All comics by BlackSheep

Profile

 

by BlackSheep
4-27-07
Good afternoon ma'am!
Hello.
We're with the Mormon faith.
Aren't you those people that have multiple wives? YOU OUGHT TO BE BLOODY WELL HUNG!
Yes, we are ma'am!
Go! Goodbye!

 

Do you know why all our hookers are going to China? Because the U.S. dollar ain't worth a fuck!
by BlackSheep, 4-29-07

 

by BlackSheep
4-29-07
Shit, Rod...they were out of cream for my coffee at the company cafeteria again today! What are ya doing?
Do you mind, Lance? I'm masturbating, ok!
Can I give ya a hand?
What are ya...some kind of bone yodelling, butt surfing, ring raiding, turd burglaring, rocket polishing, chicken choking whacko homo bastard or something?
Umm...no, but who better knows how to please a man BUT another man? Remember, we're a team Rod and I just want to help you do a good job!
Whew! You had me worried there for a sec, Lance! Ok...come on over and finish me off and I'll have some cream for your coffee then!

 

by BlackSheep
4-30-07
Nana? Why are Mommy and Daddy getting divorced?
Because they're SICK and TIRED of you SHITTING AND PISSING in your diapers constantly and then WHINNING AND CRYING half the fucking night wanting one of them to clean you AGAIN!
Sniff...but...I are too small to clean me!
I don't give a rat's ass if you're too small! YOU made the mess and YOU can clean it up or sit in it till you turn 16 for all I care!
I...AM...TIRED...of having to babysit you every time your Mommy and Daddy are in court or in jail because of YOU!
Sniff...and ya wonder why us kids go postal, bring guns to school and turn into serial killers, rapists, bombers and sociopathic dillusional psychotic manic depressive baby aborting criminals, Nana?

 

by BlackSheep
4-30-07
Mom...how come I don't look like you or have any of your genetical characteristics and traits?
Uh-hum!
I mean...I'm not musically gifted like you or have any artistic talent nor do I enjoy classical music or consider myself to be cultured in any sense of the word like you.
Yes dear...
I don't look good or feel good about myself. I'm fat, lazy, do drugs, sleep with all of my friends, wear these goth clothes and makeup to your church just to embarrass you! Why am I like this?
Ha-ha! Ho-ho! Because...ha-ha-ha...I...AM...NOT...YOUR...REAL...MOM! HEE-HEE! HAW-HAW! YUK, YUK, YUK!

 

You're SO ugly that it looks like your mother soaked you with gasoline and set you on fire...and then your father put you out with a screwdriver!
Can I still see your panties or is that out of the question?
by BlackSheep, 4-30-07

 

by BlackSheep
4-30-07
Thanks to AccentuateNegative for the idea!
Terry...I gotta figure out what to get Karl for his birthday this month!
Well...what kinda things does he like, Pete?
I have no idea! He's only been riding with us just shy of one year.
Hmm! Oral sex is always nice!
I don't like giving "GAG" gifts!
Oh, ya?

 

by BlackSheep
4-30-07
I TOLD YA EV! I'm not going anywhere near the new Skywalk at the Grand Canyon!
It's safe Bob!
I'm not stepping on a glass walkway that is 4,000 feet above the canyon floor!
Well...I'm going to go on it even if you don't!
If I went on it and the floor broke...
Ya...the earthquake would be felt back in Hamilton, Ontario and there would be chicken wings spread out all over Arizona!

 

by BlackSheep
4-30-07
...and that's it for the sports with Arsenal over Liverpool, 2 to 1 at the end of the first half. Back to you, Mavis.
"THE REF'S GOIN' 'OME IN A FUKKIN' AMBULANCE! THE REF'S GOIN' 'OME IN A FUKKIN' AMBULANCE!"
Sorry folks! And now...BREAKING NEWS...Liverpool fans, upset with some of the ref's calls, are pelting the Arsenal section of the stands with darts as I speak! FUCKING SCOUSERS!

 

by BlackSheep
4-30-07
Little Johnny was not in classes today!
Hello. This is Hellen Detweiler, the vice principal at Dalewood public school calling for Mr. McCleod about Johnny's absenteeism today.
...in a lowered voice...
Umm...err...yes...hello...this is my father speaking!

 

by BlackSheep
5-01-07
Umm...I'll have a cheeseburger and aah...ya, a double-chocolate shake please!
I'll have your umm...driver's license and aah...ya, registration please!
Do you know how fast I was going?
I think that is MY next question isn't it?
I couldn't tell 'cause I was text-messaging on my cell phone!
Well, you dumb little smart-assed hand-puppet...there'll be more than a hand stuck up your ass where you're going!

 

I'm an illegal alien in the U.S. from Mexico but I had a child born here so I can probably stay, right?
Umm, no! You'll get deported back to Mexico and we will probably turn your sweet little girl into a house maid or a prostitute to subsidize our growing border patrol costs!
by BlackSheep, 5-01-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-01-07
This is great Latifah, spending some quality time with you! Your idea of coming to this driving zoo really does makes me feel close to nature. Oh...look...a great blue Australian awk!
"AWK! AWK!"
Just look at how he's arching his back and ruffling those tail feathers!
"AWK!"
Is that close enough to nature for you? I'll let ya get even closer to nature when we get home so you can clean some nature off the side of my pimpmobile, baby, before I put ya back out on the street!

 

Conjoined at birth, the twins, now finally separated, appear publicly for the first time, since ordering the do-it-yourself home twin splitting kit from the internet!
by BlackSheep, 5-03-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-04-07
Quack! This is a great little spot you found right here in the middle of the city, Daffy!
Exactly, Don, although the water quality isn't exactly what I'm accustomed to!
I wonder what they call this place?
I think its Bell's Park or Bell's Wildlife Sancturary or something.
When do ya think they'll clean this duck shit out of the pool?
Probably the weekend before the first of those Black Sheep bashes...just like last year!

 

I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You've had too much to drink and I can see you're face is already as white as a sheet!
"Burp!"
by BlackSheep, 5-06-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-06-07
So, Billy...why don't you become a choirboy like me and we can hang out?
What do you do most of the time, Johnny?
Well, of course we do a lot of singing but we get to do sleepovers at Father Murphy's place.
I don't think Father Murphy would like me.
Why not?
Well, I had a colostomy last year!

 

by BlackSheep
5-12-07
I'm actually here to warn you, sergeant!
What do you mean, "warn me"?
Well...apparently, you're going to be training one of our own, a Black Sheep, this summer and if you cross over the line, well, you know...there's going to be retribution!
We treat and train all recruits in the same manner and what's a Black Sheep?
Lemme put it this way, sergeant...Black Sheep don't take kindly to some 22 year old, pimply-faced drill sergeant dissing one of our own! How much clearer do I have to make it?
Black Sheep are, like, pre-trained? Covert shit? Black ops? Special forces? I get it! You want me just to pretend I'm ragging on him or I'll be shitting my pants in fear! You got some toilet paper?

 

by BlackSheep
5-14-07
Nana? Why are Mommy and Daddy getting divorced?
Because they're SICK and TIRED of you SHITTING AND PISSING in your diapers constantly and then WHINNING AND CRYING half the fucking night wanting one of them to clean you AGAIN!
Sniff...but...I are too small to clean me!
I don't give a rat's ass if you're too small! YOU made the mess and YOU can clean it up or sit in it till you turn 16 for all I care!
I...AM...TIRED...of having to babysit you every time your Mommy and Daddy are in court or in jail because of YOU!
Sniff...and ya wonder why us kids go postal, bring guns to school and turn into serial killers, rapists, bombers and sociopathic dillusional psychotic manic depressive baby aborting criminals, Nana?

 

by BlackSheep
5-14-07
I got a candy in my front pocket little girl. Do you wanna get it?
My Mommy told me never to accept candy from Santas!
You won't be accepting it though, you'll be taking it!
Oh, like that's a big difference. Its just semantics!
C'mon honey. I really want you to snoop around for this candy just like you did hunting for eggs at Easter!
Umm, no Dad!

 

by BlackSheep
5-14-07
You gay?
What maykth you think that, juth becauth I let you give me a colon fluth and check my prothtrate, twyth, lath night?
So are ya?
You drethed me up like Madonna, whipped me, I gave you a sponge bath and you called me mommy...that maykth me gay?
No, because you dress, walk and talk like a fucking bone yodelling faggot!
Yeth, I'm gay!

 

'CAUSE I'M AN OLD FUCKER AND HAVE PROBLEMS READING SMALL PRINTSO I STORE EVERYTHING ON MY COMPUTER IN CAPITALS, OK? BLOW IT OUTTA YER ASS AND PICK ON SOME OTHER FUCKING LITTLE PUKE!
by BlackSheep, 5-14-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
Its so much easier to masturbate today.
When I was a kid, I'd have to wait for the Sears catalog to arrive and then take it to my room and turn to the lingerie section.
Today, I just get on the internet and go to Sears.com!

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
Today was a really sad day. We had to pull the plug on my grandmother.
I needed the outlet for my laptop!

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
My grandfather was actually a holocaust survivor...
...and, you can tell that it really affected him because to this day, he still won't walk into a gas chamber.

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
You know what would be really confusing?
If you're performing an abortion and someone yells, "Abort! Abort!"

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
I remember the first time I made love...
I was scared...and all by myself.

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
The other day I put on a pair of my daughter's panties.
She said I look really stupid in them.

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
Last night I heard this women screaming and banging on my apartment door at 2 in the morning.
So I unlocked the door and let her out.

 

by BlackSheep
5-15-07
So, I've been seeing this women for a number of months now.
She just doesn't know it yet.

 

So, if a man says to you that he doesn't pee in his own shower, he is a liar. Do not associate with this type of person!
by BlackSheep, 5-15-07

 

Dennis...at what age do you think I should stop washing my daughter?
Umm...until her husband tells you to stop.
by BlackSheep, 5-15-07

 

Bill...a little down...just found out he has cancer.
Bill! Something's eatin' you up man?
by BlackSheep, 5-15-07

 

So, honey...do you want me to teach you about the birds and the bees now?
Only if you get off me 'cause you're crushing my smokes, daddy!
by BlackSheep, 5-16-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-16-07
I woke early one morning. The earth lay cool and still, when suddenly a tiny bird, perched on my window sill. It sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay...
that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. It sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed his very song, brought out the morning sun.
I pulled back the covers, crept slowly out of bed and gently shut the window, and CRUSHED ITS FUCKING HEAD! I'm not a morning person!

 

Hmm, I wonder...if mom and dad split up, would they still be brother and sister?
by BlackSheep, 5-16-07

 

by BlackSheep
5-16-07
Hey, Grump! If we had mutton for dinner, would that be considered to be canabalism?
Holy sheep, Terry...I really don't know!
And what about eating veal?
Baah! You're going way overboard on me here, Terry! How do you think this shit up man? That's like that movie, "Silencing of the Lambs"! You're warped!
How's about eating veal but not killing them?
That's sheep abuse man! You can't talk about that stuff here in our field! Umm...little black ones?

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
We're very sorry, Prince Harry, but I and my Chief of the general staff have decided to forbid you from serving as a troop commander in Iraq!
What the fuck, mum?
As a member of the Royal Family, you would be putting your fellow troops at exteme risk and compounded danger by going to Iraq.
You're such a queen sometimes, mum!
I hope you're not TOO disappoin...Where are you going? I'm not finished speaking with you!
I'm gonna go shoot the royal coach horses and your hunting hounds now! Cheerio!

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
I am SO disappointed that I couldn't allow Price Harry to serve in Iraq that I need to be cheered up some, Philip.
I understand, Liz, but we had no options really. How can I brighten up your day then?
Make love to me right now, Philip! Have your way with me in the royal coach! Take me for a ride over the cobblestone lane and make me squeal like Koo Stark did with our Prince Andrew!
Not bloody likely, Liz!
Why not Philip? I don't want to do a Royal Guard again or one of those Beefeaters!
Because I just finished bonking "horse-face" Annie this morning! How's your day going now, your Royal Highness? Are you going to send ME to Iraq now?

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
Philip wouldn't make love to me yesterday, Jeeves.
Very sorry to hear that, ma'am.
What do you say, Jeeves, you and I spend the weekend at Windsor Castle?
And just what do you have in mind, Your Highness?
Bring the Royal Mace and make love to me with it!
I'll bring the Royal Mace alright but it will be mace in a can from the Royal Army!

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
Diana, Diana, Diana! I am SO sick of hearing about Diana!
Diana is good for the Royal Family! Diana is so pretty! Diana this! Diana that!
Diana is so down to earth! Diana! Diana! I hope she gets into an accident or something!

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
After all these years, I finally have to tell you that I never did like how you made love to me, Liz!
What do you mean, Philip? You never had a lack of it!
MY EARS! MY EARS, LIZ! You are always hanging onto my ears and now look! I'm Elmer, the safety elephant!
Oh my, Philip! Charles has your ears too! Wonder how that happened?

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
Philip...I just don't see what our Charles sees in that Camilla Parker Bowles!
Yes, Liz, I agree with you. She has lousy teeth, a bit of a horse lip like Anne and a rather drab looking washed out hairdo.
Well...perhaps Charles thinks she has some hidden talents.
Yes, Liz...she could probably suck the brass right off a doorknob!
Now, now, Philip! You shouldn't talk about our daughter-in-law like that!
Umm...right...you could probably learn a thing or two from her, Liz!

 

by BlackSheep
5-17-07
Honey...could you get me some feminine hygeine products from the pharmacy? I'm out! You know the ones I need.
O, brother! Again? Ok, dear.
Hans, I'll have 2 boxes of the ultra, super absorbant, with wings but no strings, unscented and...2 boxes of the light days, with wings, lavender scented, travel packs, individually wrapped, please.
Yes, Peter, yes! I am sorry for your suffering again this month. They should just number these things, eh? 12 number 2s and 6 number 5s. Much easier!

 

Hmm...2 whales stuck in the Sacramento River. They think that's a problem. I'll tell ya a problem...big hard poop stuck in my colon! THAT'S a problem! Get a tugboat and pull THAT out!
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

Why is it that when you buy a fresh loaf of bread, you always reach into the middle of the bag to get a slice?
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
by BlackSheep, 5-17-07

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