well, we make up for it by killing gay people.

 

FTC 80: The Curse of Susan Sarandon's Kids by ivytheplant 12-29-05
Ooooh yeah, baby... I 'm likin' what I'm seein' here... Oh God, oh God, this is hot! Ahh! Ahhh!!! Hey Joey, Mom said to HOLY CRAP JOEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?	Jesus! Uh, Sally, this isn't what it looks like! You're watching avi's of The O'Reilley Factor, you sick bastard!	Keep your mouth shut or I'm telling Mom where your stash of Ann Coulter books are. I hate you.

 

King Kong In 3 Panels by ivytheplant 12-30-05
Hour 1 Woohoo! Dinosaurs!	Hour 2 Yeah, okay, giant bugs. That was pointless.	Hour 3 So...when the hell are they going to get to New York?

 

Things I Never Thought I'd Say Til I Saw King Kong by ivytheplant 12-30-05
"Three T-Rexs is really a bit excessive."	"Yeah, okay, enough with the dinosaurs eating people already."	"Any chance we could cut the giant monsters and get some dialogue in here?"

 

King Kong: Pros by ivytheplant 12-30-05
Dinosaurs. I say. Roar. Indeed. Roar and all that.	Dinosaurs eating people. Mmmm...supporting characters... *gurgle*	Dinosaurs fighting giant gorillas in order to eat people. Move aside, filthy primate. Don't make me fling poo at you.

 

King Kong: Cons by ivytheplant 12-30-05
Three hours. I'm a nerd. I've always wanted you.	Unnecessary shots of the chick making eyes at the gorilla. You're so gentle and we humans are monsters. *flings poo*	Three hours! I'm going to go get myself eaten. I'm going to juggle!

 

Back To School 1 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
While turning in my application for admission... Ohhh, you need to go to Academic Advising to turn in that particular form. *sigh* Okay.	Academic Advising, with another secretary named "Barb" Okay, everything's taken care of, except you have to go get your advising file. You don't have it?	Don't be silly. Of course. This is a university. Common sense no longer applies.

 

Back To School 2 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
At the geology department... Oh, we don't have your advising files here. Talk to Sondra. !#$@%*&!	I lost it. !#$@%*&!	15 minutes later... Nevermind, I filed it under "students who disappear off the face of the planet." I live 7 blocks away.

 

Back To School 3 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
While paying my financial hold off at the cashier's office... Your balance is $150.57. What's that for?	A calculator you borrowed from the math department four years ago. I turned it back in three and a half years ago.	Do you have proof? I did. When I went through this nonsense three and a half years ago.

 

Back To School 4 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
By the way, you can't pay it off here anymore. It's been sent to collections. Talk to accounts receivable. @!@#%#$&*!	Accounts receivable (I swear all the secretaries look alike!)... You need to call the collection company and make payment. How long will it take to clear up?	About three weeks. Registration is on Monday...

 

Back To School 5 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
With the collection agency... I need to pay my balance the fastest way possible because registration is Monday. No problem, just Western Union it to us and it will be posted in 20 minutes. Then we'll call the school and have them take it off.	Later this afternoon... I'm just checking to see if my financial hold has been removed. Yup, looks like it was removed earlier today.	Whew! Thanks! By the way, you have a student loan hold on your account...

 

Back To School 6 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
Okay, so what do I have to do? You need to come down to financial operations and go through the exit interview.	I have to go through the exit interview, which is done when one leaves school, in order to come back to school? Yes.	Doesn't that sound dumb to you? I am a university professional. It makes perfect sense.

 

Back To School 7 by ivytheplant 1-04-06
Okay, so I do the exit interview and then the hold is removed? Not quite. Then you have to pay off your Perkins loan.	Excuse me? Just bring in cash or a cashier's check for $1,656.84 and we'll be happy to let you register so we can charge you another $1600 for tuition.	Later that day, at UW administration...

 

Back To School 8 by ivytheplant 1-05-06
There, you're all ready to go. That's it?	That's it. No surprises? Nothing else I have to do?	I said you're all set. Why don't you believe me? Let me show you a wonderful site where people make comics...

 

Back To School 9 by ivytheplant 1-05-06
Okay, time to register. [click add classes]	Okay, what the hell? Special permission to take college algebra? [U r teh dumbz0rz]	I've taken calculus before, you stupid piece of shit! [Omg pwned!]

 

Back To School 10 by ivytheplant 1-05-06
So I hear you have an objection to one of our university requirements? Yes, I don't think I need to take the physical education requirement.	According to your transcript, you haven't had the correct amount of PE credits. I've had about 16 hours of martial arts classes at my old college. I should be more than covered for UW's 3 hour requirement.	But none of those had a discussion segment so they don't count. So we should have discussed how we felt after kicking someone in the balls?

 

Back To School 11 by ivytheplant 1-05-06
I have to take freshman english again. They found out you spent too much time in chatrooms.	The instructor's name is C. Dull. Lewl.

 

Back To School 12: I Am NOT Making This Up

Checking my university email for the first time in a year... [You have 33,990 new messages] Hey look, all spam.

by ivytheplant, 1-06-06

 

First Day Of Classes by ivytheplant 1-09-06
We have our bikes now. We're all set to go to class! As long as it doesn't snow two feet ha ha.	WHUMP!	There's a lesson to be learned in all of this. I'm cancelling our picnic.

 

School Bureaucracies 1 by ivytheplant 1-09-06
I'd like to register for classes. I was born...uh...December 31, 1956? Nice try. Go to Student Health and get yourself immunized.	I know what this looks like...

 

School Bureaucracies 2

I'm just going to give you a little shot. This shouldn't hurt at all. Liar.

by ivytheplant, 1-09-06

 

School Bureaucracies 3 by ivytheplant 1-09-06
What happens if I don't get my immunizations? We take you out back and shoot you.	And you're blocked from registering for classes.	Fiends!

 

School Bureaucracies 4 by ivytheplant 1-09-06
I got my shots. Damn, now I can't point at you and yell "Mad dog! Mad dog!"		MAD DOG! MAD DOG!

 

True Tales of Ivy's Cats 17: Linguistics by ivytheplant 1-13-06
Meow. What do you want?	Meow! In English, please.	Me. Yow. Righto. Treats coming forthwith!

 

First Day of Classes by ivytheplant 1-13-06
Man, I'm so nervous. Last time I took this class, it was taught as a 4000-level course and really kicked my butt.	I hope I can get through it this time. I'll just have to make sure to study really hard and spend a lot more time on homework.	Does everybody know what "empirical" means? Suddenly, I have the urge to slack off.

 

School Bureaucracies 5 by ivytheplant 1-13-06
Oh Ivy, you have to go to Student Health. Um, can't I do that after class?	Sorry, no. Oh...did they say why?	Something about your immunization records. Suddenly I feel very very cold...

 

School Bureaucracies 6 by ivytheplant 1-13-06
We don't seem to have immunization records for you. Until you present those, you can't go to class. But I was a student here since 2001. You should have two copies of them.	Sorry, we can't find them. We'll keep looking, but until we do, you can't go to class. Go home and have fun. Hrm...	*happily moans* This is so much better than crummy ol' school!

 

Queer Ear by ivytheplant 1-13-06
Eddie Izzard isn't gay? Nope. He's a transvestite, but not gay.	He certainly sounds like a fag. That's because he's British.

 

True Tales of Ivy's Cats 18: Night Stalking by ivytheplant 1-13-06
RRRRRROOOOOOWWWWRRRR! What the hell is that? *sigh* Sounds like the cats are fighting. I'll go check.	What?	RREEEEYOWW! HISSSSSS! What are they doing? We're hallucinating. Go to bed. Don't ask questions.

 

Who Needs TV? by ivytheplant 1-14-06
*poke* Meeeeow.	*poke* Meeeeow.	Why do you keep doing that? It's just like pushing a button! *poke*

 

Snip by ivytheplant 1-15-06
http://img211.imageshack.us/my.php?image=128.jpg [type] That's the wrong way to castrate someone. [/type]	Should I be worried that you know the right way to castrate someone?	*grin* Uhoh...

 

IvyThePlant, Inc Presents: Things My Mom Didn't Want To Know by ivytheplant 1-16-06
While visiting my parents last November... Boorite seems like a nice man. Oh yeah, he's great. Sweet, wonderful, smart, funny...and the sex is excellent.		My day is not complete until I've disturbed you.

 

IvyThePlant, Inc. Presents: Classic Insults 1

by ivytheplant, 1-16-06

Showing page 25.

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