All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
12-17-05
I'd like to take some time to speak directly to both Democrats and Republicans.
To the Democrats: Shut the fuck up, please. Don't you think you've taken this political correctness a little too far?
Not using "Christmas" in any type of holiday greeting, song, etcetera, for fear of offending someone is pathetic. No wonder you look like namby-pamby pussies.
And to the Republicans: You can shut the fuck up too, in particular, about your stupid War On Christmas.
Only idiots like you need to tag something like that with the word "war", and act like the end of the world is at hand because some clerk wished you a "Happy Holiday". Just shut up, you cunts.
Yeah, I fucking love this time of the year.

 

by niteowl
12-21-05
Chuck, I need to talk to you about--
Ok, fine! If you want me to say it, I'll say it! I'm gay, alright? Yeah, I'm the one who put up the 2006 Chippendale's calender in the locker room! So what?
And yes, I'm the one who sticks his dick in the Bismarcks every morning, and I do unspeakable things to your nightstick when you leave it out on the desk!
Chuck, we already know you're gay. I was just wondering if you wanted to come over for Christmas.
Ok, but I would really like it if you hung the mistletoe from your beltbuckle this year, instead of pinning it on your wife's chest.

 

To all you bus and subway riders who vote Republican: Why don't you own a car? And don't give me that crap about the traffic. It's obvious that you don't care about the economy. BUY AMERICAN!
by niteowl, 12-23-05

 

And if you don't care about the economy, obviously you don't care about America. And if you don't care about America, you hate God, because believing in God is the American way. BURN, HEATHENS!
by niteowl, 12-23-05

 

by niteowl
12-24-05
God, I read an article online that claims that the movie King Kong is racist...
It said that any movie which features white people traveling to the Third World to capture a giant ape and bring it back to the West for exploitation smacks of colonialism and racism.
Do you think that's true?
I think someone's eggnog got spiked this holiday season.

 

by niteowl
12-28-05
I can't believe I'm dead.
Hello Brian, we've been expecting you. Welcome to Heavenâ„¢.
Thanks. It sure is quiet up here.
Yes it is, my son.
So what's the action like up here? Any hot chicks around?
Boss, can I just stab him right now? Please?

 

by niteowl
12-28-05
No naked chicks, that's disappointing. So do you listen to music up here? Do you have video games?
No and no.
How about porn? Or booze? Drugs? Cable? Anime? Fast food?
We have none of that sinful stuff up here, you silly kid.
Well, what the fuck DO you have up here?
Uh, we have peace, quiet, and Dick Van Dyke reruns 24 hours a day. It's what the old people wanted.

 

by niteowl
12-28-05
This place sucks balls. I want out of here now. Send me to hell or whatever, I don't care. Nothing can be worse than being here.
Ok, you asked for it.
Bend over.

 

by niteowl
12-28-05
Alright! Now I'm in a place where not only is debauchery permitted, it's encouraged! So where's all the sin?
No sin, no debauchery here, only the Lake of Fire.
Haha! You guys are jokesters here. Seriously though, where are the 30 foot long mirrors covered in coke and whores?
All we have is the Lake of Fire.
C'mon man, where are all the naked chicks?
Read my lips. LAKE OF FIRE. Or be Satan's bitch. Your choice.

 

by niteowl
12-28-05
I don't like it here. Can I leave, please?
Yeah, I guess. See ya later, kid.
Man, that was the worst trip ever. I went to Heaven AND Hell. I tell ya Dad, these shrooms suck.
No way, these shrooms rock. I had the best trip ever. Your mom actually kept her mouth shut for 10 WHOLE minutes.

 

by niteowl
12-30-05
LOOK UPON THESE WORKS YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR!
A 3-6 offsuit...Hmm, maybe you should fold.
Wrong. RAISE RAISE RAISE!

 

by niteowl
12-30-05
Featuring Mike Sexton and Vince Van Patten
And Antonio's drawn a K-9 offsuit...
I tell ya Mike, he should go all in right now.
Antonio's just gonna call here...
GO ALL IN, YOU BIG PUSSY!
Oh no, disaster for Antonio, as the Unabomber draws pocket Aces! Good thing he didn't listen to you, Vince.
Hey drink wench, shake your sweet little ass on over here! Poppa needs a refill!

 

by niteowl
1-06-06
Did you make a New Year's resolution?
Fuck no, that stuff is stupid. It's like admitting you're a loser.
That's not true. It just means that you recognize that you have minor issues that need to be dealt with.
Aah, bullshit.
I know what your resolution should be...
I already told you I'm trying to be less argumentative. By now I would've told you to go fuck yourself.

 

Walmart has some special plans for Black History Month next month. The original King Kong DVD will be on sale for only $9.99!
by niteowl, 1-06-06

 

[This comment has been blocked by the U.S. Government for your protection.]
by niteowl, 1-13-06

 

by niteowl
1-15-06
Your total is 3 dollars and 19 cents. Would you like to donate one dollar to the Ronald McDonald House?
Hmm. Everything I ordered was off the dollar menu, so either I'm poor or a cheapskate. What do you think?
I think that you purposely ordered lower priced food so you can donate that extra money to the Ronald McDonald House.
On second thought, I'll have a chocolate sundae too. And supersize the fries while you're at it.

 

by niteowl
1-15-06
So how did your date with Lisa go?
Horrible. We disagreed on everything. She's a nice girl and all, but we couldn't even get through our meals without having a verbal sparring match.
I bet that had to suck, spending the entire dinner fighting.
Who said anything about dinner? I was talking about breakfast the next morning.

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
The Channel 3 News Ticker: "Spies
Welcome to Channel 3's Year in Review for 2005. I'm Bob Andweave.
Like Us" by Paul McCartney named
A lot of interesting stuff happened in 2005...some good, some bad.
fav song by the Bush Administration
Unfortunately, I'm so wasted, I can't think of anything specific right now.

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
Millions of cows vow revenge as Mad
Some really good movies came out in 2005. There was The 40 Year Old Virgin and...
Cow disease articles knocked off
newspaper frontpages by Bird Flu
Um, there was some really good porn too.

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
Terrell Owens to be on cover of the
Ok, what else happened in 2005...War and destruction...
next Madden NFL game; Eagles fans
Catastrophic fires, hurricanes, and other miscellaneous acts of God...
hoping his vocal chords get injured
...and who can forget the anime explosion? Sucky sucky, indeed.

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
Big turnouts in many cities for MLK
And now, we'd like to pay tribute to all those who passed on in 2005.
day yesterday, punctuated by lots of
Pope John Paul II, Frank Gorshin, Mitch Hedberg, Johnnie Cochran, Bob Denver, among others.
incoherent chanting and singing
I'd especially like to remember John DeLorean and Richard Pryor by cutting a line and then setting myself on fire. Amen.

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
It's 4am; do you know where your
It seems like every year, there is a genre of music that breaks out.
crack dealer is? -- Tom Cruise is not
In 1998, it was swing. In 1999, it was the Latin explosion. A few years ago, it was mallcore.
crazy; he's just a Scientologist
But the breakout genre of 2005 was bigger than we've ever seen before. Sucky music. Man, oh man, did we have that in abundance!

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
More bombs dropped throughout the
To wrap it up, 2005 was a great year.
world today as -- Hey, could you be a
little less cynical down there? Geez.
What? There was no cynicism in that statement! It was a GREAT FUCKING YEAR!

 

by niteowl
1-17-06
One night on HNIC...
So I says, "Well, Kovalchuk's lucky he didn't get his arm broke, you know?"
But Don-
Will you shut up and let me finish, MacLean? Anyways, I'm starting to like this Crosby kid. He's at least standing up for himself.
I tell ya, that punk Kovalchuk is lucky Andre Roy didn't get to him, there'd be one dead Russian at center ice-
Don, you do realize we're in a commercial break right now, don't you?

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
I'm tired of being oppressed!
You're a blonde haired, blue eyed white boy. How the fuck could you be oppressed?
Not me personally. I'm talking about the stereotypes perpetrated on us folks living here in Minnesota.
When you say stereotypes, I'm assuming you're talking about the lefsa and lutefisk thing.
No, you big dummy. Don't you realize the rest of the country thinks we talk and act like Canadians?
*gasp* CANADIANS!

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
We need to do something about our oppression.
Like what?
Let's protest.
Ok, number one, where are we going to protest, and two...WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO PROTEST?
I know what we can protest...the movie Fargo! Those fucking Coen brothers made a mockery of all us Minnesotans and our accent!
Hey buddy, here's a tip for ya...The Coen brothers are from Minnesota.

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
Just because the Coen Brothers are from Minnesota, that doesn't give them the right to make fun of us.
Exactly how the fuck are they making fun of us?
The weird accent they gave to Frances McDormand's character.
That is how us Minnesotans talk, you moron.
That doesn't make it right.
So everyone in Fargo should've had a distinctly non-Minnesota accent, like every character in Grumpy Old Men?

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
Hey, don't start with the Grumpy Old Men shit.
"Oh hey, My name is Jack Lemmon and I sound like I'm from New York even though my character has lived in Minnesota his whole life!"
Man, fuck you. You don't give two shits about my plight and you obviously don't care about your fellow Minnesotans. I'm outta here.
Let me guess...you're going to go talk to Jerome, right?
That's right. The black man feels my pain. Later, bitch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The man with his foot on your throat and all that.

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
Yo Jerome, wuz up muh nigga?
Brian, why is that every time you come around me, you talk like that? You ain't black.
Sheeit mang, I know I ain't black, but I feel the pain of muh niggas. I know that the man has his foot on your neck and mine.
Alright, who's oppressing you now, whitey?

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
I'm tired of everyone making fun of our accents. Help a brotha out.
Brian, stop it. You're not black.
I know that...but you are and you understand what oppression is all about. So tell me, what's it like going through life with everyone trying to bring you down?
My life is fine. No one really messes with me.
Ah, I see. They're scared that you might pop a cap in their ass. That's why no one fucks with you.
Oh yeah, that's it exactly. Wow, you really know black people.

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
What's with the sarcasm, Jerome? C'mon mang, you my nigga.
You're acting like a fucking idiot, Brian.
But everyone makes fun of our accents, I'm oppressed and-
Brian, you folks DO have a funny accent. It's not a big deal though, and certainly not something worth having a hissy fit over.
Oh, I get it now. You hate white people! You're a fucking racist!
I don't hate white people. YET.

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
Ok, what the hell just happened?
I don't know, but it looks like everything got nuked.
Thank God for radiation. I was getting cold.
Man, the wind chill was only -5 before. You're such a pussy. You know what, I'm outta here, you crazy cracka.

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
Brian, this is God.
Oh my God, it's God! God, what just happened?
I nuked the city in an attempt to kill you.
Why would you do that?
Because you're a whiny fucking pussy, Brian.
Shit! Even God is trying to oppress me!

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
I'm not oppressing you. I'm just pointing out that you're acting like an idiot.
Go home, Brian. And please shut up about the whole accent/oppression thing. It's a crock of shit.
But I-
Brian, next time, I WON'T MISS.
Yep. Even God has his foot on my throat.

 

by niteowl
1-20-06
That was a great story, God. Thanks.
You're welcome, Susie. So what's the lesson you learned from it...?
That Minnesotans have weird accents? That black people hate white people? Don't piss off God or he'll strike you down?
No, no, and no. Try again.
That it is possible to survive a nuclear attack virtually unscathed?
It wasn't a nuclear attack, I just snapped my fingers and...fuck it, nevermind.

 

by niteowl
1-21-06
Godzilla's on TV, dear.
Really...So what channel is it on, American Movie Classics?
Actually, yes it is.
I was kidding.

 

by niteowl
1-21-06
Hi. Can I take your order?
Yeah. I have a package I'd like to have shipped to Germany. 3 day air, please.
This is Burger King. UPS is down the street.
I know that, but your ads say "have it your way". So I'd like you to ship my package please.
Fine, your total is 340 dollars and 56 cents. Would you like anything to drink with that?
Give me a break. Like I'd ever eat anything from Burger King.

 

by niteowl
1-21-06
Did you hear that Pakistan warned the U.S. not to attack and kill their innocent citizens again?
Why do you always talk about this stuff with me? Don't you have another park bench you can sit at?
You're the only one who will listen to me.
I'm not really listening though, I'm just waiting for you to feed me.

 

by niteowl
1-21-06
I read the most interesting LiveJournal ever. It's by a chick with Multiple Personality Disorder.
How did you manage to stumble across something like that?
My wife found it. She was totally engrossed, and stayed up until 2am reading it.
So, how crazy is she? Is she like, Sybil crazy?
Well, I don't like to throw stones, but man, that chick is totally fucked up.
Meanwhile, you're telling this story to a squirrel.

 

by niteowl
1-21-06
Have you ever watched the show, "Lost"?
Nope.
Me either.
So how long do you think it'll be before we're expelled from the U.S. of A. for our treasonous acts?
I don't know, but I'd sure like to get sent to Mexico, just to see if the water is really as bad as everyone says it is.

 

by niteowl
1-22-06
♫ I feel for you... ♫
♫ I think I love you... ♫
KHAAAAANNNNNN!

 

by niteowl
1-22-06
Inspired by this comic:
Ok, so Dark Side of the Moon has sold like, a zillion copies, right?
Right.
stripcreator.com/comics/LuckyGuess/327796
I know why it's sold so many copies. You tend to lose stuff more when you're baked off your ass.
So what you're saying is that they get so fucked up, they lose the album and have to go out and get a replacement?
Yep. Dude, why the fuck are you levitating?
I didn't steal your Dark Side of the Moon album, I swear.

 

by niteowl
1-23-06
This is my 1400th comic. I probably offended some people with some of my comics, and I'd like to apologize for my indiscretions right now.
I've been insensitive, crude, and callous. I've ridiculed things that people hold dear to them, and mocked things I don't understand. For that, I'd like to say...
Sorry, Cthulhu.
Good. Now that everything's cool between us, let's make out.

 

by niteowl
1-26-06
I can't believe that some people still support Bush. Look at how low his popularity ratings are and all the bullshit that's happened within his party lately.
It doesn't surprise me. His constituents are extremely loyal.
He could eat their children and they'd still back him 'til the very end.
I bet you'd taste like chicken.
Hi, Mr. President. Mommy and Daddy sent me to you as a ritual sacrifice, whatever that means.

 

by niteowl
1-27-06
Are we ready?
Yep. Now normally, I'd tell you not to meet your past self, but I don't care. Go for it. Hop in, let's get this going.
Welcome to 1984. I know it looks the same, but I'm not a big fan of redecorating just for the sake of redecorating.
That Madonna poster looks a lot less stained.

 

by niteowl
1-27-06
So now that you're in 1984, where are you gonna go first?
I'm going to go visit the 10 year old version of myself. See ya later.
Hi. Are you looking for my mom and dad? They're not home.
No. I'm you from the future. The year 2005, to be precise.
Yeah right. I'd never let myself become a slob.
You had no choice. This is what 3 divorces and hundreds of dead end jobs will do to you.

 

by niteowl
1-27-06
Ozzy is my favorite singer, so what's he doing in the future?
He has his own TV show. One of the highest rated ones on TV, as a matter of fact.
You are so full of it. What about Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
Sean Penn? He's won about a zillion Oscars.
There is no way you are me from the future. I'd never lie that much.
What about the time you ate all the Oreos and blamed it on the cat?

 

by niteowl
1-27-06
I've had enough. You're a liar and you're kinda creepy, so you'd better leave before I call the cops.
But-
No buts. Get out of here.
That went well.

 

by niteowl
1-27-06
You're back already? What the hell happened?
I tried talking to, uh...myself and got nowhere. He didn't believe anything I told him about the future.
He's a kid. It was probably too much for him to handle. Don't you want to check out 1984 some more?
Nah, I've had enough. Send me back to 2005.
So why did you come back to 1984 anyways?
I just wanted to play Pitfall on my old Atari 2600 again.

 

by niteowl
1-29-06
stripcreator.com/comics/ivytheplant/335226
"If the goalie has one weakness, it's between his legs."
"What I meant was he has a big 5-hole."
"Can we cut to commercial, please?"

Showing page 28.

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