All comics by DMSO

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by DMSO
3-26-02
What am I doing here, lying in a dustbin on the dirty street? Why do I spend my time just watching everyone pass me by?
It's time to learn from my mistakes; time to wake up to the possibilities within myself!
I'm going to become a woman!

 

by DMSO
3-26-02
Now, you have to understand that there is more to a sex change than a simple operation...you must go through a process of counselling, hormone treatment....
Actually Doctor, I've been having second thoughts about the whole 'woman' thing.
Well, it's important that you don't rush into anything without thinking about it at great length. This could be the most important decision of your life.
I want to be an elk!

 

by DMSO
3-26-02
You must realise, there's a lot more to becoming an elk than a simple operation. You have to put up with a strict dietary regime, hoof sculpting, antler implantation...
Y'know Doc, I'm kind of over the whole elk thing too. I want to be a squid...or a sexless cyborg...or an angel...or have big, flappy hands...
I really, /really/ want to have big, flappy hands, Doc.
I'll book you in for a week on Tuesday.

 

by DMSO
3-26-02
I dig the whole 'body modification' thing, but how come you decided to get big, flappy hands? That's the last thing I would've thought of.
Kenny Everett, dude!
Well, as long as it's all done in the best possible taste...

 

by DMSO
3-26-02
#1
How much'll you give me if I swallow this baby?
#2
I'm gonna sting you /so/ bad for saying that about my Queen...
#3
So, this is California!

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
It's not easy being fire.
Burning stuff is fun, it's true...
...and there are lots of cool titles that go with the job:

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
"Bright flower of Mankind"...
..."Consumer of forests"...
..."Terror of beasts"...
*Squawk*! *Cluck*! *Flap*!

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
But I feel I'm missing out on so much.
One Christmas, I decided to make a snowman...
That ended in disaster.

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
My career also ruined my relationship with my girlfriend...
How was work today?
I razed an apartment block! You?
I rescued ten children from a burning orphanage!
With hindsight, I shouldn't have started dating a firefighter in the first place.
...
...

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
After we broke up, I spent a lot of time at the aquarium.
Just knowing that it would only take a small crack in the glass, and all that water would pour over and extinguish me. I felt so...alive.
Plus, I liked laughing at the fish.
Ha ha! You poor bastards! Mankind harnessed me, and now he rules the Earth! Will you ever manage that? I don't bloody think so!

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
I found love again a couple of times after that, but like everything else in this world, those relationships turned to dust.
Well, ashes actually.
Give me a hug, lover... OH DEAR LORD WHAT HAVE I DONE!??
So here I am today. I've been fire all my life, and it'll always be a part of who I am. But I am more than ready for a change.

 

by DMSO
3-27-02
I'm going to become a woman!!

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
Man, I am so sick of these plain boxes we're always appearing in...
You're right. It's about time for a change.
I'm going to become a...
Stop it.

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
Hmm...
Hmmm...
I'm definitely the looker.
Fuck you.

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
Did you just...?
No.

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
OK, I'm just going to turn my back...
OK then.
???
What?

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
There! You did it again!! Right in front of my eyes!!
Did what?

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
That's it! I've had enough of you messing with my mind! I'm going to Azerbaijan.
...
Looks like it's just you and me then.
Yup. Wanna go see a movie?

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
*************NO ASIAN GIRLS*************
Wooh! Stick it to the man!
Reh-voh-loo-shun!

 

by DMSO
3-29-02
*************NO ASIAN GIRLS*************
Wooh! Stick it to the man!
Yeah! Reh-voh-loo-shun!

 

by DMSO
6-17-02
Can I please take this book out, Miss Polly?
Why bother reading? I think you should go home and sit in front of the TV instead, or play a violent computer game.
Okay, Miss Polly, I'll do that instead. Bye!
And if your mummy tells you off, just tell that bitch to get get to grips with the 21st century, alright?
This job is so... fulfilling.

 

by DMSO
6-17-02
Miss Polly, where can I find the Harry Potter books?
Harry Potter promotes witchcraft and paganism, Timmy
All witches and pagans burn for eternity in the pits of Hades. Do you want to end up there, Timmy?
N..no.. Miss...
Here, take this Bible. There may still be hope for you.

 

by DMSO
6-17-02
Excuse me, Miss Polly, but could you tell me where to find your books on DIY?
Why certainly, Mr. Smith.
They're right behind me...
In the pyre marked "Home Improvement"

 

by DMSO
6-17-02
So, which did you all prefer; 'Little Red Riding Hood', or 'Ulysses'?
...
...
...
...
...

 

by DMSO
6-17-02
Asleep at last...Isn't he adorable?
So peaceful and serene...
And all it took was a large Scotch and a couple of cigars...

 

by DMSO
6-18-02
It's the first day of my Muslim Book Group today. Do have any suggestions as to what novel I should take along?
Anything by Salman Rushdie would go down a treat, I think.
Thanks, Polly. See you later.
My pleasure.
Ji-had it coming to her, coming to my Library.

 

by DMSO
6-18-02
I've been suffering from eyestrain recently, and my optician told me not to do too much reading. Have you any large-print books?
Not a very good selection, Father. Why don't you try one of our 'Talking Books'? We have most of the current big titles.
That's a marvellous idea! You truly are an angel, Polly. I shall enjoy this, I'm sure.
Glad to be of service, Reverend.
Have you finished with my Anal Cunt tapes yet?
I seem to have mixed them up with the latest John Grisham...

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
RETURNS
I'm sorry Polly, this one's a few days late.
Oh, don't worry about it.
RETURNS
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
RETURNS
Hey Polly, how come you never enforce the overdue fines?
I'm running a tab. One of these days, I'll call 'em all in, and then I'm off to start a new life in Tahiti.

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
Busy day today, Polly?
Hell, yes. I spent all morning putting the "Midgets' Lifestyle" books on the top shelf, and this afternoon I've been mixing Stephen King in with the children's section.
Marry me.

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
ON WAR
Why do cats like catnip?

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
ON THE EXISTENCE OF ALIENS
Z'hweeg?
Tzjorkle.
Do "halberd" and "halibut" come from the same linguistic root?

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
ON THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION
What does granite taste like?

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
ON THE END OF THE WORLD
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? An what proportion would do the Twist?

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
ON GENETIC ENGINEERING
Grrruugh
I'm sick of these strips. It's like being in the fucking 'Fast Show'.

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
I'm so bloody bored of doing the same joke over and over again, with no variety, save for the ever changing backgrounds.
It's about time for a change.
Hmmm. Better.

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
...
...
Actually, the novelty's starting to wear off.

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
Hmm...
Hmmm...
Hmmmm...

 

by DMSO
6-19-02
Yes, I think I've finally found my niche.
However, I appear to be stuck in a prison cell.
Fuck.

 

by DMSO
7-04-02
Domination of Planet Executive (DOPE) Headquarters
Stiletto, it has come to our attention that in this day and age, the best way we can achieve our goal of conquest is through the media.
Si.
Also, by infecting the minds of the younger generation, we can introduce our agenda into the subconscious of the rulers of the future.
Si.
Stiletto, we are going to subvert Barney.
Si.

 

by DMSO
7-04-02
Hey, kids! It's me, Barney the lovable dinosaur!
*applause*
We've got a new friend for you to meet today!
*cheers*
Let's all say 'hello' and a big 'I Love you' to Mr Stiletto!
You talkin' to me?

 

by DMSO
7-04-02
So, Stiletto, what fun thing are we going to do today?
I don' know, Barney. What do you wan' to do?
We could...play a game! Or we could...sing a song!
I wan' to sing a song, Barney.
What song shall we sing Stiletto?
I want to sing 'My government is useless and impotent, they should be replaced by a conspiracy of evil megalomaniac tyrants'.

 

by DMSO
7-04-02
The next day...
Do you have another song for us today, Stiletto? I sure did like that one yesterday!
No, Barney. I'm afraid I have not.
Gee, Stiletto, that's too bad. What fun thing are we going to do instead?
I have a game for us to play, Barney.
That's great, Stiletto! How do we play?
We find Mummy's and Daddy's credit cards, find the magic numbers on them, and send them to the address given after the show. Join in at home and win a prize!

 

by DMSO
7-04-02
Back at EOWCA (Evil Organisation With Contrived Acronym) HQ:
I hear progress is slow on the propaganda front, Stiletto.
Si
We diverged from the traditional methods of intimidation and extortion, and it has achieved nothing.
Si.
So much for modern thought. Very well, Stiletto, you may switch to Plan B.
With pleasure, boss.

 

by DMSO
7-04-02
What's up, Stiletto? You look sad.
I am sad, Barney.
How can we make you feel better? By telling you how much we love you?
No Barney, that won't help. The only way you can make me feel better, children, is by pestering your Mummy and Daddy into signing over control of their lives and worldly possessions to my Boss.
Gee, Stiletto, that sure is asking a lot...
And if you don't, children, I'm going to shoot Barney in the face. Now, go pester.

 

by DMSO
7-05-02
December 25th
Having your birthday on Christmas Day sucks.
You'd hope at least to get some half-decent presents to make up for it.
But all I got was this tablecloth and a shitty toy soldier.

 

by DMSO
7-07-02
...And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids!

 

by DMSO
7-07-02
"Step 1 - Installing Windows (TM)"
Microsoft (TM) Terms and Conditions: By Installing this operating system, you implicitly sign over all your rights to Bill Gates (TM) {Accept} {Decline}
*click*
You have selected "Decline". This will end the installation. Goodbye!

 

by DMSO
7-07-02
What's the matter, Red?
I'm just really stressed at the moment. Everything's getting on top of me, and I need a way to unwind.
Whenever I'm stressed, I always find a nice hot bath does wonders.
I might just give that a try...Thanks, Clango, you're a real pal.

 

by DMSO
7-07-02
Hmm...
Clango was right...I've not felt this relaxed since my last defrag.
I could stay here all day....

 

by DMSO
7-07-02
You're looking a lot better, Red. Did you take my advice?
I did indeed, Clango.
I had a very relaxing bath...
AND NOW MY FUCKING ARMS ARE RUSTED ABOVE MY HEAD!

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