All comics by Neo11

Profile

 

by Neo11
11-26-18
Happy Cyber Monday! Welcome to Verizon live chat, my name is Mindy
Hey Mindy, this is Derek. You are making me so hot! I'm slowly taking off my pants as I caress your neck
This is incredibly inappropriate and disgusting. That is NOT what the cyber in Cyber Monday means
Oh, well this is quite embarrassing. I am so sorry
That's OK. While you are here, our hottest deals today are buy one, get one free phones
Wow, that is a hot deal. In fact, it's so hot that I'm going to cool down by slowly taking off my pants as I caress your neck

 

by Neo11
11-28-18
Hey, I bet I can ruin how you feel about the man of your dreams
There's no way. You could never end my love for Tom Cruise. He's such a hunk!
OK, so just picture him but on a toilet with explosive diarrhea! Aww, isn't that gross? Haha, catch you later
Mmmmmm-Tom Cruise with explosive diarrhea

 

Gee Roscoe, your fur must be perdy full a dandruff. Just look at all them white flakes there where you been runnin in the yard
That's snow you dumbass
by Neo11, 12-05-18

 

by Neo11
12-13-18
So your test results are in aaaannd well, it's not good
Just give it to me straight Dr. Lewis, what's the situation?
From what I see, you have at least six STD's. I mean you are just absolutely filthy
Will any man ever want me again?
Well, to quote the Grinch song, I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole

 

by Neo11
12-13-18
♫ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas♫
Why does it have to be white? Can't we include everyone?
♫ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas♫
Oh, I get it. Let's sing a song about snow to a guy living in Florida because this loser has never seen snow. Fuck you!
♫ I'm dreaming of a white Christmas♫
Now you are speaking my language

 

by Neo11
12-15-18
Maybe just a half a drink more
Put some records on while I pour
The neighbors might think
Baby, it's bad out there
Say what's in this drink? No really, it tastes funny
Oh, that's probably just the laxative. Mwahahaha!

 

I would like my teeth to be as white as possible. In fact, as white as the snow out front of the building!
In that case they will still be a shade of yellow because I just peed in that snow
by Neo11, 1-22-19

 

by Neo11
1-30-19
This question is for each of the guys. If I were a hoax, which would I be and why?
Definitely “War of the Worlds” being read over the radio because like those aliens, your incredible looks are out of this world
The crop circles hoax comes to my mind since you are one sexy country girl
I’m thinking Sasquatch because from what I can see, you have very hairy armpits

 

by Neo11
1-30-19
OK, when it comes to exercise, I don’t care if you run, walk, or bike ride. Whatever gets the heart pumping, that’s what I always say
You sir, what is your preferred method of exercise?
I constantly masturbate throughout every single day
Ugh! What would possess you to mention that in an exercise class?
Whatever gets the heart pumping, that’s what I always say!

 

by Neo11
2-12-19
Excuse me, Ben?
Yes sir
Ted Park here. We’ve emailed plenty of times but I don’t believe we’ve ever actually met
Ah yes, Ted, of course
It’s definitely nice to finally have a face to put with your name
Agreed. Granted, yours isn’t much to look at but still, a face with the name

 

by Neo11
2-12-19
Hey Roger, how was your weekend? Do anything fun?
Yup, mmhmm, sure did, yeah, OK then
By the way, did you have a chance to read through that email I sent you earlier?
Yup, mmhmm, OK, alrighty then, sounds good
What’s with you today? It's like you aren’t even listening to me.
Dude, you caught me on the way to the bathroom. If I don’t find a toilet within 10 seconds, I am going to shit myself

 

by Neo11
2-12-19
You know what I hate? Ads that play before online videos. “You can skip in 10 seconds” they say! I mean come on!
Then there are the ones you can’t skip at all. Ugh! Just let me get to the video of a kitten playing with a bunny. So irritating, am I right?
Anyway, don’t you just hate ads too? What are your thoughts?
How did you get into my house?

 

by Neo11
2-13-19
You are such a good kisser
It makes me sad that we will never be able to relive our first kiss
Oh, I can give you something much better than our first kiss
I suppose if I ever have amnesia, the next kiss after that might seem like our first
How about we have a night that would be impossible to forget?
Then again, if I had amnesia, would I even remember that I wanted to relive the moment?

 

by Neo11
2-13-19
Hey babe, sorry to be late but I got tied up at work
Someone tied you up at work?
Speaking of tied up, I have a kinky idea for us
Do you have any idea who it was or why they did this?
I bought some handcuffs so we can have a little fun with them tonight
Good idea. The cops may need those when they bust this guy

 

by Neo11
3-06-19
Please stop with the chasing! You know you don’t really want to eat me
Come on! Here piggy, piggy, piggy!
Don’t the last 3 years of friendship mean anything to you? Late night drinks, deep conversations, ball out in the yard
Wow, you’re absolutely right. I’ll stop
Thanks. I knew you’d realize it’s not worth trading all that in just for a plate of crispy bacon
Mmmmm crispy bacon....eh, fuck all that. Come here piggy, piggy piggy!

 

by Neo11
3-06-19
Hello, and welcome to the BizzCo health assessment
There seems to be some trouble loading. Would you like to enable cookies?
Oh, I LOVE cookies. Yes, please allow for cookies!
Wrong answer fatso! You have failed your health assessment

 

by Neo11
3-11-19
Wow, Matt is one sick son of a bitch
Well, it is flu season. Unfortunately, that stuff makes it way around
No, not that. He is at his desk watching a video of girls shitting in each others mouths. That is some nasty stuff!
Oh my, that is quite disturbing
Later That Day
Hey Matt, I heard you were looking at some interesting files this morning. Mind if I take a look?

 

by Neo11
3-11-19
Hey, I’m not going to be able to make it out for happy hour tonight. I have plans
No problem. Got a hot date?
Hahahahaha I wish
Oh…..ugly date?
Hahahahaha…..yes

 

by Neo11
3-11-19
Oouch! AAAGH! OOUCH! OK, just stop that immediately
You wanted to try anal and wow, that did not work at all
I don’t understand what went wrong. We bought that special lube, didn’t you use it?
Not at all babe. The directions say to apply liberally and I just don’t fly that way

 

by Neo11
4-02-19
So then I told him that I believe no matter how rough, something good comes out of every bad situation
Wow, really?
BAM!
AAGGHH! Dude, why the hell did you kick me in the balls?
I can’t wait to see what good this brings you

 

by Neo11
4-02-19
Every morning, my routine is that I either take a walk around the block or stay in and pleasure myself
What are you talking about? I’m out here every morning and not even once have I seen you walking
Wait....so you mean....
Ugh! Good lord Tom!

 

by Neo11
4-02-19
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother sticking with this pointless job. You could train that monkey at the zoo to do what I do here
Come on now, don’t say that. It is ridiculous to think that a monkey could replace you
Really? You mean that?
Of course I do
That monkey is way smarter than you and would demand a salary that this company would never agree to

 

by Neo11
4-16-19
I'm glad you came in for this interview. And you've got a nice, firm handshake
Thanks. And you’ve got some nice, firm tits
EXCUSE ME?
Oh shit! Is there any way we could just start over? I promise no more inappropriate comments like that
It’s your lucky day, I will give you ONE more chance but that’s it. If not, this only lasted about 30 seconds
That’s what she said!

 

by Neo11
4-16-19
Hast thou ever heard the saying 'fake it til you make it?' Legend is that you can make something a reality by simply believing it is true
Is that so? Interesting...
Later that day
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! Let it be known that I, the king, has the biggest cock in all the land!
Hi, I'm Dale. Are you the one who was wishing for a big rooster?

 

by Neo11
4-17-19
Hey Dad, did you know that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar?
I did not. Who taught you that?
My teacher, Mrs. Thomas
Well, did you know that you can stop more sperm with a condom than with a sandwich bag?
No. Who taught you that?
You did son

 

by Neo11
4-28-19
When will people like you learn that you cannot text while driving?
The two just simply don’t mix. I mean, it’s like you wouldn’t attempt to jerk off while you brush your teeth would you?
Of course not
But I know what I’m going to try doing as soon as I get home

 

by Neo11
1-01-20
Yup, only 10 hours in and I just had my first wank of the new year
What are you talking about? You got so drunk last night that you decided to crash here in my guest room
I should probably get going

 

by Neo11
1-01-20
This has been such a great date, would you like to come back to my place?
I may be up for that. Would love to find out if the carpet matches the drapes.
Oh, there is no carpet. What I would love is some hard wood down there
Really?
Later That Night
So how did your date with Tonya go?
It started off as good as I could imagine but I had to end it right there. I just can’t be with someone who prefers hardwood floors

 

by Neo11
1-01-20
I must say that this has gone well and we are just about finished
Last item of the interview. Explain a time when you were in a difficult situation and how you were able to overcome it
Right when I showed up, I had to take a huge dump but someone was in the only stall. No worries though, I was able to hide and take care of business behind those bushes out front
Oh my goodness! You did what?
I know, that’s some quick thinking right?

 

by Neo11
1-07-20
So what happened with you and Lesley after I left the bar last night?
We made our way to her place
Are you for real? Did you two hook up?
A gentleman does not kiss and tell
That’s fine man, I understand
But since there was no kissing involved, I can tell you that I fucked her in the ass

 

by Neo11
1-07-20
Hello. I saw that this store was pet friendly so I brought my cat Sprinkles. What do I do if he pees on the floor?
Aww, he’s adorable. Should he accidentally tinkle, we have cleanup towels located all around the store
What if he poops on the floor?
Uh well, in that case we also have cleanup bags if needed
What if I poop on the floor?
Get out

 

by Neo11
1-14-20
Since we’ve only got three minutes, I’ll get straight to it. How about we go to my place and you tell me what you'd like to do with me
Fuck you!
You want to fuck me? Mmm, what else?
You’re an asshole!
Urine asshole? Sounds like something kinky is about to happen

 

by Neo11
2-22-20
Welcome to this course on how to be a better manager
Step one: Always invite team members to take part in daily activities to help them feel included
That's a great idea, I think I'll try it out right now
Hey Bull, I'm headed to the conference room to jerk off if you'd like to join me

 

by Neo11
2-22-20
Well, that was a fun double date
Indeed
Although after being single for so long, I was a little surprised that Neal went for someone so bossy
You know, I was a little shocked as soon as I saw her
Really? What surprised you?
That she was actually real

 

With everyone working from home this week, it's a real skeleton crew in here
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
by Neo11, 3-15-20

 

by Neo11
3-15-20
Honey, I’ve got some great news. Our dog Buster is going to be a big brother!
That’s wonderful. I hope it’s another big litter
Wait, what? No, that isn’t what I meant
But you said Buster is going to be a big brother
No, you idiot. I’m trying to tell you that I’m pregnant
So you had sex with a dog?

 

by Neo11
4-14-20
Ugh, what the hell? Honey, could you come in here?
I was dusting the grandfather clock and there's some sort of slimy goop on the front. Any idea what this is?
Yeah, you know my friend Scott who I mentioned started working from home? He said he has been having a blast jerking off on the clock so I decided to give it a try as well
Quite frankly, I don't see what is so exciting about it

 

by Neo11
4-15-20
Remember that week-long vacation we took to the beach a few months ago?
Yeah, how could I forget?
Well, I have some news. I guess you could say that we went there with two of us and came back with three
As in we kidnapped someone? I don’t remember a third person in the car
Sweetie, I mean that I am pregnant
Or was it adoption? Then again, I imagine there should have been loads of paperwork

 

by Neo11
4-15-20
Wow, that’s quite a bitch out there
I know but once your mother comes in after parking the car, we have to pretend that we like her
I was referring to the snowy weather
WELL, THAT'S AWKWARD!

 

by Neo11
4-16-20
Hey Jerry, is that-oh my god! Were, were you just measuring your penis?
No, I swear! I was uh, only...uummm.. OK, yes I was
How about this-we both measure up. If I win, I tell everyone what you were doing. You win, and I finish your report I was about to check on
Deal
Later That Day
Wait, why are you giving me this report? I thought it was assigned to Jerry
I needed the experience. I’ve been uh, coming up a little short in some areas lately

 

by Neo11
4-16-20
So I had a one night stand last night with that girl I met online
Dude, that’s awesome
And she had this warming lube that really intensified the moment
Dude, that’s awesome
In fact, it must have been some strong stuff because I could still feel the burn just now when I took a piss
Dude, that's awe...wait, what?

 

by Neo11
4-16-20
What would you do for a Klondike bar? Would you piss in my coffee when I’m not looking? Hahaha, kidding
Hahaha what? Of course I wouldn’t
Then again, I reeeaaaly love ice cream
Hey, I reconsidered your offer from earlier. You owe me a Klondike bar

 

by Neo11
5-06-20
Condom Man, where are you? It’s an emergency!
What seems to be the problem my friend?
After we had sex, I noticed that the condom I used was all tore up
Hmm, what was the expiration date on it?
Oh boy, almost 4 years ago. I forgot to check!
Been a little while, huh kid?

 

by Neo11
5-06-20
I have to be honest. I love what I have heard and this interview has gone incredibly well
You’re a regular, laid-back guy who doesn’t brag. You put your pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us do
That’s all I have from my end. Do you have any questions for me?
When did you watch me put on my pants?

 

by Neo11
6-23-20
And always remember Janice, good things come to those who wait
Oh boy! In that case, I'll just wait right here for those good things
80 Years Later
Yup, good things a comin' any day now. I simply can't wait
150 Year Later
I think that fucking head lied to me

 

by Neo11
6-23-20
So two days after promising to start the diet, his wife walks in and catches him shoving cookies into his mouth. Talk about being caught with your pants down
OK. So there was this time I was waiting in my car and decided to drop trou and have some fun to pass the time. Next thing I know, a cop walks up and-
Whoa, whoa! Not literally. It’s just a phrase people use when they are caught doing something embarrassing
Oh...
Talk about being caught with my pants down

 

by Neo11
7-07-20
Hey Brandon. Congratulations, I heard you finished your first marathon last week
Thanks man. It’s been a long and difficult road of recovery ever since the day I broke both of my legs
How did you remain positive and fight through all that?
I stayed motivated by remembering the old saying of “whatever doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”
Amen to that man, so true. Well, except for that time you got syphilis, that didn’t really make you any stronger

 

by Neo11
7-07-20
So to lessen the urge to pleasure yourself, perhaps make yourself go through something you don’t like beforehand
Hmm, that could work. I definitely hate exercise
The Next Morning
So Adam, I hope whatever you tried out had strong results
Sure did. I decided that each time I was going to stroke it, I made myself run a mile first. I reached eight miles yesterday
Well, that’s great exercise and….wait so that means you-
Got over 10,000 steps? Sure did!

 

by Neo11
7-07-20
Another suggestion to reduce your urges is similar to a swear jar. Put in a dollar each time you pleasure yourself and eventually donate whatever is in it
I’ll give that a try. It should help as I’ve been trying to save money lately
One Week Later
Hello Adam, I was just reading this wonderful news story
What’s it about?
It seems the local hospital now has funding to build a new wing thanks to an anonymous donor
Oh that? It was actually from me. I followed your jar suggestion and brought what was in it over to them yesterday

 

Hi there cutie. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I closer together
Really? If you are going to rearrange them, it’d make more sense to put ALL of the vowels together
by Neo11, 7-07-20

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