All comics by DrMorton

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by DrMorton
9-21-07
So this is your room. Not much to see, is there?
I do not indulge in the accumulation of worldly possessions. I strongly believe that the most precious treasures mouse can come to possess are wisdom and sanctity of the soul.
But there´s not even a bed! Or something to sit on.
I also believe that a strong soul lives in a strong body. All the comforts of modern life contribute to the softening of mouse´s natural physical strength and survival instincts.
You didn´t pay your cell phone bills and they auctioned off all your stuff, huh?
Yep.

 

Looks like you want to perform a vasectomy. Click me for help!
Too late. Download the criminal defense lawyer plugin.
by DrMorton, 9-23-07

 

by DrMorton
9-23-07
Hehe, I see you, but you don´t see me.
Herbert, do you actually think I didn´t notice you following me all the way home from work?
But I´m driving my specially enhanced spy car with fully-shaded windows. How did you see through those?
It´s also sound proof. You shouldn´t even be able to hear me right now.
If only.

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
I´m calling the apocalypse off. You can´t do a complex thing like that with the bunch of morons I have to deal with.
Hey, Satan! I´m ordering you back!
Can´t. I´m in detention. Somebody cancelled my expenses account and I couldn´t pay my tickets.
Get me outta here!
DON´T LEAVE TOBOR!

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
Ok, next I´ll put out the burning souls.
Aaaaah! Thank god!
I don´t see how this is better ....

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
What happened to everybody else? - The bacon repented and got a job in a fast food restaurant.
This is going to be so much fun.
The unwilling zombie was put to rest again ... until the checks he paid for his tomb with bounced.
Snore!
Not everybody was happy with the way things turned out.
All that emo for nothing?

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
The president ended up where he belonged.
Abe Vigoda is still not dead. But he´s already doing research. A true method actor.
Hieronymus came too late to start his apprenticeship. But he met someone who liked his style.

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
Some things couldn´t be resolved.
Hick!
Interesting.
Better now?

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
Not everybody was happy ...
So they called the damn thing off, huh? Where does that leave me? Did anybody fucking think of fucking me?
You think you can just forget about the fucking bat, huh? You think it´s just a bat, so what the fuck could it do about it? Fuck, I tell you something ...
... hey, who fucking put out the fucking light? You know that my fucking headlights don´t ... ouch!

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
That was it?
They just called it off and ended with a freakin´ bat slapstick joke?
I wish I´d gone to the Pauly Shore career retrospective marathon instead.
Let´s just get out of here and pretend we´ve never been here ...
The invitation said that there will be champagne and tapas for the critics after the screening.
On second thought, maybe it wasn´t that bad.

 

by DrMorton
9-24-07
I should have done this a long time ago - just let it end with a bang.
Of course every end ...
... is a new beginning.
Oh no, not again!
I thought we divorced.

 

I really should quit drinking. The parade of the pink elephants was entertaining - but a shark diving into the road? And getting stuck between the white lines?
by DrMorton, 9-25-07

 

by DrMorton
9-26-07
Is this the way to Amarillo?
This is the road to nowhere.
Are you gonna go my way?
If you´re going to Scarborough Fair.
I´ll be walking in Memphis.
Let´s go all the way.

 

by DrMorton
9-26-07
That meeting with the boss didn´t go so well. I should have defended my position.
I´ll go back and clear this up. This is not gonna end with me being humiliated again. They cannot erase my pride and dignity.
Then again ...

 

by DrMorton
9-28-07
Jesus drives the money changers and merchants out of the temple.
Make not my father´s house a house of merchandise!
For thou hast not paid the proper copyright fees. How darest thou? Heck, I´ll better take care of that business myself. Got a great idea right now. Peter!
Yes, boss?
We´ll do a full scan of my naked body, print it on linnen cloth and sell them as Messiah shrouds. The tagline will be: "A pure cover for the pure soul!"
I understand. I´ll send the design to our factory in Turin as soon as possible.

 

by DrMorton
9-29-07
It´s backwards.
?niarb ym htiw gnorw gnihtemos s´ereht ebyaM
?no gniog s´tahW .yhw rednow I
!pirts cimoc siht teg t´nod I, eeG

 

by DrMorton
10-02-07
Yesterday I babysat my little nephew and niece.
I somehow hurt my shoulder during one of the battles. The pain kept me awake till 3 a.m.
Experts say that of all full body contact martial arts styles babysitting is the toughest.
He´s just a sissy.

 

by DrMorton
10-03-07
[God said unto Noah:] "And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the ark, to keep them alive with thee."
"But for fuck´s sake make sure that none of the deerphins enter the ship! Let´s do away with them once and for all!"
"I made them as a wedding present for Mrs. Jehova when I was drunk. Ha! In the divorce settlement the bitch claimed half the universe but left me with them freakin´ deerphins."

 

by DrMorton
10-03-07
The Notorious Grindhouse Movie Killer cuts through the screen from behind and unsuccessfully attacks unsuspecting patrons during a midnight screening of DEATH RACE 2000.

 

I COULD REALLY USE A HANDJOB!
Wait! I´m already looking it up in the manual.
by DrMorton, 10-05-07

 

by DrMorton
10-05-07
I could really use a handjob.
Is that ... why we are down here? But Sir - you called 911! You ... you said, it was an emergency!
And your point is?

 

by DrMorton
10-05-07
At the annual school play.
I could really use a handjob!
Your fucking cue, Finkelman! You were supposed to enter with your throbbing member in your hand, we get each other off, the crowd goes wild - the cathartic finale to "The Magic Beanstalks"!
But I haven´t finished my autofellatio act from scene one yet!

 

by DrMorton
10-06-07
Homework sucks.
I´m a sucker for homework.
I´d suck any guy if he did my homework for me.
An intriguing plan, Sir!
Same deal tomorrow?

 

by DrMorton
10-12-07
How was school today?
I learned there´s about 1.30 gallons of blood in the human body.
I learned that when I "found" my history teacher dead last night.
Behold the marvels of mother nature.
I´ll sell the organs during recess.
I could use the spleen.

 

by DrMorton
10-15-07
Those Jehovah´s Witnesses wanted to know if I had found Jesus.
Have you?
No. I´ve been looking everywhere.
I just can´t remember where we put him.
He should have started to smell by now.
He´s under your bed then.

 

by DrMorton
10-16-07
Oh! Paco the Parrot has finally broken free.
The bastard!
He left me with all the paperwork.

 

by DrMorton
10-17-07
I think I´m a robot.
There´s a loose wire coming out of my ass.
That´s my hamster´s leash.
Are those lasergun eyes?

 

by DrMorton
10-18-07
Bottoms up!
Hey, it works! It really works!
You´re still there?
Are you naked, too?

 

by DrMorton
10-18-07
What are we gonna do now?
The possibilities are endless for invisible people.
You don´t call people like us "invisible". It´s not politically correct.
I prefer the term "not fully visualized"
I could name a part of your body that was never "fully visualized" ...

 

by DrMorton
10-21-07
One day I´m gonna climb up to the school´s roof.
Top of the world, ma!
Then I´m gonna start to shoot random people in the schoolyard.
Will you let me be the first one you kill?
But of course, dear friend.
Aim at the belly!

 

by DrMorton
10-21-07
Morning, interns! Today´s case study object suffers from a rare and fascinating condition causing a steady flow of liquid from his nose. It triggers the production of histamines causing the brain ...
... to initiate a recurring large opening of the nasal cavity combined with an outburst of air from within the body. I propose immediate brain surgery followed by extensive and expensive lab studies.
I thought I had just the flu ... ?
Your insurance doesn´t cover "just the flu". Also treating "just the flu" doesn´t pay for my golf club membership. So just shut up and let me do my job.

 

Life is like a cage within a cage.
Yo, tell´em brother!
by DrMorton, 10-22-07

 

by DrMorton
10-22-07
Your border shall turn from the south to the ascent of Akkrabim and pass on to Zim; the going forth thereof shall be from the south to Kadesh-barnea and shall go on to Hazzard-addar.
Come again?

 

by DrMorton
10-22-07
Dr. Mouse! Dr. Mouse! The patient in room 302 is bleeding through all natural openings in his body simultaneously!
Could be Holstein´s Disease if the patient has accidentally and unwittingly swallowed a cow´s head with the horns still attached, now ripping the body apart from the inside. Leads to a painful death
Could be Morbus Cucaracha if the patient´s blood vessels have been infested by mexican cockroaches blogging the circulation and causing irregular blood eruptions. Leads to an extremely painful death.
What do we do to find out? A full body scan? Extraction of blood samples?
Too expensive, time consuming and boring. We´ll just wait and see if he dies a painful death or an extremely painful death. Then we´ll know. Also there´s higher entertainment value in that method.

 

by DrMorton
10-23-07
Whoa!
Yeah!
Who would have thought?
Not me!
School milk is a veritable LSD substitute.
And to think we only had to put in a dead rat and then provide two weeks of direct sun exposure!

 

by DrMorton
10-23-07
Dear citizen! We are glad to inform you that the restauration of earth´s broken gravity field has been successfully completed.
Gravitation should therefore be reinstalled shortly after service of this notice. The City Council.

 

by DrMorton
10-24-07
My client would like to forward a plea of insanity.
What are you talking about? What client? Is somebody on trial here?
I´m not entitled to disclose that.
Motion rejected then.
Hey, you aren´t a judge!
You´re not entitled to disclose that.

 

by DrMorton
10-24-07
Ooooh, I´m so excited! Why have you travelled all the way back to 2007, future self from 2019?
Because I accidentally pushed the time-machine-mode button on my coffee machine.
No, I mean what future error of mine are you here to warn me about?
Not to accidentally push the time-machine-mode button on your coffee machine?

 

by DrMorton
10-25-07
Go into the village over against you and straightway ye will find an ass tied, and a colt with her: Loose them, and bring them unto me.
And then he said: "And if any man say ought unto you, ye shall say, The Lord hath need of them; and straightway he will send them."
If that isn´t the darndest lousiest excuse I ever done heard from an ass stealing hippie. Get off my property or I´ll shoot you with my dung loaded slingshot!
What´s that smelly young man say, pa? He selling dope?
But I wanna go for a ride! But I wanna go for a ride! Pleeeeez?

 

by DrMorton
10-25-07
Sir, the emergency signs are on. Please return to your seat immediately and fasten your seat belts!
Sir!? This is really an emergency! As you may have noticed the plane´s roof has been ripped off!
Aaah, those purple waves gently rubbing my backside! Is that a cool breeze coming up? Like the touch of a thousand golden feathers ...
And I told them serving LSD to calm down hypernervous passengers was a stupid idea ...

 

by DrMorton
10-26-07
A penny for your thoughts!
I call and raise 5!
Fold.
A wise decision, Sir!
So what were you thinking?
I forgot.

 

Hey people, come back! I was only kidding around. I thought I had the phaser set to "stun". Besides we don´t need the bartender to have fun, do we?
by DrMorton, 10-27-07

 

by DrMorton
10-27-07
Ah, the ever so charming Miss Lane.
And you must be the new superhero everybody´s talking about.
Yes, I´m MIGHTY RASKOLNIKOV! My motto is: "Crime and Punishment"!
And what´s your super power?
I defeat those vile villains with the power of mighty melancholy.
I feel depressed already ...

 

by DrMorton
10-27-07
Lex Luthor!
Fyodor Mikhail ... I mean, MIGHTY RASKOLNIKOV!
Think of the endless frozen plains of Siberia! Think of the cold and hopeless winter nights in Moscow! You´re getting depressed beyond return!
What are you trying to do?
My powers of mighty melancholy don´t seem to work on you.
Look: I´m bald and I´m constantly getting my ass kicked by a guy in blue pantyhose and red knickers. How much more depressed could I get?

 

by DrMorton
10-27-07
Finally I´ve found your secret weakness, MIGHTY RASKOLNIKOV. You´re defeated, cause I trapped you in the CLOWN ZONE!
Oh no! My powers of mighty melancholy are fading!
A headless horse, a mobster and the pope walk into a barbershop ...
Noop! Noop!
You´re a book store, aintcha?

 

by DrMorton
10-27-07
I´ve got to help the MIGHTY RASKOLNIKOV. I´m calling the JUST THIS LEAGUE to the rescue! And no, Jimmy - radioactive herpes is no super power!
BATador!
BOOKSTORE GIRL!
THE GREEN POINTY STICK!
LINDSAY LOHAN!
That´s not fair ...

 

by DrMorton
10-27-07
Thanks for helping me escape. And don´t worry about Lex Luthor. He´s been banned to the PANTYHOSE ZONE.
Does this mean goodbye? It makes me feel sad ...
Great!
Cause that means my powers are back.

 

by DrMorton
10-28-07
A headless horse, a mobster and the pope walk into a barbershop. The mobster says: ...
I won´t listen to a joke that´s discriminating against horses!
Wait where I´m going with this, will you?
I´m offended already. Horse racist!
Stupid fuck!
See?

 

by DrMorton
10-31-07
Trick or treat?
I don´t know.
Give me a hint!
You suck!
Treat it is.

 

by DrMorton
11-10-07
I still can´t believe what we did in the backyard yesterday ...
Oh no, here comes the flashback!
Let´s never speak of this again.
I reserve the right of a dying bed confession to cleanse my soul.

Showing page 4.

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