All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
12-25-06
Pretend we're hauling grandma up front stairs while she's in her wheelchair.
I'm taking pictures!
No offense lady, but if you don't move out of the door, I'm breaking that camera.
Move it, mom. We can't hold her forever.
It's nice to be together with the family.
Jimmy, stop a minute, we need to wait for mom to get out of the door.
I'M GOING TO KEEP PUSHING AS HARD AS I CAN!

 

by ivytheplant
12-25-06
Merry Christmas! Everyone gets a pair of socks!
I only got one sock.
You could always wear it a la Red Hot Chili Peppers.
We're going to milk this for years.

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-06
This happens every time I ask this question...
What time do you want us to be here?
Well, we have to pick Grandma up at the nursing home at ten. At ten thirty we're going to go to the River Museum. Then we'll come back to the house...
...We'll have a quick lunch, just some sandwiches or something and then I'm hoping to get a shower and maybe do some shopping after we take Grandma back to the home.
*sigh* So what time do you want us to be here?
That's what I've been trying to tell you!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-06
Every time we ask this question...
So what time should we eat?
Any time after noon.
10 pm.
No. That won't work.
How about you tell us when you want to eat?
Any time is fine.

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-06
When meeting up at a location...
I have directions already.
What you do is go down 20th. You'll take a left at that big intersection--
I said I have directions. Right in front of me. With satellite photos.
Right, so after you make a left, you go over that bridge. Turn at Bricktown--
I could nuke you from orbit right now.
I believe the parking lot is on the right...

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-06
How fast does the fondue pot heat up?
What do you suggest for dipping?
Should we use chocolate, cheese, or both?
Why are you calling me this early in the morning about fondue?

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-06
Your brother and I will take Grandma back to the nursing home and then we'll meet you and Scott at Borders.
This seems simple enough.
10 minutes later...

 

Grandma, "zeor" isn't a word.
I'm 95 years old with a month to live. Don't tell me it's not a word!
by ivytheplant, 12-28-06

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-06
Everyone looks so nice around the dinner table, I'm going to take a picture! *click!*
Chew
Chew
Slobber
Chew
Chew

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-06
Well, we're leaving tomorrow.
Say cheese! *clickFLASH!*
*blind*
Take me with you.

 

by ivytheplant
12-28-06
We're meeting at [insert time here] for [insert meal and/or activity here].
Sure thing.
Half an hour before we have to be there...
I can't believe you aren't here yet! You're always late!
I think I'll go to the movies instead.
An hour and a half after we had to be there...
Time to start [insert meal and/or activity here]!
I'm so glad I was on time.

 

by ivytheplant
12-29-06
Well, time to leave.
I just checked the weather. We're stuck here until the blizzard across Nebraska is over.
That's not funny.
It's not a joke.
Let's take our chances on the road.
I'll get the snow chains.

 

by ivytheplant
1-01-07
So when are you planning on having kids?
Never.
That's what everyone says, but you'll change your mind!
Since you're clarivoyant, could you tell me what next week's lottery numbers are?
I don't understand.
I just figured either you can see the future or you're such an ass that you think you can choose my future based on what you want me to do.

 

by ivytheplant
1-01-07
So when are you planning on having kids?
Never.
That's what everyone says, but you'll change your mind!
You know, when you forgot to use birth control, that wasn't called "changing your mind" it's called "resignation at the situation."
You're mean.
No, I'm just tired of you people telling me what I want when you don't know shit.

 

by ivytheplant
1-01-07
KFC
What did you say?
Buffalo.
What?
Buffalo!
What did you call me?
BUFF-A-LO!!

 

by ivytheplant
1-01-07
I want an Army of Evil for Christmas.
How about an iPod?
That is an acceptable compromise.
You can build your army out of morons who dance in shadow.

 

by ivytheplant
1-01-07
Cool, I got a flask.
I got an iPod.
80 GB. With video.
I hate you.
I know.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
Internet sales are up. It's time to migrate to a web-only system.
Ecommerce here we come!
O rly?
Ya rly.
I was watching Metalocalypse in the bathroom yesterday.
Shuttup about your stupid iPod already.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
"So my wife is screaming at me because I used the decorative towels..."
*click*
"All I know is my wife is mad at me but she won't tell me. 'You should know what you did.' is all she ever says..."
*click*
Why are all stand-up comedians married to insane women?
I asked myself that years ago.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
"Blah blah blah I can't believe my boyfriend bought blue throw pillows when we have green curtains!"
"Blah blah blah I'm soooo concerned about calories that I make sure I eat breath mints that are non-cal!"
I can't relate to women on TV at all.
Neither can half the humans on the planet.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
Blah blah blah complain about how there's never any burnt sienna shoes that match my burnt umber earrings or my red ochre cell phone case.
Blah blah blah include complaints that my S.O. would rather watch tv than go to Linens n' Things to get shit I don't need and I wonder why men are so weird.
You say you want a sex change?
Not for me. For the other women on the planet.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
Oh my god, it's like sooo amazing that we can get low fat tortilla chips to eat while we sit here and bond with each other.
It doesn't matter that salsa is fat-free, tortilla chips are naturally low-fat, or that we're skinny as fuck even after having just given birth a month ago.
We are women and we love babies, bonding with the girls, and eating nothing but low-fat foods while talking about shoes!
That's it. Someone has to die.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
I'd really like to watch a horror movie now. People won't shut up about Netflix. Maybe it can help me.
[Sure.]
Three days later...
Oh yay, my horror movie is here but I wanted to watch it three days ago. Now I want to see an action movie.
[Sucks to be you.]
Maybe if I wasn't so clueless I would have just walked across the street to the video rental store.
[Idiot.]

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-07
You aren't just repeating what boorite said, are you?
Cause you're so lame that it would be a miracle that you could be that funny on your own.
As I was saying--
I can't stand you, but I'm going out of my way to pay attention to you because I'm just that lame.

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
[Post statement so unintelligible that even the sentences cannot be parsed.]
[Request clarification.]
[Huffily defend free speech on the internet, post dictionary definitions of words that have nothing to do with anything here, proclaim everyone not in peer group is a moron.]
[Point out all that was requested was clarification on one point and ask what the rest has to do with anything.]
[Pat self on back for destroying yet another religious zealot.]
[Walk away to build nuke.]

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
[Post fallacious argument peppered with disparaging remarks about group of people.]
[Point out fallacy of statement and that it is scientifically unsound.]
[Demand evidence of this, while offering no evidence inreturn.]
[Point out overwhelming evidence that refutes statements.]
[Ignore evidence completely, profess love of knowledge, claim self as a free-thinker. Accuse everyone of being brainwashed cripples.]
[Walk away to continue working on nuke.]

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
[Newbie introduces self; makes mistake of stating personal beliefs, none of which are negative.]
[Welcomes newbie.]
[Other users descend upon newbie and tear him limb from limb, while proclaiming that newbie's beliefs are destroying the world.]
[Tells others to lay off the newbie.]
[Others descend screaming obscenities and call to the mods that they are being oppressed.]
[Log off so can check the mailbox for that plutonium shipment.]

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
[Proclaim people are wrong who claim to know the answer to everything.]
[Offhand comment.]
[Claim own personal belief is the one true path.]
[Point out that's no different than what others say.]
[Proceed on long rant about you being a religious zealot and would do anything your god tells you to.]
[Set launch coordinates.]

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
I value scientific reasoning and evidence above all else but I refuse to look at evidence that might refute my personal prejudices.
I'm going to complain that I'm being held down by the man while simultaneously denying people I don't like the freedom to defend themselves.
Do you hear something?
Sounds like...

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
KingdomOfLoathing.com - my online addiction.
Oh look, I have an assload of messages.
[Dear IvyThePlant, can u give me sum meet and wepons plz. kthx bye.]
What a nice boy. I think I'll send him a pile of useless powder.
[omg ill give u 4 Mr A's for ur hypnodisk!!!!]
I think it's time for a little PvP action...
[ok 4 Mr A's and a wedge of gray cheese. thats my final offer!!!]

 

"ULTIMATE MEAT SALE! NOW HIRING!"
There sure are a lot of housewives shopping today.
by ivytheplant, 1-04-07

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
At my brother's confirmation
Will you fight evil in all its forms?
Hell yeah!
What my brother was thinking:
Stop in the name of justice evildoer! For you face: CAPTAIN AWESOME!!
Drats! Foiled again!
Boy was he disappointed...
...and that's how we use the power of Jesus to fight the minions of Satan.
This is the lamest religion ever.

 

by ivytheplant
1-04-07
Will you be gentle? This is my first time.
You better believe it honey. I'll be a smoooooth operator! Ooooh yeah!
COME ON!! FUCK HER IN THE ASS!!! PUNCH IT HARD AND FAST!!
EEEEK!

 

by ivytheplant
1-05-07
Nutri-System For Men
"I lost 32 pounds! My wife says I'm not as disgusting to her as I used to be!"
"Then I figured out how to lose another 120 pounds!"
"So I killed that fucking bitch!"
Good for him.

 

by ivytheplant
1-06-07
Mammoth Mounds O' Fun
Becase nothing's sexier than a hairy elephant!
I'm shaved.
My Morning 'Tang 6
I didn't ask for orange juice. Bend over.
Kitty Lickers 2
Let's groom each other.
Are you sure this isn't about furries?

 

by ivytheplant
1-06-07
Small Breasted Babes 6
I keep telling you, I'm a man.
Not with that swing, sweetheart. Give papa some sugar!
Seductive Slippery Skin 5
I think I just came.
Fire On The Hole 7
I couldn't find any anal lube, so I brought tabasco.
Why are there six more of these movies?

 

by ivytheplant
1-06-07
Barbaric Bangers 2
Behold! I am a sexy fugitive from the future! We must make time for love!
Who the fuck writes these descriptions?
Boobin' & Screwin' 5
I'm not sure what we're supposed to be doing here.
I think you have to titty-fuck me!
The Dirtiest Kind of Fantasy 5
Tell me, how can it possibly get dirtier after the tentacle porn?
Speak for yourself. My anus is still throbbing from Fire On The Hole 7.

 

by ivytheplant
1-09-07
Previously, on Stripcreator...
Stay away from me you punk! I'm not going until I see my granddaughter happily married!
Just great. Someone's finally found a loophole.
Three years later...
Grandma, I wanted to let you know I just got married!
I'm so happy for you, dear!
Oh crap.
Do you want to walk or should I call a cab?

 

by ivytheplant
1-10-07
Are you sure you don't want me to call a cab?
No, I'm doing just fine walking.
Jesus, at this rate it's going to take forever.
He's on to me.
Wait a minute...

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-07
Well, we're here.
A little drafty in here. Could you turn up the thermostat?
Uh, sure. Let's see, it's gotta be over here somewhere...
What a nice young man.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-07
Everyone's making such a fuss down there. Maybe I'll go tell them not to worry about little ol' me.
You can't leave.
Who are you to tell me what to do?
Jesus. Son of God. Etc.
I would think the son of God would at least put on some pants in front of an old lady.
They warned me about her.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-07
You really should cut your hair.
Why?
You'll never find a girl looking like that.
...
Long hair on a man is so, well, you know.
I wonder if it's too late to send her back...

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-07
Myrtle, is that you?
James, dear, I'm glad to see you. I missed you all these years.
It's good to see you again.
What's with the toga?
Limited elderly male characters.
Still, pants wold be nice.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-07
Interested in a game of Scrabble?
As long as you keep to the dictionary.
Why, whatever do you mean?
I don't want to see any made-up words on the board.
Are you accusing an elderly dead woman of cheating?
No, I'm saying "zeor" isn't a word.

 

by ivytheplant
1-12-07
They're still making a fuss over me down there.
I seem to remember a certain wife writing a book-length obituary for me.
I was trying to be thorough.
You included the history of my extended family.
I hope my daughter doesn't trim the obituary I wrote for myself.
Don't worry, I think she left four or five pages intact.

 

WELCOME BACK STUDENTS! 25% OFF CASES OF BUD LIGHT!
by ivytheplant, 1-12-07

 

by ivytheplant
1-15-07
Tell Ivy that Donna is coming to the funeral. I need to be at the airport at 5:15 to pick her up.
Football...
Was any of that information pertinent to anything we're doing?
Nope.
Does your family always give out useless information in detail?
Only all of them.

 

by ivytheplant
1-15-07
Hooray! It's finally 4 degrees above zero!
Sweet. That's almost 30 degrees warmer than normal.
Man, I can't wait to go to Iowa. It's supposed to be high twenties.
Wow, it will be like a tropical vacation.
Do you remember what being warm was like?
Not really.

 

by ivytheplant
1-15-07
Could you check the weather for me?
Sure, let me pull up NOAA and--
Go to weather.gov. It has better information.
It's the same site. With the same information.
Mine is better.
What's wrong with you?

 

by ivytheplant
1-19-07
I want you to remember that it's not that I don't think you're good enough, it's that I know you can be better.
Isn't that the same damned thing?
No it isn't.
Oh, so instead of saying that I was assraped I should say that I was sodomized.

Showing page 31.

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