All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
5-07-10
goo goo... gack uckk! what the hell was that?
sure i will ... if you gimme a piece of candy.
yum yum... only $20.
HELLO?!!! I'm a WHORE!!! WHORE HERE!!! May I have your attention please? I'm a FUCKING WHORE!!! For $10 I'll suck your FUCKING DICK!!! For a lobster dinner, I'll EAT YOUR CRUSTY ASSHOLE!!!
Well?!!! You like what you see? Don't worry boy, I still got what it takes! I'll toss your fuckin' salad for $5.
First I was a 'candy striper', then I was a loving and devoted housewife.

 

by bigworm
5-09-10
What's up Mohammed?
I am!!! I'm kicking your ass in the polls!!!
Do you always have to bring that up?
I told you a long time ago, you got to promise them sex in the afterlife.
I hate it when this happens.
Now, repeat after me... unused cunts, unused cunts, unused cunts, unused cunts, unused cunts...

 

you don't tell anybody i'm a worm... and i won't tell anybody you're a chicken beak.
bok bok bok bokee!!!
by bigworm, 5-09-10

 

by bigworm
5-09-10
You know what Boosker?
What?
You smell like shit!
Yup!
Now you're gonna' get all the chicks!

 

by bigworm
5-09-10
But...
BUT NOTHIN'!!! I'm tired of suckin' it!!
So you're tired of suckin' it are ya'? *Biff* *Boff* *Bam*!!
ooph! uhh! aaah! oww!
How 'bout now?
I jus' (shlurrp) wanna' (schslapp schlopp),suck it all night long!!!

 

by bigworm
5-09-10
You've got a lot of work lined up today honey... are you up for it!??
Well?
You're the one who's gotta' be up for it.

 

by bigworm
5-09-10
Your first job of the day is to service Ben's account on the 5th floor.
You mean 'BIG BEN'?
I should've known by the width of your smile! You've already serviced Ben's account.

 

by bigworm
5-13-10
Why are you so sad little puppy?
'Cus I have to...
Were you able to find out why the little doggey is so sad?
Um hum.
He said "'Cus he has to lick his own balls."

 

by bigworm
5-13-10
When it's all said and done...
...and I'm done licking my own balls...
it's better anti-climaxing in my own mouth.

 

by bigworm
5-13-10
My day is filled with giving to others, in effort to live a rightgeous life.
Each evening I look inward to discover my own needs...
...and jack-off like there's no tomorrow.

 

by bigworm
5-14-10
Oh my God!!! What are you doing? What's the knife for? Why the wide face?
What are you talking about? My face is naturally white!
No! WIDE, not WHITE!
You mean "Why the LONG face?"
Did I say LONG?? NO, I said WIDE you stupid FUCK!!! Go ahead, KILL yourself for all I care!! Hurry the fuck up about it too, would you?

 

by bigworm
5-15-10
The fact that it has an exterior entrance and a window doesn't matter.
But I'm gonna' put an air conditioner in...
An air conditioner doesn't matter.
...and don't forget the couch.
It's a closet... and you've got to come out.

 

by bigworm
5-16-10
One day I was out by the barn, where I happened upon a large fly.
Good day to you Mr. Fly.
Same to you sir. I'd like to become a member of the Amish community.
I deemed him unfit for the Amish faith.
I regret to inform you, that's not possible.
Why is that? Is it because I'm a stinking germ infested fly? Is it because I eat shit... your own included? Is it because I wasn't born into the faith?
Before I could even answer the fly, he left a large bowel movement right there in front of my barn. Anger got the better of me.
HONEY!!! Would you please bring me the swatter?

 

by bigworm
5-16-10
Using my innate sense of efficiency,
Honey??! Nevermind bringing me the swatter!
I began to delegate responsibility.
Bring the children, a wheelbarrow, and a scoop!!

 

by bigworm
5-16-10
Come on out da' closet baby, I got some chicken and ribs fo' ya'll!
I don't want no chicken and ribs!
How 'bout some cookies and milk baby?
You know I don't drink no milk!
How 'bout some fresh roasted, suga' coated weenies, fresh out da' oven! UM UM!!!
Now you're talkin'... where dey at?

 

by bigworm
5-19-10
Tonight a viewer asks Jesus one of those 'QUESTIONS THAT BAFFLE US'. That viewer asks... "Jesus, why don't you have holes in your hands, or at least some scars?"
But I do! Have faith and you will be able to see them too!
Faith being a belief in something unseen. So if you're really here, wouldn't that preclude the presence of...
Smart-ass!
Thank you Jesus for restoring our faith in you!!!

 

by bigworm
5-19-10
Before it was scooped up and thrown out, God showed me a way to profit from the fly's visit...
My wife operates a family bakery.
Honey, also bring some empty flour sacks!!!

 

We made a special 'Black Bread' from that steaming heap of fly poo. We sold it only to the non-Amish community so as not to violate our strict code of ethics.
Yes, I would like a loaf of your new 'Black Bread' please.
by bigworm, 5-19-10

 

by bigworm
5-19-10
Right away our bakery had problems...
I don't know if you remember me, but I came in yesterday and bought a loaf of your new 'Black Bread'.
No, I don't remember you, we sold a lot of loaves yesterday.
Actually, yesterday I did look somewhat different.
Once again I determined my wife to be the best pick in this instance.
Honey!!! Would you please come to the front?

 

by bigworm
5-19-10
I tried to say the right things...
Mr. Smith, I am deeply sorry that you have been afflicted with the color black!
No need to be sorry, I just have one or two vestigial white attributes that you may be able to help me correct.
...but at times...
Would you happen to have any loaves of 'Long Black Bread'?
...I was mystified.
You catchin' my drift?

 

by bigworm
5-20-10
That night I had a dream. God explained what 'Long Black Bread' meant.
Now... with regards to the term 'vestigial white attribute', I'm talkin' about my THANG!!!
So you want me to do a #2 out the #1 hole, for the purpose of using my #2 / #1 as an ingredient in a bread, which when eaten will enlarge one's penis?
Yes.
It seems to me that there might be an ethics issue here.
Maybe I should talk to the horse.

 

by bigworm
5-27-10
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S PRESS CONFERENCE OF MAY 27, 2010
You know, I was in the bathroom this morning when my daughter opened the door, stuck her head in and said... "Daddy, have you plugged the hole yet?"
I told her, not yet darling...
...it's wide open and gushin'!

 

by bigworm
5-27-10
So then my daughter said... "Daddy, why haven't you plugged that hole up yet?"
So I said to her...
...PLUGGED IT UP??!! Hell honey, I just OPENED it up! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

 

by bigworm
5-28-10
Brother, we are to undertake a serious investigation into your ethics, regarding an issue that our brother elephant has brought before us.
Well? What say you?!!
...uhhh
Me no speaky elephant?

 

by bigworm
5-28-10
Let us convene this session of...
Excuse me brother, but I would like to request that this particular committee undergo a name change, prior to bringing my issue before it.
What's wrong with the present name...'Amish Committee on Ethics, Invoked Now, Thereby and Hereby Endowed, Holisticaly to Oversee Loose Ethics'?
Oh, I don't know really.
Somethin' about 'Ace In The Hole' just doesn't sound right.

 

by bigworm
6-02-10
Hey!!! I know you!!! You're the kid that pulled my brother's wings off!
Eat shit!
YEOOWWW!!!
Let that be a lesson to ya' punk!!!

 

by bigworm
6-02-10
Love comes in many colors...
Well... will you?
Aaaiiieeeeeeeeeee!!!
...however, in this case...all the colors happen to be dark, so we'll just have to settle for listening in.
OOPH!!! OOPH!! OOPH!! OOPH!! OOPH!! OOPH!! OOPHAA!! OOPHAA!!
EEYUGG!! EEYUGG!! EEYUGG!! EEYUGG!! EEYUGG!! EEYUGG!! YAP.. YAPOOEEE!!!
Though calling it a 'baby' might be a misnomer, calling it a 'birthling' might not.

 

by bigworm
6-02-10
And what strange first words uttered he ...
"His eyes were hollows of madness..."
What did they mean?!!!
'smatter...?
...you don't like Noyes?

 

by bigworm
6-02-10
I used to write poems...
Fuck the poems!!!
I want my axe!!!

 

by bigworm
6-02-10
Why are you so unhappy son? I'm getting kinda worried about...
"Some think the world is made for..."
Go on, finish what you were saying!
"... fun and frolic."
"And so do I, and so do I."

 

by bigworm
6-02-10
Son, I don't know what to say to you... but, this poetry thing doesn't really help our communication problem.
Is this better?

 

by bigworm
6-06-10
There is a certain species of Tree Squirrel...
CHOO-AHHHHH!!! CHOO-AHHHHH!!!
...that cannot tolerate...
...dyslexic cows.

 

by bigworm
6-08-10
OOM!!! OOM!!!
No,no...say it like this... MOO!!! MOO!!!
Oh yeh!!! I'm gon' piss my diaper with this one!!

 

by bigworm
6-08-10
Where's that 'oom cow'?
The only way you're gonna' get that cow is over my dead body!!!
Yeh baby!
Thanks!!!

 

by bigworm
6-08-10
?
Hold thy ground squirrel! God hath sent me to stop you from killing innocent cows.
OH MY GOD!!! There's an innocent cow behind you right now!
Where? I don't see it!
Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I don't either, now that you mention it! Ha ha ha!

 

by bigworm
6-13-10
Dear Dad, I just received the DIY 'Cross-kit' you sent me for my birthday. Thanks a lot!
Thanks a ton!
Let me know if more thanks are required. Love, Jesus.

 

by bigworm
6-13-10
Dear Dad, I had a dream about that cross you sent me a while back...
...I guess I can't call you a mother-fucker, LOL!!! Love, Jesus.

 

by bigworm
6-13-10
Dear Dad, About that cross you sent me...
... for the life of me, I can't figure out what it's for! Love, Jesus.

 

by bigworm
6-16-10
Thou hast a nice rect...
*gasp*
I'm sorry, what did you say?
Thou hast a nice rectory.
Oh so close to heaven, I have never been.

 

by bigworm
6-17-10
To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?
Je... Je... Je... Jesus Christ!
I can't believe it! That's my name too!
I'm sorry... I was surprised to see you, and said your name, but my name is...
Nevermind your name. Have you not been praying to be healed?
Indeed I have! Follow me, my rectum is right this way.

 

by bigworm
6-17-10
Did you just say, "Follow me, my RECTUM is right this way?"
Did I!??? I meant to say 'RECTORY'!
Well, that's an understandable mistake.
You mean because they both start with 'r-e-c-t'?
No, because it's to the 'rear' of the church.
Tee-hee... tee-hee!

 

by bigworm
6-18-10
Dear Dad, That mysterious cross ended up being more useful than I thought it ever would be.
It got really cold here the other night.
So... anyway, thanks for the firewood. Love, Jesus.

 

by bigworm
6-18-10
First off, I want to thank you all for coming out to see me walk on water!
My ability to walk on water is substantially different than that of David Copperfield...
...as you can see, *blub* *blub* *blub*.

 

by bigworm
6-18-10
I know this is hard to believe, but...
...I was unable to successfully walk on water last week because...
I forgot to remove my lead-weighted exercise belt.

 

by bigworm
6-18-10
Okay... I'd like to thank you fishermen for showing up today.
I have now removed my lead-weighted exercise belt.
Who wants to see me float!!!?

 

by bigworm
6-18-10
In order to gain acceptance, I've had to pull more than my share of scams.
Wearing disguises is one category of scams that I have probably overindulged in...
...but perhaps I've jumped the gun!

 

by bigworm
6-18-10
Dear Dad, Me and some buds were out '4-hoofin' the dunes the other day, and we came across some poor dudes all splayed out on these big-ass crosses, just like the one you sent me.
I know it's technically incorrect, but...
...you 're a motherfucker anyway!!! Later, Jesus.

 

by bigworm
6-20-10
It's good to see you again. Your 'workman's comp' claim has just come across my desk. Tell me about your injury.
Well... you remember Ms. Hoocherota?
Of course I do, and it's too bad we had to let her go, but how does your claim tie in with her?
...well, it's my hand.
I don't follow...
It still smells.

 

by bigworm
6-21-10
Grams... I've called you in because this company is in somewhat of a crisis. Your old-school wisdom is needed now!
Well, my fees have changed a bit, but we can discuss that later. Let's get down to business!
One of my employees has a rather feminine odor on one of his hands that won't go away.
Are we talkin' perfume, or what? Where'd the odor come from?
Well, it came from some physical contact between himself and...
Are you tryin' to say his hand smells like a cunt?!!

 

by bigworm
6-21-10
You're so straight forward Grams, but that is his problem.
I need to know three things regarding this young man and his problem...
Let's hear 'em.
1) What materials has he used in effort to wash the smell away. 2) Has he seen a dermatologist... and 3)...
Yes...?
...has he licked those fingers?

Showing page 4.

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