All comics by biped

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by biped
10-20-05
ME HAVE SEX WITH MONSTER BUTT A HUNDRED TIMES AND HAVE MONSTER BUTT, JR.!!! IT AM GOOD!!! YOU SHUT UP!!!
Let's just...m-move along...
Well, nice to have you back, Nurse Bigguns. Did you have an eventful --
NO!!!
MOMMY!!! ME HATE MONSTER BUTT NOW!!! SO ME COOKED MONSTER BUTT, JR. FOR DINNER!!! ME SAVE YOU THE LIVER!!!
OH, MY GOD!!!

 

by biped
10-21-05
Oh, and I'd just like to remind everyone once again -- please refrain from acting like a horse during the filmed presentation.
NEEEEIGHH!!! WHINNYYY!!! REEEE-HEE-HEE-HEEEEE!!!PBRBRBRBR!!!

 

by biped
10-21-05
Well, I hope you all enjoyed my one-man --
ME LOVE YOU, ABE VIGODA!!!
Please stop following me...
WHO AM YOUR ENEMIES!!! ME KILL THEM!!!
Look, I have to go real bad...
ME HELP YOU!!! ME AM A REGISTERED NURSE!!!

 

by biped
10-21-05
"And now back to...FISH"
YAAAAAY!!! ME HAVEN'T SEEN THIS EPISODE!!!
You...you're still here?
ME PLAY HOUSE WITH YOU!!! ME BE MOMMY FISH AND YOU BE DADDY FISH!!!
Welcome to my one-man show. I'm Abe Vigoda --
-- AND ME AM NURSE BIGGUNS!!! IF YOU NOT LIKE THIS SHOW, ME KILL YOU!!!

 

by biped
10-21-05
And...and now we'll watch some filmed highlights from my various television --
YOU SHUT UP WHILE MOVIE AM ON!!! SHUT UP!!! OR ME KILL!!!
(psst) Let's go, dear...this is getting a little bor --
YAAAAAAAAAA!!! ME HAVE TO KILL YOU NOW!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!
HEY!!! YOU NO RUN AWAY FROM ABE VIGODA SHOW!!! ME KILL EVERYBODY WHO RUN!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!

 

by biped
10-21-05
Horrific violence marred what should've been a gala occasion, as Abe Vigoda's one-man show erupted into a bloody bloodbath of blood.
HI, MOMMY!!! ME AM ON TV!!!
I...I can't STAND this anymore! Get away from me! Get away...and STAY AWAY!
HEY!!! YOU AM NOT NICE, ABE VIGODA!!! ME HATE YOU NOW!!! GRRRRRRRRR!!!
LOOK, MOMMY!!! ME SKIN ABE VIGODA ALIVE AND MAKE COSTUME FOR HALLOWEEN!!! WHAT AM FOR DINNER!!!
(gag)...chicken spaghetti...

 

by biped
10-22-05
Does my bunny suit make me look dapper?
No, it makes you look like a big, fat, fucking idiot.
A big, fat, fucking DAPPER idiot, you mean!
FLESH BEGONE!!!
YAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
10-22-05
Okay boys, get your lazy good-for-nothing asses out on that field and practice. At this rate, we'll never stand a chance against those Yankees.
Whatta ya expect, Boilermaker? All we got on this cruddy team is a buncha jews, spics, niggers, pansies -- and a booger-eatin' moron.
C'mon, Amanda... the team needs you. I need you. Let's see that fastball I taught you!
NO! I can't be playin' no dumb baseball! I'm almost thirteen, and I -- I'll be getting a BRA soon.
HEY, YANKEES! You can take your apology -- AND your trophy -- and SHOVE 'EM STRAIGHT UP YOUR ASS!
And another thing -- just wait'll NEXT year!

 

by biped
10-22-05
'Ey Paul...who's that little old man, then?
Wot little old man? Oh, that's me grandfather. He's very clean.
Turn left at Greenland.
We're just good friends.
SHE LOVES YOU, YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!
IT'S BEEN A HAARD DAAY'S NIGHT!

 

by biped
10-22-05
My name's Shane. I'm a mysterious gunfighter who wants to settle down and go straight. My, your wife sure looks nice. I mean, those biscuits.
I'm Joe Starrett, a farmer who's getting forced off my land by a mean old cattle rancher. 'Course, I wouldn't ask you to kill him and all of his men for me. Nope.
So, you're Wilson. I heard about you. Yep -- I heard you were a low-down... Yankee...liar.
Prove it, Shane.
Well, Riker and Wilson and all the bad guys are dead, and it's time for me to go away. Bye, Little Joe.
BUT SHAAANE! PA'S GOT THINGS FOR YOU TO DO! AND MOTHER WANTS YOU WANTS YOU WANTS YOU! I KNOW SHE DOES SHE DOES SHE DOES!

 

by biped
10-22-05
Well, then...where's the take-over-the-world button?
That? Why, it's quite likely that I et it.
Oh? I say, that's deucedly inconvenient.
Well, in fact, I do believe I et all the buttons. Bit peckish, you see.
Raw-tha. So, what do we do now? Crash?
Or, drift out into deep space. Or explode. Frightfully sorry, old bean.

 

by biped
10-22-05
Well, I've replaced all the missing buttons with jam botties and jelly babies. Taking over the world in TEN...NINE...EIGHT...
Oh, this is jolly exciting!
FOUR... THREE...TWO...
TALLY-HO!
YAAAAAAAAAA!!!
YAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
10-22-05
We must now announce to the media that we have taken over the world.
OH! I'll write a letter to my favorite gardening magazine!
Mmm...well, I was thinking of something a bit more extensive --
I LIKE TO MASTURBATE TO THE CENTERFOLD!

 

by biped
10-23-05
My first demand will be a bevy of winsome maidens to wait upon me hand and foot.
My first demand will be all Robert Blake, all the time! On every channel!
"Crikey! It'll be smashing..."
"You've been watching 'Money Train.' Now stay tuned for the 'Baretta' marathon, followed by 'Our Gang'."
Yay! All "Mickey" episodes!
Robert Blake?
He's my "fantasy dad."

 

by biped
10-23-05
And then, I shall set about having a few sexual fantasies fulfilled.
Oh, capital! I'll have my stamens stimulated by street urchins!
Yes (ahem)...and I shall compel a winsome young maiden --
I WANT BEA ARTHUR TO SHOVE A CATTLE PROD UP MY POOP-CHUTE AND DO THE CHICKEN DANCE NAKED WHILE I EAT PICKLES!!!
Okay, I don't have a "poop-chute"........ YET.

 

by biped
10-23-05
I AM THE CREATURE WHO CAN'T HEAR THE WORD "DON'T"! IF YOU SAY "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" I CAN ONLY HEAR "I WANT TO DIE!"
NO!!! I DON'T -- UH, I WANT TO -- I MEAN, I DON'T NOT WANT TO DIE!!! I WANT NOT DON'T TO DIE!!!
WELL, THAT SOUNDED PRETTY CLOSE TO "I WANT TO DIE!" TO ME!
NOOO!!!!! AAAK --
Tin-plated, coal-burning DAMN! We seem to be trapped inside a giant, smelly asshole.
I say! I wonder who's asshole it is? Not that it matters terribly, of course.

 

by biped
10-23-05
ABE VIGODA! What are YOU doing here under the sea?
Why, I'm here to visit YOU, little crab!
LA-LA-LA! Abe Vigoda's here! I'm so happy when he's near! LA-LA-LA! I got my wish! A visit from the star of "Fish"!
Why...did you have to mention...that BOMB? Ugh...I hate you now.

 

by biped
10-23-05
GRRR...I...KILL you...Spock...
No, Captain. You are not supposed to kill a fellow Starfleet officer.
OH...then...I...STUN you...with...with...
Wrong hand, Captain. The phaser is in your OTHER hand. But you are not supposed to stun me, either.
Well, then...I...I...call you on...talky box and...talk to you...
I'm right here, Captain. And, just as I suspected... this atmosphere is 87% nitrous oxide.

 

by biped
10-23-05
Ensign...Benson... kill...Spock... KILL...SPOCK...
AYE...AYE... CAPTAIN...
KILL...SPOCK... KILL! SPOCK!
All right, now this is just totally illogi --
Oh...you are SO on report.

 

by biped
10-23-05
Well, I killed Mr. Spock, just like you ordered, sir!
WHAT...THE FUCK...OVER? Guards, put...this man...in the brig...
Spock...was my friend... and now he's dead...my friend...is dead...DEAD...
ME IN LOVE WITH SPOCK!!! GRRRR!!! ME KILL STUPID ENSIGN BENSON REAL BAD!!!
Nurse Chapel! Omigod, HELP me! I -- I don't remember anything that I'm supposed to have --
HELP YOU!!! ME AM GOING TO RIP YOUR FUCKEN BALLS OFF, YOU TURD BASTARD!!!

 

by biped
10-23-05
Captain! I'm picking up a new lifeform reading on the planet!
Wha...could it be? COULD...IT...BE...?
Hello, Captain. I seem to have regenerated into a baby crab.
Spock! SPOCK! I'm...so...HAPPY!
ME TAKE CARE OF YOU UNTIL YOU AM NORMAL AGAIN, BABY CRAB SPOCK!!!
Well then, whip out those milkbags, Mommy.

 

by biped
10-23-05
MRS. FROBUSHER! SHOW US HOW NEW ALL-TEMPERATURE "BLAM!" WHITENS YOUR TOUGHEST LAUNDRY CHALLENGE!
I just murdered my entire family.
YOU -- err -- THAT'S GREAT! DID IT CREATE A TOUGH LAUNDRY CHALLENGE FOR NEW ALL-TEMPERATURE "BLAM!"?
Oh no, I was naked when I axe-murdered them and then dismembered them with a chainsaw. I just took a shower.
CUT! Okay, fine -- while we're set up, let's do that deodorant bath soap commercial!

 

by biped
10-24-05
Oh, BOTHER! I locked my keys in my car again!
He makes me hungry. I want to eat him.
Miss -- did you call for help with a locked car?
No, that was the giant, talking bacon man that I just ate.
You gestate?
No, I am not Jess Tate.

 

by biped
10-24-05
That's right, buddy. I'm k.d. laing.
ORGASM!!!
Wha -- huh? Why'd you say that?
Say what?
"ORGASM!!!"
I'll never forget this moment.

 

by biped
10-24-05
Well, I managed to remove that pesky wart. Unfortunately, your wife died from -- err -- "complications."
Then I demand you replace her with YOUR wife!
OKAY, MAILMAN BOB!!! ME AM READY TO GO HOME WITH YOU NOW!!!
Fine, fine. Oh, and doctor -- I WON'T be expecting a bill.
Next day...
Well? How'd it work out?
ME HAD TO DISMEMBER HIM WITH A CHAINSAW AND FEED THE PIECES TO THE SINK MONSTER!!!

 

by biped
10-26-05
Sheesh, some days you just can't hitch a freakin' ride.

 

by biped
10-26-05
I'm Super Clown, the funniest clown in the world! Beep-beep! La la la! Wheeee!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
He was a wonderful boy. We are all saddened by this tragic loss.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

 

by biped
10-27-05
FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO, OUR FOREFATHERS BROUGHT FORTH UPON THIS CONTINENT A --
You are not Abe Lincoln.
I...are...I are not... Abe Lincoln. I are not Abe Lincoln. I are not Abe Lincoln. I are not Abe Lincoln.
I are not Abe Lincoln. I are not Abe Lincoln. I are not Abe Lincoln. I are not Abe Lincoln.
Brad, please... you're scaring me.

 

by biped
10-27-05
Hi, I'm David Blaine. If I turn into Dennis Franz in a bunny costume, will you have sex with me?
Well...let's have a look at him...
Somehow... I think not...

 

by biped
10-28-05
I love my new Game Boy! I'm playing Super Donkey Kong, Spock! What are you playing?
Captain, this planet is extremely unstable. Geo-thermal readings indicate an imminent --
DONKEY KONG DOO-DOO LEVEL!!! I CAN NOW MAKE DONKEY KONG DOO-DOO ON MARIO!!! COOOOOOOL!!!
Captain, we must beam up to the ship NOW! Or else the volatile nature of this planet's --
SPOCK... Donkey Kong is doo-dooing on Mario right now. PLEASE stop trying to ruin this for me. I could win some extra DOO-DOO!
Captain, what in the world is "doo-doo"?

 

by biped
10-28-05
Don't they have doo-doo on Vulcan, Spock? Or maybe Vulcans don't HAVE to doo-doo --
SPOCK TO ENTERPRISE! EMERGENCY! TWO TO BEAM UP -- NOW!
Well Spock, I hope you're happy. I just lost ALL of Donkey Kong's extra doo-doo.
Captain, the planet we were on is imploding. I just saved both our lives --
FIND ME THOSE CHEAT CODES, YOU VULCAN BASTARD! GET ME BACK TO THAT EXTRA DOO-DOO LEVEL OR I'LL HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED!
Oh, very well, you dumbshit. (sigh) My father was right... Starfleet is no place for a logical Vulcan. Here... here's your extra "doo-doo."

 

by biped
10-28-05
HAPPY KIRK! HAPPY KIRK! GO, DONKEY KONG, GO! FRRT-FRRT-FRRT!
Captain, I -- YAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Clean-up detail to the bridge! Another red-shirted security guard just spontaneously combusted!
Captain, the ship is being pulled into the self-destructing planet's atmosphere, and --
HEY! My batteries just went dead! Kong! KOOOOOOONG!!!

 

by biped
10-28-05
Captain, the ship is doomed. I'm ordering the crew into the escape pods --
NO, Spock! Everything will work out okay at the last minute! It always --
-- does --
Well, Captain -- it appears as though the series has been cancelled. What do we do now?
Picture yourself...in a boat...on a river... with...tangerine trees...and MMMMARMALADE skies...!

 

So, what are you dressing up as this year?
Shit, I don't know. Clown, maybe.
by biped, 10-31-05

 

by biped
10-31-05
Me Donnie! Me trick-or-treating, ha-ha! TRICK OR TREAT!
What the fuck...there AIN'T no candy no more, DUMBFUCK!
WAAA-HAAA!!! ME WANT TO TO GO HOME!!! SOB!!!
This shithole IS your home now, shit-fer-brains! Tell ya what -- how 'bout a nice DEAD RAT fer Halloween?
(whimper) Me want c-candy...
Well, drop them drawers 'n' bend over, and old Gus'll give ya a nice, big SLO-POKE!

 

by biped
10-31-05
TRICK OR TREAT, MRS. WILSON!!! I'LL BET YOU CAN'T GUESS WHO I AM!!! CAN YOU!!! WITH THIS COOL COSTUME ON!!! HA-HAAA!!!
NO, I CAN'T!!! FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT THE REAL ABE VIGODA WAS STANDING THERE!!! WAIT!!! I'LL GET THE POPCORN BALLS!!!
YAY!!! YOU MAKE THE BEST POPCORN BALLS IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, MRS. WILSON!!! I COULD EAT THEM TILL I BLOW UP!!!
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE NOW!!! ONLY ONE LITTLE BOY I KNOW LOVES MY POPCORN BALLS THAT MUCH!!! RIGHT, JOEY!!!
HA-HA!!! YOU GUESSED RIGHT, MRS. WILSON!!! BOY OH BOY!!! THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN EVER!!!
WELL, HERE COMES THE AMBULANCE, JOEY!!! I'M AFRAID MR. WILSON JUST HAD A MASSIVE CORONARY!!!

 

by biped
11-01-05
NOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
11-01-05
MAKE WAY OR DIE! MAKE WAY OR DIE!
That old guy's not moving fast enough. Chop 'im up, Jimbo.
You know, this is the 10th anniversay of me walking ahead of you and chopping up anyone who gets in your way...
Yes, I know that. And no, I didn't buy you a gift.
Make way or die... make way or die...
MORE FEELING!

 

by biped
11-01-05
Chopping down trees is fun! YIPPEE! This is my tenth anniversary of being a lumberjack!
Bill thinks he's chopping down trees, but he's actually chopping people up.
I'm drenched with maple syrup, Ted! Would you like to rub your pancakes on me?
No thanks, Bill...I'll just eat mine plain today.
Suit yourself...HEY YOU TREES! COME BACK HERE!
Let's go to the old folks' home, Bill. The trees don't run as fast there.

 

by biped
11-02-05
BOBBY CASH-COW ULTRA SUPER CRAB!!! MOMMY!!!
Slow down, dear -- that just went way over my head.
UHH -- ME HUNGRY!!!
Oh. Well, I thought we'd go to a nice restaurant for dinner tonight.
LOOK, MOMMY!!! ME MADE US BE HERE ALREADY!!! BY MAGIC!!!
You...you can do magic now, dear? That's...nice... (shudder)

 

by biped
11-02-05
GRRRRRRRRRR!!! ME WANTED ULTRA SUPER CRAB, STUPID WAITER!!! THIS AM REGULAR CRAB!!! ME USE MAGIC TO COOK YOU!!!
But I -- YAAAAAAAAAA!!!
ME KILL BAD WAITER WHILE YOU GO POTTY, MOMMY!!! HIM WILL NEVER BRING ANYBODY STUPID WRONG CRAB AGAIN!!!
Oh, my...where... where did you get these magic powers, sweetie?
FROM BOBBY CASH-COW INFOMERCIAL ON TV, MOMMY!!! ME USE FUNNY PLASTIC CRACKER TO ORDER ENTIRE SERIES OF DVDS!!!
"Funny plastic cracker"? My...my credit card?

 

by biped
11-02-05
HI, BOBBY CASH-COW!!! ME AM NURSE BIGGUNS!!! ME USE MAGIC THAT ME LEARNED FROM YOUR DVDS TO COME VISIT YOU!!!
Magic? But...it's a real-estate training course...
LOOK!!! ME MAKE US BE WAY UP HIGH IN THE SKY!!! IT AM PRETTY UP HERE!!! HUH, BOBBY CASH-COW!!!
YAAAAAAAAA!!!
BOBBY CASH-COW AM DEAD, MOMMY!!! HIM COULDN'T FLY AND CRASHED INTO A POTTY FACTORY!!! CAN ME HAVE A PUPPY!!!
We'll...we'll see, dear...

 

by biped
11-02-05
WHEEEE!!! ME TURN PUPPY INTO GIANT ROBOT MONSTER!!!
Woof, w -- RAAAAAAAR!!!
KILL EVERYBODY, ROBOT MONSTER!!! JUST LIKE IN THE FUNNY MONSTER MOVIES THAT ME LIKES TO WATCH!!! YAAAAAAAY!!!
KILL!!! KILL!!! RAAAAAAAR!!!
ME FORGOT HOW TO DO MAGIC!!! WILL YOU MAKE US BE AT THE ULTRA SUPER CRAB PLACE AGAIN PLEASE!!! MOMMY!!!
Well...I'm afraid we'll have to go to a different one this time, dear...

 

by biped
11-02-05
THIS AM WORST CRAB ME EVER ATE!!! BRING ME ULTRA SUPER CRAB OR ME KILL YOU WITH ME'S BARE HANDS!!!
But...this is just a humble "Mom and Pop" diner...we... we don't have --
ME HAD TO KILL EVERYBODY IN STUPID MOM AND POP DINER, MOMMY!!! THEM HAD BAD YUCKY CRABS!!!
I...I know, dear... let's just try to put it behind us...
NO NO, BAD DOGGY!!! YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN PEOPLE BED WITH ME!!! YOU HAVE TO SLEEP IN DOGGY BED WITH WOOFY!!!
RAAAAAAAR!!!

 

by biped
11-04-05
Tony, there's a gent from the newspaper to see you.
Oh, bother. Another interview, and me all set to take Mr. Chips for walkies.
I say, they must be hiring you journalist chaps right out of grammar school these days.
Duh, I'm the paperboy. You owe me ten bucks -- DUMBASS.
And now, Prime Minister Blair will speak about economic conditions in Great Britain.
But first, a word for my paperboy. "Dumbass" YOURSELF.

 

"Tom...can you get me off the hook? For old times' sake?" "Sorry, Sally...can't do it."
That's it. I'm going home.
by biped, 11-06-05

 

That's it. I'm going home.
by biped, 11-06-05

 

Hell_Bent_Cheez, I don't think you realized that OPC stands for ONE PANEL Contest.
That's it. I'm going home.
by biped, 11-08-05

 

by biped
11-10-05
Hello, Poke Salad Annie?
Gator gotcher granny.
This is not a "toy", Captain.

 

by biped
11-10-05
(Stupid Spock...) Hello, Scotty? Are your warp engines running? They are?
Well, you'd better go catch them before they get away!
He's dead, Jim.

Showing page 26.

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