All comics by israphael

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by israphael
1-20-02
Hurry up and finish ironing our dresses! Our date is going to be here any minute!
EaT hEr BrAiNs!!
*DING DONG*
You're delusional. Nobody is going to want an ugly thing like you. I'll get the door. (When the hell did we get a door?)
Hi, is Sue-Ellen ready for our date?
LoOk aT hEr TitS!!

 

by israphael
1-23-02
Hi there, lovely lady. How would you like to come back to my place and get lucky?
What do you mean?
You know, have hot sweaty sex with me.
And why... should I consider that lucky?

 

by israphael
1-23-02
Hi there, lovely lady. How would you like to come back to my place and get lucky?
What do you mean?
You know, have hot sweaty sex with me.
And why... would I consider that lucky?

 

by israphael
1-23-02
Oh man, that was fantastic. You don't know how much I've been looking forward to this night.
For the longest time, I've wanted to make love to you so badly.
Trust me... you did.

 

by israphael
1-25-02
Bad news George, due to prior commitments Samuel L. Jackson will unable to appear in "Attack of the Clones".
Damn, I want a prominent Afro-american actor in that role.
No Problem, we think we can get someone who is both well known and well loved.
Who do you have in mind?
The force is like a Jello pudding swirls... you got your light vanilla side... and you got your chocolately dark side.

 

by israphael
1-26-02
Genital warts are becoming the most common sexually transmitted disease.
I'm a statistic.
Over 4 million American are infected.
I'm a statistic.
It is caused by a virus that- CUT!!
I'm sadistic.

 

by israphael
1-26-02
Look at this yard, crap everywhere. Jessica, I need to talk to you.
Yes Dan, what can I do for you.
We had it with him running wild, crapping and pissing all over the place, chewing up things, scaring the neighborhood kids, and humping everybody's leg.
Sorry about that, he must have gotten loose again.
Whatever, just keep Spankling on a leash and in your yard.

 

by israphael
1-29-02
Thank you for calling the Spankling's Secret. How may I help you?
Yes, I ordered from your catalog the inflatable boyfriend and I'm having some problems.
I see. Are you having difficulty inflating it... trouble inserting the batteries... or is problem that the item does not look life-like enough for you?
No it's not that. In fact, I think it looks very life-like. My question is...
why is it so ugly?

 

by israphael
2-01-02
The shop is a veritable fortress. Fortunately I'm the world greatest criminal mastermind. I have a brilliant plan that can not fail.
Redundant, you'll go in first and neutralize any threats from the shopkeeper and the customers.
Perjury, I happen to the shop has a huge safe made of nearly impenetrable material. So I need you to make a powerful exposive. And Apathy... you do what you do best.
Right, I'll rapidly rush in and pull my gun. I'll wave my pistol around to scare and intimidate the customers as they stare at the weapon I'm wielding.
Don't worry, I'm a regular McGyver. I can make a bomb using an old bicycle pump, instant cocoa, and a package of pipe cleaners.
Wait a second, if the safe is so tough, won't we need a big bomb... like Ishtar... or Heaven's Gate?

 

by israphael
2-06-02
My life is hell. I dare not go out in public, so I stay in my room. I can't even sleep because of the horrors I've witnessed.
For example, LadyJ is by day a viciously sadistic ball-buster.
It really wasn't my fault. I was just...
SHUT YOUR HOLE! One more word and I'll snap off your prick and use it as a toothpick.
But by night, she undergoes a far more terrifying transformation.
Oh Barbie, I love your catholic girl outfit. It's just so kicky. But let's find you a pretty dress for your date with Ken.

 

by israphael
2-06-02
One the surface, the comic competitions appear to be run democratically by the users of Stripcreator.
Our friends at R J Reynolds loved the "Cigarettes don't kill people. Lighters do." comic strip.
Needed more sodomy.
In truth the competitions are set up by special interest groups.
Look when you and the boys at NAMBLA cough up some money then we'll do whatever you like.
Now for new business. One of our sponsors is concerned about the Enron scandal. He wants more pro-business comic strips.
You'd be suprised how high up the conspiracy goes.
Mr. President, I just got off the phone with Brad. The fix is in.
Ha Ha Ha... What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by israphael
2-06-02
Tobor was not always the way he is now.
RAAAR!
Oh no, not again.
Throughout history, bullies have always picked on the small, the weak, and the sensitive.
Look, it's the little fembot, Tobor. Hey Toby, isn't it about time for your daily ass-kicking?
I already gave you my lunch money. Please don't hurt me.
Tobor has issues, but at least he's working on them.
I just want to be loved... even though I feel I don't deserve it. *Sniff* I don't know what I'd do without this support group.
Let the ass-kicking commense.

 

by israphael
2-07-02
Of all the secrets I know, the biggest is one that is sure to be revealed.
I don't understand it. I try to write witty comic strips with smart social commentary and postmodern sensibility...
but all end up being about sodomy and donkeys.
You already know the answer. Search your soul.

 

by israphael
2-07-02
The truth is in your past... in your childhood.
I had a good childhood. I was raised by a pack of jackals. We had fun eating roadkill, howling at the moon, and sniffing each other's butt.
They weren't your real family. You were adopted.
No... That's not possible... Who... Who are my real parents?
Israphael, I'm your father.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 

by israphael
2-07-02
You know it's true. Come with me to the dark side. We will make a great father and son donkey-abusing team.
Well this would explain a lot. But still, this freak is my father? What could be worse.
*Knock Knock*

 

by israphael
2-07-02
Izzy, I have a secret I can't keep any longer. I'm your father.
What? No wait. That makes no sense. Wirthling just said he was my father.
You know that fascination with lubricants you have? You got that from me.
I don't know if I can take any more of this. Go and stand next to Wirthling and we'll sort this out.
*Knock Knock*
Crap!

 

by israphael
2-07-02
The revelations continue.
I'm your real father. You can call me Sir. I'm the one you inherited your extroverted personality from.
Dude, I'm your dad. You got any beer? And a couple of bucks I can borrow?
Israphael, I'm your father.
OK... Whatever... The line forms on the right.

 

by israphael
2-07-02
I did Israphael's mother when I met her at a conference in Chicago.
I met her when she was studying at Oxford. I also shagged Andy Dougan's maw behind a nearby pub.
Andy's mom... she was quite a ride.
I hear that, I banged her like a cheap gong.
I did her... twice.
Nailed it shut.

 

by israphael
2-07-02
None of this makes any sense. You all can't be my father.
The real truth is that your mother was a nun who worked in an insane asylum.
We were all inmates there. Then one dark and stormy night...
AUUUGH! You've reduced my life to a cheap horror movie. THAT'S IT! I'M OUTTA HERE!
Wait, I'm just getting to the good part. Let me at least tell you about the whipped cream and the gerbils.

 

by israphael
2-07-02
Dazed and confused, Israphael wandered the streets until he spots a bar where he can drown his sorrows.
Bartender, give me a beer. Oh hi, Tobor. Please no manrape tonight. I'm not in the mood.
No problem. I'm off duty.
*Sigh* I wonder if I'll ever discover the truth.
*Sigh* I wonder if I'll ever find my son.

 

by israphael
2-11-02
Let me guess, you're here to tell me that you are my father.
No, I'm not.
Well, that's a relief.
But Mr. Tinkles is.

 

by israphael
2-14-02
St. Patrick's day started out as a religious holiday but has degenerated into a orgy of alcohol abuse.
Glad you could make it to the party.
I can't stay long. I have to get up early in the morning.
I keep promising myself that I won't over do it.
So I told the bitch... You've never had it so good! Whoa! I don't feel so good.
You're looking a little green there, buddy. Why don't you lay down for a while?
But every year it's the same thing.
So this year, I thought we'd dress him up in black lace bra and panties.
Yeah, and let's leave him in the girl's dressing room in the junior high school.

 

by israphael
2-14-02
Grandpa, tell me about the old days. You know... about Stripcreator.
Back in the day, we had to create comedy using the basic elements: donkeys and sodomy.
Gosh. Tell me about Tobor.
In the beginning, we didn't have a robot to perform manrape. We had to do it the old fashioned way.
With a dildo attached to a power drill.

 

by israphael
2-15-02
LadyJ, what a suprise. You hardly ever attend these functions.
I've been busy. I got tired of watching people do the same stupid things, so I became a motivational speaker. Now I tell people what to do at $150 a pop.
That's great. Did you know that attitudechicka is now a housewife with 5 kids, Gabe runs his own software firm, and Spankling does children's TV in Germany?
Sounds likes everybody has undergone some changes.
Not exactly. Wirthling still sucks.

 

by israphael
2-15-02
I don't remember the biscuit game taking so long.
Do you have some Viagra? I just ran out.

 

by israphael
3-02-02
The tribe has spoken. Israphael, you have unaminously been voted off Stripcreator.
Hey, wait a minute! I thought you said if I ate that pile of pig rectums, I would get immunity.
What's everybody laughing about?

 

by israphael
3-08-02
Sweetie, could you bring some eggs and milk on your way home from work?
No problem, Honey.
HA HA HA. CLANGO IS PUSSY-WHIPPED. WHAT'S NEXT? IS FEMALE FLESHLING GOING TO MAKE YOU A WEAR DRESS?
Awfully funny talk from a gay robot who ass fucks men at the drop of a hat.
TOBOR IS NOT GAY! TOBOR CORNHOLES MEN BECAUSE... UM... BECAUSE TOBOR IS DOING HIS PART FOR WAR ON TERRORISM!

 

by israphael
3-08-02
Whatever... I'm outta here.
DO NOT LEAVE! PANSY-BOY CLANGO OWE TOBOR APOLOGY!
Is that what you want? OK, meet me in the park after work and we'll settle this. I've been wanting to play kick the can with you head for some time.
FINE! TOBOR WILL BE THERE. TOBOR WILL MAKE CLANGO HIS BITCH.
CRAP!

 

by israphael
3-08-02
I'm suprised you showed up, Tobor. Are you ready? Let's roll!
WAIT, TOBOR REALIZES HE MAY HAVE SAID SOME UNFORTUNATE THINGS EARLIER.
TOBOR IS SORRY THAT CLANGO IS UNABLE TO THINK LOGICALLY WHEN IT COMES TO THE SQUISHY, LUMPY FEMALE FLESHLING.
SO IF CLANGO APOLOGIZES NICELY, TOBOR WILL NOT HAVE TO SMASH HIM INTO COMPONENT ELEMENTS.
That's awfully big of you. Now, do you want me to send your recycleables to your next of kin?

 

by israphael
3-08-02
Put up your dukes. It's time to play some Rock-em Sock-em Robots.
NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!
...........
DON'T HATE ME BECAUSE I'M BEAUTIFUL.

 

by israphael
3-08-02
Alright, I won't hit you in the face. Now quit stalling and start fighting.
NOT THE NUTS! NOT THE NUTS!
You don't have nuts! You only have a cornholer. And that's....
Hmmm....

 

by israphael
3-08-02
Gotta go, Babe. By the way, could you pick up some tampons on the way home? My "monthly visitor" is back.
Sure thing, Hon. See ya.
*SNICKER*
Do I have to snap off your cornholer and shove it up your exhaust pipe again?
NO! TOBOR WILL BE GOOD.

 

by israphael
3-09-02
Grandpa, how was Stripcreator destroyed?
In our arrogance, it was felt that for Stripcreator to grow we had to standardize certain comedy bits. So we gathered up the regulars and...
Item #42: From now on, diabolic laughter will be designated by the sound "MWAHAHAHA!"
You fool, everybody knows that proper sinister laughter goes "BWAHAHAHA!"
Yup, blood and Astroglide ran in the streets that night.

 

by israphael
3-10-02
Even though I won the bet, I don't think eating that anchovy, sardine, corned beef, and ketchup sandwich was a good idea.
*BARF*
Nice shoes. Are they new?
They were.

 

by israphael
3-19-02
[Islamabad, 1991] Gentlemen, you are the select members of the Islamic Revolutionary Taskforce. Today we send you to America to do Allah's work.
Today's the big day.
You will join their society and wait for the order to strike. Now for your job assignments. Allaf and Fahad you will become engineers. Said will be a airline pilot.
I wonder what I'll be. Maybe a doctor... or a lawyer.
And Khan... you'll be a taxi driver.
Great.

 

by israphael
3-19-02
To pass as an American citizen will be tricky. So each of you will take up one un-Islamic trait.
Allaf you will take up drinking. Fahad you will smoke. Said you can fornicate with those loose American women.
Alright!
And Khan... you will eat pork.
I'll trade you, Said.

 

by israphael
3-19-02
[New York, 2001]
Of course, I'll marry you!
You've made me the happiest man in the world. I'll set up the wedding for tomorrow afternoon at the mosque.
Well my luck has certainly changed. I just made day shift supervisor at work. And by tomorrow night I'll be having hot sweaty trantic sex with my new bride. Allah must be smiling on me.
*RING*

 

by israphael
3-19-02
Your task will be to deliver these explosives molded in the shape of baguettes to the Sunshine Deli tomorrow at 9 AM sharp.
Why the Sunshine Deli? Is it a front for Israeli intelligence? Or is this an assissination attempt on an important person who eats there?
Neither. I just don't like the food there.

 

by israphael
3-19-02
I can't believe on the most important day of my life I overslept. Oh well, I'm only a few minutes late.
All I need to do is leave this basket of explosives at the deli and then I can get on with the rest of my life.

 

by israphael
3-19-02
Where am I? Everything's so bright and shiny... almost bioluminescent.
Why I must be in heaven!
Welcome to paradise, holy martyr.
Allah be praised! Show me the way to all those virgins.
Oh... about the virgins... we are having a bit of a problem.

 

by israphael
3-19-02
What... No Virgins?
In this day and age, you try finding a virtuous virginal female.
You mean I underwent years of celibacy and became a human charcoal briquette for nothing?
Years of celibacy? You mean you're a virgin? Well that's different.
Come to daddy and give me a big wet one... and I don't mean on the lips.
CRAP!

 

by israphael
3-22-02
Get out! No son of mine is going to be a street performer! *SLAM*
You're a genius! I've never seen a performance of Hamlet so moving.
That's it! I can't take another minute of this. I'm leaving you. This marriage is not working. We never talk anymore.

 

by israphael
3-23-02
I'm thinking of starting a web page... maybe a discussion forum.
How about something artistic. I need some place to post the unflattering portraits I drew of my friends.
Make it a news page with hard hitting stories on current events and social commentary.
No! Let's do a humor page... with lots of puns!
You fools! Don't you realize that we can use our combined talents to create a vibrant community, for the refinement of our nobler nature and to serve as a beacon of good taste and civility.
Whatever, as long as it has plenty of donkeys and sodomy.

 

by israphael
3-25-02
Bring me my horse!

 

by israphael
3-25-02
RRRAAARRR!
You won't hurt me.

 

by israphael
3-26-02
I thought you closed the door on the tiger's cage.

 

by israphael
3-26-02
I'm going to sit here until I think of something clever to write.

 

by israphael
3-26-02
What the hell, one more gerbil won't hurt.

 

by israphael
3-26-02
FOOLISH HUMAN! TOBOR CAN EASILY OUTLAST YOU!

 

by israphael
3-28-02
Women's Wear
Excuse me. Can you help me?
Yesssssssss?
Women's Wear
I like the color and lines of this dress, but I don't know if it's right for me. Do you think it looks good on me?
Yesssssssss.
Women's Wear
Is that your honest opinion or are you just trying to make a sale?
Yesssssssss!

Showing page 4.

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