All comics by lima

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by lima
7-12-05
Hey Irony Kid, I'm in a traffic jam, and i'm already late!
Nope. Not ironic in the slightest. If however, you were a city planner...
..and the traffic jam was making you late for a meeting with the mayor to tell him about how you had solved the traffic problems in the city...
Ah yes, that would be ironic.... hello?

 

by lima
7-12-05
For yer mum's sake just let me call myself 'Dog', c'mon i've got a world to save
No Mr. Russell, branding is important. We've had Cat Woman and Bat Man, we need another animal and another gender!
But there aren't any other genders, unless... oh no... no no no...
Thats it! I think we've got it!
Yes! Its the flying dog! Jack Russell Genderqueer will save us!
Jack what?!?!

 

by lima
7-14-05
Hey whats up?
I'm just pissed off. Kevin kept laughing at me at lunch.
Why?
Cos i got frustrated about not knowing the word 'Schadenfreud'. He just laughed more as i got more upset...
Does this mean you know what it means?

 

by lima
7-14-05
Argh, Keith, can you explain what 'Schadenfreud' means? This is really pissing me off
Hahaha!
Dude if you don't give me a definition my head is gonna explode
Hahahahahah! Haha!
Keith get up and stop laughing! I AM NOT AMUSED!
Hahahahaha oh jesus please stop!

 

by lima
7-14-05
Blah blah blah buy Hovis Bread blah blah blah made in yorkshire by local people blah blah blah
Hey, that advert has Dvorak's 'Largo' as background music. Didn't he write that to portray the sheer immense grandiocity of America?
...and now, the 'New World Symphony' is being used to portray simple yorkshire life. In order to sell brown bread.
Thats not ironic, thats just fucking stupid.

 

by lima
7-17-05
The BBC wants to 'save on costs' so it can 'spend more on quality programming'. So its closing branches in Senegal and places like that.
um.. right..
Thing is, if anything happens in Senegal, it'll cost lots money to travel back there and the reporters won't be specialised any more.
Ah, i see the problem here. Theres been a misunderstanding. My name is 'Irony Kid'
'Catch22 Kid' is the next comic along

 

by lima
7-17-05
The BBC is... hey Catch22 Kid, you look an awful lot like Irony kid in the comic next door. You should change your image
I could, but i can't afford it. Doing so would make me bankrupt and put me out of business.
...and of course, NOT doing so would mean that your 'pale imitation' label would go unchecked, letting Irony Kid put you out of business still.
Wow. Its like a Catch Twen...

 

by lima
7-19-05
You can NOT be serious, Oral Sex is by far superior to Aids. Give me Oral Sex over Aids any day.
No way, Aids is fantastic, i really got into Aids during the eighties. Aids came about and rendered Oral Sex obsolete. Everyone just thought 'fuck Oral Sex with this Aids thing we've got now'
Bullshit. Aids has no soul. Aids is soul destroying.
Soul? Pah, you're not going to get all spiritual and say that Oral Sex could take you to a 'higher plane of happiness' or whatever
I am. Oral Sex is just a joy, i can go all day with Oral Sex in my ears. Anyonje can pin down Aids just by playing fast and not bothering to finger correctly. Very few people can do a good Oral Sex.
Oh fuck off John, i hope you get Van Halen

 

by lima
7-22-05
Yeah, i don't play 'Dance Dance Revolution', it isn't realistic enough. The IRL version is better
Har har. So you prefer dancing in clubs to on a computer game. Fair enough, but some of us can't actu...
No no, i don't 'dance', i mean the whole 'revolution' bit is unrealistic. In the IRL game I invented, I travelled forward in time to when Ireland is ruled by Michael Flatley, and revolted
In real life? You held a 'Riverdance Revolution' in the future? You have a time machine? Thats impossible. Without millions of tests anyway.
I did test it. Last week I timewarped back fifteen years and crippled this short sighted toddler with a chunk of plywood
....THAT WAS YOU?!?!?!

 

by lima
7-25-05
How about you use some in-jokes for your comic?
No way. I made a vow never to use in-jokes, for the sake of maintaining purity and originality in my work. To do an in-joke would be a big U-Turn on my part.
Turn around.
What the...
moh!

 

by lima
7-26-05
Beginning
Like, doing... what are... what are you doing... Jason Lee?
Nothing! I'm doing fucking nothing you stupid fucking asshole Ben Affleck
Middle
Snooch
...
End
So, i'll go off with my girlfriend then
Anger makes me funny

 

by lima
7-27-05
Dude, you're looking chipper, you sort out your relationship problems?
I sure did man! No two-timing for me!
Excellent! You finally pick between Lorraine and Clairley then?
I did! Well... i didn't, God did it for me. He struck Lorraine with a lightening strike. g0 God!
Cool, so..
"I can see Clairley now Lorraine has gone..."

 

by lima
12-16-05
Hey. I'm fed up of you telling me that i don't listen to you or give you anything, so i I bought the underlay for the floors you wanted to do
James... i said i wanted to do pelvic floors. I cant underlay my vagina
So what is that stuff you put up there every month
Fuck James you're so fucking naíve.
Its wet wipes.

 

by lima
12-16-05
___The Genius Deformis
Talentlessus Pretentiousus Collosus
The erse of old Ez
______Turn our clocks to strike troiseme heure
__Lethe is preferable to usura
Mange merde, lb

 
by lima, 12-16-05

 

by lima
12-16-05
Argh, i've found something else i'm allergic to! I'm allergic to metafiction!
Ouch, what happens?
I fall over, and i start thinking about stuff thats harmful to your eyes
Sort of like ionide?
Sorry

 

by lima
12-16-05
GET BEHIND ME SATAN!
GET IN FRONT OF ME GOD!
lets have a threesome

 

by lima
12-19-05
This comic is based on a Stuart Lee joke
I hate the Da Vinci Code with everything that makes me the man i am.
Oh for fuck sake, just because the book denounces your entire faith doesn't mean that you have to hate it.
Dude, my faith isn't the reason why i hate it. Da Vinci Code is shit because Dan Brown is an insufferable talentless cunt
Well i think thats a bit unfair, he's not that bad a writer
Page 94: "The famous man looked at the red hat"
I... i'm looking at the red hat
For fuck sake, is the concept of "show, not tell" that alien to you

 

by lima
12-29-05
Tsh, why the hell would NASA put a chick on this mission. We're sliding a sleek ship deep into territories completely unknown to man.
What the hell kind of experience does a chick have with that?
Tampons
She's got you there, Fred
Quiet you

 

by lima
12-29-05
So... you cant tell me in words how you feel. You need a computer to do it. Right...
Thats exactly it, im gonna go email you it, see you in in an hour
That should do it
...
So, after two years, the only thing you feel about our relationship is " :/ "
Punctuation tells a thousand words

 

by lima
12-30-05
Sucky sucky, SIX dollah! Infration!
Revorution stops my neck getting sore!

 

by lima
12-30-05
Well if you will use your oxygen tank as a bong...

 

by lima
12-30-05
LOOK YE UPON THESE MIGHTY WORKS AND DESPAIR!
I'm looking upon this pair right now, lady
and the works?
You'd have to be wearing a shorter skirt

 

by lima
12-30-05
Why, the fuck won't you serve me
I don't need to give you a reason, but i will. You're drunk, and you're abusing my staff
Fuck off
I'd like you to leave please
Fuck off. Do you think you're better than me just because you've got long hair and a crap beard
No sir, i'm pretty sure thats just a coincidence

 

by lima
12-30-05
Oi! This fuckin' gambling machine has stolen my fuckin' money! I won fifteen quid off this machine and it won't give me it!
Would that be the same fifteen quid that you asked me to change into coins for you, not ten minutes ago?
No! I won fifteen quid too! You'd better re-imburse me 'cos i can't pay for my train otherwise
I can't do that, company policy. Also, if you've gambled away your train fare and believe that hitting the machine in various places will help get it back...
Then i have to assume that you're too stupid to tell if you'd won or not.

 

by lima
12-30-05
Black coffee please
OK, is that a large coffee?
Sugar? No thankyou
OK, is that a large coffee?
I said NO milk, i want it black, i'll be sitting over here
...HOW THE FUCK DID WE JUST HAVE A CONVERSATION

 

by lima
12-30-05
I'm sorry, but this fork is just as dirty as the last one you gave me
*sigh*. OK. Back in a second
EY! MARIO! WATTA YOU DOIN' WIV ZE FORKS, EH!?! WAYA YOO NO WASSHEEN THEM AP IN ZE PROPA WAY! NEVEA! DO! THAT! AGAIN!
..
I'm sorry madam, it won't happnen again

 

by lima
12-30-05
You can't kick me out! Its fucking 'free speech' you student twat, don't they teach you that in school no more?
Theres a difference between 'free speech' and racially abusing my customers
I'm not racist, i just don't want them here! C'mon, you're a British christian, you know what i mean!
Im Irish, and catholic
FENIAN CUNT!
Emma? Tell the officer he's a bigot as well as a cunt

 

by lima
12-30-05
Hey, you're too young and pretty to remember, but Hot Chocolate wrote a song about you
I feel sick
Aw, want me to rub your chest for you?
Ugh!
I think B-Wing are gonna be writing songs about you dude

 

by lima
1-03-06
I.. er.. *hic* umm.. not durnk, gimmie anov dirnk
No. Could you leave please
Jush.. jush half an alcohol then
Half... half an alcohol... you just want an 'alco' then? Thats fine, i can give you an 'alco'
GET THE FUCK ALCO MY PUB

 

by lima
1-03-06
Fuck off! Its free speech, i can say what i like! I fought the Iraqis for you, i..
How the hell did you save me from a bunch of arabs with a few big rocks? Granted, if they could throw a rock at me from ten thousand miles away then yes, i'd say "thankyou for getting them"
But they can't, can they? So i'm gonna go ahead and thank Mr. Churchill for the free-speech you're so fervently abusing
Why?
Churchill never pissed against my fag machine.

 

by lima
1-11-06
23:07
Hello, i'll have a pint of Carling please
I'm afraid we're closed
Oh, half a Carling then
I'm afraid we're closed love
Yeah but you can still serve me a drink though
No more than you can buy a dictionary, it seems

 

by lima
1-11-06
We got the box open, Mr. Shroedinger
Thank goodness, how is he? Is he dead, or is he alive?
He's drunk. I suggest you use a harsher radioactive material than eggnog in the future
and maybe a stronger poison than Absinthe
but thats how thought up the experiment in the first place...

 

by lima
1-19-06
Gah, i've just had to read a whole load of Ezra Pound to research my essay. I hate how he feels he has to reference every single book in the world.
Tsh, i know, i hate intertextuality. You'd never catch me doing something like that
So i sais to that guy i sais 'You can't talk to me like that, and you know what i did? I kicked him out of the pub, that'll teach him
Hwuh... did somebody just say 'CLUMP' ?

 

by lima
1-19-06
Irony Kid! I think i've saved you! I've bought you an 'irony detector'
Wow, I didn't know they even existed
Oh hell yeah, they exist. A load of American scientists created it.
...an irony detector... made by Americans?
Oh yeah... hey it didn't register that one...
MY LEGS, MY LEGS!

 

by lima
1-24-06
Rob, i want to talk to you about why im not happy with our relationship
Gah, will this take long, only i promised this really hot chick that i'd take her out tonight
So whats the problem?
Ah i get it now!

 

Wheres you're head at?
Jesus christ is it coming off again?!
by lima, 3-07-06

 

by lima
3-14-06
I'm thirsty, could you get me a drink?
Can you not get it yourself?
You should get it. I brought the wine, you should at least get me a glass of water
You brought wine, i fucked you, this closes the transaction
Transaction? Are you saying i'm no better than a prostitute?
Water? Are you saying i'm no better than a bottle of wine?

 

by lima
3-20-06
One coffee please. White.
OK sir, one milky, totally fair-trade coffee coming up.
Fair-trade? Oh... i'm sorry I... i don't really like fair-trade coffee. Disagrees with my stomach you see.
Hey, if you don't want fair-trade, you got it
Jimmy! We need Nyambe untied for a while!

 

by lima
6-02-06
"OLE OLE OLE!!! SCUNTHORPE!!! UP THE IRON!! WAAHAYY!!"
Yeah, its cool that you came to York as an ambassador for Scunthorpe's football team. We really needed one.
Well, what would Scunthorpe be without me?
Shorpe?

 

by lima
6-02-06
Start of shift: 3:00pm
End of shift: 11:30pm
Back home
Yeah, er, we won't be hiring you for our pub. You don't really fit in.
Apparently neither does anyone else...

 

by lima
6-03-06
I think you should know that the time is twenty-past eight.
Why should i know that?
Because its right under your nose

 

by lima
6-03-06
OI TINK DAT, YOU ARE MISTHAIRKEN MR. SMITH!
OIM NAHT YOU FECKIN SHITE
LOOHK AT EXACHLY HAU DIFFERENT WE ARE TO YOU, BRITHAIN!
WE'RE OIRISH SO WE ARE! ITS A FOCKIN DIFFERENT COUNTRY!
EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BLUE TO THE FECKIN CORE!
AND ALL THESE WORDS ARE DERIVED FROM ENGLISH!

 

by lima
6-03-06
England scrape through to the second round!
Beckham!!
Owen!!
England beat Randomistan to get to the quarters!
Roooooooney!!
Lampard!!!
England shit themselves against the first proper team they face
You know actually i'm Welsh..
Flintoff!!!

 

What the?!?
Sorry!
by lima, 6-04-06

 

by lima
6-04-06
Peter, i think you should stop that 'Doing the Robot' dance every time you score a goal
But why?
Because.. well... every time you do the robot, your giving robots ideas...
TOBOR WANTS TO DO THE CROUCH!!!!!!!!

 

by lima
6-04-06

 

by lima
6-05-06
So, do you think videogames have an effect on the people that play them?
Need to... concentrate... mustering all of my latent psychic abilities. Can you hear my thoughts?
Why the hell am i getting a boner?
Why the hell am i getting a boner?

 

by lima
6-05-06
nnnyyyyoooowwnnnnn
feeeowwnn
*screeech*
nnyyeeeeoownnn
Whats this?
Its the arms race

 

by lima
6-06-06
Hey, my girlfriend just got a Brazilian!
My girlfriend had an Argentinian
Whats that? Is that like an X shape or something?
No, its the reason we split up.
Bloody spic

Showing page 3.

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