All comics by Hatrix

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by Hatrix
1-12-06
January 2006
Ahem. Testing 1..2..3..
The birds send a representative to discuss their part in preventing a possible bird-flu pandemic...
It appears they have realized their advantage.
$50 million and the release all of the KFC hostages or I cough on my eggs.

 

by Hatrix
1-12-06
Who can take tomorrow, dip it in a dream?
Separate the sorrow and collect up all the cream? The Candyman can!
This has been a paid political announcement from the PC party.

 

by Hatrix
1-12-06
So... you here for the protest?
No, I'm here for the meeting inside.
Which one?
War strategy.
You have all the fun.
Yeah. Bush takes the work out of everything.

 

by Hatrix
1-12-06
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT TREE SNEEZER!!
*gasp*
Stupid cat.
it was worth it.

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Let us pray... We've been truly blessed with a leader who is so close to god.
A leader who understands the truth of intelligent design and the need to stop the heathens from providing 'birth control' and other evil options to women.
Let us thank the lord for his help.
You're welcome.

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Happy Friday the 13th.

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Hatrix get up! It's almost noon!
No.
Stop being such a paranoid freak! Nothing bad is going to happen!
*sigh* I guess I'm ok as long as I stay in the house.
Happy Friday the 13th
Hee Hee hee!
Crud.

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Grade 6 Math with Mr. Freak.
Ok you little bastards... get your books out and shut the hell up!
Uh oh...
We'll be going over the homework I forgot to assign. And I'll take NO EXCUSES for not having it done!!!!!
!!!
Herb will write the first question on the board while I throw books at him from the back of the class. No WAIT! You, the pants wetter, YOU do it! [he he he]
They say suicide is painless....

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Working for Principal Freak
I'm the librarian but Mr. Freak insists I work on an integrated database for his amature hockey team. Like I have a choice...
Hello? Are you busy?
No, not at all Mrs. Fossilstine. What can I do for you?
Never mind, I see you're on that computer again.
*BZZT* Mz. Litwitch to the Office please....*Bzzt*
I know where this is going....

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
You wanted to see me Principal Freak?
Yes Mz.Litwitch. I've received a complaint about you from a REAL staff member.
You mean a teacher?
Yes. They say you spend all your time on the computer in the library, rather than doing your job.
Uh.. I was working on the database you told me you wanted and I would never....
From now on you're not allowed to use the computer during regular schools hours. You can do that AFTER work when no one else is around.

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Oh shiny sratching post covered with cat toys. Why does my human keep us apart???
Touch me and die.
Maybe if I just tug on those wires while no one's around...
Don't do it.
I'm outta here!
Arrrrgh!

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
I hate myself. I've failed at every job I've ever done. I'm a lazy cow. The thought of spending 8 to 10 hours a day doing menial tasks for idiots makes me want to cry.
I can't do anything I'm paralyzed by my fear of failure, so I've already failed. I'm depressed all the time because life feels totally pointless and empty. I feel like everyone hates me.
There's no punchline is there?
No.

 

by Hatrix
1-13-06
Get this time machine in GEAR moron!
Sure thing Dr.Beebody
Don't call me that. Don't EVER call me that!!
I think we're almost there...
You sure this place has takeout?
I am never EVER stealing mom's medication again!!! ...[For real this time.]

 

by Hatrix
1-14-06
My darling, I love you so much. My entire being is enriched by the mere knowing of you. I would etch your name into my skin with a white hot dagger to express the searing passion that bursts from my
soul for you if you but hinted it would give you pleasure. I will love you until the end of all things. I would gladly die a thousand deaths just to see your angelic smile.
I just wanna be friends.
Bitch.

 

by Hatrix
1-14-06
I get high a lot. I hate myself while I'm doing it but I can't stop. I live with a 'pothead' who tells me it's perfectly ok to do drugs all the time. I feel like I'm destroying my life.
Why don't you stop?
Because it would probably mean ending the relationship and getting off my ass to start taking responsibility for myself again.
So?
I can't do it.
Loser

 

by Hatrix
1-17-06
Meanwhile back in the library...
Good Morning Mrs. Fossilstine. How are you toda.......
I want you to check my email for me and I need a map that shows where those hurricanes went last year...
I would love to help. Unfortunately I'm not actually allowed to use the computer right now.
WHAT? Now you're just being insubordinate!
No ma'am I'm just following Principal Freak's orders. Apparently someone complained that I use the computer too much. If you'd like to come back after work I can help you then.
Well see about that....

 

by Hatrix
1-17-06
*bzzt* Mz.Litwitch to the office please...*bzzt*
I wonder if they're hiring in Iceland?
Mz.Litwitch I hear we have another problem.
Not at all. I was merely explaining to the REAL staff member that I couldn't fulfill her request because I'm not allowed to use the computer during school hou...
No no no. You're not allowed to use the computer for your OWN use. If a real staff member needs something, that's all together different.
Of course. What was I thinking?

 

by Hatrix
1-17-06
Hey Lily. I heard about your meeting
with principal Freak. You ok?
Lily? Hellloooo. You in there? What are you thinking about?
Oh nothing.

 

by Hatrix
1-17-06
Grade 3 with the psychotic nun. . .
You're ignorant, mouthy, bratty, ugly, stupid and worthless. You will stand at the front of the class for the rest of the day... and no bathroom breaks either.
! ! !
But Sister Jissum, I .. I didn't do anything! Why are you so cruel and miserable to us all the time?
I hate kids.
oh.

 

by Hatrix
1-17-06
This simple microphone is the very one used by none other than Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. himself on that fateful and historic day in August, 1968.
Though there were several microphones recording the momentous "I Have a Dream" speech, this microphone is the soul surviving piece of equipment from that day.
Starting bid $20,000. Serious bidders only. 98% Positive feedback required. Paypal or Credit Card only. Stand not included.

 

by Hatrix
1-17-06
One day in the garden...
So I says "Those plants aren't going to just pollinate themselves!" *wink*
Hehe.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Hatrix
1-28-06
So. . .
So.
This is it huh?
Yes.
Damn.
Um...

 

by Hatrix
2-03-06
Now that you're here you need to understand a few basic rules...
You gotta be kiddin' me.
I'm not kidding.
Wow. This sucks.
Ok Rule No.1: No swearing, no evil thoughts.
Wait... is this heaven? Or am I in one of those 'Welcome to hell' twilight zone episodes???

 

by Hatrix
3-08-06
K well... see ya.
Uh... excuse me. I think there may have been a mistake. I have been working and praying my whole life, waiting for Nirvana.
Do I look like someone who would be in charge?
uh...
Try the crab, he's got connections.

 

by Hatrix
3-08-06
Excuse me...
What do you want?
I was told to speak to you. It's my first day and uh.. well I think there's been some kind of mistake....
I'm a crab. What the hell do you think I can do?
The uh.. the fish said you had connections.
...and you believed him?

 

by Hatrix
10-04-06
Introduction: The Boss's Secretary
That's Mrs.Payne, the boss's evil secretary from hell. I never imagined seeing her out in the real world. Didn't think she could survive direct sunlight.
She's buying snack cakes? I would have thought raw meat would be her food of choice. She'll probably fill them with exlax and hand them out at halloween.
Look at that dress. Must have picked it off a plague victim during her childhood in the dark ages.
Damn, that girl from work saw me. I'll have to find something else to hide in their desks. Meat would probably smell worse when it rots... maybe fish....
What am I doing? Sure she's hard to work with but that doesn't mean she's actually evil. I should be ashamed.

 

by Hatrix
10-04-06
You saw Payne outside work? Was she dragging a body?
Seriously. I caught myself imagining her buying candy to poison trick or treaters.
Yeah that b**ch is crazy.
I didn't say she actually did it.
You were hired last November weren't you?

 

by Hatrix
10-04-06
Based on a true story...
Uh... the boss said I need to pick my paycheck up from you until I'm added to the payroll system.
I don't handle the pay dear. I'm leaving for the day now anyway.
After the long weekend...
Hi. Um I checked with the boss and he said you should definately have my pay. Could you just check and see if maybe...
Oh I'm pretty sure I don't have it. If I did I probably sent it to your office for you.
Much later. . .
What are you doing digging around in my desk?! I'm reporting this to the boss AND hr! You can't treat me like this!
If I treated you like my paycheck you'd be on the bottom of a locked desk drawer.

 

by Hatrix
10-04-06
Everyone at work is either crazy or evil. Most are both. The boss' secretary hid my paycheck!
You're kidding.
I'm not! That's what's makes it so scary.
Did you tell someone?
And what would I say? "Hey can you please tell the boss's older-than-dirt secretary to stop making my life a living hell." ?
I see your point.

 

by Hatrix
10-04-06
We just want a chance to talk man! I'm not moving until you come out of that tank and talk to me!
Are you sure that's a good idea man?
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
And that's how you died huh?
Yeah.

 

by Hatrix
10-04-06
Ladies and Gentlemen... It has recently come out that I, a 52 year old congressman have been sending sexually explicit messages to underage boys working on the hill.
I think you should also be aware of a few important facts: 1. I am an alcoholic. 2. I was abused by a catholic priest as a boy and finally and MOST importantly...
...3. This is all the democrats' fault.

 

by Hatrix
10-05-06
Father I need help. I've been caught trying to seduce little boys. I'm afraid there's going to be a real investigation this time!
Congressman I'll do whatever I can to guide you during this difficult time. What do you need?
Pointers on avoiding prosecution.

 

by Hatrix
10-05-06
Live from Fox news studios...
This is all the Democrats fault.
Democrats brought this about.
[background music: God Bless America]
Democrats caused all of it.
If it weren't for Democrats nothing would be wrong.
If they say it enough you will start to believe it.
Poor old alcoholic, abuse victim Mark Foley. Democrats ruined him.
They probably forced him.

 

by Hatrix
10-07-06
Whoa! What grave did YOU crawl out of? HA! Just kidding Marg.
Hey! We're like, twins! HAW HAW!
Turning 40 on October the 31st.
Marg... your time is near....*snicker*
I should have just got drunk at home.

 

by Hatrix
10-07-06
OHGOD THE PAIN! WHY CAN I FEEL PAIN!!!
Oh sh*t, oh damn, oh crap... there's NOTHING in the MANUAL! Oh f*ck I'm screwed.
That's it. No more human employees. Inlaws or not.

 

by Hatrix
10-08-06
Ok let's see... we've got the goat, the duck, the monkey, the inflatable dunking booth and the clown is out back sobering up.
F*ck I hate these stupid store promotions.
Is this the place offering free massages? Just work around the boils.

 

by Hatrix
10-10-06
It is not going to get better if you continue to pick it.
Is it really supposed to itch this much?
Oh, and wait four to six weeks before swimming. In fact, don't get wet AT ALL for say...
Or what were you smoking?
...the rest of your life.
Damn! Curse you illegal discount basement plastic surgery! What was I thinking?

 

by Hatrix
10-10-06
Curse you illegal discount basement plastic surgery?
It's a start.
Heh.

 

by Hatrix
10-10-06
I .. I swear
Say it.
I.. I ... swear...
Sssssay it!
I swear I will NEVER take acid again.
AND the thing about the barney cds!

 

by Hatrix
10-10-06
This show contains scenes of violence and sexual situations...
I think you've had enough.
I CERTAINLY HOPE SO!

 

by Hatrix
10-11-06
The republicans announced today that the price of gas will be dropped, taxes will be cut and wages will be increased....
What... no free hand jobs this time?
...At least until after the upcoming elections.
WE KNOW!

 

by Hatrix
10-11-06
Google gobbled another slice of the internet today when it purchased YouTube for 1.65 BILLION dollars. YouTube creators had these comments....
HEE HEE HEE HEEEEE! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA! HEH HEH HEH HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
!&$#@!+*&%$#@!

 

by Hatrix
10-13-06
The Joke is...
www.tastetheexcitement.com
...it's real.
Officially Licensed NASCAR* Meats! In Stores near you now!
..?..
To be continued...
Is it smoked on the engine blocks? What?

 

by Hatrix
10-13-06
I'm the Officially Licensed NASCAR* Meats Bacon Mascot . My name is BrakIn'. Get it?
No. What does the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing have to do with meat?
That's a good question.
I'll talk about that after a word from our sponsor!
No need.

 

by Hatrix
10-13-06
This Friday the 13th I'm playing it safe.
I mean, what could possibly happen to me inside a catholic church?
Happy Friday the 13th
Hi there. . . .

 

by Hatrix
10-13-06
This is totally awsome! It's Friday the 13th and we're going on a murder scene ghost tour! Followed by a seance! This couldn't get better!
I know! Oh wait... I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Be right back.
Uh. Don't you think you might be over doing it a little?
No.
Ow.
NOW I'm over doing it.

 

by Hatrix
10-13-06
Hello?
Ahem...
Happy Birthday to YOU, Happy Birthday to YOU, Happy Birthday Chris Carter, Happy Birthday to YOUUUUUU!
And on a Friday too! Spooky.
I think you want next door. This is the Smith residence.
Damn.

 

by Hatrix
10-15-06
Oct.13-06-Rep.Kolbe [R] Under Investigation by the FBI for camping trips with Pages.
Hi. I'm uh... I'm former Rep.Mark Foley. The guy who's been preying on kids in the page program.
Oct.13-06-Rep.Bob Ney [R] pleads guilty in Lobbying scandal. Wants to avoid resignation to hang on to paycheque. GOP plans to expel him.
You know, my story broke first. I went to their dorm drunk. Hastert knew. Remember?
Oct.15-06-Rep.Curt Walden [R] Under Investigation for trading political influence for jobs for his daughter.
I'll let you co-write my book if you interview me.
I don't know... what if a better scandal breaks?

 

by Hatrix
10-15-06
Come out and FACE me! That's Right! It's me! Thought you BEAT me huh?? But here I am! And THIS time I'm going to kick your ASS! I even brought the board!
So COME ON motherf*cker! Get your sorry martian butt OUT here I'm going to humiliate you at space-checkers! Binkee, I'm not kidding get OUT here!
Robots are sore losers.
Binkee, I jacked a deathstar, collapsed a sun and altered space/time to do this! Now let's GO!!!!

 

by Hatrix
10-15-06
Holy CRAP!
Oh Come ON! Are they KIDDING ??
2015 When Jesus finally returns...
This doesn't look ANYTHING LIKE ME!!

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