All comics by niteowl

Profile

 

by niteowl
7-26-05
Good evening!
Welcome to the show, we've got some songs and stories for you.
Don't worry, you won't end up smelling like a sewage tank when you leave.

 

by niteowl
7-29-05
Sending an email to various supervisors in the company...
"...your operators incorrectly returned material to inventory earlier today, and now inventory is off. This isn't the first time this has happened, and I'm tired of fixing these issues."
"Since the end of the month is this Sunday, Accounting will want the problem fixed by you and your operators by then. I hope you didn't have any plans for the weekend. Thanks, niteowl."
"Message sent on Thursday, July 28, 2005 at 4:29 pm."
Chew on that for the next 3 days. My weekend starts in approximately one minute.

 

Oh my God, where are we, Skipper?
How should I know Gilligan? You're the one who took that wrong turn at Hawaii when I was busy getting it on with the Professor.
by niteowl, 8-01-05

 

by niteowl
8-02-05
"This program has performed an illegal operation..."
"Loading Doppler Radar images... [hourglass icon]"
"Shoot 3 ducks and win a Playstsation 3!"
Hmm. It crashes constantly, takes forever to load, and is filled with ads. Now I see why it's called Weatherbug.

 

by niteowl
8-03-05
I finally gave in to peer pressure and bought a ribbon magnet to put on my car.
It's nice to see that you're in step with what's important today. Supporting the troops is a good thing.
I didn't buy a Support the Troops magnet...
Well, what does it say then?
"Support Your Local Ho".
Hey, trick bitches need love too.

 

by niteowl
8-03-05
I bought some more magnet ribbons for my car. I think I'm addicted to 'em.
You can never show enough support for those less fortunate than you.
That's true.
So what new ones did you get?
I bought a "Save the NHL" one, but it's kind of useless now that the lockout is over.
Too bad they don't have a "Save A Starving NHL Player" ribbon. That would sell like crazy, because those poor bastards are really down and out.

 

by niteowl
8-03-05
I now have 54 ribbons on my car.
54? Holy shit, that's impressive.
I've run out of room though.
Ok, 54 is a lot but it isn't going to fill up your entire car...
What I meant was, I'm using the ribbons to cover all the rust spots. That old beater looks like new again!
With all the money you spent on those ribbons, you could've had enough for a down payment on a brand new car.

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
"...the Flyers sign Peter Forsberg..."
"...the Mighty Ducks sign Scott Niedermayer..."
"...the Wild have re-signed television analyst Mike Greenlay..."

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
You know, sometimes I marvel at just how wonderful my life is. I have you, great friends and family, a good job, we're not up to our ears in debt...
We are truly blessed.
OH SHIT, THE TERRORISTS ARE COMING! SUICIDE BOMBERS! ANTHRAX! OH LORD HELP US, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!
What the hell is wrong with you? This is the 3rd time this week you've freaked out like that, talking about how the terrorists are coming to get us.
Why is everyone looking at us so strangely, with tears welling up in their eyes?
I'm never going on another walk with you again.

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
I'm sorry about my outburst before, dear. How about I make it up to you with the lights off?
Ooh!
*lick* *slurp*
Oh my...
*slurp slurp* *lick* AAAAAAAAGH! AL-QAIDA! BIN LADEN! SADDAM'S SCRAGGLY BEARD! HOLY SHIT, WE'RE ALL GONNA FUCKING DIE! AAAAAAAAGH!
THAT'S IT! I WANT A DIVORCE!

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
Good morning, Pete. How was your weekend?
Good Morning, John. Not too bad, how was yours?
Superb. The wife and I had a great time at the lake. Say Pete, you don't look so good...are you ok, man?
I just had a rough night last night and...OH NO! THEY'VE INVADED! THEY'RE COMING TO GET US! THEY'RE GONNA WIPE US ALL OUT!
Yeah, I'm ok. Where do you wanna go for lunch?

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
Jesus Christ, Pete. What the hell is wrong with you?
I don't know, man. For the last couple weeks, I've just been freaking out for no reason at all.
Pete, I think you need to go see a psychiatrist.
Oh come on, it ain't that bad.
Pete, everyone here in the office dove under their desks when you started screaming. Even the boss crapped his pants.
No need to get dramatic, John.

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
I just don't understand it, Doc. My life is great, but I get these panic attacks for no reason and I lose all control.
Hmm. Have you been sleeping well? Any stress at your job? How's your eating patterns been? Is your sex life ok?
Everything's good, no problems with everyday activities...DIRTY MUSLIMS! THEY'RE ALL KILLING MACHINES! WMDS! 9-11! PLEASE GOD SAVE US!
WE CAN'T STOP THEM! THEY'LL MURDER US ALL WITH THEIR DIRTY BOMBS AND KNAPSACKS!

 

by niteowl
8-04-05
Doc, what the hell...you just had the same type of outburst that I've been having!
That is correct, Pete. You see, we both suffer from terroritis, a condition brought on by a stream of news stories from right wing news columnists that suggest that we are going to be attacked again.
Wow. Is this condition rare?
No, not at all. In fact, over 100 million Americans have some form of it. The news media doesn't report it, because they want everyone to think it's normal to be scared shitless 24 hours a day.
You must've treated a lot people with this disease.
Yep, and I'm rich because of it. It's great having a million dollar mansion, but I have a bitch of a time sleeping at night, even with the guard dogs and rooftop snipers protecting my paranoid ass.

 

by niteowl
8-05-05
So is there a cure for terroritis?
Nope, and there probably won't be one. 9-11 changed everything and brought terrorism into the public eye here in America.
How soon people forget all the terrorist attacks before 9-11, like when 242 U.S. soldiers were killed by a truck bomb in Beirut in '83...
...or when Pan Am Flight 103 was blown up over Lockerbie in '88, or the first WTC bombing...damn, I could go on all day.
There were terrorist attacks BEFORE 9/11? Get outta here!

 

by niteowl
8-10-05
I can't wait for hockey season to start.
Not me. I can't stand hockey. It's the worst sport ever.
Why?
The lame ass celebrations after scoring. Players can't point at their crotch or slap their own ass with those big gloves on and a stick in their hands. Totally weak.

 

Bush says the new highway bill will spur the economy. He's right. I know I'll be drinking a lot more when I get home after sitting through traffic jams caused by massive road construction.
by niteowl, 8-10-05

 

by niteowl
8-12-05
Cemetaries are so quiet and peaceful late at night. There's no noise out here, no traffic, no people except us...
...yet, there's always that fear that at any second, a ghost from one of these plots will rise up and scare the living shit out of you.
Well enough of my ranting, should we dig this old bitch up and have our way with her?
I guess so, I mean that's why we're here, right?

 

Hey Lance, here's a tip: When riding with the Prez, stay at least 100 feet behind him. You'll need time to get out of the way when the inevitable crash and burn happens.
by niteowl, 8-16-05

 

by niteowl
8-17-05
A local car dealer was indicted today on 2 counts of public indecency.
He was caught on the dealership's security cameras at around 10pm last Monday fellating a customer in the parking lot.
What's worse, he didn't even make the sale. Poor bastard.

 

Dim MyPenis As Long
AppActivate "Bullshit Detector 2.0"
by niteowl, 8-18-05

 

*BOING*
This is the first time that I've been happy after being poked in the eye.
by niteowl, 8-18-05

 

by niteowl
8-19-05
Interesting news out of Hollywood today. A certain celebrity found themself in a bit of a pickle.
I'm sure you've all heard about it, but now we're going to find out what you think about it. Stew Stewman asks the man on the street. Stew?
Hey kid, could you help remove this pickle from my ass?
Only if I get to film you eating it afterwards for my website.

 

by niteowl
8-26-05
I'm bored, Dad.
You should go read a book, son. Books stimulate your imagination and teach valuable life lessons.
Remember what happened last time I read a book?
Yes, and you really worked that imagination of yours!
Dad, I shot 15 people.
But you learned a valuable lesson about gun control, didn't you?

 

by niteowl
8-27-05
Hello. I'm Anthony, new VP of Operations. I called this short meeting with you all so you can get a sense of what I expect from you as slaves...uh, employees...and get feedback.
First, I'd like to comment on what I've seen around the plant. It seems that a lot of you wander around all day, not really accomplishing anything. Yes, you have a question?
Not a question. I'd just like to say that although it may seem like we don't do anything worthwhile around here, we are in training.
In training for what?
Upper management positions.

 

by niteowl
8-27-05
I've had conversations with people on why things don't get done around here and it almost always comes back to this: "I'm waiting for a job to run."
That is an excuse, and I hate excuses. You are expected to jump in and help get the ball rolling if you're waiting around for work. Help out the coordinators and schedulers.
So in other words, in addition to doing our OWN jobs, we're expected to do other people's jobs for them, since they are too lazy and incompetent to do it themselves?
Yeah, more or less.
Oof, my asshole just puckered up tighter than a snare drum over that answer.

 

by niteowl
8-27-05
I've also noticed that you people have been abusing the break policy for far too long. Taking breaks longer than 10 minutes, outside smoking cigarettes when you're not punched out...
Not punching out for lunch, taking lunches longer than 30 minutes...that will stop. Effective immediately, breaks will be strictly monitored. Are we all clear on that?
Yes.
Good.
So when are we gonna be fitted for our shackles and orange jumpsuits?

 

by niteowl
8-27-05
That new VP sure thinks he's gonna make this place run like a top.
He's just like every other new boss that's ever came through here, a million great ideas right off the bat to try and impress everyone with. I'm not fooled.
Do you think he'll last?
No way. I predict he'll be gone by the end of October.
You really think he'll quit that soon?
What do you mean, "quit"?

 

by niteowl
8-28-05
Hi, I'm Jim. Do you have any STDs? Excess emotional baggage? Kids? A husband? A boyfriend? A lesbian lover? Shaved or neatly trimmed?
Hello there, I'm Lisa. Do you have a drinking problem? Difficulty expressing your feelings? Large penis? Larger bank account? Anger issues?
Wait, what were your questions again?
I don't know. What were yours?
Shit, I forgot. Let's just fuck now and sort out the details later.
Sounds like every other relationship I've ever had.

 

by niteowl
9-04-05
A-A-ACHOO!
Gas prices hit record highs again, OPEC blames President Bush's sneezing fit for the run up.

 

by niteowl
9-09-05
God, I read somewhere that you sent to Hurricane Katrina to New Orleans to stop that Southern Decadence thing. Is that true? Do you really hate gay people?
Susie, I am all powerful. If I really hated gay people and wanted to rid the city and the world of 'em, don't you think I would've done it already?
I guess so. But these preachers keep saying that the world is full of sin and all that...
...so why don't you do something about it then?
Well, what else would they have to preach about?

 

A new survey shows that the easiest job in the US is being President Bush's speech writer. Write one speech for him, then take the next 4 or 5 years off.
by niteowl, 9-09-05

 

stripcreator.com/comics/HCRoyall/309680
Meanwhile, I could scratch HCRoyall's nuts for him and not have a damn thing happen to me. Excluding that offer for a second date, of course.
by niteowl, 9-09-05

 

by niteowl
9-09-05
Ae you planning anything special for 9/11?
I'm going to rent a war video game from Blockbuster. Kill some terrorists, y'know.
You better make sure you get the job done. You'll be a sad excuse for an American if you don't conquer those purveyors of evil.
Don't worry. I got cheat codes, bitch.

 

by niteowl
9-17-05
I see you bought a pack of baseball cards...so who did you get?
Rafael Palmeiro, Juan Rincon, Barry Bonds...
Awesome! You got a set of 'roid wranglers!
They don't use steroids! It's all lies perpetrated by obviously jealous and biased media outlets!
HAHAHA! You're in denial! You love steroid users! NA-NA-NA!
Fuck this. I'm gonna get my autographed Jose Canseco bat and bash your head in.

 

by niteowl
9-17-05
Did you get a Johan Santana bobblehead at the game yesterday? How long did you have to wait line for it?
Yep. It's awesome, dude. Only had to wait about 10 minutes...
How's that? I saw on TV that people were waiting in line at the Dome for one at like 9am yesterday.
I whacked an old lady and stole hers. I almost didn't get away with it though, since she tried suffocating me with her Homer Hanky.
Dude, that was my grandma. She's in the hospital.
Shit, I feel bad now. Tell her that I'll give her half of what I make on the eBay auction.

 

Go Go Godzilla!
by niteowl, 9-17-05

 

by niteowl
9-17-05
Bitch betta' have my money, or I'm finna pop a cap in her ass.
Hi! It appears that you need help recovering some lost funds from a person of the female persuasion. Might I suggest a wire tap or something else non-violent?
It was then i knew i needed help

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
Pop, why are we back on earth again? We needed to stay away a lot longer than 8 months. The cops are gonna be looking for us.
Don't worry son, we'll be fine.
So why are we coming back?
I need to talk to the people of the United States about Hurricane Katrina. There have been a lot of rumors going around about my role in it.
Please tell me we're gonna still try and score some chicks while we're down here though, otherwise I'm gonna be bored silly.
Life is not a constant concert tour, son.

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
We've been walking for two hours now and you still haven't told me where we're going.
We're heading to an interview on a street corner with a TV reporter to clear the air about Katrina.
Why walk though? We can just magically appear there. We have that power, you know.
You need the exercise, kid.

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
How long is this gonna take, Pop?
It's gonna be a while, son. I know you want to go hook up with your rap buddies, so go ahead. Just try not to get in trouble, ok?
If memory serves, you're the one who got busted for drugs and solicitation last time we were down here. I only said some dirty words on MTV.
Yeah, and look at where your career went. You got banned from MTV for life, which means no exposure, which means your last album tanked.
At least I wasn't hawking self-help books on late night TV like you were. Now that's what I call scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Mock me all you want, you lil' brat. My escapade into the land of infomercials got me hooked up with Suzanne Somers, now didn't it?

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
Hi God, I'm Phil McCracken. We'll be going on air in about 5 minutes, so let's review the topic at hand, shall we?
Ok.
Hurricane Katrina, that's what we'll be talking about, right?
Right.
Good deal. If you'll excuse me, I have a dishwater blonde in my trailer that needs servicing. See you in a few.
Ok.

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
Good evening, this Channel 3 news. I'm Steve McQueen.
Tonight, our own Phil McCracken will be interviewing God, who, along with that misfit son of his, has returned to Earth to give us the 4-1-1 on Hurricane Katrina.
Hopefully Phil will be sober enough to keep it together during this interview, since it is being broadcast all over the world. No pressure, Phil!

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
Thank you, Steve. Ok God, level with us. Did you really send Hurricane Katrina to Nawlins to kill the fags?
Nah.
Then why did you do it?
I didn't do it...
"...Mother Nature did."
You dirty little rat bastard!

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
What a shocking development here as God has just revealed to me that it was Mother Nature who caused Hurricane Katrina! Back to you in the studio, Steve!
Thank you, Phil. We now have Mother Nature on the line, who has called in to give her side of the story. Mother, are you there?
YEAH I'M HERE, FUCKFACE!
What do you think about God's revelation that you did the dirty deeds in the deep south of the USA?
I'M SHAKING WITH ANGER!

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
So you deny that you had anything to do with Hurricane Katrina, Mother Nature?
Listen, I didn't do it! That punk has been blaming every instance of bad weather on me for years!
Anything else you'd like to say, Mother?
I have just one thing to say to God...
Cane. Cornhole. Your ass.

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
What a disaster. I should've just kept my mouth shut. That old hag is gonna come looking for me, I just know it.
Oh, uh, hi Mother.
Don't hi Mother me, you fuckstain! You're dead meat! HIIIIIIYA!

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
Breaking News from the sidewalk outside our studio, where Phil McCracken is witnessing a surreal fight between God and Mother Nature! Phil, take it away!
This is incredible, Steve. Mother Nature vowed revenge on God, and she is certainly doing that right now. God is getting his ass whooped.
NOOO! NOT THE CANE!
Hey, does my hair look ok?
OW! A SPLINTER!

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
What's this? I can't believe it! Jesus has arrived to break up the fight!
HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY! ALAKAZAM!
Great job on sending them back to Heaven, kid. Praise Jesus, indeed.
Indeed.

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
Amist all the unrest outside our studios, we have more breaking news as Hurricane Rita made landfall about 1 hour ago. Phil, talk to Jesus about it!
Thank you Steve. Jesus, if God and Mother Nature were fighting during the period of time that Rita hit land, then who is to blame for it now?
I think it was...
"...the Bad Luck Fairy."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Showing page 25.

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