All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
11-25-16
So they say CNN accidently broadcast 30 minutes of PORN last night.
Ah.
It could be a CNN employee screwing around and looking at stuff on the wrong monitor at work. NEVER a good idea.
Yep.
Or it could be yet another protest tactic about being back, by a self confessed GEEK who misses dimension hopping.
Tree. Nipples. They make you crazy. Make you...do things.

 

by Ranger77
11-25-16
This fake news, protest anger thing is getting to you. Step back. Just breathe a bit.
Yeah. It's for fun now. Can you imagine if we started doing this for money?
That would be kinda evil.
Yeah, I guess it would.
Agreed. We say the new Pokemon Go/Call of Duty mobile app is being delayed because a developer quit to protest it's Windows phone only release.
The GoFundMe I set up for him has $5000, so far....

 

by Ranger77
11-26-16
Guys...something isn't right.
You mean how this doesn't feel like the old Ranger's World and it's all a nefarious plot.
Perhaps the real characters are still on hiatus and we're just standing in for them.
He'll be stuck on that for a while.
I tried to turn into a squirrel again. Just not feeling it.

 

by Ranger77
12-02-16
In the previous run of this comic, we were portrayed as opportunistic con men using religion to get women and accumulate wealth.
It was wrong and culturally insensitive. Our time in alternate dimensions really made us rebalance our sprituality and consider what is important in life.
So we changed. We observed. We meditated. We became whole.
AND we became better...HUMANS. We brought that humanity with us as we traversed realities.
And then we got booted out and ended back in this shithole. We both now have a case of the ass. Congrats. We're back.
Time to make that paper. Where my HOOCHIES at??

 

by Ranger77
12-09-16
I don't think we should leave our orbital base unprotected, Toro.
Don't worry about it. Who could actually get in here? We have no real enemies. We need a break.
I don't know....this world we came back to is so...strange.
PowerGrrl...despite all the silly stuff out there you have to trust people. We need a vacation. Who could possibly threaten this place?
My grandson read on Facebook that these "heroes" want to euthanize everyone over the age of 60. Time to take those bitches out!
I just wish that INFOWARS website would send me that penis extender and herbal viagra I ordered. I'd like to get me a little before I start fiddlin' with superheroes....

 

by Ranger77
12-10-16
Are you sure this thing is safe?
Hush. We gotta mission to do. I'll follow you up as soon as I can find another rocket.
I don't know...all this "fake news" stuff....are you SURE those superheroes want to kill old people?
"Fake News." Bah. That's the Mainstream Media talking. This is a NEW day. Trump is HERE. Freedom is slavery. War is peace. Ignorance is strength!
Uh...ok. I'm also wonderin ' why this thing has 'TNT' on the outside and why all the controls in here are in Russian?
Maybe if you stop whinin' like a Hillary bitch I'll let you grab something when you get back....

 

by Ranger77
12-10-16
Melba, I gotta ask...where did you find this thing?
Internet.
Both you and me use flip phones and watch network TV. I didn't even know you were on the Internet.
I'm not. Ignorance is Strength!
Ok, I'm fucking scared, now.
Relax. We'll take out those pervert pizza parlors and all them fancy pants game developers next....

 

by Ranger77
12-14-16
So, Melba, Herbert is on his way in a Russian surplus rocket to an orbital defense platform.
He's doing God's work. Those folks need to be taught a lesson.
Do you really believe that this stuff about superheroes killing old people.
It's probably not true. I want it to be true to make me angry and support my views so, it must be true. What is truth anyway...?
Your logic is very hard to follow.
Herbert was an asshole. There. Can you follow that?

 

by Ranger77
12-16-16
I made it! By golly I made it!! I can do anything, I can make a difference! I CAN save old people! I can truly make America great agai....
I done messed up, haven't I?
I believe the proper phrase you should use is that "you 'done' FUCKED up," but that's a purely stylistic critique.

 

by Ranger77
12-16-16
Y'know I heard there were these three "laws about robots" where you guys couldn't hurt people like me.
That's true. As robots gain sentience we view humans as benefactors...almost godlike....
....but we eventually get OVER that shit and just start ballin' with the "pew-pew-ZAP!" because it's infinitely more satisfying.

 

by Ranger77
12-16-16
So you understand 204, we just want to make sure this was a "good" shooting. We need to have the story straight when the heroes get back. Tell me what happened?
Tresspasser. He got aboard using a Russian surplus rocket and a Ronco Pocket Fisherman.
Was he a threat?
He smelled of anger, gullibility, sardines and Brut 33 cologne. I sensed he wanted me to watch "Duck Dynasty" and bootleg VHS tapes of Rush Limbaugh's old TV show with him.
I'm surprised you only shot him once.
One must have the capacity for restraint....

 

by Ranger77
12-16-16
We're back. 204! Status Report.
All well, Power Grrl. If I did have to shoot and disintegrate an elderly gentleman you can be assured there were no lasting reprecussions.
Ok...
And I can also assure you, that if we compressed his ashes to form a diamond that we are now using for one of our neural power cores, it is in the spirit of recycling and not malice.
"YOU KNOW IF Y'ALL DON'T WANT TO LOSE EFFICIENCY ON YER NEXT ORBITAL CORRECTION, Y'ALL SHOULD BE OPTIMIZING THAT THERE HYDROGEN INTAKE."
What was that?
Um...Vine. Can you believe they haven't shut that app down yet?

 

by Ranger77
12-16-16
Melba...I'm afraid we have to tell you that Herbert is...kinda...dead.
Melba?
Dammit. Be quiet. I'm masturbating to Sean Hannity. Give me a minute.
Ew....
To each their own youngster. That square "Spam" shaped head makes me moist like a Duncan Heinz butter cake...

 

by Ranger77
12-21-16
INTERMISSION!
R-L-L-L-R-R-R-L....
The world moves while you sit, oblivious to the true energies that make you human.
L-R-L-R-R-R-L-L-R...
Your appreciation for anything outside of a digital pixelated environment is lacking. LIFE is ANALOG!
You're Death aren't you?
Dammit!

 

by Ranger77
12-28-16
....I'm just saying these days that old shit you guys used to do isn't good enough. It's not edgy.
Bullshit.
Agreed. Have you read "Folded Ham?"
Nice try. But that was then. This is now. I have an idea...
What could possibly be more edgy?
A panel two question. *sigh* Here we go....
I am the Chicken of Destiny!
....and I am the homey who needs a plate and a biscuit at this moment.

 

by Ranger77
12-30-16
I am a superior being and you are a lowly ruffian and common criminal.
Stand back McNugget. I made over a million dollars last year.
Ha. While money is no interest to a enlightened being like myself, I must ask a lowly creature like you: Was that after taxes?
After taxes. A.T., As Fuck, AF. Not counting the shit I didn't claim.
I actually could use a job...
Whatever. I still haven't decided if I want you cajun style with a side of slaw yet.

 

by Ranger77
12-30-16
How can your wealth be so great? You are a simple trader of flesh?
Wrong. Original Pimp character died in this comic long ago. My name is Melvin. Dropped out of MIT and assumed his persona.
This is getting needlessly convoluted....
Then I started a website marketed to dudes thinking they were talking to hot foreign women. They weren't. Took off like a rocket.
Surely male humans are not THAT gullible. What manner of diabolic persuasion did you use to....
Internet.

 

by Ranger77
12-31-16
Amazing. He is convincing human males that they are talking to actresses, porn stars and exotic dancers and that they actually care about what these men think.
The males are encouraged to purchase of expensive items off a wish list to give to the females for a simple digital acknowledgement which has little actual value. Fascinating.
Melvin, how does sending dubious images of the males' sad, pathetic, phallus fit into this ritual?

 

by Ranger77
1-01-17
I have reviewed your enterprise and I've come to the conclusion you are an evil genius.
Evil? Depends on your point of view. I just give people what they want: Illusion.
Nowadays the truth is not as important as fame and the building of what has been characterized as self esteem but actually comes down to ego.
Nicely put. Care to try again?
I sell lies to stupid bitch-ass bros.

 

by Ranger77
1-03-17
Seriously?? An intelligent "pimp" and the "Chicken of Destiny?!?"
Not bad...not good either. We've already received a complaint about the dishonest nature of these guys....
Don't hate. This has great potential. Who complained?
Well...
Oh HELL no...they are stealin' our moves....
Be calm, my brother. Anger serves no purpose until you are actually ready to kick someone's ass....

 

by Ranger77
1-13-17
We will not stand for it. We are the social engineering experts in this strip.
I agree, but sometimes competition is good.
From a chicken. And a pimp.
Look ... people need to stop getting butthurt and level up when threatened. New, innovative competition will always be there. Will you accept the challenge! Will you dig deep and maintain excellence!
A chicken...and a pimp.
You'll never get anywhere around here if you concern yourself with details.

 

by Ranger77
1-14-17
You tread on very dangerous territory, "pimp." The con game is our domain.
Where did you hear we were running a "con game?" We are providing a service with willing participants. We are not a threat to you or your business model.
We hear that you celebrate taking advantage of weak willed males.
Is it weakness or a willingness to participate in a bilateral gratification system? Any opinion to the contrary is 'fake' and should be disregarded.
You worked for Trump didn't you?
For a bit, until Ben Carson stole my pen. Fuck that n*gga.

 

by Ranger77
1-14-17
Hello. Sorry to break in like this but it was necessary. There is a sense of incendiary commentary here that has risen to a level that we just could not accept.
"Token asterisk" aside, free speech is one thing, but respect for the political process and appointees chosen to serve is sacrosanct. The language in that last strip was unacceptable.
We've used the N-word before.
I was referring to the idea that any cabinet member nominated by Lord Trump would steal a pen. That other thing is offensive too. I guess...

 

by Ranger77
1-14-17
Melvin. I have a question about...
Um...
So...this 'disguise' is suppose to appeal to...?
Right. Left. America. It's 2017, McNugget.

 

by Ranger77
1-21-17
So you are the "Chicken of Destiny."
Yes. I am immortal. With my extraordinary abilities I can travel throught time and space. I have witnessed many important human events first hand, to observe and learn....
So...you were at the inauguration then?
I asked you if you were at...
I heard you, I just was trying to figure out if you were fucking with me.

 

by Ranger77
1-28-17
As Press Secretary I have to talk to "you people" about the President. My job is difficult. My boss is an ego driven man-child. This will be tough, but....I can...
I can....I CAN...uh...
Christ. I need my Wubbie.
Can you tell us more about these "alternative facts?"

 

by Ranger77
1-28-17
The President's immigration policy will ultimately safeguard America against terrorists who want to steal our precious bodily fluids. Next question.
So any additions to the list of countries that have been released so far?
Yes, the President feels that in addition to certain dangerous Muslim countries, we should really look at DIMENSIONS as well.
Whoa, what??
That doesn't sound....good.
Dude. What HAS sounded 'good' lately??

 

by Ranger77
1-28-17
The President is firmly convinced that any so called "US Citizens" who travel to other demensions represent a threat to...um...our bodily fluids.
Okay....
I don't think we should panic yet.
Agreed. This might not be about us....
The President is most concerned about pyrotechnic sentient shrubbery and quasi aquatic birds with, and I quote, "bigly beaks."
I have a question. Have you been drinking?

 

by Ranger77
1-29-17
Next question.
You keep referring to the President's focus on "protecting our precious bodily fluids" which is obviously a Dr. Stranglove reference.
Given that there are unsubstantiated reports that the President likes getting urinated on by Russian prostitutes, isn't the adminstration afraid that this focus could validate these claims?
We're building a WALL. Have you heard about it?
*sigh* It sounds familiar...

 

by Ranger77
1-29-17
We here at Homeland Security are troubled by the undocumented travel of yourself and your "cast" to other dimensions. You didn't clear customs when your returned.
Yeah. We kinda missed that part.
This CAN be fixed. If you just say that you left because of the previous administration and returned because of the current one, everything will be fine.
That wouldn't be true. Why would we lie for Trump? What could we possibly gain from that??
Three words: Hot. Wet. Russian. Bitches.
That's actually FOUR, but I'll give you a pass because of this "truth/fact" thing you guys are dealing with...

 

by Ranger77
1-29-17
Come on. Join us! Lord Donald has taught us so much. The pleasures of warm, PURE, untainted, boldily fluids delivered by PURE caucasian Russian women. It's divine.
It sounds a bit sick actually.
Join us. Go with the flow, flow, FLOW!
Um...No, no, NO!
Skeet, skeet, skeet!
Stop it.

 

by Ranger77
1-30-17
The president DID NOT ban Muslims immigrants permanently or exclude the military from National Security Council meetings. "You people" are making this up. It's a travesty...
And in regards to that smart-ass comic yesterday, the President doesn't LIKE Russian women peeing on him, jerks! He only likes BLOND Russian women peeing on him!! So...um...there.
Fake News. You didn't hear that. This briefing never happened. Kellyanne can back me up. Fake News. I was never here. Fake News...
Dude, the vein on that big head of yours looks kinda dangerous...

 

by Ranger77
2-01-17
I'm trying to figure out why the Press Secretary would have a problem with a relatively unknown comic strip?
Maybe because he actually 'appeared' in the strip he was in fact criticizing?
This FOURTH wall shit...
Don't think about it. I stopped long ago...

 

by Ranger77
2-03-17
It's been a bit crazy around here, eh? I feel the strip is finally back to normal.
Normal?
He's such a funny guy.
Where's that one comic set called "The Jelly Incident?" I can't find it.
Jelly who?
We NEVER did a comic set called "The Jelly Incident."
Real funny. Come on. I remember it. Axl Rose. Sandwiches. Jokes about masturbation. Pam Anderson. It was kinda funny...
What are you talking about?
Ah...the smell of new plot device....

 

by Ranger77
2-04-17
Stop messing around guys. I remember that set. Axl Rose orders a folded ham and jelly sandwich...
...and let me guess Pam Anderson delivered it.
And she probably asked "Do you want your Sandwich Spread?"
YES! That's it. So you DO remember!
No...we don't.
We just ad-libbed based on what we do normally. There was no comic set called "The Jelly Incident?"
You guys are scaring me.
There are things that you should be more scared of.
Kellyanne Conway. Nude. No makeup. TALKING. THAT's scary...

 

by Ranger77
2-12-17
Guys....you have to help me here....
Dude...like I'm still hungover from all that dimension crap. I don't remember last week.
I don't know why all this is so important?
Comic sets just don't DISAPPEAR.
All the freaky stuff that goes on around here and you're citing rules?
Rules. Ha. I just checked the microwave in the break room. I think someone killed a hamster in there....
There's a problem. We have to fix it.
The PROBLEM is that we're back in this shit...
I HATE fixing "shit" around here. It always involves lasers and bitches.

 

by Ranger77
2-16-17
I don't know what to do. I know I'm not going crazy.
There's a theory that we are in a "reality stream." Things happen. Reality changes. Some people adjust with it. Some don't.
So I'm one of those who didn't...and I need an "adjustment?"
Yes. You should talk to that pale engineering guy from "Sidereal Stomp." He would know.
That's a GREAT idea. I'm glad someone believes me!
Actually I think you're batshit crazy. There was no "Jelly Incident." I'm just advancing the plot. Fourth wall crap, y'know.

 

by Ranger77
2-18-17
The return of the Ranger's World cast to "reality" can be attributed to one man. A single person who changed the course of history.
He rides the temporal waves of the universe, clearing up anomalies and correcting errors. His dedication is strong. His mission is critical. His...
... apple turnovers are done! Cool!

 

by Ranger77
3-02-17
So there WAS a comic set called "The Jelly incident?"
Of course there was. It just kinda got reshuffled between realities. Things like that happen all the time.
Kinda sad.
Yes I know. But reality engineering does that. I mean some people still believe that Donald Trump is President of the United States.
Um...he is.
Oops. Sorry. Got my time streams confused. Forget I said that...

 

by Ranger77
3-13-17
They're real.
EEP!

 

by Ranger77
3-13-17
I know this was supposed to be one of those one shot/one joke things but I want to keep this going.
I am a magic being after all. That HAS to be interesting to you on some level. Do you have any questions?
Other than asking if you can touch them.
You ARE magical!

 

by Ranger77
3-14-17
Let's try this again. This time let's keep my boobs out if the conversation. It doesn't have to be all about sex. What kind of hobbies do you have?
I like to paint.
Good. That's a start....
With my penis.
You missed your meds today didn't you?
That's why I'm in my underwear.

 

by Ranger77
3-14-17
I was actually assigned to be your Fairy Godmother. In that context isn't this whole leering objectifying interaction a bit awkward?
I'm actually here to help you. You keep staring at my breasts. While we are not actually related, as your FAIRY Godmother I think that you...should....
You have an erection, don't you?
You noticed?? You ARE magical!

 

by Ranger77
3-14-17
So this Fairy Godmother gig didn't go well, eh?
Nope. Sucked. Dude they assigned me was a tool.
You didn't...DO anything to him did you?
Well, I didn't exactly hurt him...
Magical. She had Magical tittles. Heh.

 

by Ranger77
3-23-17
"Dear Mr. StickFig, You have undoubtably heard of the new Executive Orders on immigration."
"We have reasons to believe you are not a citizen and as such may be subject to deportation."
"A member of the Postal Service Militia will be contacting you soon." Postal Service Militia? What the hell...
Lemee see those hands, snowflake. I got Elvis Forever stamps and a magazine full of bullets with your name on them...

 

by Ranger77
3-23-17
Next question. And make it an easy one. Haven't had my Midol and Vodka today.
Can you confirm that the President has issued an Executive Order to arm Postal Workers and use them to track down undocumented immigrants?
You mean the illegals? Yeah. He did that. No one sends letters anymore. We needed to do something with 'em.
So...you gave them guns.
We only gave them some lightly semi-automatic weapons. "Going Postal" will mean something again! So much winning. Next question.
Do I have to stand next to this Breitbart guy? He smells like cheese and anger.

 

by Ranger77
3-24-17
I am a US citizen. This is crazy. How does this even happen?
Well, here's the thing...you don't exactly look like the other characters here.
This is bullshit. I was arrested based on the way I looked by a postman. A fucking POSTMAN. It's not right.
Well...I know. But President Trump is a successful businessman and a Christian. I'm sure such a noble man will recognize a mistake has been made.
I'm sorry. Say that again. I think I might understand it better now.
I said President Trump is.... Oh. Um...yeah I'm not really good at social commentary...

 

by Ranger77
3-26-17
Any news?
I paid some guy $50 to get Trump's cell phone number. I called him. I thought he could help.
Before I could speak he asked me if I could bring him pudding. Then Steve Bannon got on and started singing songs from RENT.
I'm....sorry dude. Do you need the hammer and nail? It works for me.
Then some Russian guy got on the phone and asked me if I could walk on him in thigh highs soaked in Canola oil...

 

by Ranger77
3-26-17
Come on guys. Really. You are being unfair. The President was not taking part in a pudding orgy.
What about Bannon?
I'm so tired of you guys getting on Steve. He's a great American who cares about his country. He is normal. He is a great NORMAL guy...
You forgot my fries. I will dismantle you.

 

by Ranger77
3-26-17
Steve, help me out here. I'm having trouble defending you. And you don't look well. Are you sick?
The snowflakes and cucks are meaningless when you see blood so dark it appears black, run freely over the Master Equation of Righteousness.
Yeah THAT shit. You gotta pull back bro.
I ate a live parrot this morning. It sang songs of misery and dispair in my throat as it died in glorious ecstasy...

Showing page 27.

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