All comics by itsclark

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by itsclark
8-04-02
"Slow down. My mommy works here."... Huh.
Oh.

 

by itsclark
8-04-02
Are you crazy? That sign says "Keep off the grass"!
But I'm late for my bridge club!
What a rebel! He lived life on the edge, and paid the ultimate price.
Just like James Dean or somethin'!

 

by itsclark
8-08-02
"Warning: Nuclear testing range. Extreme gamma radiation"... Hmm. I just gotta see what goes on in there!
Strange... Suddenly I feel all tingly like! I think I'm... I'm... changing!
Well shit. This wouldn't happen in the comic books!

 

by itsclark
8-13-02
All these times when I cried! All this wastin'! It's all inside!
It's like he's peering into my own angst-ridden teenage soul!
And I feel all this pain! Stuffed it down! It's back again!
Agh! Get out of my head, Aaron Lewis!
So, did you enjoy the Staind concert last night?
Don't ever speak to me of joy again.

 

by itsclark
8-15-02
How about "Sons of Kyuss"?
Already taken. What about "Eye of Light and Darkness?"
Too ambiguous. How about "Ray of Enfeeblement?"
I think you might have something there!
Good band names are tough to come by!
Good thing we still had these old fantasy role-playing manuals.

 

by itsclark
8-17-02
Pirate recruiting interviews:
I kin snort lemonade frew my nose!
Alas, ye needs be made of sterner stuff than that to join me ruthless band o' cut-throats. Away now, Lass!
TOBOR PLUNDER MANY A BOOTY!
Fine, fine! Find yourself some quarters with the rest of me hearty crew.
I'm a divorce attorney!
Back, ye thieving seadog! I've hid me treasure where only the devil and me-self can find it!

 

by itsclark
8-17-02
Excuse the intrusion, good sir. My crew and I noticed your vessel lay perilously low in the water!
We've come to remove the excess weight from your cargo hold and, um, carry it back to port for you.
New to piracy?
Our swords rusted.

 

by itsclark
8-17-02
Arrr! Listen up me harties! I be your captain, and ye scurvy seadogs be my crew!
You've signed on for some hard sailin', but rich plunder awaits those with enough backbone to stay the course! Any questions?
I'm confused. Isn't this Modern Business Ethics 101?
Aye, that it is Matey! Don't be put off by the lingo.

 

by itsclark
8-18-02
This offshoot of dinosaur evolution then founded the civilization of Atlantas, only to be wiped out by the destruction of that continent.
An intelligent species far older than our own! If only this specimen could talk, what would it tell us about OUR OWN history?
And then what?
Let's breed monkeys that talk, someone said. It'll be funny, they said. We'll give 'em opposable thumbs, make 'em do menial chores! ...

 

by itsclark
8-21-02
Good evening folks. Welcome to G&G Comedy Review, where laughter is mandatory.
You know, ever since the Andorran fleet "liberated" Earth, things just couldn't be better!
Why, I haven't seen a more peace loving regime since all the earthly seats of government were vaporized! But I kid.

 

by itsclark
8-21-02
I find that laboring 14 hours a day in the Emperor's plutonium mines really developes the body!
Why just the other day, I found I'd developed a third testicle!
(Psst! You're making me nervous. I'm losing them!)

 

by itsclark
8-21-02
I ran into a recent tech school graduate down in the slave pits yesterday.
He seemed happy to have work!

 

by itsclark
8-21-02
Just the other day, I was telling a friend how I felt about the Andorrans eliminating disease and homelessness!
I went on about how great it is that we no longer have to pay taxes!
Then my supervisor beat me with his electro-whip for talking during work hours.

 

by itsclark
8-21-02
This is rediculous. I'm doing stand-up for a bunch of alien goons! I should just grab his gun and escape.
I did it. Now to join the resistance!
weeks later...
Hey, it's a well dressed crowd out there tonight! Who does your looting for you?
Ha ha ha ha.

 

by itsclark
9-02-02
My early adulthood was marked by progressive failures! I flunked my first semester of college, washed out of boot camp...
Lots of young people experience a period of soul-searching, Bongo!
...quit a community college graphic arts program, wound up broke in a flophouse in Florida...
But lots of young people have trouble adjusting!
Later:
...was rejected as a blood plasma donor due to my high bilorubin count...
Dear God make it stop!

 

by itsclark
9-02-02
FOR PITY'S SAKE, HAVE MERCY ON MY TORTURED...
I mean, your hour is up! We'll continue this again tomorrow.

 

by itsclark
9-03-02
NO YA DON'T, HAVE, TA LIVE LIKE A REFUGEEE!!
But Mr. Petty, my sister and I ARE refugees. We have NO CHOICE but to live in grinding poverty.
Oh.
BABY EVEN THE LOSERS, GET LUCKY SOMETIMES!!

 

by itsclark
9-03-02
After that I knuckled down, earned my Chemistry degree, and landed a job with a big name in the industry!
Well THAT must have helped rebuild your sense of self-worth.
Sorry, Bongo! The logistics folks say your job can be done more cheaply in China by a trained Rhesus Macaque.
!!!
Bongo? Did I say something wrong?

 

by itsclark
9-03-02
So then I scrimped and saved for a technical degree so I could get a good job in the semiconductor industry!
How is that working out for you?
And today another leading chip manufacturer announces thousands of layoffs...
I'm just hoping noone important notices I'm still employed there.
Hope is GOOD, Bongo!

 

by itsclark
9-03-02
Enough about work, Bongo! Why don't you tell me about your relationships with women?
Bongo?
Oh, you're serious! I'm sorry. I assumed you were mocking me!
Perhaps we should save it for a later series.

 

by itsclark
9-03-02
In this series, the part of Clark will be played by Bongo. I, Dr. Wattle, will attempt to piece together the events which left him a broken shell of a human being!
Wait a minute! "Broken shell?" I hardly think that accurately describes...
Yes, perhaps it's best you continue to believe that.
But I'm not...
Of course not. Now tell me when you first realized your life was over!

 

by itsclark
9-06-02
Bongo, I'm going to hypnotize you and have you live out your ideal future!
Is this part of my therapy, Doctor?
GOOD CHRIST, NO!! It's experimental and highly dangerous, but required by Obi's contest rules! Without it I'll lose my funding.
Then I don't think I feel comfortable...
3...2...1... SLEEP!

 

by itsclark
9-06-02
Hey Bongo! You know that lady engineer you like? The one that resembles the Baroness from G.I. Joe?
Well, she broke up with that swarthy, muscle-bound kick-boxer. Weird thing is, every time she talks about it, she mentions your name by accident!
I knew it!
You made a wise choice, my friend. This stretch of Ozark backcountry is perfect for you and your lady friend to live in perverse social isolation!
Just put a new roof on that cinder-block fortress and you have a deal!

 

by itsclark
9-06-02
I'm Patricia Groin from Rolling Stone!
Ah, yes! You're here to interview me for your piece about succesful marijuana farmers. Come right up!
Nice place. One doesn't usually associate an in-ground pool with a cinder block compound in the Ozarks!
Yes, well the mixture of rustic simplicity and luxury conveniences has always intrigued me.
Bongo, it's me, Dr. Wattle. Your fantasy is out of control! You must take this blue pill and return to reality.
Intruder! My female ninja bodyguards will destroy you!

 

by itsclark
9-16-02
Thanks for coming to my party. Help yourself to the buffet!
All I see is a bowl of stale pretzels.
How do you like the band?
You've got a set of wind chimes set up in front of an electric fan.
Have you met all my friends?
Does mom know you've taken every mirror in the house?

 

by itsclark
9-16-02
Glad you could make it to my party!
Cue crickets.
Um... are we dead?

 

by itsclark
9-16-02
Welcome to the party! All the action is in the room on your left.
Um, there's nothing in there, sub_m7!
The buffet is behind that door on your right.
That room is empty too!
It's a theme party! I'm celebrating the anniversery of my website.
Suddenly it's all too clear.

 

by itsclark
9-16-02
Hey guys, look at this picture!
Um, sub_m7, you can't link directly to Geoshitties images.
Hey guys, check out my comics!
Um, sub_m7, you need to use the [comic] tag to post those.
Hey guys, I'm having a party in two weeks. I'm letting all you little dudes out to attend!
Um, sub_m7, the people you meet on the web are not actually inside your computer.

 

by itsclark
9-23-02
"A horse is a horse, of course, of course. And noone can talk to a horse of course!"
"That is, of course, unless that horse is the famous Mr. Ed!"
"Go right to the source and ask the horse. I'm certain he'll kill you without remorse!"
"He represents an evil force. Run from Mr. Ed!"
Which of thier childhood memories shall we desecrate next?
"Who can turn the world on with a smile?..."

 

by itsclark
9-23-02
"I'll see you die at my feet! Eternally I smash your face! Facial bones collapse as I crack your skull in half!"
"Created to kill, the carnage continues! Violently reshaping human facial tissue!"
----Snif!---- "Hammer Smashed Face" by Cannibal Corpse... a sentimental favorite!
Yours is the best wedding ever, DX!

 

by itsclark
9-23-02
Some people call me the butt cowboy!
Some call me the ass wrangler of love!
Some people call me Maurice...

 

by itsclark
9-23-02
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock!
Jingle Bell suck my jingle bell cock!
Bobbing and throbbing all over the place, then I shoot my load in your face!

 

by itsclark
9-23-02
wehn a man loves a women
Cant kepe his mind on nutihn else
Evil rapper? Are you feeling OK?
He'd traid teh world, for a gud thing hes found ...
??

 

by itsclark
10-02-02
SUB mthe7 is SOMEOne else! THis is all a joke YOU DONT GET
Nobody does. Which of course allow you to feel smarter than everyone else. This is traditional troll logic.
???
If someone tells a joke in the forest and noone gets it, did it make a sound? Can BeNN MaKK one day see the light?
I see now the error of my ways. I was living a horrible lie. Goodbye cruel world!
We can always hope!

 

by itsclark
10-05-02
My investigation of Russ turned up substantial physical evidence, Detective Manley.
The pizza stains on your shirt don't count, flatfoot! Leave this to me. And coffee NOW, dammit!!
Listen Sweetheart, I know you're holding out on me! Who are you trying to protect?
Say... um, I heard a noise. Go check everything, but not the vents. It couldn't possibly be someone in the vents.
Sooo! "Don't check the vents", eh? Well at the risk of soiling my chiselled features, maybe I'll just have a LOOK in those vents!
God I hope the sniper is in position!

 

by itsclark
10-14-02
"Don't delay! Order '40 Mules' male enhancement pills and be the best, most impressive lover they've ever had."
But I AM the best, most impressive lover they've ever had!
If only I could convince THEM of that.

 

by itsclark
10-14-02
Order '40 Mules' male enhancement pills and be the best, most impressive lover they've ever had!
Ha, ha! Hey honey, have you seen this commercial?
Am I glad I don't need that stuff! Right, baby?
No ma'am, I'm not sure whether our extra-strength formula can be sprinkled on food unnoticed!

 

by itsclark
10-15-02
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha Ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?
Of course they will.

 

by itsclark
10-15-02
Bitch. Give me a fuckin' Clowny Burger and some cheese fries. To_go!
(cha-ching)
Dude; I think that chick spit in your burger!
Big hairy deal. (munch munch)
My mouth is already full of spit! (munch munch)

 

by itsclark
10-29-02
Called to the office...
Shame or blame?
It's time for your company physical!
Definitely shame!
It's no big deal... Just a thorough evaluation of your naked body by a jaded nurse!
Oh, I'm sorry... That's not a skin tag after all. It's your penis!
Strangle me with your stethoscope?

 

by itsclark
10-29-02
Wow! I'll bet that under that housecoat and underwear, she's practically naked!
Honey? What the hell are you doing?
??
Just wondering if we should get vynal awnings like the neighbors!

 

by itsclark
10-29-02
Hey Tina, how can you tell when a blonde girl has been using the computer?
Ummm...
She leaves her guide dog behind?
Like shooting fish in a barrel!
My answer's funnier!

 

by itsclark
11-24-02
What a great comic contest! By imposing no rules, Devin has freed us from arbitrary constraints and left our creativity free to soar!

 

by itsclark
12-02-02
Arthur! Want to be in my band?
You don't have a band.
I will -- it's gonna be awsome! I hear you wield a mean axe.
I play cello in a baroque chamber music quartet.
Gothic rock. Alright! We are the lords of darkness. Live fast and die young! I feel you, man.
I'm late for practice and you're scaring me.

 

by itsclark
12-02-02
I'm telling you, DragonXero... I've got a lead guitar player and I can do percussion! All we need is a frontman and it's fame ahoy!
Right, kid. Just for laughs, what kind of music are we talking about anyway?
At first I was thinking about a death metal kind of thing. But then I decided to go with Mallcore!
You'll do it, won't you? Huh? Huh? Will ya do it? You will, right?
Forces of darkness... Remove me from this comic...

 

by itsclark
12-02-02
DX can't front our band, so I'll have to be the groupie magnet-in-chief!
We all have our cross to bare. What's the plan?
A meteoric rise to fame followed by a coke-fueled orgyistic flame-out! Then we come back stronger than ever with an indelible rock reputation!
I mean where's our first gig?
The Junior High auditorium at 7:00. We're playing the Spring social.
I'll stock up on coke.

 

by itsclark
12-02-02
Dude! Did we rock the walls or what? The crowd was in awe!
You think they liked my cello solo?
Actually, my drums and vocals made the whole evening. Without me, the band would be nothing!
This is our big fight, isn't it? We're splitting up the band...
Naturally. How else are we gonna do a big reunion tour next year?
Oh. Well, keep in touch.

 

by itsclark
12-15-02
That Dennis Quaid has such a rugged persona!
You haven't seen MY rugged persona, babe.
You? Rugged?
I drink alot. Does that count?
Sometimes I don't shave for days on end!

 

by itsclark
12-15-02
Look kid; all I'm saying is that for every problem, there's a solution!
In my experience that solution usually involves single-minded, drunken smashfest.
But everyone is different!
You're not a particularly GOOD youth councellor, are you?

 

by itsclark
12-15-02
You'd better not pout; I'm telling you why!
Santa Claus is coming to town!
He's made up his list! He's checking it now!
And if you've been bad you'll be reindeer chow!
SLAM!!
Santa Claus is coming to town!

Showing page 4.

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