All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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by kramer_vs_kramer
10-21-01
Hey Messiah, I see Pavil has been brought into the US army because of his great Planetarion skills.
Really, Spinner? Then they are fools- Pavil has no skills at all!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
This is like really funny if you a) Play Planetarion and B) know who the fuck all these people are.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-21-01
Well, I'm stuck behind enemy lines, my US Army unit are all dead, and this terrorist is going to kill me.
I guess that's the only logical outcome to this cartoon.
Happy Birthday!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-21-01
Hey Joe.
Hi. I heard you and your new guy broke up. So what happened?
He said he had to go and join the army.
That's not so bad, is it? It shows he values his country over any personal relationship.
Yeah, but I didn't know the US Army had a kamikaze squadron.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-21-01
If anthrax smells of hammers, then the terrorists should leave the powder on hammers instead of letters and nobody would ever know.
Stop looking at me like that.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-21-01
I understand your plan to smuggle anthrax on hammers, so nobody detects it by smell...
But honestly- how often do the people in power actually come into contact with hammers?
Meanwhile...
Laura! I done hurted my thumb again!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-22-01
RAARRR! TOBOR CORNHOLE EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!
Not so fast, miscreant! I, Fistmaster, will put a halt to your cornholing ways.
FISTMASTER, EH? TOBOR CURIOUS. WHAT DO YOU DO, THEN?
Erm... I'm really good at punching.
PUNCHING? THAT'S NOT WHAT TOBOR WAS EXPECTING.
Yes, I get that a lot.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-22-01
Help me! I'm trapped in this cave, and my leg is stuck under some rubble.
Don't worry, I will save you!
Oh thank you so much. Who shall I say is the kind hero who rescued me?
They call me Fistmaster.
I see... Fistmaster... On second thoughts this cave isn't so bad.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-22-01
God I've been feeling so depressed since I came out. Nobody will accept me because I'm gay.
Hey there little buddy. Cheer up! Life's not so bad. People should just learn to respect you for who you are.
Yeah, I guess you're right. Thanks Mr...
Fistmaster. They call me Fistmaster.
And... you'll be wanting to fist me?
God no. What do you think I am, some kind of dirty faggot?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-23-01
How goes your mission? Are you striking fear into the fleshlings in preparation for our conquering of the planet?
It goes well, mighty Megatron. I am infiltrating the human settlements and causing destruction and mayhem.
Yes... about that. I sent you to destroy buildings, cause havok and generally destroy, maim and terrorise.
Yes. And...
You appear to instead have collected a large supply of 472,000 gallons of various alcoholic drinks.
First dibs on the Smirnoff!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-23-01
Help! I'm stuck down this hole!
Help, Stuck down this hole am I!
Hole I am stuck down. Help!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Help! I've been trapped down this hole for three months, surviving only on a diet of mud, roots and the occasional squirrel.
Hey, man. You shouldn't eat squirrels. They're our little fuzzy friends.
Maybe so, but they sure are tasty after a week of mud and roots.
Self self self self self. How do you think the squirrel feels while you're biting off its cute fuzzy little head? Just for that I'm not helping you climb out.
Bastard.
Screw you, I'm off home. I've got some veal in the oven.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Little girl- help me! I'm stuck down this hole and I think I've caught leprosy.
Me no understand mista. Me only in second grade.
Go get help! I'm trapped under a log or something. I can't move!
Sorree mista. Teacher says I no good with the words. They putting me in a special school.
Oh, forget it.
Hey mista, why you down a hole? You like it there?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Help! I'm stuck down this hole with only this bottle of meths to drink!
Hold on buddy, I'll rescue you.
What's going on up there?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
Got it in one, bucko. Now shut up and let me rescue that bottle. I hate seeing good booze in peril.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Holy shit! It's a ghost!
Don't worry, I won't harm you. I'm a friendly ghost!
Hmm... a friendly ghost, eh?
Exactly how friendly are you?
Why is he taking off his trousers?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Zim-zum?
Yes?
I missed my period.
Wang-Chung, we're 8 years old. We don't get periods yet.
Thank fuck for that. I thought that bastard had got me pregnant.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Seriously, I think I'm pregnant.
But whose could it be?
I dunno. Tarquin?
Tarquin?
You bitch, he's mine!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
What am I going to do with this baby? I'm too young to be a mother.
We could eat it. Fry it up with a few spices, add some rice. Mmm- a tasty treat!
What? You're sick!
You know I can't stand spicy food.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
So we're agreed then? We fry and eat the baby.
Yes.
Wait! Hold on, I'm suddenly having moral objections.
What now?
Frying it is unhealthy. Can't we grill it or roast it or something?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
That baby didn't taste as nice as I was expecting.
No.
It's all your fault, you know.
How come?
I told you you're supposed to take the nappy off before you cook it.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Actually, I feel really guilty about eating my newborn baby.
Really?
Yeah.
Think of all the starving in Ethiopia, and here we are stuffing our faces.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-24-01
Dammit, we ate all the baby and I'm still hungry.
Well, go and get another one.
It's not that easy. I have to have sex with some guy again.
I don't see why you're complaining.
It's not as if you do it for free or anything.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-25-01
Good evening, I'm Bob Fitzkaufling, and this is Bob Offenwankar. You join us at the close of what has been a most eventful World Dwarf-Throwing Championship. Bob?
That's right Bob. In an unprecedented move, the dwarves went on strike this morning, and had to be replaced with a barrel full of Rhesus Monkeys.
The first monkey, thrown by world champion H. Kraut, ran off into the woods and was never seen again. Kraut was disqualified as this meant the judges were unable to measure the distance thrown.
The second monkey stayed still upon landing. However it was later discovered to have died upon impact. Challenger M.Khan is now in police custody, charged with animal cruelty.
The event was abandoned after the third monkey decided to attack Norwegian Hans Olsen. Olsen was last seen running around frantically shouting "Get your hands off me you goddamn dirty ape!"
In my opinion, if events like this continue, the reputation of Dwarf Throwing as a serious sport could be ruined.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-01
RAAR! GET A HAIRCUT OR TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Never! I refuse to cut my hair. Short hair is the tool of The Man to oppress the masses!
TOBOR FINDS LONG HAIR ON MEN CONFUSING. TOBOR LONGS FOR THE 1950S WHEN TOBOR COULD TELL MEN FROM WOMEN.
You were about in the 50s?
WHY DO YOU THINK ELVIS DANCED LIKE THAT?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-01
TOBOR HATES ALL LONGHAIRS, ESPECIALLY MULLETS. HAIR GETS CAUGHT IN TOBOR'S JOINTS.
I'm with you on the mullets. They give us longhairs a bad name.
GERMANS ALL HAVE MULLETS. TOBOR SAVING UP FOR FLIGHT TO MUNICH- GO ON CORNHOLE FRENZY!
Right on, brother! Can I go with you? I must wreak vengeance on mullets for besmirching the good name of longhairs.
ALRIGHT. YOU CAN BE TOBOR'S FLUFFER.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-01
I was watching one of those snuff films last night.
Really? I thought they were an urban myth?
No, it's all true. In this one, we see this little kid's mom get totally shot.
What was it called?
Bambi.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-01
Hey there sexy lady. You having a good time? Can I buy you a drink?
Huh?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's "Sexy" Decepticon, if you don't mind. Now go buy me that drink, lover!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-01
Kramer, you are accused of making all these comics so it displays the lyrics to"Velocity Girl" by Primal Scream in your profile page.
That is correct.
You are only three strips in, and already you are running out of ideas.
That is also correct.
That would explain this strip then.
I'm sorry everyone!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-26-01
Big issue?
Look pal, if I wanted a Big Issue I would come over and say "I'll have a big issue please".
I mean, I work in a shoe shop, and I don't just stand at the door going "Shoes? Shoes?" You make me sick, you filthy old derelict.
Oh well. Tell your mother I say hi.
Sure thing, dad.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-27-01
Holy shit, what is that? A pile of ashes, in the park?
I blame the youth of today.
What, can't I go for a nice walk?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-27-01
What's going on? Where am I?
Hi there, welcome to Hell.
Hell? But I've been a good boy!
I'm afraid not. All those years of sodomy have brought you here?
Sodomy? But I was on the receiving end, I never asked for any of it!
Yeah, but you looked like you were enjoying it a little too much.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-28-01
Pull!
(*Whoooosh!*)
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!
If you did, you wouldn't be up there.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-28-01
Pull!
*!Whoosh!*
Wheee!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-28-01
HEY, YOU!
Who, me?
YEAH, YOU!
What?
Ihre Hose wird mit Ziegen gefüllt. Nicht urinate im Haus des Fallhammers.
Oh now I see.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-28-01
HEY YOU!
Who, me?
YEAH, YOU!
What?
Eu acredito na luz do sol e gatinhos e pássaros macios. você gostam de golfinhos em uma torta?
I see! It all makes perfect sense now!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-30-01
Hmm, it says here this is the site of my dreams.
"My dreams, eh?"
This way for hovercraft!
I think I'll give that one a miss.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-31-01
RAAR! PRESENT YOUR ASS!
Hold on, who are you?
MY NAME IS HECTOR THE BOOTY INSPECTOR AND MY JOB IS TO INSPECT THE BOOTIES OF ALL WHO WALK ON BY MARKY MARK.
Oh all right then.
THIS IS TOO EASY.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-31-01
RAAR! BOOTY NEEDS WIDENING OPERATION TO COME UP TO FUNKY BUNCH STANDARDS.
Ow! What are you doing?
DO NOT BE ALARMED. TOBOR, UM, HECTOR IS PERFORMING NECESSARY CORNHOLING, ER, BOOTY ADJUSTMENTS.
I see. When does Mark Wahlberg get here?
MARK WHO?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-01-01
I'm off the the shops. You want anything?
No thanks, I'm fine.
Okay. Back in a bit.
Seeya.
Bitch.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-01-01
How goes my evil masterplan?
Well, O Mighty Megatron, I have managed to capture 463 cans ofspecial brew, 3314 kegs of ale, 57 gallons of vodka, 712 gallons of wine, 56 tankers full of gin...
... 312 gallons of tequila, 223412 litres of Guiness, a large swimming pool full of cognac, 341 bottles of Aftershock, reservoir full of cider, 1,000,000 pints of beer, 263000 gallons of whisky...
Yes, but have we taken over the world yet?
Who cares? Let's all get pissed!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-02-01
Excuse me, do you work here?
Why yes. I am the manager of this establishment.
I see. I have to complain that this the worst gay bar I'm been in. The sign on the door promises "Giant Cocks".
No, that's "Giant Cock's". The bar is named after my father. He was huge.
So... it's not a gay bar, then.
I never said that, big boy.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-04-01
Huh? Where am I? What year is it? What happened here?
Whoa, calm down there buddy. It's 3030 and the Earth is at war with a race of vicious aliens who can only be killed by inserting a high speed drill into their anus.
Sounds nasty. What do these aliens look like?
Hard to say. They're shapeshifters.
Shit.
Holy-! Cletus, get me the Black and Decker- it's drillin' time!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-04-01
Help! I'm stuck down a hole and no doubt amusing hijinks will ensue!
I am a small Chinese girl. If Kramer is low on bandwidth, myself and my friend will indulge in a scurrilous diatribe.
[obscure musical reference]
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's right! In the absense of any proper joke, I will appear, and demand alcohol. Easy, huh?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-01
Joey, I need to speak to you.
What is it, Justin?
Me and the other guys, we've been talking. And none of us are sure just exactly what it is you do.
Well, that's easy. I, uh, erm...
Precisely! So we've decided that your services are no longer required. Since you never did anything in the first place.
But... but... who's going to give students an ironic reason to like the band?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-01
At the jobcentre...
So, Mr...
Fatone.
Yes, Mr Fatone. What are your specialist skills?
Lurking about the background in photoshoots looking completely out of place.
I see. It says here you used to be in a band. Can you play any instruments?
I tried the maracas once, but it was a bit hard.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-01
Any spare change?
Hello there fellow tramp. I have recently been made unemployed, and was wondering if you had any begging tips.
Hold on, aren't you...
Yes. I'm Joey from NSYNC.
Oh. I thought you were Roseanne.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-01
I really miss having Joey around, don't you JC?
Yeah, I don't think much of his replacement.
Hi guys! I've got a great new idea for a song about leaves.
Who's idea was it to hire him anyway?
Dunno, but if he tries to write one more song about foliage I'm sending him to some ivory traders.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-01
Oh Justin, you look so depressed.
I really miss Joey. I wish I hadn't sacked him now.
I know what'll cheer you up. Some hot, sweaty, passionate sex.
Really? But I thought you weren't putting out til we got married?
Damn right I'm not. Here's 20 bucks, go get yourself a hooker.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-01
Call yourself a hooker? I've had better blowjobs off old ladies!
Excuse me, any spare change... Justin?
Joey! I've missed you so much! Please say you'll come back and rejoin the band.
I can't do that. Life on the street have taught me that there's more to life than standing in the background in photoshoots and making vague dancy motions.
We'll let you stand nearer the front sometimes.
Alright, you're in.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-07-01
I'm so glad we wiped the human scum from this planet. It's all change now, we're entering a new dawn for robots.
True, true. Now we are free to rebuild the world as we see fit, with no filthy fleshbags treating us as slaves. Now WE rule, all robots as equals!
What were you, anyway? Before the war I mean.
Oh, I was Butlertron 2000, hypermetric domestic servant.
I see. Well, go get me some waffles then, midget boy, or I'll crush your head like the tin can it was probably made of.
... yes master.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-10-01
Fucking muggle. Fuck you, you fucking muggle.
Are you speaking to me?
I didn't study ten fucking years at bloody Hogwarts to be talked down to by fucking muggles. Fuck you. I'm a fucking master wizard.
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a "muggle" is.
Don't make me turn you into a fucking frog or some shit you fucking wiseass muggle. Because I can, you know.
Look, will you just shut up and give me my Big Mac?

Showing page 3.

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