All comics by Hatrix

Profile

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
What the.... ? "'trix?" Omg! I'm famous!!
*sniff* I'd like to thank the academy, my friends, jebus and of course, arbi, for making this all possible.
Woooo!! You Rock!!! Yeah!!!! Woooooooo!
I need an entourage.

 

by Hatrix
11-07-06
Excuse me, I just voted and I think there may be a problem...
Oh?
Yeah well I made my choices and hit the button ...
So?
..but then the computer said "I can't let you do that Dave." , changed my vote and printed a republican party application form.
Doh.

 

by Hatrix
11-07-06
Mrs.Fossilstine, is there a god?
No.
Oh.
H-how do you know?
30 years of teaching.

 

by Hatrix
11-07-06
October 31st, 2006
Ok who's my next appointment?
We've got a big surprise for you today sir.
Yeah? Great. I'm feeling particularly stabby today. Send him in.
Uh. Wh.wh.where am I? Who are you?
Mister Botha! Long time no see!

 

by Hatrix
11-07-06
Hey did you order a halloween costume yet?
I've been looking through the online catalogue. There's sooooo much to choose from...
Let's see, hooker pirate, hooker fairy, hooker nurse, hooker witch, hooker genie, hooker cop, hooker school girl, hooker maid, hooker princess....
Sarcasm... I get it.
Here's something new! Hooker hooker.

 

by Hatrix
11-08-06
I was raised in an orthodox RC home. My mom is a firm believer in the bible and an avid follower of the pope.
Boo! Read the bible or go to hell!! And it better be the right version of the bible too. Go to church or the horrors of hell will be your reward!
I grew up and realized 90% of organized religion is just institutionalized prejudice held in place by threats and fear.
I'm warning you! The slightest deviation from the path will send you into the firey pit where you will suffer in agony forever!!!
The other 10% is total hypocrisy.
Uh... are you doing anything after this precious?

 

by Hatrix
11-08-06
Did you hear about the squirrel that took out the power during the election?
They're saying he got fried when he gnawed through some wires.
Yeah.
He bit the big one.

 

by Hatrix
11-08-06
... Ok we're just receiving the result now.....
Hey hon why are you watching election results with the lights off?
*uh uh uh*
... it's official Rick Santorum has been defeated! We take you live to his HQ...
Honey?
*pant pant pant auuuhhgggh yeah! Oh Yeah!*
...in the hopes of catching him crying...
Are you masturbating?
Shhhhh! I'm basking in the afterglow.

 

by Hatrix
11-08-06
Do you really think things will be different now that the democrats have a majority?
Not really no.
Then why were you such a rabid supporter? Why have you spent the last four months doing everything you can to get them elected?
Because I love watching incumbents get their political nads stomped into jelly on live, coast to coast TV.
Oh.
Consession speeches are like crack. Did you see the one with the guy's 7 year old crying in the background?? Beautiful!

 

by Hatrix
11-08-06
The neighbor's obnoxious over sized holiday lawn ornaments...
Jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way....
Oh there'Snow place like home for the holidays....
...make really colorful targets for your M80s.

 

by Hatrix
11-09-06
There once was a bimbo named brit,
Who married a talentless twit,
She financed his rap,
While she cleaned baby crap,
Til he got a text saying she split!
Good night everybody!

 

by Hatrix
11-09-06
So they finally got rid of Rumsfeld huh?
They tried to find him something new but the best they could do was a McJob. Too bad he couldn't cut it.
How come?
He won't take orders.

 

by Hatrix
11-09-06
Do you have this in an extra small?
If I did, I wouldn't need the operation.
Wakka wakka wakka
You should be in vaudeville.
They won't take my calls.

 

by Hatrix
11-09-06
Do you have this in an extra small?
hast du dieses in einem extrakleinen?
This concludes tape one of Learn German At Home.

 

by Hatrix
11-09-06
Do you have this in an extra small?
You just HAVE to embarass me don't you dad.
Your mother put me up to it.

 

by Hatrix
11-09-06
Do you have this in an extra small?
Sir, please stay out of the changing rooms. They're for customers only.
I'm a customer!
This is a maternity store!

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Sadly based on true events...
Hey! My kid came home upset last night because YOU are harassing him! Now I want you to apologize to him AND me!
Ma'am, your child poured his milk into the book return box. If you have issues with the way he was dealt with you'll have to take it up with the principal.
I did Miss smart ass! He told me to talk to YOU because YOU are responsible.
I see. So you're not here to deal with the vandalism or pay for the damage. You're here to complain that your child was caught and punished.
You're damn right!
Let me guess... his video games made him do it.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
The irate parent continues to confront the hapless librarian...
Now I expect you to apologize to me AND my kid. You people have to learn you can't treat us like shit and get away with it.
Ma'am the sum total of my involvement in the incident was catching him and taking him to the office.
The principal told me you're the librarian and this is your doing so I'd have to talk to you.
That's because he's a spineless jackass who shuns responsibility and cowtows to overbearing loudmouth absentee parents rather than risk anything by backing up his staff.
What did you say?
Sorry I have a cold.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Alright that's it! If you're not going to apologize I'm going to complain to your boss!
That's your perogative. I need to get some work done.
bitch..
sigh.
Fifteen minutes later...
Why in the HELL are you being disrespectful to this parent? You need to apologize!
For what? Taking this job?

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Mz.Libwitch if you aren't going to be a team player I don't know if we can continue to have you work here.
Ok.
Ok what?
Whatever you like.
I'm warning you.
Do you want me to agree or disagree with you? Decide then come back when you're sure.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Principal Freak I'm having a problem with a student who has been destroying books in the library.
SIGH Mz.Libwitch I think it may be time to put your work under review.
Pardon you?
Well you don't seem able to do the job as required.
Not once during my education or training did I ever think it would be "required" to be a sycophantic mind-reading door mat.
You see this bad attitude is exactly what I'm talking about.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
So from now on I'll be in to monitor you several times during the day and I'll give you my notes during our meeting after work.
Because you certainly don't have anything else you could be doing...
Hopefully this will improve your performance and cut back on some of the problems you're having.
I have an idea on how to solve ALL my problems.
Well good! See? You're improving already.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Hello central office? I quit.
Oh. Ok so this is your two weeks notice then?
Nope. I'm done. I'm a dot on the horizon.
Uh well... this isn't the way we usually do things. You need to come in for your exit interview.
Haaaa!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! BAH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! .... No.
Uh....

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Quitting the job...
If you don't come in for the exit interview how will you return your ID and office keys?
Oh I'm afraid you'll have to pick those up yourself.
This is highly irregular. Where did you leave them?
Bottom of the east river. I lobbed them out the car window as I went over the bridge.
....You're not getting your deposit back.
It was worth it.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Quitting the job...
Ok thanks then bye...
Hold on! There's paperwork to be finished and someone has to get a temp to fill in for you...
Yeah why don't you call me back about that when you figure out what you need from me?
Well... alright then.
You changed your phone number?
Yeah. I guess I forgot to mention that to her. He he he.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
You aren't worried about backlash from your now former employer?
Ha! No. They couldn't find their collective asses with both hands.
And what about the computer? Aren't you worried about that vindictive assistant of yours finding a private email or something you've left behind?
Naaa.
Why not?
I rigged it to format itself the next time she turns it on.

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Hey Freak. Fancy meeting you here.
You! You know I can't wait until someone calls me to ask about your references.
Oh my god! You think I'd actually tell anyone I WORKED there???
Uh..
HAHa ha ha HA HA ha h HA HA HA HAaaa! Thanks for the last laugh, jackass.
!*@&^#!*#@

 

by Hatrix
11-10-06
Where he should be...
I have RIGHTS you know!
Not anymore! C'mon Donald, four days without food or sleep isn't torture!
Where we'd like to see him...
I can't possibly go out there! I don't have any armor! I don't even have a weapon!!
C'mon Don, stay the course!
Where he'll probably end up...
Another brandy to enjoy with that cuban cigar sir?
Hell yes. I deserve it. Where would the world be without me?

 

Well it's not a hemorrhoid...it's hitler!
Oh THAT'S where I put him!
by Hatrix, 11-10-06

 

The most popular guy at the apocolypse...
Ok! who wants horse tranquilizer?
by Hatrix, 11-10-06

 

Ok I give up. What did I do wrong THIS time?
Well first of all I don't think they're supposed to scream that much.
by Hatrix, 11-10-06

 

To veterans and armed forces people everywhere...
Thank you.
by Hatrix, 11-11-06

 

How to tell it's time for a new doctor...
So how are those meds working out for you?
by Hatrix, 11-14-06

 

by Hatrix
11-14-06
Somewhere on an uncharted island...
OMG the blue genie! What Luck!!! For my first wish, I want immortality!
You got it kid... oh but you only get one wish. See ya.
Shit.

 

by Hatrix
11-14-06
Somewhere in the middle of a war zone...
OMG! The blue genie! Ok for my first wish I want immortality!
Sure thing kid...but you only get one wish. (Oh and look out.)
INCOMING!
AAAAAARRRRGHH!!
shit.

 

by Hatrix
11-14-06
Somewhere on a sunny afternoon...
OMG! The blue genie! Ok for my first wish I want immortality!
Sure thing kid... but you only get one wish. See ya!
Alien Apocalypse!
Aaaaaarrrrgghh!!!
OMG! there's one still alive! Glaxnor! Who's the happy vivisectionist???
shee-eye-ee-it!

 

by Hatrix
11-14-06
Is he talking to me?
YOU MISERABLE FLEA BAG!! You pissed on my laundry AGAIN! That is IT! Things are gonna CHANGE around here!
Oh what are you gonna do squirt me again? Feh. I can handle it. Do your worst!
DOG!
Chew Toy!

 

by Hatrix
11-14-06
At the Internet Cafe...
Wheeeeeeeeeee yahhhhhhh Wooo! Me me me me me me me!!
Oh my god that kid is driving everyone NUTS! Why the hell won't the owners DO something?
Hi snookums. Are you done expressing yourself? Would you likeums more mocha?
Mommy mommymommy mommy mommy! That guy says you promised to buy me a puppy! Let's go get the puppy mommy! LET'S GOOOOO!!!
There is a special place in hell for you sir...
Shhhh... the puppy store is calling...

 

You misspelled suicidal.
by Hatrix, 11-14-06

 

by Hatrix
11-15-06
Well you seem to be suffering from what we call "Borderline Personality Disorder"
What does that mean?
It's kind of a 'throw away' diagnosis for people with similar multiple symptoms. There's no real treatment and therapy has been proven ineffective in most cases.
So what am I supposed to do?
Suicide seems to solve the problem for most sufferers. The nurse will give you a package of razor blades and a perscription for sleeping pills on your way out.
Thanks.

 

by Hatrix
11-15-06
The updated forecast has some good news... that hurricane threat has been completely down graded and folks on the coast can breathe easy tonight!
Damn.
Well that's another fizzled hurricane.
Disappointed huh?
Yeah this whole season has been a major disappointment. I guess there's always next year. In the mean time I'm sure we'll have at least one deadly snow storm... right?
I guess we can always hope.

 

So how did it go?
Well it wasn't my best colonoscopy.
by Hatrix, 11-15-06

 

by Hatrix
11-16-06
Can I help you?
You're the priest trying to sue the city and force them to make all xmas displays religious.
You can't have 'Christmas' with out 'christ'.
Yeah you can. And besides the church just assimilated the solstice in order to convert people.
I live safe in the knowledge that god will make you suffer for denying him.
I've got no problems with god... it's his followers I fucking hate.

 

by Hatrix
11-16-06
You know what I fucking HATE?
No, what?
Everything.

 

by Hatrix
11-16-06
Doctor you're being called the worst medical practitioner since Mengele. What do you have to say?
That's not true.
I strive to make sure that all my patients better off.
I just happen to think they're better off dead.

 

Ooooh A pun!
You heard me... strip!
by Hatrix, 11-16-06

 

Happy B-day great grandma. Did you make a wish?
by Hatrix, 11-30-06

 

Jesus finally stops using prison as a hiding place.
No one will find me here.
by Hatrix, 12-09-06

 

by Hatrix
12-25-06
Christmas 2006
sigh
Glad it's only 7 days til the new year.

 

by Hatrix
12-27-06
Xmas 1997 - My SIL on the left
We're not planning on kids. We're like you and Red. We've got our lives and our dog. We like it that way.
Yup.
Xmas 2003
It's so nice to have an adult get together at Xmas that doesn't revolve around kids or presents.
Yup.
Xmas 2006
I'M TWO MONTHS PREGNANT!!!!!!!
Sigh

Showing page 3.

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