All comics by Xuanwu

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by Xuanwu
6-10-06
Who's that guy over there? He looks like he's in pain.
That's our resident mad scientist, Alex.
"Last year he tried splicing the genes of a bull with a zucchini."
So why does he grimace so much?
He was gourd.

 

by Xuanwu
9-17-06
The white space... It calls to me, begging to be filled. Pleading for form to emerge from the nothing.
An empty plane, ripe to house the myriad of succulent ideas pouring through my veins.
...
And my pencil is busted.

 

by Xuanwu
9-27-06
Ew! What's that horrendous smell?
That's the local band. They just released a new CD and have come back from touring.
Why do they stink so much?
They were playing in abattoirs around the country.
Abattoirs? Isn't that a bit...odd?
They were inspired when the press said their music was offal.

 

by Xuanwu
10-04-06
Sir, Sony has released copyright software that damaged computers, correct?
Yes.
And Sony has also made batteries that cause laptops to burst into flames, right?
Yes.
So, why should the public have any faith that the PS3 won't cause them bodily harm?
Because we're the most trusted name in electronics.

 

by Xuanwu
10-13-06
I noticed there are a lot of Corolla wagons around.
A mathematician was giving them away a little while back.
Giving them away? Why would he do that?
He was studying Matrix multiplication.

 

Why do you tell lies?
Because you tell the truth.
by Xuanwu, 10-14-06

 

by Xuanwu
10-14-06
Cure White?
Yes, Cure Black?
I have a confession to make.
What is it?
I'm not a lesbian.
OH THANK GOD! I thought you were going to molest me in my sleep.

 

by Xuanwu
10-14-06
Happy sunshine la la la...
Happy sunshine la la la...
DEATH! BLOOD! CARNAGE!

 

by Xuanwu
10-14-06
What did you get on the test, Haruhi?
FOOM!
I got an A.
Damn it, Haruhi! That's cheating!

 

by Xuanwu
10-14-06
I'll kill you and see how Haruhi responds.
Wait! I have a better idea!
What?
If you're looking to get a reaction from Haruhi, why not take some whipcream, get naked with her, and video tape the results?
...
I think I'll kill you, instead.
Crud.

 

by Xuanwu
10-14-06
I forgot to reconstitute my glasses.
Hmm...
GLASSES! GLASSES! GLASSES! GLASSES!
I'm not really a glasses man.
YOU SUCK!

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Wow, that guy's carrying a lot of beer.
He's a historian. He's doing research on a theory by a 20th century American psychologist.
What's the theory?
Basically, when a person is really thirsty, they'll drink any beer that comes. But as their thirst lessens, they get more choosy.
What's the theory called?
"Maslow's Hierarchy of Meads."

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
It's Weasel Stomping Day!
Yay!
And by "stomp" I mean "rape."
Uh...
And by "weasel" I mean "women."
Oh, snap...

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Talking with the RA...
Why am I living with my NSO group?
It's part of a program called "Insight."
What's it for?
It's to help you get to know your classmates and make new friends.
But the only "insight" I've gained is that these people are seriously disturbed.
See? It's working already.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Talking with the professor...
Is there a time we can meet so you can help me?
I don't believe in helping students who are too stupid to keep up in class.
But students who understand the material wouldn't come for help.
Of course.
So you don't believe in spending any more time with students than you need to?
Now you're learning.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
At the SGA office...
Hi! I'd like to run for Senator.
Fill out the application.
What are my chances of getting in?
*Snicker*
Not a good sign...
HA HA HA HA HA!

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Running for SGA...
Why do you want to be a senator?
So I can reach out a hand to the stars and bring light and hope to the UPI student body.
When they said I'd earn my BS here, they weren't kidding.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
"All the women / Who are the airheads / Throw your hands up at me!"
What are you singing Steve?
That song by Destiny's Child on the Charlie's Angels soundtrack.
Doesn't the chorus go a little differently, though?
Yeah, but it means the same thing.
Good point.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Hey, Fleming, did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
Last time I tried that, I got arrested for harassment.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Hey, Fleming, did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
"Applying myself." Thanks. I'll use that at my court hearing.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Hey, Fleming, did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
Trust me, I know. Heh heh.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Hey, Fleming, did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
What the fsck are you talking about?

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Hey, Fleming, did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
Maybe, but not everyone wants to attend "Straighty McStraight University." The tuition sucks.

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
Hey, Fleming, did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"

 

by Xuanwu
10-17-06
In Chemistry class...
And this, class, is Carbamic.
Carbamic!
Carbamic!
Carbamic!
It's only a model.
Shh!

 

by Xuanwu
10-18-06
Wow, that guy is loaded. What's he do for a living?
He's in the film industry. He specializes in distribution.
Film distribution? How is that lucrative?
He found a way to package discs for ultra-high end customers using gemstones.
What'd he call it?
"Movies on Diamond."

 

by Xuanwu
10-18-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
It'll turn this comic into a cliched retread of an 80's movie.
Radical!
Yank!
This is heavy.
Great scott!

 

by Xuanwu
10-18-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
Oh, that'll kill every man above 4 feet 6 inches in height and make all women beautiful.
...
This was a commission from Woody Allen, wasn't it, Dad?

 

by Xuanwu
10-18-06
Hungry... Must eat... Must feed...
Don't you think humans are civilized enough to forego our barbaric meat eating rituals?
RAAAAAAR!
AAAAAAHHHH!
Mmm, tastes like chicken.

 

by Xuanwu
10-19-06
WHOO! I am ready to part-ay! Where the Bachelor's party be at?
Um, excuse me, what are doing here? This is a Bar Mitzvah party.
Are there any s-?
You'd best not finish that question. I have my brit milah tools close at hand.

 

by Xuanwu
10-19-06
What about X-rated movies? Got any of those?
We managed to secure a rare director's cut of... "Funny Girl."
"Funny Girl?"
Yes.
Okay, I'm in.

 

Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
by Xuanwu, 10-19-06

 

by Xuanwu
10-20-06
Look's like they have a big event going on at the local college.
They're hosting a conference on world politics. Lots of international figures are going to give presentations.
Who are the guests?
England's Prime Minister, the President of China, the Russian President, lots of others.
Do you know the speaking order?
Hu's on first.

 

by Xuanwu
10-20-06
Mr. Coppola, I don't think Godfather Part 4 is a very good idea. The original actors still hate you for Part 3.
Nonsense! Abe Vigoda signed up. For the rest of the cast, we'll do it like Roger Rabbit: mix real people with cartoons drawn in a popular art style.
What style?
Anime!
Godfather Part 4
Tomcat, can't you get me out of this? For old time's sake.
Sorry, Tessio. Not this time. Nyu~!

 

by Xuanwu
10-21-06
The Pr0n rides again.
Next one up: "Gigli."
...
...
I ain't touchin' this.
Oh, the horror!

 

by Xuanwu
10-21-06
Blue, I don't thik you're really cut out for this job.
It's not my fault! That guy keeps coming up with weird titles! Give me a chance!
All right. Try: "A Fistful of Dollars."
"A Mouthful of Dick."
Not bad. How about: "Bio-Dome."
Um... "A Mouthful of Dick."

 

by Xuanwu
10-21-06
"Saving Private Ryan."
"Saving a Mouthful of Dick."
"Titanic."
"A Big Mouthful of Dick."
"Silence of the Lambs."
"A Mouthful of Dick...with Fava Beans."

 

by Xuanwu
10-21-06
I really don't think you're cut out for this.
Give me another chance!
Fine, last one: "Spider-Man."
Uh... "A Mouthful of Shot Web?"
... All right, you can stay.
Thanks!

 

by Xuanwu
10-22-06
God, I can't believe those Mafia jerks. They expect me to let their big chested bimbo co-star in MY picture? Idiots!
Hey, something's pulling on my leg. Something... slimy...
Y halo thar
NOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by Xuanwu
10-23-06
I'm thinking of taking a vacation. Know a good one?
The local travel agent, Mr. Robinson, handles some trips.
What's he got?
His most popular offering is time on a luxury liner where you learn knitting.
That doesn't sound very exciting.
You don't like Robinson's Cruise Sew?

 

by Xuanwu
10-23-06
I just came back from volunteering on a farm. Here's an ear of corn.
Thanks!
If you ever need help blessing a meal, I'll be there to help.
That's good to know.
What was that about?
A maize and grace.

 

by Xuanwu
10-25-06
Ew, who's that guy urinating on the auto over there?
Oh, that's just Crazy Jonathan. He's harmless.
Why do people let him get away with that?
He's something of a celebrity around here.
I've never heard of him.
Really? Lots of newspapers had headlines about "Jon Marks Car."

 

by Xuanwu
10-25-06
Are you the bartender who pours the "Glass of God?"
I select each drink based on the individual needs of my customers. This is the "Glass of God" you speak of.
I'm feeling down in the dumps. Can I have one?
Certainly. Here you are.
Hey! This is just a Sam Adams!
It's a very godly drink, you know.

 

by Xuanwu
10-25-06
Pouring the Glass of God.
Exams are a pain.
I think you could use a Sam Adams.
HMBGRPLRF!
One Sam Adams coming up.
Sam Adams! My favorite!
Your welcome.

 

by Xuanwu
10-25-06
A 'bar' is a perch, a stool. And 'tender' means kindness. So tenderness exists in a bar because of the bartender.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by Xuanwu
10-25-06
Bleah. I'm an old man who hates bars. So when I build one I'm going to call all the employees "barkeeps" and treat them like the brainless minions they are.
I hate bars like that!
Squee! A Sam Adams! It's just what you served me in Paris all those years ago!
... Do I know you?

 

by Xuanwu
10-25-06
Episode 1
I am the main character. Watch me pilot my Gund - er, I mean, mecha, and save the day!
Yay! You're so cool!
Episode 2
I am also a main character, but not as main as the other guy. Now watch as I steal the spotlight for the only time, after which I'll be forever eclipsed.
You're still pretty awesome.
Episode 3
TOBOR AM HERE TO CORNHOLE ENEMY!
Um... okay...

 

by Xuanwu
10-28-06
Lots of noise coming from that building over there.
That's the home of the local mouthwash magnate.
What's he doing?
Looks like he's erecting some statues on the outer walls.
Isn't that a bit out of place on a modern structure?
I guess he really likes gargle-oyles.

 

by Xuanwu
10-29-06
Mom! What are you doing? Oh, no!
I can't believe what I've found in your room, son. Why did you bring such disgusting filth into this house?!
Those magazines aren't mine! Really!
I thought I raised you as a decent, clean youth. And now I find out you've been looking at nasty pictures!
Oh, come on, Mom. Latex isn't that kinky.
That's it, young man! I don't ever want to find another issue of RubberChix in this house! Or so help me I will pluck you myself!

 

by Xuanwu
11-01-06
I guess you could say we had the "mill" of adventure.
Ha ha! Very good, Mr. Peabody!
Now, Sherman, it's time for my bath.
Um... I'm not really ready right now...
I said it's time to LICK MY BALLS, BITCH!
R-r-right away, Mr. Peabody!

Showing page 4.

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