All comics by barcodeking

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by barcodeking
4-29-03
Skynet Robofactory #2029
I'm nervous, Doc. I've never been to a maternity ward like this before.
That's perfectly normal for an expectant father.
Whatever happened to the days when a father was supposed to just sit in a waiting room, chomping on a cigar?
The Ward Cleaver days are gone for good, my friend.
Ah, the miracle of Life™. Congratulations, it's a bot!

 

by barcodeking
4-30-03
Ready for bed?
Oh, yeah, honey!
BUZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZZZZ! BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!
You know, we couldn't use that toy legally if we lived in Alabama!

 

by barcodeking
5-01-03
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;
"or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press;
"or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

 

by barcodeking
5-05-03
They caught "Mrs. Anthrax" over in Iraq!
She's not the same one as "Doctor Germ," is she?
No, that's a different mad scientist villain.
And then there was "Chemical Ali." Where did they come up with those lame nicknames?
It's like we're living in a bad Batman cartoon...
Oh, she's plug-ugly, too. Catwoman she ain't!

 

by barcodeking
5-07-03
Did you see about that rock-climber who got stuck under a boulder and had to cut his own arm off with a pocket knife to get free?
Ouch!
I heard he actually had to snap the bone off before cutting through the tissue.
Ewwwwwwwww!
Do you want to go in and watch "Survivor" now?
Do you think any of those posers would cut their own arm off?

 

by barcodeking
5-09-03
They say that if an infinite number of monkeys were placed at an infinite number of typewriters, eventually one would type the works of Shakespeare.
"O Someo, Someo, wherefore art thou Someo?"
Close... Very close.
It's too bad the researcher didn't show me how to use the spellchecker.

 

by barcodeking
5-12-03
At My House
Listen to this story: Thailand's finance minister was trapped in his BMW when the car's computer crashed.
"Car's computer crashed." Those aren't words you hear every day.
The doors and windows locked automatically and the air conditioning went off.
[Dave] "Open the pod bay doors, HAL!" [HAL] "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."
Security guards had to break the windows with a slegehammer to get him out!
Whatever happened to our spaceships to Jupiter, anyway? The future just ain't what it used to be. And didn't those Beamer engineers ever hear of the phrase "Keep It Simple, Stupid!"?

 

by barcodeking
5-14-03
North Korea
Our glorious North Korean scientists have created "healing stones" that emit beneficial "infrared waves" when heated!
Another victory for the Juche program of our Dear Leader!
They say that the rays can remove smells, be used as a sterilizer and as a treatment for heart disease, hypertension, arthritis and other illnesses.
You see? We don't need your Western medicine. We have our "healing stones" instead!
We'll be selling them on the Internet soon. Well, we would, if we had only electricity so that we could run computers.
Not to worry, though. We'll sub-contract it out to Nigerian spammers. Oh, and did we mention that the "healing stones" will enlarge your penis, too?

 

by barcodeking
5-17-03
At the Doctor's Office
Ted, I have some good new and some bad news.
What's the good news?
Well, you know how some people are so difficult to shop for at Christmas? Well, you won't have to worry about that this year.
Uh-oh!
Let me introduce you to my associate, Doctor Reaper.

 

by barcodeking
5-25-03
At BarCodeKing Central:
Man, the hits on my blog are way down this month.
What did you expect? You stopped writing about anything of substance after the war in Iraq ended. And this is your first comic in more than a week! Your reader is probably disappointed!
I was burned out! You can't keep up that kind of frenetic pace forever.
I notice you aren't spending three or four hours a day surfing the 'Net any more, either.
I'm resting up in case things heat up in Syria or Iran....
Yeah, and you're making me carry your punch lines here, too. And you call ME lazy just because I like to nap in the sunshine!

 

by barcodeking
6-13-03
Foreigners are weird!
What have they done this time?
It says here that in Indonesia, they're selling scented condoms that smell like "durian" fruit.
What's wrong with fruit-scented condoms?
The article says that non-Indonesians compare the smell of the durian fruit with "stale cheese, old gym shoes or a gas leak," but that Asians like it.
Ewwwww! If it smells like that, he can just keep it in his pants!

 

by barcodeking
7-06-03
July sucks! It's got to be 90 degrees out here! I think I'm going to melt!
Let's sing a little song, brother. You know the one...
"Oh, the weather outside is frighful, but inside it's so delightful..."
"The A-C's set way down low; let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"
Ah, much better. That was too close for comfort!
I can tell you were scared from that little puddle at your feet!

 

by barcodeking
7-18-03
AP Story: Elephants Don't Understand Swedish
Varför auktoriserat inte elefanten korsa den väg?
[In Thai] I'm sorry, I don't understand Swedish.
Jag er lei mig , Jag icke gör det tala Thai.
[In Thai] I'm sorry, I don't understand Swedish.
Apparently, it's mutual.
Nej , den var inte emedan han var en Svensk elefant och viljat till föröva självmord!
[In Thai] I'm sorry, I don't understand Swedish.

 

by barcodeking
7-20-03
Yahoo News: Family Suing Over Hell Prediction at Funeral
Your husband was living in sin, was lukewarm in his faith, and the Lord vomits people like him out of his mouth to hell.
He was too sick to come to church the last year of his life! That's an outrageous thing to say!
What? What did I say?
We'll see you in court!
What's this?
A subpoena from New Mexico. They want to know if someone named Ben Martinez showed up here in the Lord's daily vomit.

 

by barcodeking
7-22-03
Mosul, Iraq. Earlier today.
Looks like we're goners, Uday.
Yeah. See you in Paradise, Qusay.
Hell. Now.
I don't like the looks of this, Uday. Doesn't it seem awfully warm to you?
You'd think Paradise would be air-conditioned! And where are my 72 virgins, Qusay?
Whaddaya think? Should we let them simmer in the fire for awhile or just turn them over to the demons to be sodomized?
I vote for sodomy!

 

by barcodeking
10-18-03
In a Yahoo! Chat Room
These guys are such pigs! They keep asking me to take my clothes off and get on cam naked!
Well, you ARE in a chat room called "Girls Gone Wild!"
So?
Well, that means that somebody ought to be getting naked!
Somehow, I don't think this is what they want...

 

by barcodeking
10-22-03
I feel like I spend my entire life doing what someone else wants me to do.
I know exactly what you mean. It's like I'm constantly being manipulated by unseen forces.
I'm so there! But every once in a while, I get the feeling that I'm not just a puppet dancing to someone else's tune.
It's a fleeting feeling, though, isn't it?
Now that you mention it, yes.
I'd dance with you, but I'm looking for a no-strings-attached relationship.

 

by barcodeking
10-24-03
At My House
Eric Bloodaxe just made 50th level! Dagoth Ur's Ash Vampires and Ascended Sleepers are in trouble now!
Are you still playing that stupid game?
I'm close to the end now. I've got cool magic armor and weapons, and a shield that makes me invisible. I've got 531 hit points and nobody even dents that any more.
Plus this is the first character you've managed not to get killed at one point or another.
Bringing dead characters back from a saved game is cheating! You have to start over!
And that's why you're still playing that stupid game!

 

by barcodeking
11-01-03
Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm hunting wabbit!
I could use a little help here!
And then the blizzard struck...
No trees for you to duck behind, sucker!
Hey, it's not Lawyer Season!

 

by barcodeking
6-10-04
Week 6 of the Liberal Media's Abu Ghraibathon: Rather and Brokaw have a field day
Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraib! Torture! Abu Ghraib! Quagmire! Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraaaaaaaib!
Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraib! Torture! Abu Ghraib! Quagmire! Casualties! Abu Ghraaaaaaaib!
And then something happens to break the rhythm
Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraib! Torture! Abu Ghraib! Quagmire! Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraaaaaaaib!
Reagan dies...
Rather and Brokaw are unhappy
Reagan's death has been OVER-COVERED! There's other news! Iraq is getting short shrift! Quagmire! Casualties! Abu Ghraaaaaaaaib!
Yeah, we have a president to unelect here! Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraib! Torture! Quagmire! Abu Ghraib! Abu Ghraaaaaaaaaib!!

 

by barcodeking
10-21-04
Undecided voters #1
Who are you going to vote for?
I dunno. Who are you going to vote for?
I dunno either. But I asked you first!
I haven't made up my mind yet.
Well, you don't make over $200,000 a year, so Kerry's not gonna clip you, right?
That thought is sheared, sheared! into my brain.

 

by barcodeking
10-22-04
Undecided voter meets John Kerry
I'm still undecided...
You're not a goose, are you?
Of course not! I'm a sheep!
Blast it! I simply must kill a goose or the handlers won't let me come back to the campaign bus.
Sorry, Senator, I can't help you.
Could you maybe pretend like you have wings and flap them for the benefit of the photographers?

 

by barcodeking
10-30-04
Binny's Back
Yes, infidels, it is I, Osama bin Laden! No, I wasn't a DNA smear at the bottom of Tora Bora like you thought!
The 9/11 attacks were all your own fault for helping the Jews! We didn't hit wimpy countries like Sweden that were minding their own business.
But you have that Bush guy, misleading you, reading "My Pet Goat" and making poor innocent Muslims into martyrs by the tens of thousands.
But to show how nice we are, if you leave us alone, we'll leave you alone. Don't mess with us, we won't mess with you. Really.
So you have a choice on Tuesday: Elect the guy who won't stick his nose in other people's business, or get another four years of hell!
"I'm John Kerry and I approved this message."

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