All comics by djte

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by djte
2-17-04
Let's be sentimental for a minute and have a retrospective look at my previous and current incarnations
hmmm... I wonder how that last one slipped by quality control...

 

by djte
2-17-04
and while i'm still being sentimental, here's a look at different friends, character, and cameos from throughout the year... first is jared and marshall
and marshall and gray
wasn't i just a chessboard?
looking good, man
finally, a shout-out to the Prolific and Gifted, Mike Thomas and Brendo (shout-out to WhiteMonkey for showing me the perfect portrayal of brendo, aka, the cheef!)
waddup playa
DRRUUUGGGSSS

 

by djte
2-17-04
Matt, today is our anniversary
Yeah, I remember. That's why we made it three day's after Valentine's Day
so it's good that we can still communicate after three years, right?

 

by djte
2-17-04
perhaps i wasn't too clear in the last strip the reason WHY we don't communicate as much... now presenting TRUE STORIES OF PARENTHOOD AS GRADUATE STUDENTS
hey, how was your class today?
it was fine, i...
meanwhile in the adjoining room
i want a pop-tart and green ice cream and turn the t.v. on something for me, no not dragon tales, something else i want a movie i want to go play i don't want to eat green beans i want to run and jump
after attending to the needs of a three year old...
you were saying something about being intellecutally stimulated?
god, i don't even remember. i'm going to bed

 

by djte
2-19-04
Well it's that time again... more enlightening tales of idiocy from my students
So, I told my students that I would hand back their papers tomorrow, but in my infinite generosity, I decided to go back over a few of the lower grades to make sure that they deserved them
I'm glad that i did this because one that i had put on the borderline of C/D I realized that not only did the student double space between paragraphs, but he put the left margin at 1-1/2"
and the bottom margin at 1-3/4"
Let's just say that he fell of that borderline pretty quickly.

 

by djte
2-20-04
What are you doing?
Just hanging around

 

by djte
2-20-04
So why is it that we are always the default characters? Is it some kind of gimmick?
Don't you know what we're doing? We're waiting.
Who are we waiting for?
If you didn't see this coming, then you need to read more
We're waiting for Godot

 

by djte
2-23-04
What do we want?
Delayed gratification!
When do we want it?
Later!

 

by djte
2-25-04
At last, the brilliance of Te has been recognized
well, i finally got a postive vote that got rid of my zero stars.
Well, at least recognized by a friend motivated by pity
Not really dude, I was just helping you out and making you feel better
yes, but that doesn't change the fact that i now have postive votes
Hell, I'll take pity votes, cuz i'm a whore like that
what do you care? You don't post to the forums and nobody reads this except your friends. besides, check out the comment i left on you
dammit. you win. and you're right. I will have to up the weight level i fail at when we work out, just because i'm a masochist. and it makes me look cool. beefcake

 

by djte
3-02-04
Listen now to the bitter raging of a man unable to truly express contempt when it is deserved
I find that too often, teachers are too lenient in the comments made on crappy papers and midterms. Most will likely stick to "this needs work" or "don't do this..." instead, we should be mean.
For instance, many papers had a vague thesis statement and a really good description of what they had done at the END of the paper. For this I would write:
"thank god i found your thesis. The first was so vague that i was stumbling around in the dark throughout the body of your paper hoping for a sense of your intentions and THERE it is at the END"
For other, crappier papers, I would bring out the big guns. Such as:
"You write like a Faulknerian man-child". However, I'm hesitant to use this because they might think I am actually comparing them to Faulkner. *sigh*

 

by djte
3-04-04
I just found out all about what working out is like. Why don't you tell it Gray?
Well, all weight loss comes from shocking the muscle system. So the best way to keep losing weight is to continually vary your workout so you don't fall into a pattern.
Sounds good. Why don't we re-enact a workout then?
I am the personified embodiment of your workout. Time to shock your muscular system
Well, it IS time to workout. Bring on the shock to the system
BOO!!!
holy fucking shit that was a great workout. You scared all the fat off! Now if you could just help me and pick up my liver... I might need that

 

by djte
3-17-04
It's been awhile, let's check in on the comics of my friends...
what's up man? I like self-depricating humor, too
excellent.
Whitemonkey crazy Whitemonkey crazy Whitemonkey crazyWhitemonkey crazyWhitemonkey crazy Whitemonkey absent long time
well... that's pretty much status quo...
I have 266 comics and I've been registered since Janurary... how are you doing?
well, it only took me a year and a half to reach 100.... cock.

 

by djte
3-30-04
All quotes are (mostly) real. The names have been changed to protect the fucking ignorant. My lines were enhanced to show what I really wanted to say.
I don't like Thoreau. I think he's a communist.
*sigh* I didn't want to open this can of worms, but here we go... Thoreau could not have been a communist. Look at the date. He wrote this in 1845, 20 years before Marx was writing.
What is more, I think the term you were looking for is "socialist" because the term communism only became well known after Marx used it. So your comment is anachronistic and wrong
................
All of five minutes go by before...
Thoreau was obviously a communist so we shouldn't listen to him
mother fucker

 

by djte
3-30-04
So I went and saw Dawn of the Dead alone late at night last week. It didn't scare me, but driving home in a small town at midnight made me think this would happen
What's the matter?
I just saw "Dawn of the Dead"
So you thought I was going to eat you?
Something like that.
Why? Do you havea something against the living impaired?
Dammit, I should say yes, but my liberal conscience won't let me. DAMN YOU OPEN MIND!!!

 

by djte
4-12-04
John Kerry voted for legalizing abortions... so he could eat the fetuses
it's true
John Kerry wants to raid out nations cemetaries so that his cronies can come out and eat you
it's true
Who would you rather have in office? A zombie or a retarded cowboy who only supports his buddie? paid for by the BushCheated04 campaign team
vooooooote fooooor meeeeeeeee.... braaaaaiiinns
.....ummm i'd actually rather have the zombie.

 

by djte
4-12-04
Bush is a retarded cowboy
I believe that man and fish can peacefully coexist
He started a war on false pretenses then tried to change our reasons for going to war
WMDs? No, we went there to LIBERATE Iraq
Isn't a zombie better than a war-mongering mongoloid?
i want to get electerated this year

 

by djte
4-12-04
This is Ralph Nader
I look younger than I am
He is a hippy
I got seat belts installed in cars and hate big corporations
Do you really want someone who will actually change things in office? This November, vote status quo. Jointly paid for by Bush and Kerry.

 

by djte
4-27-04
for the references i am making in this strip, go here: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2004/4/25/15470/5398
Apparently Karen Hughes, a woman in the Bush admistration had this to say about people who are pro-choice:
"I think that after September 11, the American people are valuing life more and we need policies to value the dignity and worth of every life," she said. "President Bush has worked to say,
let's work to value life, let's reduce the number of abortions, let's increase adoptions. And I think those are the kinds of policies the American people can support, particularly at a time when we're
at a time when we're facing an enemy and, really, the fundamental issue between us and the terror network we fight is that we value every life.
Thank you asian correspondents. Let's see, if you're pro-choice then you're a terrorist, just like according to Secretary of Education Rod Paige if you believe in teacher's unions you're a terrorist.
Well, i guess i'd better quit my un-American activities. God, who would have thought that civil rights and unions would be un-American?

 

by djte
4-27-04
Hello me, mee the real me
and my misfit ways of life
a dark past is my most valued possession
hindsight is always 20-20...nice story tell it to reader's digest
sometime after the show...
so...you're still on heroin, right?
totally, how could you tell?

 

by djte
5-09-04
wankers

 

by djte
5-09-04
hmmm... it's sunday, maybe i should go to church...what reason do i have not to?
last time i was in church...
owwww...goddammit, why?!?
oh yeah... that whole atheism thing...

 

by djte
5-09-04
so today's mother's day. what would you like?
oh nothing, just a reminder that i pushed a child the size of a grapefruit out of a hole the size of a lemon for fourteen hours while you just stood there smiling.
...
sooo.... we're not having sex tonight?
*sigh*

 

by djte
5-09-04
and in other news... it seems that donald rumsfeld has not been asked to resign but promoted by President Bush to the newly created position of "King of California"...oh god, what's that?!?!
oh nothing, just your local neighborhood media assassin...
HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!
happy mother's day, mom! Thanks for bringing me back, te!

 

by djte
5-14-04
¿Por qué?
¡Porque!

 

by djte
5-14-04
hey i don't get your last comic
what does it mean?
puta

 

by djte
5-22-04
Cock-a-doodle-doo
cock-a-doodle...
cock

 

by djte
6-12-04
So last week, a friend of mine subjected...i mean showed me "Story of Ricky", a Chinese movie from the '80s that is over the top with gore. Let's go over the highlights
hmmm... this is a prison, yet somehow all the inmates wander around whenever they want to, and even open their cells on their own...
*note: this is where that cool clip came from of the dude smashing the other dude's head
wow, that guy just punched through that dude's head, just like Craig Kilborn's clip on the Daily Show's Five Questions*
and the prime highlight of the movie:
wow, that guy cut open his stomach in what looked like seppuku, then used his intestines to strangle Ricky in a last-ditch effort to win the battle. THEN he ran for 50 yards eviserating himself.
THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING COOL, especially because it defies all the rules of logic.

 

by djte
6-27-04
introducing.... Ralph the Masochistic Pirate and his friend Surly (you might remember him)
Hey Ralph, isn't that your ex-girlfriend, the one who cheated on you with about five different guys.... while you were in the room?
arrr.. yes.
and didn't you STAY in the room for another hour and half after you realized what was going on? and didn't she also verbally abuse you?
yes and yes.
jesus he really is a masochist
so what the fuck are you doing?
i'm going to go talk to her. maybe things will work out between us.

 

by djte
7-26-04
arrr... I'm Ralph the Masochistic Pirate
ummm.... konnichiwa I am a stereotype
so would you like to come home with me?
*sigh* me love you long time. by the way i have gonorrhea
hmmm.... well i am a masochist and i will not make a pun on the word booty. let's go

 

by djte
9-13-04
It's time for.... MORE STORIES OF STUPIDITY. Here's your host... Matt!
Ok, I know it's been awhile, but here are some fine examples of stupidity. For instance, this is a word for word transcription of an answer to the question "compare and contrast the use of satire by
Alexander Pope and Jonathan Swift"
"Pope's use of satire is one of a not a serious satire as Swift's. He shows us how upper class society trives so much on things that are not important"
My head hurts from just typing that shit in. I mean, really. What the fuck does "trive" mean?

 

by djte
9-13-04
Here's another prime example. THe question: Compare and contrast the notion of "reason" as it is discussed in the works of Milton and Pope. How does it change from the 17th to the 18th Century?
Milton and Pope us epic forms but in different ways. He use epic b/c it was the superior way to write at this point and time. Paradise Lost had a hero who had a huge character flaw. Satan and flaw
his pride. During story Adam and Eve were the people being tested. Pope use different epic.
It goes on, but I had to cut it off for sanity's sake

 

by djte
9-13-04
Now it's time for an unlicensed crossover!!
What's up man? I heard you were having student problems. I can totally sympathize
Yeah, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em and hide them under the stairs in the basement
That was...eerily specific
meh
So we're agreed?
Right. Teaching would be great if it weren't for those damn students

 

by djte
9-13-04
Marshall is in the office next to me. He made a list of end of conversations we can be having to scare the crap out of our students if they come to visit us.
So I was like "okay, fine maybe it was me that threw the damn tomahawk. but you know, it's not like that bitch ade any effort do dodge!"
"it wasn't until the other dog blew up that i knew we were fucked"
"and i was yelling 'the silver bullets!! Use the SILVER bullets you dumbfuck!!' God rest his soul"
"It wasn't until the next day that we found out it had been a MALE horse all along. Does that make me gay?"
"I finally told him 'Look, if you got bitten by a rabid nun, then YES, God probably does hate you'"
I was like 'lay off, officer. I mean, do you have any appreciation for the skill it took to take a dump up there?'"

 

by djte
9-13-04
"But despite all that, my cell-mate and I still stay in touch"
"luckily she turned out to not be my sister after all. I could still use a drink, though
"and the doctor said that the stitches in my rectum can come out next week. Obviously we're not going back THERE to play D&D"
"That's when we discovered that the vomit didn't belong to either of us. She still won't return my phone calls. She was hot, too."
"Funny thing was, there were only two of them, so we never did figure out where that fifth leg came from"
"HELL YEAH I'm still pissed! I mean, Tommy might still be alive if that slut hadn't tried to get it on with the paramedic. I guess I shouldn't talk about his mom like that, but DAMN!

 

by djte
9-13-04
Dude... I read the last two comics...and...
yeah?
hmmm.... how do I put this...
You guys are totally fucked up. But can I use some of those for my students
You bet

 

by djte
9-19-04
Eminem's proteges are like light beer. Not quite as good as the original, but ok in a pinch
"and this is my favorite song. I sing along when the dj throws it on
and if i leave here tonight and I fall asleep
taken from Obie Trice "Got Some Teeth" from the album "Cheers"
I wake up, hopin that she got some teeth"

 

by djte
9-24-04
...so what i love about the internet is that you can shamelessly rip off everyone. Like the other day, i totally ripped off a gag from Mocha_Monk
...wait... he's right behind me isn't he?
and pissed as hell! can you say lawsuit be-yotch?

 

by djte
9-24-04
I'm telling you I didn't rip you off, it was an interpolation
uh-huh... so how do you explain the "right behind you gag"?
I'm Nate and I like wangs.
a-hem. uh, not now Nate, I'm talking to Mike here...
Come on, you've read Jung. This is all a bunch of synchronicity
fuck you dude. you're such an asshole

 

by djte
9-24-04
So I was talking to Randall. Seems he's got some women problems out there in Vegas. What's out there is either married or crazy.
And what's wrong with that? If the boy is in a drought, you can't really even turn crazy away.
Oh, so you'd take the crazy?
I've done it before and I'll do it again, tell him to ship that shit here FedEx.
That's quite a distance, I'm not sure it'll keep.
At this point, it's just gotta be warm and wet. He can put it in one of those Dominos bags if he wants.

 

by djte
9-24-04
so how do you explain that last comic? all you did was replace B with yourself. Other than that it was a direct rip off of the original with no innovation or originality
well... umm...
the thing is... I was going to change my screen name from djte to "te Diddy"". I think that will give me the leeway to do this sort of thing
man, that's fucking cold. But oh so true
"the D the I the D the D the Y that's djte..."

 

by djte
10-27-04
these are paraphrases, but they come from an actual interview
Let me clarify my position on gay marriage. I never said I'm against civil unions. If they want to do that, it's ok with me.
flashback to the Republican National Convention
I am against any form of homosexual union, especiall that is condoned by activist judges
the interviewer tries to reconcile this, but only creates a bigger logical hole
so, this means that you're going against your own platform that you stated at the RNC?
Yes, I'm against that platform. If only I were powerful enough to change it

 

by djte
10-27-04
you're inconsistent
so are you, but you veil it in machismo
you can't correctly lead the war on terrorism because you actually like the UN
you are an arrogant chickenhawk prick who has never actually been in combat and thus has no conception of how to go to war or what the troops will experience
*god, if only Kerry were as liberal as everyone wishes he was. then this country might not be in the shitter
you're liberal
actually, if you look at my voting record (which you once were quick to), no I'm not*. but you're an arrogant douche. sorry bush, but it looks like you have force on your side, all i have are facts

 

by djte
10-27-04
i saw this advertisement that Bush is using to court Latinos. Here was the motto:-
"el presidente Bush. Nos sabemos".
the motto is "we know". We know what? what you are doing right now? what you are thinking? absolutely nothing? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!

 

by djte
10-31-04
It's Halloween
eeeeerrrrrr.......
and I watched "Dawn of the Dead" last night
voooooottttttteee
so this might not be funny. and it might be overdone. but i feel it is an obligation
KKKKKEEEEEERRRRRRYYYYYY

 

by djte
11-14-04
Ol' Dirty Batard died today.
The world mourns for him, but most especially WhiteMonkey, Mocha_Monk, ArkaneCrowstar (aka Garrett the THomas twins and myself) and myself are in mourning
there's no punchline to this strip. just one line from ODB in memorium: "god made dirt and dirt'll bust yo ass". we'll miss your crazy ass ways. Wu Tang will never be the same without you

 

by djte
2-06-05
Gray says i need to make a comic
Make a comic you prick
Ok i made a comic
You said absolutely nothing about it being funny
asshole

 

by djte
2-21-05
Hunter S Thompson died yesterday
He shot himself
Fuck, dude. I just can't comprehend it all.

 

by djte
3-15-05
hey bitch i fucked your twat so hard that when you sat on your father's lap your twat sucked him inside
yeah that's right i say things that are fucking gross and make no logical sense. vaginal droppings. twat crust. anal leakage.
when i fucked your mom last night she screamed so hard that my dick rammed right through her and came out of her throat and left a mark on the headboard.
dude, what in the FUCK are you talking about?

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