All comics by Chi_The_Cynic

Profile

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-22-04
So, you want to join the army, kid?
Yes, but I'm only 17
Well, you're in luck! Minimum age for signing up is 17
But, that means I'm mature enough to be sent to my potential death, but not mature enough to vote for who sends me...
Welcome to the army, son!
*gulp*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-22-04
Why is the President elected?
Because the American Constitution says that is how the President should be chosen
Who wrote the Constitution?
Why, the Founding Fathers, fine upstanding men of their time!
And who elected them?
Err...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-22-04
So, how about it, big boy?
But... I'm only 15... and you're 20...
Never you mind about that, let's just get down to it, baby
Sweet!
5 minutes later
It's a good thing we got here in time, son! Who knows what might've happened otherwise
Aww, crap

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-25-04
Ok, so the deadline for AHRB funding is May 4th
Please note, some institutions have their own internal deadlines
Does Oxford have an internal deadline?
Yes, March 26th
That would be the same March 26th which also happens to be tomorrow...?
The very same.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-25-04
ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!
What was that?
That was me reaching a full understanding of your words just now
That might work for the conclusion of a term essay, but what are you actually going to do?
And so we reach the limitations of a philosophy degree...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-25-04
Ok, get a grip... if Dr. X gets his reference done today and sends the application to Dr. Y, he can get his reference done and forward the whole thing to Oxford in time for the deadline
Remember you're dealing with academics, Chi
Point duly noted.
Arse.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-25-04
New Mail!
Oooh...
Dear Chi, I have written your reference and sent it Special Delivery to Oxford, it will arrive before noon tomorrow guaranteed...
...I sent it myself, as I didn't trust the porters to get it done on time.
Hehe

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
3-30-04
What are you doing with a crate of lime pickle? You hate the stuff
Well, in Tesco today they had an offer on - a hundred points on your Club Card for every jar of lime pickle purchased! So I bought twenty!
But you don't even have a Club Card, and you rarely go to Tesco
Ahh, I signed up for a card today to take advantage of this offer!
So you have in effect spent money on a product you don't want to obtain points whose sole purpose is to encourage you to spend more money at a later date in the same store
Err...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-06-04
Hello, do you have a moment to talk about Jesus?
Can I see some ID first?
ID? What do you mean?
If you're here to talk about Jesus, how's about demonstrating your authority on the subject by showing him to me
Oh, haha, I can't just call him down from the Heav-

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-10-04

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-10-04

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-10-04

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-10-04
Vote Bush!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
Do you think I'm fat?
Haha!
Why are you laughing?! You do think I'm fat, don't you?
No! I was laughing because the idea of you being fat is ridiculous!
Stop trying to cover yourself, I know what you meant! Good night!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
Have you got a webcam?
Yeah, sure, I'll turn it on
Actually, never mind
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
The hostage situation in Iraq is terrible, isn't it?
Yeah, really terrible
Quit being sarcastic, will you? I was being serious
But... so was I!
Oh, I've got no time for this, good night
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
Did you know you can check your email with MSN Messenger?
No, really?
Oh, you didn't? I thought you were a computer whizz, guess I was wrong
I was being sarcastic!
You know, I hate it when you can't admit you don't know something! Good night
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
My dog just died today, I'm so sad
:-)
What?! Why are you smiling??
No, sorry, the ")" and "(" keys are next to each other, I just pressed the wrong one
You're so insensitive, good night!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
...and it was so hilarious! But yeah, I'm still so cut up about my dog.. I can only imagine what he must've felt when the car hit him
Haha, yeah, it must've been a real laugh!
What?! How could you say that? My dog would've been terrified!
No, I was replying to the message before that, I wasn't talking about your dog
Maybe you should think before you type next time, good night!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
I'm really smitten with this guy I sit next to in my lectures, do you know him?
That guy is such a bastard, you should really block him out of your life
What?! I hardly know him! And what right have you got to call him a bastard?
Oh, no, sorry, that message was for the wrong window! I'm talking to somebody else about their recent break up
Huh, you never listen to me, good night!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-11-04
Are you there? I really need to speak to you!
(Away)
Several hours later...
I was so desperate to talk to you earlier, and you just ignored me!
I wasn't here earlier, didn't you see my status was set to away?
Huh, you just couldn't be bothered to talk to me, good night!
*sigh*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-18-04
On attempting to buy some wine...
Sorry, I've just closed up for the day
But it's only 4pm..
Yep, but it's Sunday, and that means I have to close early
The justification for closing early on Sundays is because the Christian authorities in this country say nobody should work on the Sabbath...
Yeah, and your point?
My point?! You've been open until 4pm today anyway, so how does closing early make God any happier if the point of a Sabbath is you don't work at all?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-20-04
*CLICK*
A moth... so, you've flown into my room in the middle of the night, attracted by my bedside lamp as the only light source in the immediate vicinity
Tell me, why don't you just wake up during the daytime?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
4-26-04
With the new obscenity filter in place, I got to wondering about words within words...
For example, the word 'anal' appears in 'analysis' which I think is quite telling
And anyone who's ever been near Scunthorpe can probably work this out for themselves.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-08-04
Why are internet games so addictive when I have work to do, yet dull and uninteresting when I don't?
Why is it so hard to find motivation to do work yet so easy to find a hundred and one ways of avoiding doing any of it?
And why is it so hard to sleep at night when I'm exhausted, yet so tempting to daydream during the day when I should be working?
Hegel!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-13-04
So, yes, the whole absinth thing is perhaps a bit out of proportion
You mean you don't drink it every day?
No... why do you ask?
Oh, err, no reason...
Note to self: never spike a mate's drink thinking they might appreciate it

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-13-04
The station is just at the end of the street, plenty of time to catch your train
Hey, there's a train scheduled to arrive at 21:10
Yeah, I see it - let's go to the platform
21:20
I could've sworn it said 21:10
Something must've happened back there...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-14-04
Fake.
Fake.
Keep your eyes level with mine.
Sorry

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-14-04
God created.
Ta-da!
God saw.
Ooo...
God ran away.

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-17-04
In the library
Psst! That girl over there...
Yes?
She's pretty hot, isn't she?
Yes, she's my girlfriend.
*gulp*

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
I was in the University Library, and I got to wondering....
If the library houses every publication in the English language...
Hiding somewhere in the vaults there's got to be one hell of a porn collection

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
In the University Library
Your search for "Necronomicon" produced 4 results
*click*
"Necronomicon: A Study In Magic and The Occult", "Necronomicon: A Collection of H. R. Giger's Works"...
Next...
"Necronomicon: The Journal of Erotic Cinema"
Now we're talking

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
"Necronomicon: The Book of Dead Names" Classmark 389.c.94.665
They could've at least given it classmark 666...
Ok, South Wing Floor 5 here I come...
Welcome to Floor 5, do you have clearance?
Uhh...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
You seek the Necronomicon, do you not?
Well, yes.. but how did you know?
Look, I'm a demon, ok? We can read minds
Ohh... errr... ok, the stuff I was thinking just now...
About me being a figment of your imagination, and butt ugly at that?
Crap...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Don't worry about it, I can't harm you
Why not?
You don't believe I exist
So?
New directive from the boss - don't hurt unbelievers, or else they might start believing
I can see that being bad for business, yeah

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
So, would you like to see the Necronomicon?
Yes...
Follow me...
*gulp*
Welcome to South Wing Floor 5!
Have you ever thought of turning the cental heating down a bit in here?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Well, here it is - use it wisely
"Use" it?
Do you know what this book is for?
Reading?
It's for summoning demons
I seem to be doing that perfectly well without the book...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Well, I've been reading the Necronomicon for several days now
So, have you managed to summon any demons?
No... but I learnt this one spell, would you like me to try it?
Sure!
Sweet, it worked first time!
What, I don't see anything?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
It's been brought to my attention that you are in possession of a terrible book...
Oh, which one would that be?
The Necronomicon!
And what's so terrible about it?
It's filled with magic, violence, sexual energy and destruction!
So, kind've like the Bible, then?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Where's my website? You've had your head in that book every day for several weeks now!
You're meant to be working on... look, will you stop staring at me like that?
Heh

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Hey, IT guy! Have you seen the boss recently?
When I last saw him he was smouldering
But I think he's cooled down now

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Well, I've had the Necronomicon for three weeks now, but I've still not managed to summon any demons
I wonder what I'm doing wrong...
Yes! I finally did it, without even trying!
No, your library book is overdue

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Err, how did we get here?
It's not just God who works in mysterious ways, ok? Now, hand over your soul in payment for your overdue fees
Err, aren't you forgetting something?
What?
I don't believe in souls
Damn! Hoist on my own petard... ok, I'll accept £1.30 instead, how about that?

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-22-04
Well, it's been a week since I returned the Necronomicon
It's been fun, but there's nothing left to show for my once-great powers of magic and the black art
Ok, I get the joke, so can I have my clothes back now, please?
Heh, well, almost nothing...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-26-04
YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I SAW JUST NOW!
WHAT DID YOU SEE? DO TELL ME?
I SAW A STUDENT USING ONE OF THE LIBRARY SEARCH TERMINALS FOR SENDING E-MAILS!
OH THAT'S AWFUL! ALL THAT NOISE FROM TYPING AND SUCH FLAGRANT DISOBEDIENCE TO LIBRARY RULES!
NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL BE HOLDING OPEN CONVERSATIONS IN THE LIBRARY!
SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT THIS WORLD IS COMING TO, I REALLY DO

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-26-04
It's fun to stay at the...
YMCA!
Bloody fags...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
5-28-04
Law
I realise that a subpoena isn't strictly speaking the best way to ask someone out on a date, but now that you're here...
Engineering
In terms of definition, cantilevers are projecting structures supported only at one end... would you like to see mine?
Medicine
Did you know semen is a source of concentrated, high quality protein? In dietary terms, it's comparable to egg whites or gelatine!

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-29-04
At the Job Centre
Hello, I've come to look for a job
Go home and look on the internet
Well, I already tried that and wasn't successful, hence coming to see you
I see... well, the first thing you have to do is go over to the next room
What's in the next room?
Computer internet terminals

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-29-04
I don't think you're getting the point here, I'm not having any luck with the internet - I need someone to help me find a job
Well, I can refer you to Suzy if you like
What does Suzy do?
She searches out jobs for jobseekers
Does she by any chance use a computer internet terminal to do this?
Maybe...

 

by Chi_The_Cynic
6-29-04
Hello Suzy - the man at the entrance desk referred me over to you
Oh.. did he? Why?
He seemed to think you could search out a job for me?
Err.. right, right... well, what sort of job do you think you'd be suited to?
At a guess, I could probably do your job with the greatest of ease...
Now then, where's the mouse? Oh yes, here it is...

Showing page 4.

« Previous Next »