All comics by Smurph

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by Smurph
6-07-06
Right, so he did this to his own body, you can do puzzles, I'm Tom Hanks, and there's a fucked-up monk trying to kill us...
So that must mean you're............ Jesus' great great great great great great great...
...great great great great great granddaughter.
Okay.

 

by Smurph
8-11-06
So, I hear that if I beat you, that's it. Game over. Is it true?
Well... Yeah, I suppose so... but if you level up loads more, there's bigger challenges for you. Go for it, it'll be fun!
Hmmm.... Yeah, that'd be good. I'll see you later. Bye bye!
Okay, you have fun now! Bye!
Right, look, he's fucked off... get me some frag grenades and a shotgun. Go! Now!
Oi! Bring in Doris!!

 

by Smurph
3-29-07
Heh, and then I says, 'Oo, there's loads more you can do before you have to fight me', and then, right, he actually fucks off! I mean, I was straight on to the phone to Acme, I can tell you.
Heh-hhemm!!
Daft cunt. Anyway, yeah, so we've got a big box of TNT and some more minions arriving next week. He could maybe have had me, but nooooo, greed takes over... Cocknob, so he is...
...and of course... Fuck, he's behind me, in't he?

 

by Smurph
5-15-07
An email from Jimbo. Wow! This looks class!
Check out this Enter Shikari video!
Well, this just appears to be poor rock music and a spastic with a bontempi keyboard.
Not, as I was hoping, a lubed insertion up a certain Latina singing sexpot's ringpiece.

 

by Smurph
5-17-07
SHIKARI! ENTER!
Look, I'm all for equal opportunity angelling. I mean, I even employed that retarded guy that can't even spell 'wings'.
But see that music you have, spreading your word on earth? Shite. And your envoy on Radio 1, Jo Whiley? *sigh* Did you miss the training?
In my defence, Jehova, I'm a spastic too.

 

by Smurph
5-17-07
Dukka dukka dukka durrr... twang...
Alright, this is the mix of what'll be our debut single. I think you'll like it, its original and fresh, G.
beepy beep beep, beepy beep beep, beepy beep beep beep.
Hey, you gonna get your phone?
Chorus.
Ah.

 

by Smurph
5-17-07
I'm so unhappy. I'm going to apply to get Benefits because I can't work. You know, because I'm unhappy. Its a sickness. Yep.
Later...
Yaaay! I've been awarded Incapacity Benefit! I get paid to sit about the house! I'm so happy!
30 GOTO 10
But I can go back to work then... Now I'm depressed again...

 

by Smurph
5-21-07
They're either going to try to wash our windows or kill us.
Yeah, feel the tension? When are these damn lights gonna change?

 

by Smurph
5-23-07
And finally, a Carrickfergus man accused of dressing as a female elf from a role playing game and robbing a lingerie store of bras and panties has been sentenced.
The man's lawyer was outraged at the two year prison sentence.
However, inmates are said to be excited at the chance to play with a new race.

 

by Smurph
8-17-07
Apparently I will soon meet an untimely end!
LOLZ

 

LOLZ! Oh, that Mandingo!
ROFLZORZ! I'll have that.
by Smurph, 8-17-07

 

by Smurph
8-23-07
And now over to our mate Keith Chegwin. What are you up to today?
RAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!! I'M IN HEARNE BAY! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!!!!
Thanks, Cheggers. Back to you in a bit. Fiona?

 

by Smurph
8-23-07
Today we have with us Griselda Chugglesworth. She's here to tell us her incredible story. So, you broke your leg, then you went to the hospital. Then what?
Well, the hospital collapsed. While I lay in the rubble for 6 days with no sustinance, the other two men trapped in the air pocket with me repeatedly spit me.
I see...
And then when I was rescued, I found out that my whole family had been killed in a freak storm.
...How did that make you feel?

 

Hey God, what's shakin'?
Not much. Here, do you have that tenner you owe me?
by Smurph, 9-09-07

 

by Smurph
9-11-07
EXTERMINATE!!!
What kind of a hello is that sweetie? Haven't seen you in years! How's Stavros, the little darling?
He has AIDS.

 

by Smurph
9-11-07
Praise Allah, Mr. Bin Laden! Today is our most happiest day of the year!
Indeed. How can we mark Choad's birthday this year? I swear, I wish Abdul hadn't killed himself in the plane thing. That was the best idea yet.
No-one even noticed the big cake we sent last year.

 

by Smurph
9-11-07
For millions of years, mankind lived just like the animals. Then, we learned to make ass rape jokes.

 

by Smurph
9-14-07
And in entertainment news, Ben Affleck's directorial debut 'Gone Baby Gone' has been put back in Britain due to similarities to the Madeline McCann case.
The McCanns are said to be 'relieved' by the news...
...Because they've seen Jersey Girl.

 

by Smurph
11-12-08
My word, these are awesome chocolates, you really are spoiling us, ambassador!
Well, quite, but you see, I only put them out because we didn't have any fatwa, or whatever it is you people eat.
Oh, you've got a bit on your face. Why not wipe it up with that ruddy rag on your noggin, hm? Bleh.

 

by Smurph
11-12-08
Hm, what? Vatican City is it, what? Hm, bleh. I've someone I'd like you to meet, it's Father MaChildren. Have you met him?
He rapes boys, you know. Hm, quite the pastime, indeed.

 

*fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap*
by Smurph, 11-26-08

 

by Smurph
8-13-09
This week: "Moderate Threat"
I don't care if you can see both points on gay marriage, I'm still going to kill you.

 

How the hell did you manage to book us a holiday inside Charlie Sheen's head?
Malkovich knows a guy.
by Smurph, 3-26-11

 

by Smurph
4-18-12
Fuck your possessions!
Let's blow shit up and mess with people!
AHH!
It was you all along!

 

by Smurph
4-18-12
TIMES 6!
Interesting.
Gross.
LOL
Gross.

 

by Smurph
5-21-12
Poor old Robin Gibb. Another disco legend dances off this mortal coil. The world is a less funky place without him.
And of course we have to refer to them as 'The Gee' now too.

 

by Smurph
5-26-12
Fuck.
Respawning in 3 days
You have got to be kidding.

 

by Smurph
5-26-12
Fuck this weather! Where's the sun?
Fuck this weather! Where's the sun?
Fuck this weather!

 

by Smurph
5-26-12
Pengulon uses SideStab: It's quite effective.
Word.
Jesus uses in-built guilt. It's super effective!
Believe.

 

by Smurph
5-26-12
6.62606X times 10 to the minus 34 joule seconds.
Right.
6.62606X times 10 to the minus 34 joule seconds.
Okay! I get it!
6.62606X times 10 to the minus 34 joule seconds.
For fuck sake, enough, alright?!

 

Doc, wait, did you say somethings gotta be done 'about' my kids, or 'to'?
by Smurph, 5-29-12

 

by Smurph
6-06-12
Yeah, but you can't just hide in a bush... Um...
Put your head in a shrub?
Nearly...
Fuck! Bury your head in the sand. Dammit.
Bingo.

 

by Smurph
11-22-12
So, they say dinosaurs evolved into birds, so there's tiny dinosaurs flying about right now.
And dinosaur carcasses produced oil and all that shiznet.
Basically then, I can stop the fund-rape by the oil companies by stuffing pigeons into my petrol tank?

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