All comics by Xuanwu

Profile

 

by Xuanwu
12-15-03
I am Mars, God of war, second planet from the sun. Now ph33r me, for I am the brightest thing in the whole damn sky!
FOURTH PLANET! YOU'RE THE FOURTH PLANET FROM THE SUN! :P
I LAG!
Slut.

 

by Xuanwu
12-15-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
Jesus, you just won't believe the hit you've made around here. You are all we talk about, the wonder of the year...
When I get back, Neeley and Webber are going to get a crucifix where I don't shine.

 

by Xuanwu
12-16-03
Happy Birthday, Jesus! Santa sends his love...and this present.
That milk-swilling glory hound? Put it with the others.
...and I want a doggy, and another leg for Jimmy, and a seashell, and a Polly Perky Tits dolly, and...
For the last time, I'm not Santa!! Now go play in Saddam's bunker.
You know, it would be funny if you sang "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" right now.
You know, it would be funny if you sucked my "Biggus Dickus" right now.

 

by Xuanwu
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
Why are you going to dress me up as Judge Judy and then cover me in wrapping paper?
Some kid requested a squash court.

 

by Xuanwu
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
No, no, you see, "fuck" is just French for "The best holiday ever is." The French say "Fuck Christmas!" all the time! Honest! Please don't feed me to the reindeer...
I think the coal supply of France will be experiencing a dramatic surge this Christmas.

 

by Xuanwu
12-23-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
Then we went back to my hang and I pumped her good! You should have the way she was beggin' and moanin' for more! Man, I love those angsty Wiccan types!
When can you bring her up to my place? I'm in the mood for a HO HO HO!

 

by Xuanwu
12-24-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
And that's when I realized: if I kill you and claim your powers, I could hand out presents on Halloween! And people would refer to me as "The Supreme Squash!"
You're just doing this so you can screw the kid who carries around the blanket, aren't you?

 

by Xuanwu
12-24-03
Random Carved Pumpkin, I am so pissed now that Halloween is over.
I know, Generic Halloween Symbol! They'll forget about us until next year.
Now we have to step out of the limelight and let them have their day.
And people do their Christmas shopping 7 months in advance!They won't even think about US again until October! FUCK Christmas!
And that's when I realized, Santa: there candy only one!
Good thing my real name is Connor MaClaus!

 

by Xuanwu
12-24-03
I'm starting to be worried about Santa.
Oh?
I think the stress and unhealthy eating habits are affecting his brain.
How can you tell?
Absolutely nothing wrong with handing out pink leather underwear! HO HO HO!
Mm, it's rubbing me in all the right places!

 

by Xuanwu
12-24-03
All right, there are five onion rings and six of us. I get one because I'm cool. First four to wave their hands get the rest.
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
Mine!
...Bugger.

 

by Xuanwu
12-24-03
Howdy, neighbor! Wonderful day, isn't it? I hope you're feeling chipper!
Um...just a question: you do know I used to deal in stolen goods, right? Most people around here know about my criminal past.
Yep. I do.
Then...why are you so happy to see me?
Because good fences make good neighbors!

 

by Xuanwu
12-24-03
Hey, again.
Howdy!
I don't suppose you know what would be a good pet to have? I don't have a lot of money.
Ah, in that case, get a bird!
Why?
They fit well in a tight budgy!

 

by Xuanwu
12-25-03
December 31st, 11:55 PM.
I resolve to stop biting people who annoy me in the groin.
January 1st, 12:05 AM.
A squirrel! A furry rodent! Let me cuddle, pet, and GGGWWWIINNDADADY WAAHKKKK you!
Happy New Year!
My crotch! It bleeds!
Wanker.

 

by Xuanwu
12-25-03
Gah, my sleep's been terrible lately.
Why's that?
There are two physicists who live upstairs. They constantly argue about theories until dawn. It's nuts.
Ah. Well, tell them to argue about matter. Physicists hate that topic.
Why?
All they wind up doing is mass debate.

 

by Xuanwu
12-26-03
You know, I haven't met too many of the other people around here.
Well, Christ lives a few doors down. He's pretty friendly.
Wait - Christ? As in Jesus Christ the Son of God?
Yep, that's the one.
I never thought one of the key religious figures in history would be found living in the projects...
His mom makes great virgin smoothies.

 

by Xuanwu
12-26-03
And so, Cain fled to the land of Nod.
How did he eventually die?
Some suspect he may have become sick after ingesting unhatched fowl that lived in the area.
Egg Nod. Right.
Others think he may have experimented with corn syrup and fell into a vat of the substance.
The world's first candy Cain.

 

by Xuanwu
12-27-03
Watch much TV?
Some. I prefer the European shows, though.
What's good on the airways there?
Well, Scotland has their own version of "Survivor." It's much better than the original.
How does that work?
Contestants get voted off the highland.

 

by Xuanwu
12-27-03
Hillary Clinton makes a resolution.
I resolve to try and be a mother for once, rather than bad mouthing homemakers just to score points with NOW.
January 1st.
Chelsea! I baked cookies!
Oh? And what's on them? Rat poison? I remember what happened to Buddy and you're not going to off me that easy, "Mom."
Well, screw that. Back to being a witch in a business suit.

 

by Xuanwu
12-27-03
December 31st.
We're live in Times Square!
This year I resolve to stop spending so much money on toys, movies, and other stuff.
We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors!
I need to grow up. I can't waste money on frivolous items like graphic novels.
Coming in January: the 23 DVD set of all six Star Wars movies! Complete with an all nude spread of Natalie Portman!
Curse you, fandom.

 

by Xuanwu
12-28-03
For a limited time only: life size fully articulated Rei Ayanami figurines! Have a clone of your own!
Long thought lost to time, the mysterious fourth book to the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy has been found! And it's available in a leather cover decorated with 24k gold leafing!
Now you, too, can own the underwear Harrison Ford soiled during a tricky stunt on Indiana Jones!
All right...you had me up until that last one.
Buggery!
Suck it, Popeil!

 

by Xuanwu
12-28-03
December 31st, 11:59:55 PM
5...4...3...2...1...Happy New Year!
Yay?
And now a word from our sponsors:
The temptation continues...
Can I interest you in a model used on the set of Space 1999?
Get thee behind me, you peddler of profligacy!

 

by Xuanwu
12-29-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
It's...Howard Dean driving a pickup with the "Fab Five" in the rear!
This is Bravo company requesting artillery, napalm, and Puff the Magic Dragon! Agent Orange? No, that clashes with grays...

 

by Xuanwu
12-29-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
It's an orgy! With pie! Oh, the wonderful pie...
I think we'll have to get our jizz turrets out for this one. AUH-TEN-SHUN!

 

by Xuanwu
12-29-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
It's four kids on Segways! And...and...they're speaking in 1337!
Trolling. Spamming. Blogging. Cracking. I doubt even Lahaye and Jenkins saw this e-pocalypse coming...

 

by Xuanwu
12-29-03
Very well. If you will not buy my normal wares, I will have to unleash my greatest asset!
La la la! I'm not listening!
A complete set of all Generation 1 Transformers! Including rare variants of Megatron and Optimus Prime!
IRONHIDE! Must...resist... SOUNDWAVE! Must... STARSCREAM! turn...TV... WHEELJACK! ...off.
MUAH-HA-HA-HA!
So much for that resolution. Let's roll 'em out!

 

by Xuanwu
12-29-03
The Resolution...
...And that's why my bedroom is filled with Transformers toys.
Wow. I'm impressed how you resisted the earlier temptations.
It wasn't easy. I still have dreams about that Portman nude spread. Though they usually end with my jizz turret firing prematurely...
How did you afford the toys, though? I thought you were broke.
I sold the TV.
Huh? But wasn't your TV one of those all-in-one computer systems? The one with all your porn? Sucks to be you, dude.

 

by Xuanwu
12-29-03
"...and so the dog exploded, killing Sam and ending his reign. The end."
Wow. That was a very interesting story. Did you write it yourself?
Nope! I bought one of those new "Robot Writers."
I've heard of them. Artists are in an uproar now that machines can be artistic. But I heard buying one is a pain. How did it go?
Well, the salesman was a little pushy. But he was very willing to customize the robot to my needs. No way could I turn it down.
I see. He made you an author you couldn't refuse.

 

by Xuanwu
12-30-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
With my 200,000th comic, I shall unleash my ultimate pun! Thousands shall die a groaning death! Muah-ha-ha!
Must... crash... hard drive...

 

by Xuanwu
12-30-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Soldier boy! Sucky sucky! Five dolla!
We love you long time!

 

by Xuanwu
12-30-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
Phasers set on "deep fry," sir!
Good! Keep waving the flag and saying we come in peace. Then shoot to kill!

 

by Xuanwu
12-31-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
"It is the year 2005. The Decepticons have conquered the Autobot's home planet of Cybertron..."
Next January, you idiot.

 

by Xuanwu
12-31-03
2004 approaching, sir!
Good, corporal. Keep it in your sights. We don't want to lose it.
OH... MY... GOD!!!
What is it, corporal?? What do you see!!
The ball in Times Square fell and crushed Dick Clark!
Darn! I knew I should have picked him for the SC Dead Pool.

 

by Xuanwu
1-01-04
One day at the local pr0n studio...
Okay, we need a porn title for "Rosemary's Baby!"
"Rosemary's Boobies!"
"Rape Mary's Buttocks!"
"Throw Mary's Baby... Into a Woodchipper!"
Ewwwww.

 

by Xuanwu
1-01-04
Another day, another pr0n movie...
All right, porn-acize "Casino Royale."
"Casino Pork All."
"Ass In-Out Royale."
"Cassy On Tentacles...Getting Her Innards Ripped Out!"
Ick!

 

by Xuanwu
1-02-04

 

by Xuanwu
1-02-04

 

by Xuanwu
1-03-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
I blame it all on the Commie Pinko Jewish Teenage Mutant Ninja Preppy Heterosexual Socialist Islamic Fundamentalist Japanese Radical Lesbian Orthodox Christian Gweeps!
My thoughts, exactly, Red.

 

by Xuanwu
1-03-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
I think it had something to do with how you fired that uzi into the crowd while yelling "GIVE ME JIZZ TURRETS OR GIVE ME DEATH!"
Oh, yeah...You wouldn't happen to have any, would you?

 

by Xuanwu
1-03-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Uh...riot? What riot?
DAMN! The interns screwed up the special effects again!

 

by Xuanwu
1-04-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
China was unveiling its Linux OS when a Windows users yelled that Linux was for "pinkos." Then an Apple guy called the others "iFruits." It hit the cooling fan after that.
Our hearts go out to the families of the gweeps that have been slaughtered this day.

 

by Xuanwu
1-04-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Riot? We're just shooting "Gangs of New York 2."
Play along! It's a slow newsday.

 

by Xuanwu
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
People kept going on about "What would Jesus do?" Then someone remembered what Christ did to the merchants in the temple...
I see. For more on the subject, stay tuned for our special: "Jesus: Nice Guy or Commie Bastard?"

 

by Xuanwu
1-06-04
The pr0n keeps coming...
"Alien vs. Predator." Go!
"Allen vs. Polly Perky Tits!"
"Alien Violates Prostate!"
"All In Vern's Penis... Stuffing It with Pineapples!"
Nuuu! Make the images stop!

 

by Xuanwu
1-06-04
Porn-ication galore!
Something different this time, boys. An anime title: "Hamtaro."
"Huge Tit-os!"
"Ham Spanko!"
"Hamsters... Getting Buggered by Dongs!"
The hamsters! OH, BOB IN HEAVEN! Make me stop thinking about the hamsters!

 

by Xuanwu
1-06-04
I found a place down the street! Let us go explore its goodness!
What sort of place is it?
It's a RAB YAG, RAB YAG, RAB YAG!
GAH! No!
What? What's wrong with what I said?
It was FU-BAR, FU-BAR, FU-BAR!

 

by Xuanwu
1-06-04
Good evening. We have a developing story out of New York City where a riot is going on right now. Let's go to Phil McCracken live on the scene.
I'm here with Red Thompson, who has been a witness to the carnage since the beginning. Red, can you tell us how this riot started?
Science has failed us! No one predicted there'd be mutant alligators in the sewers! And now, after years of feeding on human waste, they've decided to go after the source!
They feed on human excrement, eh? Guess we should tell [insert name of political figure / institution here] to stay out of town! Ha ha ha!

 

by Xuanwu
1-07-04
[BigBlueMan] ...I slip off your panties with ease, eying the fruits that lay beneath. [HelplessMaiden] Oooo!
[BigBlueMan] Suddenly, my crotch springs to life and a dozen tentacles erupt! A tentacle reaches up to enter your panting mouth...
[HelplessMaiden] Mouth? No! You start with the groin! You make them horny so they won't bite you on the way in.
[BigBlueMan] Huh? How do you know?
Let's just say I have my sources. Heh heh heh.

 

by Xuanwu
1-07-04
No rest for the pr0n makers...
Another anime title for ya'll: "Shaman King."
"Hymen King."
"Slam 'n Ream."
"Shave 'em Clean... with a Vat of Sulphuric Acid!"
Why do you say things you know will repulse me?!

 

by Xuanwu
1-07-04
[Insert phrase with the word "pr0n" in it.]
[Insert name of random movie.]
[Insert variant of movie title dealing with breasts or vanilla sex.]
[Insert variant of movie title dealing with the derriere or anal sex.]
[Insert variant of movie title that is weird and/or disturbing.]
[Insert reaction to weird variant movie title.]

 

by Xuanwu
1-09-04
This is Krys Krystoferrson here with the news. We go live to Phil McKracken, who is covering a recent riot at a McDonalds restaurant.
So, why exactly did the workers start to scream and burn things?
We found out the horrible truth! The new Chicken McNuggets... are PEOPLE!
I'm lovin' it.

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