All comics by Zimri

 

by Zimri
9-16-05
"Our top winner in this Showcase Showdown is...LAINEESHA!"
I wish I had added a "no blacks allowed" to my contract, back when I signed it in 1972.
"...and the runner up is MORRIS!"
And a "no Jews" one would be useful, too.
"...we will be proud to award you BOTH showcases!"
Actually, we try to avoid that. If you win both you're going to jump and down like a dumbass.

 

by Zimri
9-16-05
"And you've all overbid, go lower than $750."
No one can cansole me...
"...with the actual retail price of..."
...I'm quickly becoming a grumpy, irascible old man, but I've been around too long to be fired.
"I have a pricing game for you to play!"
Hopefully some crazy fan will hug me hard enough to crush my pitiful organs and give me the painful death I deserve.

 

by Zimri
9-16-05
Mandingo does eight shots at once, and pays for it.
Oh, goddamn you alcohol poisoning! I am dying!
I wonder what heaven will be like...
Not much different from earth, apparantly.
Stick 'em up, bitch!

 

by Zimri
9-16-05
So my last unemployment check came almost a week late.
Damn lazy post office!

 

by Zimri
9-17-05
You know, you like to drop the word "girlfriend" all over the place in your comics.
I guess so.
I think you've had maybe one girlfriend in your entire life, and that was way back in high school.
Well, see, I set my sights on girls that are way out of my league and then when they half-heartedly respond and because they are too nice to tell me to piss off, I consider them a grilfriend!
...go jump off a building.
So, have you gotten a job yet?

 

by Zimri
9-17-05
So let me ask you something...
But of course.
Why do you revel in making fun of the Eagles? If you don't like football, just shut up about it.
See, I like to seem "different." So if I sling mud at something that most people enjoy, it makes me seem "cool" and "superior."
Yeah, either that or you're a douche bag.
I love you.

 

by Zimri
9-17-05
"...the actual retail price of your showcase is..."
We have several different kind of people here on the Price is Right.
"...$52,576..."
The annoying college student, the suspiciously queer-sounding serviceman, and of course the ridiculously old lady.
"...and now we are going to meet..."
And Barker's Beauties who don't know how to keep their mouths shut and accept hush money. That's the worse kind.

 

by Zimri
9-17-05
"...I'd like to give you..."
There's something that not many people know about me.
"...Showcase Showdown coming up..."
I'm a vegetarian.
"..we'd like you to be a member of our audience..."
Except for negro baby flesh.

 

by Zimri
9-18-05
"...back with more pricing games after this..."
Ah! Go ahead and laugh and sing, you've got your vacation to Milan.
"...welcome to Contestant's Row..."
Little do you know that Bob Barker is the ultimate winner.
"...let's have a winner!"
I ran over your filthy, obnoxious kid when I came in this morning.

 

by Zimri
9-18-05
I honestly don't remember passing out last night. Did you put me to bed?
Uh...if you want to call it that.
...so that's why I was handcuffed to the headboard.
You kept squirming.

 

by Zimri
9-18-05
So what's up with your "Loving Zimri Series?"
I like to throw people a curveball every once in a while.
I was expecting something along the lines of "Zimri is a Liberal Faggot" series.
Well, you know me. I always try to be different,
You're not going to make me feel guilty enough to delete any comics, you know.
Poo.

 

by Zimri
9-18-05
So my friends and I drank last night, and I am the first one up.
I'm always the jerk that's awake early and annoying everybody after partying.
Oh my God, put down the cleaver!
Oh yeah, and I'm always the one cutting off hooker's heads. That, too.

 

by Zimri
9-18-05
Wow. You've been on this website since 2002? You're such a regular. You probably glow.
I do glow, Mandingo. But there is a power plant near here.
Ah, I'm sure its regulated.
Yeah, tell that to my third penis.

 

by Zimri
9-19-05
So we're going to write a movie together, and we're going to star in it.
I know! I'm so excited.
Its going to be a great time.
I agree, I totally agree.
I still don't like you.
Aw, burn.

 

by Zimri
9-19-05
You look like you could use a beer.
I could, I really could.
Why not make a midnight beer run?
I have to save my money for rent and for school books.
Books, schmooks. This is beer we're talking about.
Good point. Got change for a fifty?

 

by Zimri
9-21-05
"...tell us about these products..."
For years I've been talking about spaying and neutering pets.
"...you have three more chances..."
I am an advocae of controlling the pet population.
"...you must come within a thousand dollars..."
I throw "neutering" parties several times a week at my mansion.

 

by Zimri
9-21-05
I can't believe the daunting mission we are bout to undertake!
Yes, daunting.
Imagine, entering the orbit of Venus. Such an awesome and auspicous occasion requires total solemnity.
Solemnity?! You spent the last four months getting here masturbating and throwing your own feces around!
...but you did the same.
Hey, you outrank me. What was I supposed to do?

 

by Zimri
9-21-05
So you've been all over me for drinking lately.
Yeah! You're partying way too much!
Remember that time you got really drunk and threw up inside Nick's van?
He doesn't even have that van anymore.
Or how about that instance where I got to a party an hour after you and you were already passed out?
...you're drinking too much!

 

by Zimri
9-21-05
True virtue derives from love and hope, Ezekial.
Aye, aye.
I think X-Files is on.
Let's do it doggy-style so we can both watch it.

 

by Zimri
9-21-05
Drunk of my ass at the local deli.
Uh, sir, are you SURE you want all of these things on your sandwhich?
I believe I know what I'm doing when I order a hoagie. Why, what's the problem?
You ordered four seperate animals on one sandwhich!
I'm a growing squirrel, what can I say?

 

by Zimri
9-22-05
Zimri?
Twenty minutes later
...sorry, Mandingo, I was eating.
It's ok. I was masturbating, thinking about you eating.
...
No utensils. ::Purrrr::

 

by Zimri
9-23-05
You know, Mandingo, our Instant Messenger conversations should just be a sitcom.
They should be a religion!
I call god!
I call...EVANGELIST!
Dumbass. Call the "son of god."
Hell no, that fucker gets it in the end.

 

This will REALLY irritate him.
So I went to the Paul McCartney show last night.
Who?
by Zimri, 9-23-05

 

by Zimri
9-23-05
"...we have with us here John, from the university of..."
I really wish I could spay and neuter the critics who justifiably are fed up with me.
"...I was talking with the Gonzalez family during the break..."
And all of the idiots who watch this show every day and yet don't know how to play the games.
"...goodbye, everybody!"
And finally, myself, so my cruel and tragic seed will never be spread.

 

by Zimri
9-26-05
What do you call a Puerto Rican who graduates from medical school?
...a doctor, you racist.

 

by Zimri
9-28-05
Mandingo, have you ever seen the classic porno "The Devil in Mrs. Johnson"?
No, I haven't.
How about "Deepthroat"?
Nope, sorry. The god of porn must be mad at me.
I AM MAD! NOW SACRAFICE VIRIGNS TO ME!
Virgins? Where?

 

by Zimri
9-30-05
*KNOCK KNOCK*
This is the fourteenth house I've been to. Hopefully this one will do the trick.
Errrm, hello, I'm collecting money for the fraternal brotherhood of black and white Stripcreator characters...
Jesus! ARE YOU JACKING OFF?
Not anymore!

 

by Zimri
10-04-05
A lot has been said to me about Alcoac's recent comic "John Lockjaw", and the supposed racial slur that I exclaimed during the Eagles game on Sunday.
I actually said, "T.O.! If that was a hundred dollar bill you'd have caught that, you greedy nigger!"
At least, I think I said that. I was drinking Rolling Rock and drowning black babies at the time. Busy, you see.

 

by Zimri
10-04-05
I'll tell you what, Mandingo, I love drinking with my buddies.
You know what's even better?
What's that?
Getting head with all my buddies, all of us togther...them rubbing my ass, me slowly carressing...
...
What?!

 

by Zimri
10-06-05
First time in prison, chile'?
Yeah, sucks, doesn't it?
If there be anything I can do to help, you, chile', ask me.
Listen, I'm not a dyke.
Kiss me or you'll be sorry.
Crap.

 

by Zimri
10-07-05
You know, I hate to say it, but...
...you told me so?
Absolutely. Our baby was too young to play Jesus in the Stations of the Cross.
How was I supposed to know that the nails would go all the way through!?

 

by Zimri
10-10-05
So about the move we're writing, directing, and starring in, we have to rehearse on Friday.
Oh, I've got to go to Oasis in Baltimore.
I was thinking of going over some stuff on Saturday, then.
Can't. Pearl Jam in Atlantic City. What about Sunday?
No can do. Eagles game.
You undedicated, football-loving bastard!

 

by Zimri
10-10-05
That last comic made Alcoac sign off of AOL Instant Messenger in disgust.
He's probably got his head in the oven right now.
...the Killers are on Jay Leno tonight.

 

No, I really like it...but could you please take the sock puppet off of your dick?
by Zimri, 10-10-05

 

by Zimri
10-10-05
The AIDs virius is the scourge of God.
Aye, aye.
Got any money?
Nope, spent it all. Male escorts, you see.

 

by Zimri
10-11-05
Seeing an old lover again...
Oh, wow, Phillip...strange seeing you here.
Yeah...it IS, isn't it...
...it got weird, didn't it?
Well, I think you made it weird.
What do you mean?
Do the words "Squirts Milk When Squeezed" mean anything to you?!

 

by Zimri
10-11-05
Want to tell me why you hit your mother in the head with the axe?
She was asking me questions, Officer.
...I like your shirt.

 

by Zimri
10-11-05
I'm all about hot Star Trek women. I like the one who played Seven of Nine the best.
She can set my phaser to CUM!

 

by Zimri
10-11-05
::Type type type::
Hello...you've got...PORN!
...I'm so happy, I don't know what to say!

 

by Zimri
10-11-05
Oh, God! This awful war! DAMN YOU PRESIDENT BUSH!
...shouldn't you be damning yourself for enlisting voluntarily in the army?
...but he talks dumb!

 

WARNING! Zimri pwnz DragonXero hardcore!
History homework sucks, Zimri. I think history stopped being interesting to me around 1945.
History ceased to be interesting to me about a month ago, also known as the last time I buried my dude piston in a meat cave.
by Zimri, 10-11-05

 

by Zimri
10-11-05
You get a gold star for your last comic.
Ooo, I feel special. And like I'm in kindergarten, too.
Indeed. Those are the best school years ever.
I used to snuggle and kiss little kindergarten girls under their blankets during nap time.
Ha! You got nasty with little girls back then?
What do you mean, "back then"?

 

by Zimri
10-12-05
Did you win your last poker game?
Well, I came into some money...
I come in money...when I'm inside of an underage meat wallet.
I know, I was holding the camera, remember?

 

by Zimri
10-12-05
Here, try this drink.
::Sip:: Ooo, its strong!
Yeah...it's a stiff one!
You like them stiff?!
...mierda.

 

Big Benny Rottenburger, the Bus, and Troy Polamalu's hair.
by Zimri, 10-19-05

 

by Zimri
10-19-05
I'm part American Indian.
Me, too. So both of our ancestors raped an Indian. Get off it.
I do get off on raping Indians.
...

 

by Zimri
10-19-05
The new series "30 Year Old Grandfather" is loosely based on Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's whirlwind romance.
Viewers will laugh and cry as Demi Moore struggles to keep her shirt on and Ashton Kutcher pretends not to be a douche bag.

 

by Zimri
10-20-05
::Cough Cough:: I'm sick.
Being a child molester isn't "sick!"
It's a privilege!

 

by Zimri
10-21-05
Le sigh! I am the only one who can truly appreciate the works of Edgar Allen Poe.
What do you mean?
It takes a verily Gothic demeanor to fully recognize the magnitutde of Mr. Poe.
Yeah, that and an ever present ass-like body stench.
That's the smell of darkness!

 

by Zimri
10-21-05
Ths girl I know is really hot. I'd put it in her box.
I'd do her real hard.
And she'd be all like, "Unngggh!" And I'd just be nodding.
And then a single tear would roll down my cheek as I realize what I've become. END SCENE!

Showing page 4.

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