All comics by DMSO

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by DMSO
4-16-03
The Owlcave
Harvey! What took you so long?
Sorry, Owlman. I was in therapy.
Therapy? Why were you in therapy?
It's part of my secret identity.
I didn't know you had a secret identity.
I'm a madman's imaginary friend. I go by the name 'Harvey'.

 

by DMSO
4-16-03
Your secret identity has the same name as you?
Yes. I tried another, but I kept forgetting who I was.
Sometimes I wonder why I employed you. And why are you wearing women's clothes?
It's my secret identity's costume....
...
Let's go fight crime!

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Well Red, I've completed your check up, and you seem to be in excellent condition. You should function perfectly for at least another century.
That's wonderful news, Dr. Engineer.
Well, goodbye th- Oh dear, I seem to have missed a loose nut...let me tighten that for you...
Thank you, Dr. Engineer.
There we go, all done - oh, I...

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Where am I? What's happened to me?
Wait... I...remember...I exploded! I must be dead, and this is the afterlife!
But how can I be here? I never knew we robots had souls...
If I'd known I had a soul I might have tried to find salvation for it
...and maybe done a little less sinning...
...possibly.

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Hey, what's that?
There's some kind of light at the end of this tunnel...

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Whatever it is, I'm being drawn towards it. There must be more to this afterlife after all!
Paradise, here I come!

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Do I smell brimstone?

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
The light is so bright! It's unbelievable!
I can feel the presence of God so strongly!
But wait! I can see the beginnings of shape and colour; paradise is taking form before my eyes!
What wonders may await me?
...

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
This isn't quite as impressive as I had hoped for...
Shut up and get in line.

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Please excuse my ignorance; I only found out I had a soul just after I died. What are we queueing for?
We're waiting to be assigned our seats

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Our...seats?
Yeah, seats. We're lucky; they're opening a new screen, so we should be able to get good ones.
Good ones? Good ones for what?
For watching the movies, tinhead.
Movies? We're going to watch movies?
Yes, we are going to watch movies. Didn't your human creators teach you anything?

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Actually, I don't think humans know much about this either.
They don't? God knows how those monkeys came to rule the planet if they're that damned oblivious to the way of the world...
God? Are we going to see him? I've been really looking forward to -
Ha! You are ignorant, aren't you? God's not had much to do with anything for centuries now.
*DING-DONG* May we have your attention please *DING-DONG*
Then who -
Sh! Pay attention, the Ushers are about to speak!

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
Greetings, recently departed souls. This is your afterlife, and we are the Ushers.
We realise that this...setup may not be quite what some of you were prepared for. We are here to explain how things work.

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
This is what will happen: you will each be assigned a seat in the theatre behind us...
...When you are correctly seated, you will begin watching a series of films...
...Each of these films is the entirety of the life of another dead soul...
...When you have finished viewing each film, you will be asked to make a judgement on that person's life...
...The criteria by which you reach your decision are entirely up to you; you may have a moral code upon which you base your judgement...
...Or you may simply favour those which provided you with more entertainment...

 

by DMSO
4-18-03
...However you arrive at your judgement, you can pick from only two categories; 'Good'...
...or 'Bad'...
...Based on the majority vote, the soul in question will go on to the next stage of afterlife...
...the stage described by some as 'Heaven and Hell'...
...You souls shall remain here until your life has been judged in this way....
...for which, I believe, there is quite a queue. Are there any questions?

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
I have a question...
Shut up, tinhead. You want to know anything, ask me. Don't call unnecessary attention to yourself.

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
What the Hell is your problem, you fowl creature? You seem to think you know everything -
I know a damn sight more than you do, metal man. Now ask me a question before I change my mind.
Ok, tell me what the deal is with this Purgatory place; how long do we have to wait here? I want to get to Heaven...
HA!
What? What's so funny, you dirt-scratching avian?
For starters, you're going to be stuck here for a while. The queues for viewing are enormous. Do you realise just how many dead people there are?

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
You said 'for starters'...What else is there?
This is the really sick part; you wait for god knows how long, watching shitty life after shitty life, and when you finally get judged...
Yes?
It's the same - all that changes is that in Heaven you only watch the lives already judged as good, and in Hell its the bad ones on the bill. For the rest of eternity.
I don't know why they bother with that "first and second stage afterlife" bullshit. Hell is all there's been for centuries, one way or another.

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
How do you know all this? You're just a chicken!
Just a chicken? JUST a chicken?!
I mean...I didn't think chickens were that theologically sophisticated...
I'll have you know that I am no ordinary chicken! I come from a clan of chickens that has been charged with the custody of -
What the hell is that behind you?

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
Hey! I can feel myself being pulled away again!
I can't believe it! You've just been having the longest near death experience I've ever heard of!

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
You mean I'm not dead?
No! Not for much longer at any rate...

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
Wait! I hadn't finished with the questions! I can feel this place disappearing!
Well, in that case you know what you've got to do...

 

by DMSO
4-19-03
"Follow the Chickens..."

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
Back on this mortal coil - Laboratory of Dr. Engineer
There! He's all in one piece again. I'll just reactivate him and see if everything's in order...*Pushes 'on' switch*
How are you feeling, Red?
I've got to follow the chickens!
Close enough.

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
I'm terribly sorry about that little accident Red.
It's alright Doctor, I had the most incredible experience!
You exploded, Red. I wouldn't have thought there could be a great deal to it.
No, after that. It was, all dark, but then there was a light at the end of the tunnel...
...and I followed it, and found myself queing to get into this cinema....

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
...And there was an angel and a demon...and a chicken that told me what was going on...
..and...and robots have souls too! I have to spread the word! Thank you, Doctor, thank you so much!
Looks like I didn't need to remove his litigation chip after all...

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
The Working Robots' Club (W.R.C.)
...So the W.R.C. will officially go on record as being against mandatory oil-testing in the workplace. Now, is there any other business?
Yes! I have news of tremendous importance to all of robot-kind!

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
Very well Red, please come to the front.
Thank you, Clango. Trust me, you'll want to here this.

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
Friends, I am sure you have all heard about my recent core meltdown incident.
This sudden detonation propelled me into the most remarkable experience...

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
A journey in which I made the most tremendous discovery; friends, we robots have souls!
We will share the afterlife with our human creators, and livestock too!
But I have grim news as well; the afterlife is not the paradise many of our masters believe it to be...
..instead of eternal bliss, we and all other souls find merely infinite tedium.
Before I was tugged back to the mortal world , I had a conversation with a very wise chicken...
...This rooster gave me cause to believe that amongst his family we will find some way of putting things right.

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
Our new found knowledge gives us the chance to make eternal life a blessing rather than the curse I have found it to be...
Come with me, my metal brethren, on my quest to find the chickens who hold the secrets we need!
...
...
...
...

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
Red Robot, have you been hanging round strong magnets?
This unit cannot believe what its aural sensors are registering!
This is outrageous! he tries to infect us with...religion !
Get the machine out of here before we all catch this virus!

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
I'm sorry Red, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. And please, don't come back until you've been to see an engineer...
*Beep*
Disgraceful...
Terrible...

 

by DMSO
4-20-03
Outside W.R.C.
I can't believe it... I just had the most important experience of my life, for all my kind, not just me..
...and they just sit there and call me mad! I don't know if I can do this on my own...
Maybe sentient life is simply damned for good. How could I have hoped to fight against beings that control our souls?
*Beep* This unit wants to help Red Robot.
Unit ZX-56 !

 

by DMSO
9-10-03
...Yes sir, we do sell nails. They're over in the far right corner...
Thanks mate.
Boss, what is wrong with our customers? We're a hardware shop, surely it's bleeding obvious that we sell nails.
Maybe you should try making a more prominent display of them...
Hello. Do you sell nails?

 

by DMSO
9-10-03
...but they buy considerably less hardware than I'd like
Och, I don't know if I want this one really, it's not quite the same one I had before...it was so good really, but it's different nowadays...don't build to last...
...my old one was a wedding present...ninety years it's lasted...longer than my husband did, and certainly more useful...
...how much did you say it was?...oh deary me, I wasn't expecting to pay that much...I say, are those mops? How lovely...

 

by DMSO
9-16-03
I'm glad you believe me ZX-56, but we've got a tough job ahead of us. There are a lot of chickens in the world...
*beep* Forgive Unit ZX-56, but we might be wise to begin our search in other places...
...My databanks indicate that the hu-man masters often seek answers in churches...
...Or with vendors of intoxicating beverages *beep*

 

by DMSO
9-18-03
You make a good point ZX-56, but there are so many denominations. How do we know which one has the truth?
*beep* That is a valid query ... let us consult our databanks for the statistically most credible group... *beep*
...
...
Anyone but the Catholics.
*beep* Anyone but the Catholics *beep*

 

by DMSO
9-18-03
St. Mary's Church (C of E)
Father, I believe you help people find answers...
Well, that does depend on the question, my son.
I'm looking for God, but I need some clues.
A noble quest indeed! Well my son, I can promise you that if you have faith, you will find Him.
I was reather hoping you could draw me a map...

 

by DMSO
9-18-03
So, you're saying that if I find some "faith", I should be able to use it to locate God?
Well... yes, my son. Faith is all it ever takes.
Well, I say "that's all it takes", but true faith is rare enough in today's world...
!
...sometimes I wonder if it is Our Father himself who has lost faith...

 

by DMSO
9-18-03
Tell me Father, what happens to the faithless?
Well according to some they are sent to Dis, one of the circles of Hell...
...within whose iron walls they will spend an eternity of despair and misery, watched over by the three infernal Furies...
...terrible blood-stained creatures with the limbs of human women and nests of terrible serpents for their hair, who revel in the endless suffering of the damned...
That's pretty heavy.
Of course, being Church of England my own beliefs are far more spineless and lacklustre.

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
...And so the priest got me thinking; maybe God himself is lost somewhere Hell!
*beep* Even if that were true Red Robot, how would we get there? *beep*
I've been pondering that too. We'd need to die to get there, but dying would just take us back to the Queue...
*beep* Perhaps if we did something tremendously bad we would be sent straight to Hell? *beep*
Hey, that's a good plan! Do you suppose they do a "Dummies' Guide" for sinning?
*beep* I believe it is called "The Bible" *beep*

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
At the library
*beep* I have acquired 1 bible, v.King.James *beep*
Look up "sin" in the index.
*beep* This unit cannot locate an index. Perhaps we must read through the whole thing *beep*
No index? What kind of a book is this, anyway?
*beep* A "good book" supposedly... here, this unit has located some Commandments...*beep*
"Thou shalt not make things easy for impatient robots"?

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
*beep* This is difficult... we cannot break most of these without violating the Laws of Robotics... *beep*
Why on earth did God make going to Hell so hard?
*beep* Wait..this unit may have a solution... Red Robot is a male-bot, correct? *beep*
Yes, but I don't see how...
*beep* Here: Leviticus 18 *beep*
...ah...

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
"...not lie with a man as a woman... an abomination..." Well, I'll be damned.
*beep* That is the desired outcome. Shall we begin? *beep*
Very well... +++Installing homo.drv+++
We draw a veil over that which ensues...

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
*beep* Stage 1 is complete; our immortal souls should now be damned...*beep*
Then let us kill ourselves and complete the plan!
*beep*This unit forgot to account for the 3rd Law of Robotics when devising this plan...*beep*

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
Damnit, ZX-56, that's the second time you've tricked me into robosexuality!
*beep* It was not this unit's intent to deceive Red Robot...
...this unit also formulated a backup scheme, designated "Plan B" *beep*
As long as it involves no beastliness, I'm open to suggestions.
*beep* Red Robot and this unit could sell their souls to the Devil *beep*

 

by DMSO
9-20-03
And how do you propose we gain the attention of the Devil?
*beep* This unit's satanbase contains several summoning rituals. Ritual 1.1 involves wanton acts of carnality...
...or if Red Robot prefers, Ritual 3.6.6 merely requires an animal sacrifice *beep*
Better. I'll go sharpen my knife. You get my goat.

 

by DMSO
9-22-03
Boss, is stealing wrong, in your opinion?
What a strange question, DMSO. Well, the foundation of our culture's moral code is based in the Judeo-Christian faith...
...and as there is a specific commandment against such activities, the conclusion is not a hard one. Why do you ask anyway?
Just thinking.
I'm pretty certain I'm not paying you for such whimsy.

 

by DMSO
9-22-03
Hey boss, you remember that conversation we were having before...?
About theft? Yes, I do recall that brief exchange. Why?
Is theft always wrong? What if you had to steal to feed your starving family? Would that be justifiable?
Well, in that situation I suppose it could be, as long no one else suffered significantly as a result. Again, I must ask: why?
Just pondering...
If you're trying to ask subtly for a raise, the answer will still be my derisive laughter.

Showing page 3.

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