All comics by cpausti

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I love getting stoned.
by cpausti, 8-30-05

 

by cpausti
9-01-05
Today, gas prices soared over 3 dollars a gallon, and in some places reached as high as $3.50.
Some blame the hurricane for this jump, some blame a behind the curtain oil shortage...
There's no telling what the price will be next week.
Hey kids! Let's take the hummer out for a joyride!

 

by cpausti
9-05-05
Why do they call the small sized candy, "Fun Size!"?
It's not very fun to only get four freakin' skittles.

 

by cpausti
9-08-05
I'm here with Astro-Bob at NASA Headquarters.
We have tought the space monkeys to spell.
Unbelievable. Can you spell "apple?"
a-p-p-l-e
This shit is bananas.
b-a-n-a-n-a-s

 

I started my second week of the sixth grade.
by cpausti, 9-11-05

 

by cpausti
9-11-05
The first time I found out that I had nose hairs, I cried.
Take my advice and don't use tweezers to pick your nose.

 

by cpausti
9-16-05
Hey baby, wanna exchange bodily fluids?
I'm your new teacher.
Hey hey, I'm in to dominance too. Teach me, oh master.
I'm 26.
Waistline or chest?

 

by cpausti
9-20-05
Oh shit son! Am I late, dawg?!
You can't read a digital clock?
Yo fuck you whitey. I'm sick of being late.
Me and my niggas were just chillin' and dat loud bell go off. Shit.
Maybe if you pulled up your pants and walked more than one step every 10 seconds you'd make it on time.

 

by cpausti
9-21-05
Monday was "Dress like a Celebrity" day, and all over the walls were celebrity names written on yellow construction paper shaped like stars.
I saw Donald Trump's, ripped it off the wall and used it as a hat.
I looked exactly like him.

 

I wonder if he'll ever find his faith.
by cpausti, 9-22-05

 

by cpausti
9-25-05
Man, you need to calm your life down.
What do you mean?
You know, be more laid back, like guys like me.
I'm still not getting it.
You need to stop stressing. Be like me. I'm a "grab it as it comes and just let it in, baby!" kind of guy.
You're also an "I can't recognize sexual innuendo" kind of guy.

 

by cpausti
9-26-05
Oh my god! What is that god-awful, rancid, dead animal stuck in an air pocket inside an elephant's ass, shit-cunt smell?
Honey! My mother is here!

 

by cpausti
9-27-05
Man, how do you ask a chick if she likes you without sounding like a complete ass?
Well, it's pretty complicated. Like when you meet a friend, you just are friends, no asking or wondering.
You don't tell the new guy "Hey, I like you. Let's be friends." You just naturally become friends.
I also don't go up to my friends and start making out with them.

 

by cpausti
9-28-05
Oh man there's a Hummer!
Dude, don't flip them off!
Why not?
They're probably army men who'll come back and beat us up!
Are you kidding? They've got to be at least two blocks away by now.
You're right. In Hummer distance, that's 10 gallons.

 

by cpausti
10-04-05
Yesterday a Counter-Terrorist squad was in my complex.
They were running around, almost all of them had shields.
What n00bs.

 

by cpausti
10-04-05
Who cares how we look when we make love?
But, it's embarassing.
So what? It's not like anyone is watching. Besides, I love you.
Oh fine. Kiss me, baby!

 

by cpausti
10-04-05
Hey kid, have you seen this man lately?
Wow! That's my dad!
We're looking to arrest him for a serious crime.
Awesome!
No, not awesome. He raped four women behind a bowling alley.
He's always been my hero!

 

by cpausti
10-04-05
All done. Mwuahahaha.
But... Death... why must I be framed for this murder?
Jail life and rape and other terrible things have been blocked from your life, but now you must experience them like a true man.
Why aren't you looking at me?
I'm terrified of clowns. NO! STAY BACK!

 

by cpausti
10-06-05
HEEEEERE'S JOHNNY!
Aw man! Don't remind me.
Have a soft spot for Johnny Carson?
I've got a soft spot for any rich man.

 

by cpausti
10-10-05

 

by cpausti
10-10-05
Hi, I'm Matt Stone.
And I'm Trey Parker.
We hate when celebrities act like they know stuff about politics. In fact, we made a movie about them last year. You don't HAVE to vote, it doesn't really affect you in the end.
Yeah! Fuck voting! Nothing is really wrong with this country!
Now, I've got to go record some funny noises.
I need to go cash this check for 10 million dollars.

 

by cpausti
10-10-05
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock is ticking.
So I said, "So is my alarm clock, but luckily it can't talk."

 

by cpausti
10-10-05
Phew, long line today.
Yep.
You come here often?
Nope. I usually come in my girlfriend.
I bet.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Why, hello, ladies.
And helllloooo, fellas.
In this portion of the video, we'll explain how we please all humans, at any time. We will tell you how to get your own robot date, and sign you up for the War in Iraq.
Oh shit... he's got to recover... c'mon, you can do it Cuntbot!
I mean... uhh, line you up for a whore-cock slap.
Excellent.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Today we lost our good friend Assbot to the terrible earthquake in Pakistan.
He heard about hundreds of needy people with barely anything to live on. Too bad he rushed over there without any supplies.
It might have been because I told him they study the Kama Sutra.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
But.. I thought we'd be together forever?!
It has to end somewhere.
Are you filming this?
Uh, yeah.
You're filming our arguments for your own personal benefit?!
You didn't mind when I filmed me assraping you.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Do you know m..my father's address?
I'm sorry to tell you this. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Daddy? Is that you?
Son.. you found me. I programmed you 3 years ago to spread the word about the Iraq war.
But... what's with all the assrape?
Oh, uh.. heh. Laura threw that in. She never gets tired of a good assrape joke.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Oh GOD NO!!! CUNTBOT!! PLEASE DON'T BE DEAD!
Aw poor guy.
Don't worry. You can still visit him in heavenly hauntings.
What about assr- I mean... sexual activity?
Psh, FUCK yes. Why do you think there have been so many celebrity tit slips lately?

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
You bet I can! You'll see!! I'll show you!!!!
He thinks those black Nanos are cool... well... I'll find.. a... a black angel!!!
HAHA! I'm sorry. I thought I just heard "black angel."

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Sure.
Can you sneak me into an R rated movie?
Uh.. how old are you?
Can you buy me 2000 tokens at Chuck E. Cheese's?
Look man.. or uh.. kid. I'm not gonna cart you around like some toddler bitch.
Can you anally dominate me for multiple hours on end, resulting only in the bloody wrangling of my rectum?

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Hmmm... I wonder what this video he had me send for is about.
Why, hello ladies.
NOOOO!! THIS WAS... our video...
CUNTBOT!!! COME BACK ON ME!!!

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Perhaps if you fired that Jenn bitch you could afford the lawyer fees.
Don't call her a bitch! She's most definitely a hoe!
Okay okay. But you could save a lot of money without her.
I guess you're right... But if I become a human, who will be there for me to fuck?
You could totally get on that dinosaur guy.
Nah, I tried. He said he didn't get anything out of it, but I'm pretty sure he got syphillis.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Haha, oh Fonz.
Eeeeeeyyyyyyyy.
What the hell is happening?!? Where did the Fonz go!?
Why, hello, ladies.
FUCK! Jesus!! Did you order those videos?
Yeah, from some guy in Boise. I just totally assraped Rodney Dangerfield.

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Okay, well, let's get this over with.
Here goes.
You aren't feeling sad about me leaving?
Nope. My asshole will get a fucking rest!
HA! So you think! I hired my good friend Dinosaur to keep the rape truck fueled!
*slice*

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
Yay! It's great to be back together again! I don't even know why we fought!
I know!!!
I mean, we get along so well, we never boss each other around, and we have mutual gay sex!
Exactly!!!
Now shut the fuck up, bitch! It's about to switch over to Charles In Charge!
I want Charles in charge of ME!

 

by cpausti
10-11-05
It's like, "wicky wicky wicky wow wicky!"
Haha! I love that song!
I think it's more like "wicky wop wop wicky wicky woo!"
Say, are you guys talking about the Ying-Yang Twins?
The Ying-Yang Twins! I love them! They're so talented!!
..and the bitch wouldn't let me into Honors class.

 

by cpausti
10-12-05
Okay. So I was working up to this chick. Tellin' 'er, "Yeah, I've got a yacht. 30 footer."
And she's like, "Holy crap! You must be rich and successful! Let's fuck!"
Man, she was naughty. We were going for at least an hour, 20 different positions before she pulls out her "toybox." Add nine more hours to that, and there's my Friday night.
Uh, is that a fucking fish on your hand?

 

by cpausti
10-12-05
Hi, how may I help you?
I'll take two fish tacos.
Nevermind.

 

by cpausti
10-13-05
Ahhhhh. Nothing like a good joint before bed.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Hello, I am your guardian angel, Fairyjuana.
That's it, I'm calling Greg. This shit is totally laced.

 

by cpausti
10-13-05
Okay, are you done yet?
Yeah, I think it's wearing off.
Alright. I'm going to take you to a fantasy world....
Will it be scary?
No. I'm going to show you a world without marijuana.
That's pretty fucking scary if you ask me. Bitch.

 

by cpausti
10-13-05
Without weed: Super Heroes couldn't fly.
AWAY!
Umm.. Why can't I fly?
Nooo!!! This gay guy can't fly!!
I'm not gay, I'm Superman!
Haha, good one.

 

by cpausti
10-14-05
Without weed: There would be no porn.
Thwap Fwap Thwap.
Billy! What are you doing?!
Churning some butter.
How thoughtful!

 

by cpausti
10-14-05
Without weed: Everyone would have to drink Coors.
Well, I'm fatter.

 

by cpausti
10-14-05
See, without marijuana, the world would be so different!
You're right! But, I already appreciate weed, so what was the purpose of this whole thing?
Uhh... umm... Crap. Oh well. Here, take this complimentary five-foot bong. Freshly packed!
Sweet!
*blublublublublub*
Uh, I thought your name was Fairyjuana, not Bobby Bogart. Bitch.

 

by cpausti
10-16-05
This is the Cardinals' bye week. They got to take a little break.
I guess this means we have a chance at not losing.

 

by cpausti
10-17-05
Bobby! Pick up your dirty niggers and toss them in the hamper!
Aw, shucks Mom! Can't you do it for me!
No, son! They're your niggers and not my responsibility!
Oh come on! You're a woman! Washing niggers is in your blood!
Don't be sexist! Now hurry and clean this up, I don't want our company to see all your fucking niggers just laying around!
Mom! Don't swear!

 

by cpausti
10-18-05
I can't believe you've never been to Hawaii!
I went when I was a kid, but I had a bad experience.
Well, what happened?
Uh...
It couldn't have been so bad. Look at this place, it's heaven on Earth.
They must have a lot of child porn in heaven.

 

by cpausti
10-19-05
Have you ever seen those new Target commercials?
They have that song, "Say something new, say something new, about you..."
Because when you're introducing yourself to someone, the best new thing to say is "I bought these pants at Target!"

 

by cpausti
10-19-05
I'm boycotting cousins.
Why, Alabama Dan?
They be pointless relate-ives. I dun wanna buy 'ems gifts, greedy sunsabitches.
But cousins are family, they give you gifts back! They're good to have and share childhood memories with.
If you like cousins so much, why don't you marry them?
I'm not the one from Alabama.

 

by cpausti
10-22-05
So, did it hurt?
Hehe, did what hurt?
When God rejected you and sent you plummeting from Heaven!?

Showing page 4.

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