All comics by Siegfried1027

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by Siegfried1027
6-03-04
Ma'am, please open this door.
Eh? Who is it?
That beagle needs a freakin' walk. We're here to give it some exercise.
How do you expect to get it out?
Miss Death, tear down this wall!

 

by Siegfried1027
6-04-04
The Marxist
I think chess is a beautiful game.
Game? It's an eight-by-eight representation of the oppression of the proletariat, the poor pawns who must die for their robber baron kings. You sicken me.
The Feminist
...so the queen's movement was vastly augmented in the Middle Ages...
How generous of the feudal patriarchs to grant her that. It's too bad that the king (the longest and most erect piece - coincidence?) remains the only ultimately relevant piece. Disgusting.
Bobby Fischer
I do sometimes prefer queen pawn openings...
You Jew.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-05-04
Pyramus and Thisbe
Romeo and Juliet
Tristan and Isolde
Fuck is this guy a downer...
Seriously.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-06-04
Beer
Yeah I am in love...
That's great, man.
Wild Turkey
...d00der....d00d she si...d00d...I luv her soooOOOoo much....
...I'm happy for you, but please vomit away from the Cube.
The morning after
Damn am I hungover. Did I mention Stacy to you...
Your ass is due for a kicking, drunklor.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-07-04
Come on, you won't get into any trouble!
Sure! We know just what to tell the judge...
I mean, we ARE eighteen.
No, really. Tell us nine plus nine isn't eighteen.
Yeah, you're going straight to hell.
Please, you've got a suite reserved down there. Overlooking the lake. OF FIRE.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-08-04
Stacy! Stacy stacy STAAAAAACY.
...whoa, what did you say?
...stacy, stacy stacy sta?
...ok, I, uh...I'm gonna give up liquor for a while now.
HAHA, PUNK'D!
Sod off.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-08-04
Well this is damned creepy.
Is it my move or yours?
Does it matter?
If either of you touches another one of my pieces, I will..
I am not sticking around to hear the end of that threat.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-08-04
Ah that was a good nap. I'd better check my e-mail.
...hold on, look at these recent sites...he's been checking out diet dog food...
I'm scared. Someone please hold me.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-09-04
Deep Mike v. Deep Fritz
Queen to c4.
Rook takes e1, check.
This is probably a good time to ask this - what gets cut off if I'm checkmated?
If you're checkmated, you won't have to worry about being mated ever again, let's just say that.
Yeah I'll stick with backgammon.
A wise choice.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-09-04
You like these belly rubs, huh?
Ooooooooh yeah.
Half an hour later...
Well, I think I'm gonna go eat...
That hand is staying with me one way or another.
O...k. I will have to leave for work eventually...
You ain't goin' nowhere, cutie.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-09-04
Bob, we need a new puppy.
You're right, Edna. We have far too little dog hair in our food.
How many more do you think we should get?
I'll go with your judgment in this matter, since you're sure to think clearly and only get as many as we can take care of.
And that is how I expect the conversation to go.
Mom, you're dreaming.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-11-04
I heard some horrible things and I thought I'd just ask you...
Eh?
I heard that you're Canadian...have they found a cure?
...for being Canadian...
Right.
You know that bacon we're famous for? It's made out of the mangled corpses of smartasses like you.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-11-04
I got an inside straight here...come on...
DAMN IT! Disconnected again.
I am so getting him DSL for his birthday. With his credit card, of course.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-11-04
Did you notice our absence in any recent comics?
Yes, Jon, the painfully obvious didn't escape me. Imagine that.
Just saying, you'd think he could find a place for us.
I'd rather not have any more jokes about my lack of pussy, a real degree, or...
I think you just owned yourself.
Well son of a bitch.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-12-04
What are you growling at?
Grrr.
Hey, guys, feed these coordinates to the Hubble people.
You saw a cat on the surface from up here?
I have a good eye for these sorts of things.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-13-04
Have you ever matched up our friends to the characters in Cheers?
Hm, I never thought of that, but...
I see Steve as Paul.
I'm kind of like Frasier.
...wait, you are not sticking me with Cliff.
It's either that or you gain two hundred pounds and become Norm.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-14-04
I R DUM I H8 U NO TREETZ 4 U
NOW U DIE
AW KUTE
YAY GIVAR OF SCRITCHIES
This utter nonsense courtesy of Belle
DUH I STOOPID KAT
CATZARFARFARFARAROOOOO

 

by Siegfried1027
6-14-04
Arguendo...
ELITIST!
That was the mot juste...
ELITIST!!!!
Well, I'm going to go light up an Opus X and sip some single malt...
RARGH!!!!11

 

by Siegfried1027
6-14-04
Tell her to move up there, get a job to pay for an apartment, and start squirting out some grandkids for Edna and Bob.
Does he know what he's saying?
Years later
Kids, Uncle Mike is here to watch you!
Kids? Do I hear an earthquake...
Censored for excessive rarfing
RARFARFARFARFARFARFARF
AHHH STAMPEDE! TELL STACY I LOVE HER! ARGHWAUI#@...

 

by Siegfried1027
6-15-04
These damned tobacco companies are forcing children to smoke...
Perhaps you should get a dictionary...
And public schools are compelling their students to recite the pledge...
I've got Webster's right here if you want...
And don't even get me started on international corporations' forcing consumers to...
DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHAT "FORCING" MEANS, YOU DUMBASS PIECE OF SHIT?

 

by Siegfried1027
6-15-04
I'll need to see some ID for these cigarettes.
Sure, here you go.
This says you're seventeen. No dice.
I work for the state, trying to catch people selling tobacco illegally. Keep up the good work in carding people.
...but you just took the cigarettes anyway.
Yoink!

 

by Siegfried1027
6-15-04
Happy 172 comics, me. I think it's 172.
D00D! Check that out...
Nick, fuck off. I'm Death, by the way, if anyone couldn't figure that out.
I need a motherfucking drink.
I'd appreciate if you all died.
Were you ever going to get back to that story?

 

by Siegfried1027
6-15-04
Sometime during the hiatus...
Get him on the phone.
Yes, you. I've got an executive order here compelling you to continue this story.
With all deference, I've been busy.
You tell him.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-16-04
Oh shit, it looks like the goblins outnumber us 500 to 1.
Add to that the fact that we were completely unprepared for this and, well, it looks grim.
ARGH! I'm down! This looks like the end!
Indeed, but I'll go out in a blaze of glory and avenge you!
You know, I think it was that last deus ex machina, and not the first three, that really saved us.
And we've got enough loose ends here to fill the next fifteen novels in the series. The end? HA!

 

by Siegfried1027
6-17-04
Oooooof, too many treetz last night.
What a hangover...ugh, here he comes. Please no walks, please no walks...
How about a little "hair-of-the-dog" Milkbone, hm?
Yeah, you're a funny man. It'll be real funny when I bite that fucking arm off, won't it? Get me some coffee.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-18-04
Could I have a Manhattan?
Nah, we're out of Manhattan mix.
...uh...ok...how about a martini?
Not enough peach schnapps, sorry.
How about a double scotch?
I'm gonna have to look that recipe up.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-18-04
Yo guys!
Rosser, where the hell have you been?
Eh, you know, around...
Uh...why is your voice so high?
Well, how can I put this...thanks to the wife, I am now perfectly fit to guard an Oriental harem.
Welcome to married life, you poor son of a bitch.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-18-04
Damn it Steve, get that shit out of the bathroom!
DON'T TOUCH MY MANGA!
Hey, Inuyasha is on now, fucker.
Dude, I'm fucking playing PS2. Go jack off to that hentai you spent all morning downloading.
Are you still nursing that bottle of Bailey's you bought SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO?
I like to pace my drinking, thank you very much.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-18-04
Bush is such a fucking idiot!
Calm down...I heard her too...
I'm fifteen, how old are you?
Getting...worse...
Anyway, I should go, my boyfriend's waiting for me.
I sure can pick 'em, huh?

 

by Siegfried1027
6-18-04
wtf?
I tell ya, some dogs just try too hard.
The most impressive trick I do is rolling my fat ass over so you can scratch my belly. Speaking of which, get to work, woman.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-22-04
What is thy bidding, my master?
You will go to the tobacconist. There you will wait, until called for.
What of the reports of health nuts gathering in Harrisburg?
It is of no concern. Soon the public health campaign will be crushed and the state's lungs will belong to us.
Upon waking...
No more cigarettes and Absente before bed.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-23-04
You are Stace-licious-lor-unsah-goro!
Ummmm...
Hey, where are you going?
I've got to go to Carlisle for a few hours.
Here's the deal - teach me the language and I don't kick you in the junk.
You certainly got MY hat.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-24-04
All right, BA, go throw that bad guy into that bad guy while kicking that other bad guy's ass.
All right, let's get out the tally sheet.
Face, go seduce that woman.
That makes 8,439,782 shots fired...and 0 dead.
I'll just smoke this cigar.
I love it when a plan comes together.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-29-04
Scratch
Scratch
Scratch
Scratch
Is there anything more fun than playing pool drunk?
Damn no, my friend. Damn no.

 

by Siegfried1027
6-29-04
GOT YOUR HAT! OOOOOO!
Uh, pity me, I guess.
Fuck you are so sexy, let's fuck, come on, unsah unsah.
Maybe when you calm down a bit, huh?
Oh shit I'm going to throw up...
YOU HAD ONE FUCKING WOODCHUCK, YOU LIGHTWEIGHT ANNOYING FUCKWIT! Unsah THAT, bitch.

 

by Siegfried1027
7-07-04
So where do you keep them?
I had them in a jar at first, but I found they made a damned good paperweight, so...
Huh, interesting. I've got his in a safe now. Can't trust him.
Yeah, you gotta be careful, they can be real babies about it.
Whatcha talkin' about?
Do not tell me you came back without my drink! BAD ROBERT!

 

by Siegfried1027
7-07-04
Hi honey.
Yeah, hi yourself. I was just noticing that Belle seems to be shedding a lot. In fact, that pile over there almost looks like another dog.
Is that so...?
So I put two and two together and decided...we ain't keepin' it.
How well can you vacuum the carpet and wash and iron clothes, Bob?
Like I said, we're going to need more dog chow.

 

by Siegfried1027
7-12-04
I just don't get it...
What's the problem?
Yeah, I've been on Atkins for weeks now and I've actually GAINED.
Typically it's better not to eat an entire lamb for breakfast.
Hey, I trim the fat first!

 

by Siegfried1027
7-17-04
Clearly the Bush administration is driven by neocolonialism, no doubt encouraged by the Zionist neocons...
Yeah, yeah...go on...this is good...
...so, yeah, the military-industrial complex is so entrenched that Halliburton barely even needs to hide the conspiracy.
Oh, this is rich!
Hey...what did you say your name was?
Ockham, William of Ockham, and you really should be a stand-up comic! COMEDY. GOLD.

 

by Siegfried1027
7-17-04
Are you really better off now than you were under Saddam?
Fair question. I mean, on the one hand, no one's being fed into plastic shredders. On the other, we're free of fascist tyranny. It's a tough call.
But you must be worried that your religious identity will be corrupted by the American influence.
Excellent point. I'm really scared that the secular influence might prevent a brutal theocracy from being established here, and who wants religious tolerance, anyway? I say we make this Iran II.
This certainly was an enlightening interview.
Oh, sure, death to Bushitler and all that jazz.

 

by Siegfried1027
7-24-04
Hm, let's see what messages I've got here...*sniffsniff*
"Belle, when are your puppies due?"
Ooooooh, I think I've got a big steamy response to that cooking...

 

by Siegfried1027
8-14-04
Fermat's early days
Here are your tests back.
Excuse me, I think there's a problem here. I got everything right but you gave me a 90%.
Read my note.
Hm..."Show your work."
Fucking bitch.

 

by Siegfried1027
8-30-04
I've heard rumors...any truth to them?
Yep, than which none greater can be thought.
You do realize I'll need proof.
I'm halfway there, baby.
I love philosophy.

 

by Siegfried1027
8-30-04
...
...
?
Here.
Ah, the joys of a virtual open admissions policy.

 

by Siegfried1027
8-31-04
Pedantry 355
Excuse me, professor, but is there an error in the syllabus? It says one of the objectives of this class is to think critically...
Oh my, you're right! Instead it should read "Reword phrases in the text and rip off ideas in the readings in ways that border on plagiarism."
Circle-jerking 491
A group project? YAY!
Who needs the hassle of reading difficult and important texts and writing on them? I prefer that we share the load of ignorance by means of pointless "projects" and group work!
Fake Bullshit Core Science Requirement
HAY LOOK STARS LOL!!11
What a coincidence, that's precisely the theme of next week's lab!

 

by Siegfried1027
8-31-04
Oooooh, fuck, man, that party was BADASS.
I seriously distributed some happiness all OVER that girl's face.
One problem - that Kant pussy was trying to ruin it all for us.
Yeah, he was trying to get me to read his book...
Oh yeah, and I was all like, "Too long; didn't read, ass."
BURN!

 

by Siegfried1027
8-31-04
Hoo! Wa-ha!
PK Fire!
Falcon Kick!
Hyyyyyyyyah!
So, what does this dream mean?
...we need to get you to bed. Don't plan on sleeping.

 

by Siegfried1027
9-04-04
I find your skin color to be congruent to 1 (modulo 2).
I suggest you prove your skills before I smash your head into an oblate spheroid.
I'm gonna stretch you out like Gabriel's horn, bitch.
AUGH, BUT MY VOLUME IS FINITE!
I refuse to believe this bullet hurt me as it could not have covered an infinite number of distances in a finite time. See Zeno.
Modeling the problem as the sum of an infinite series, I am led to the conclusion that the sum = 1 and you = dead.

 

by Siegfried1027
9-04-04
Damn, I can't log into my computer! Could you help me?
Sure thing...did you, uh, leave caps lock on by any chance?
I'll try that!
Yeah...you do that...
It worked! Thank you, Mr. Upperclassman, is there ANY way a cute little freshman like me could repay you? ANY way at all?
I am gonna love this year.

 

by Siegfried1027
9-20-04
...Belle?
Rarrrrrrrrrrr
...you ok...?
AROOOOOOO
Why are you looking at me like that?
If you don't feed me right quick, I can't promise you'll keep that arm.

Showing page 4.

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