All comics by nuveeeeena

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by nuveeeeena
5-21-04
I know I have done a good job with the boys' political upbringing
Eeeeewwwwwwww!
Dayum, those ARE big nuts
because they correctly identify any squirrel with massively enlarged testicles
BWAHAH! LOOK! It's Tom DeLay!!
chitter
as House Republican Tom DeLay (R- Sugarland)
Dude, that is bizarre. They're bigger than his head.
But he doesn't HAVE any ...oooohhhhh

 

by nuveeeeena
5-21-04
The best beergarden get-togethers
speaking of suckiness, did you see that feeb on CSPAN? gah. he should resign
30 minute game
..bar none (snerk!) are in Austin, Texas
Republicans suck! Your move.
I'm more obnoxious than you are (but not neocon obnoxious)
PSA: pResident Asshat is from MAINE
nuh-uh! *I'm* far more annoying. Did I mention Bush sucks?
I'm going for another pitcher. And damn right, he sucks.!

 

by nuveeeeena
5-21-04
"Congressmen who willfully take actions during wartime that damage morale and undermine the military are saboteurs and should be arrested, exiled or hanged"
oh FUCK a whole lot of THAT. What nazi monkey came up with that one?
The Supreme Court eventually stopped Lincoln's policy of having "treasonous" lawmakers arrested and tried before military tribunals
Abraham Lincoln... during the Civil War
the nutters are trying to resurrect Lincoln's policy of executing dissenters
Yeah, well he sure had better moments...figures; the bastards would rather shoot us than prove us wrong..

 

by nuveeeeena
5-22-04
A witness who told ABCNEWS he believed the military was covering up the extent of abuse at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison
was today stripped of his security clearance and told he may face prosecution because his comments were "not in the national interest."
I am wrongfully imprisoned because they think I am an enemy of the USA...
*sigh* me too, bro

 

by nuveeeeena
5-22-04
Labs at Kodak Park, Rochester, NY
hey, take a look at the digital watermarking on this Abu Ghraib torture video!
ya, dumbass, that's the digital sig for the Berg beheading. ya got them mixed up.
no, that job went out last week. LOOK! they were taken with the SAME FUCKING CAMERA!
Oh. My. God. The digital sigs are the same. Dude, we are SO fucked.
http://marc.perkel.com/
(hyperventilating) man... I don't want to get Wellstoned....
look, don't panic. if we can get out of the building, maybe we can hide at my cousin's for awhile

 

by nuveeeeena
5-22-04
"A Secret Service [as in close to the White House] ink expert who testified FOR THE GOVERNMENT
at the Martha Stewart trial was charged Friday with lying repeatedly on the stand.
Lawyers for a stockbroker convicted with Stewart called for a new trial.
what the hell am I in here for, again? Oh well, there's a lot of work to do here. I'll stay busy.
hey, join the club. Most of us DON'T know why we're in here.
man, d'ya think they might put her on the kitchen detail?
oh yes, I hope! she is one of the few who can make tabouli that doesn't look like cat litter

 

by nuveeeeena
5-23-04
Steve McLinden, the Ft. Worth Star Telegram reporter who sent an e-mail to the Young Conservatives of Texas is no longer working for the paper
I held back.
you called them “heartless, greedy, anti-intellectual little fascists”
You decide -- http://www.yct.org/
“We didn’t approach this with the intention of getting Mr. McLinden fired, we were just trying to have fun with the situation,”
“But the move by the Star Telegram was a brave step" snigger
Elsewhere, Texas Monthly calls the YCT "racist morons"...
fucking nazis is more like it
fuckin' liars, too...non-partisan, my ASS

 

by nuveeeeena
5-23-04
C'mon bitch, buy a cookie. $ 1 for white males, 75 cents for white women, 50 cents for Hispanics, and 25 cents for blacks.
To demonstrate their opposition to affirmative action, the Young Conservatives of Texas held bake sales at Southern Methodist University and Texas A&M
shove 'em up your ass
25 cents for you babe
that's RIGHT. They don't have any scholarships for rich white boys
Here's your cookies; that will be $24

 

by nuveeeeena
5-25-04
SONNET CXVI
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove
Oh, no. It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark whose worth's unknown, though his height be taken...
love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved

 

by nuveeeeena
5-25-04
the gooiness continues for a bit...
How do I love you? I'll count the ways. Start by calculating pi and tell me how many digits to the right of the decimal
Not yam pie, fool. That OTHER pi.
mutated Sonnets from the Portugese
Put another way, how many discrete points between here and there?
that Sigma thing you were talking about?
Political pithiness will now resume...
Mom, you've been working too hard. I'll get you a beer.
I got it. The number 8, on its side. ∞ Yeah. That thing. Way out there. 156 billion light years wide, give or take some

 

by nuveeeeena
5-25-04
"Terrorists will not determine the future of Iraq,"
So, they're not going to implement your plan? I guess that explains why this doesn't pre-empt "Fear Factor"
"I sent American troops to Iraq to make its people free, not to make them American."
but you compromised by making them nekkid and dead?
Bring 138,000 American soldiers home? No. We're sending MORE.
Heads, we go to Canada. Tails, Mexico.

 

by nuveeeeena
5-25-04
abugah-rayp
abooga-booga
abu-garon
fuck'n igmoramous
abu-garah
ABU GHRAIB! ABU GHRAIB! oh gah just shoot me now. sheesh

 

by nuveeeeena
5-26-04
The New York NO Wave movement
We saw films of a really cool band the other day...
They didn't know how to play their instruments actually, but they ROCKED!
according to the preteen mind...
They were called the ... Contractions, I think.
No, dumbass. They were the Constructions...
(The Contortions, actually) hehehe
nuh-uh. They were the Constipations!!!
Yeah. They must be 50 years OLD by now... but they were still good.

 

by nuveeeeena
5-26-04
overheard on chat: meaningless polling
can you believe they did a poll on "who would you rather have a BBQ with?"
Poll: "who is sometimes cold and distant?"
Sidenote: Hannity IS a mephitic scab expressed from the bowels of hell. (cribbing from Kevin)
"who would you rather light farts with, bush or kerry?" bush 56, kerry 40, undecided 4
hannity has idiotic polls too
LOL
I would eat pretzels with Bush though!

 

by nuveeeeena
5-26-04
http://www.afa.net/
WTF!?
Order the CD containing the nine ads. Choose one or more to run. Carry the CD to your local paper. They can easily take the ads from the CD.
oh puke
Space is left at the bottom of each ad to add a line identifying sponsorship...Get your church to be among the leaders in the fight for marriage. It is perfectly legal for your church to sponsor these
Remember separation of church and state?
Hate Speech goes Hi-tech, huh?
Elsewhere: Thinking Biblically is Teens' Only Protection Against Media Assault

 

by nuveeeeena
5-26-04
chat is not restricted to purely political topics
haha, I remember lighting farts... it was a real popular thing among the surf crew I hung with
go out to the Burrito stand, then go hang at the beach and have fart-lighting contests
i got a vid somewhere of this dude trying to light his farts and he shit his pants trying
yeah, don't try it wearing shorts or swim trunks! you can singe your crotch hair
guess it beats waxing....
uh oh..... another comic is going to come out of this

 

by nuveeeeena
5-26-04
Outside the theater showing "The Passion of the Christ"
?
He manages to rip free of three of the nails before the Romans finally have to shoot him. Mel really macho'd the fuck out of this thing. Also he fights a shark near the middle.
I dunno, with eyebeams. JesusBeams, whatever, it's badass. No, you don't see beams, the shark just burns up.
Then he decapitates one of the Bad Jews with his halo. No, I'm not kidding, the thing is nutty. I know. Well, somehow it works. It's not like I'm making it sound.
http://dongresin.katgyrl.com/ archives/001135.html
GASP
I really didn't expect the bukkake scene in a mainstream movie like this. I know. I can't believe the Pope was cool with that."

 

by nuveeeeena
5-27-04
https://www.drafthouse.com
MOM! I got the camp stove going!!
CINEMANIA!! 3 days of retro film, live
MOM!!!! Sebadoh is playing next!!
music and camping!!
eee! okay... let's see...gotta get this all pinned down before we head over to the stage...
dayum girl, you are really brave or really nuts. Jury's out on that one.

 

by nuveeeeena
5-27-04
SPIRULINA BALLS DECODED!
1/2 cup almond butter, 2 tbsp honey, royal jelly, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 1/2 cup minced raisins. cranberries are good too.
we whizzed this up in a blender with some fruit juice, until it was like, creamerated
we always wing it on the amounts of foti, ginseng, etc.
4 cups rolled oats, 1 cup oat bran, crispy rice, 4 tbsp protein drink powder, 3 or 4 tsp Spirulina powder, foti, ginseng, bee pollen, eleuthero
add a dash of salt to the dry stuff blend it. ground flax seeds are good in this, too
This recipe makes about 70 golf ball size snacks
Take the wet stuff and fold it into the dry stuff. It will make a green dough. When the kid finishes rolling them up, wrap them in saran.
Make into balls (snicker) Roll in crushed almonds and/or pecans and sesame seeds

 

by nuveeeeena
5-27-04
snoggy days at our house, lately
dang, missed the trash can. it landed on brother
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
you better get that off of him. if he wakes up with one of your snotrags on him, he's going to have kittens
you prolly had to be there...
yeah. litttle BROWN kittens!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzznk! huh?

 

by nuveeeeena
6-01-04
wooohoooooooo! YESSSSS!!
Here is where I make a clean breast of it and admit that I am a Harry Potter freakaholic.
she sounds like she won the lottery _________________ the party with McGonagall's chess set!!? cool!!
BETTER!!! Mom got us tix for the midnite 1st showing party for Prisoner of Azkaban!!

 

by nuveeeeena
6-03-04
the hair was from Millicent Bulstrode's CAT! hak
i'm going to have to curse you now
do you have on pants underneath that?
Expecto Patronum
Parking lot party before the midnight showing of Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban
I'm going to play chess next!
the witch over there is selling Live Oak Pale Ale

 

by nuveeeeena
6-05-04
computer problems are universally infuriating
lately i been leaning to the axe side myself...
one day I'm going to fix this computer
shotgun--- the satifing bang and flying bullets. but axe, you get to feel it hitting and expend energy....
axe is tempting. I would probably use my maul. I keep it by the bed. just in case my computer tries to attack in my sleep
'spose taking a buncha the biggest firecrackers from the res, and attaching them and lighting it could be fun..
too quick I want the damn thing to suffer

 

by nuveeeeena
6-05-04
heheh the bombing of Russia will start in 5 minutes... heheh thank you for your generous contributions
I am proud to announce that we will be lifting sanctions against Iraq...
Wlcome to Hell! I gotta tell ya, I'm a big fan. The Contra racket was a stroke of genius..can't wait to show you around.

 

by nuveeeeena
6-05-04
My VERY astute friend reduces the
he got us massively in debt. he fucked everyone except the rich.
he weakened the constitution and tried to make us a police state..
Reagan legacy to a few clear and
he gave us the drug war. he funded right-wing death squads in central america.
he armed the taliban
irrefutable observations.
he divided the nation into two camps like no one had since Jefferson Davis
Piss on him and all his followers.

 

by nuveeeeena
6-06-04
Ron and Nancy showed up a half hour later quite upset. They stated that they had seen a UFO coming down the coast.
http://www.presidentialufo.com/ reagan_ufo_story.htm
"I was in a plane last week when I looked out the window and saw this white light. It was zigzagging around.
I went up to the pilot and said, ‘Have you seen anything like that before?’ He was shocked
Actually, I see this as one of his more positive attributes
We followed it for several minutes. It was a bright white light. We followed it to Bakersfield,
and all of a sudden to our utter amazement it went straight up into the heavens. When we got off the plane, I told Nancy all about it.’

 

by nuveeeeena
6-10-04
Love is the sickness and love is the medicine! http://www.pdxnet.net/RVLA_demo.mp3
http://redvenuslovearmy.com/
"...your mouth will drop open in amazement when you experience the 12-piece soulful rock orchestra The Red Venus Love Army.
With a heavy dose of bass, horns, Hendrix-style guitar solos, and vocals with enough attitude to rival punk hero Ian Svenonius, you will not be bored. You will be astounded."

 

by nuveeeeena
6-27-04
the Alamo Drafthouse Rolling Roadshow was loads of fun!
that last movie "Deathouse" had NO redeeming qualities whatsoever....
the keg is bobbing slightly, but we still have plenty! I'm making a run, can I get you anything?
We rode a bus and a keg of Ziegenbock to Rule, Texas
what was it with everyone wearing a fur coat in that flick?
Did you see that Mary Woronov was in that? What a blast from the past!
We commandeered a drive-in theater for an allnight marathon of partying and BAD flicks
that was the WORST movie ever made. I was cheering for the killer.! hee hee! What's next?
what the helll... some flick called Lorna?

 

by nuveeeeena
6-27-04
we brought our lawnchairs and bug repellent and passed a gorgeous evening under the stars
you know, Russ Meyer's Lorna is a really strange fucking flick. And that was in the 50s -- pre-silicone
my GOD did you see the size of those things? I bet they had their own zipcode!
the busload of us -- about 40 people -- had the drivein to ourselves, pretty much
...and the message of THAT movie was: women are batshit, men are horndogs
well, I'm not saying that's wrong either, but... hahahah
The concession stand even stayed open all night long for us. Very cool of them to do so.
that wasn't the ABSOLUTE worse flick every made, but...
who else wanted to kill that old poetry writing guy? okay, next flick up.. Pinocchio???? what the fuck?

 

by nuveeeeena
6-27-04
The Alamo Drafthouse people took good care of us... free flowing beer and good BBQ
what the hell did we just see?
I don't think it was technically porn...
not even the most desperate pathetic person could have been turned on by that. It damn sure wasn't ART. I dunno.....
they did NOT use his dick for a Maypole.... that director needs counseling
I think maybe that WOULD be the worst movie ever made, but I hate to dignify it by calling it a movie
next up is something called Lady Terminator. oooh, let's spark that up

 

by nuveeeeena
6-27-04
http://www.rottentomatoes.com /m/LadyTerminator-1011812/preview.php
that possessed anthropologist bitch had some real issues
they even cribbed from the script of Terminator...feebs. at least steal GOOD shit
and she had a snake in her... augh....
yup. if I weren't so toasted, I'd be scarred for life! snicker
the damn mosquitos are the size of seagulls and twice as aggressive
the girls will get you some bug repellent..... last flick of the evening: Pieces. sounds promising...

 

by nuveeeeena
6-27-04
http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/pieces/
what a hoot! that was just gratuitously nasty! Quick! What is the most beautiful thing in the word? hahahah
why did theguy start with an axe, switch to chainsaw for the entire flick and then switch to GinsuTM knife? I don't get that.
Yeah. I think he really had something there with the axe.....
did you know that the suck-up guy was the SAME guy who was the so-called rock star in Pod People!?
we had more fun than the law should (or does in fact) allow
I KNEW he looked familiar!! o\~ Idiot control now! Too bad the sun was up. It was hard to see him getting chainsawed, but I still enjoyed it.
well, time to head back to Austin! Everybody be sure to GO before we leave....

 

by nuveeeeena
6-28-04
The smartest thing you can do at this moment is get your ass to a theater and see Fahrenheit 9-11. http://www.fahrenheit911.com

 

by nuveeeeena
6-28-04
I like digging. You know, poking around looking for bugs. Barney went down a hole after an armadilla!
MICHAEL MOORE DIDN'T DRAW THE CONNECTION BETWEEN 9-11 AND THE IRAQ WAR. BUSH DID.
What WAS he thinking during those long minutes, in Florida as he read the goat book?
Sir, the nation is under attack.
OK.

 

by nuveeeeena
6-28-04
It is well documented that the Bush family did a lifetime business in the Middle East and were associates of the bin Laden family.. hrm.
Tell me specifically WHY we were attacked on 9-11? "They hate our freedoms" is feeble reasoning, really. It is more complex than that.
Good movies make you think. F9-11 is a VERY good movie.
The military industrials are conferencing their asses off about profiting from Iraq and we expect respect as world leaders?
Our military strategy seems awfully destructive and careless of collateral damage. Why is that? How could we dehumanize these people so?
Why EXACTLY were we attacked on 9-11? Because Saddam had mustard gas in a turkey farm? Logically, that is where the Administration's reasoning would lead me.
It almost makes more sense that it was a business thing... like a mob hit. Was America hit, or was it attempt on the Bushes?

 

by nuveeeeena
7-07-04
Heh! I slapped one on the Hubble!!
There's one on my buggy.
http://www.johnkerry.com/signup/bumper_KE.php
Here, I'll turn around and you can see mine.
I need a really really BIG one for the tank.
I contributed and got TEN of them. I don't think that's going to be enough, though...
I'd give my shirt for one.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-11-04
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle - starring the HOT John Cho and Kal Penn. (not good likenesses)
I have got to finish this report. Man, I am so baked.
Nothing will do but a savory White Castle burger.
a story of an epic adventure spanning the part of the Continent between Bergen and Cherry Hill. This movie has it all. Blood, dope, sex, religious wackos, freaks, powerdumps,..
It's like, the Cheetah is in your mind.
Doogie Houser is in my car, dude.
http://www.haroldandkumar.com/
At LAST we are here. I'd like 30 sliders, 5 orders of fries and four cherry cokes.
Yeah, same for me, but I'd like diet cherry coke.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
Having just been to a Twin Peaks marathon, where we viewed all 29 or so eps in sequence...
What IS that? Ack! It's a dead body!
...thisi is more for my benefit than anyone else's.
We all loved Laura Palmer. But boy, does she have some issues. Who killed her?
I was just in love with her. And so is the doc, the developer guy and Bob, I think. Now I love you. I think.
David Lynch has a unique and beautiful way of looking at things. Much of it does not seem too odd by today's standards. Still...
Name is Cooper, FBI. Sure could go for some coffee.
Welcome to the investigation. BTW: Some of the residents are a little eccentric.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
I love you. I love you too. Oh, I love you.even more.
I loved Laura. I love you.. Let's find out who killed her. I love you.
Wash my clothes. I got to go murder and peddle drugs, then beat you some more
Okay. Then I got to get to my shift at the diner.
Wonder what kind of trouble I can make NOW?
Did YOU run off the Norwegians?

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
You are MINE.
hit me again and I am going to shoot you.
you don't hit me. i love you.. I'm going to make some coffee.
well, I was in love with her, but I'm in love with you now. Oh yeah, and I won't hit you.
I love you, but I'm married to a convict. Want some hot, black coffee?
Yes, and some pie. Damn I should have married you instead of that psycho pirate harpy messing with my drapes.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
I had a weird dream last night. This is a lovely pile of donuts! Nothing better than a hot cup of joe and a jelly donut.
Another one? I don't think the boyfriend killed Laura.
/i was sitting this room with red curtains and there was a dwarf dancing around.
ytooob ruoy ekahs
And then the dead girl was all over me. she told me who killed her. But i forgot.
[inaudible] killed me!

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
CMON!!! Let's go party! Thanks for the smoked cheese pig.
We look forward to investing in this development! WOOOO! Back on the bus!
I put cottonballs and oil on my runners to make them SILENT!! I WANT THEM QUIET!!!
I'll leave my voice-activated tape recorder here in case Waldo talks, which he may, when he recovers from his trauma

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
Waldo!
Poor Mr. Palmer... after all he has gone through losing his daughter... he dances a lot. I think he's lost it.
Oh, Susanna, oh don't you *SOB!* BAWWWWWWW!!!!
HELP! I accidently got myself sold into slavery and almost had to boink my dad. SAVE ME!
Breaking and entering is okay if you're looking for secret diaries and stuff

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
Agent Cooper, I am thrilled to pieces that the Dharma came to King Hohoho, I really am,
but right now I am trying hard to focus on the more immediate problems of our own century, right here in Twin Peaks.
Albert, you'd be surprised at the connections between the two.
Color me amazed.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
So, Agent Cooper, how are you finding our little corner of the world?
It's heaven, sir.
Well, this week heaven includes arson, multiple homicide, and an attempt on the life of a Federal Agent.
Heaven is a large and interesting place, sir!

 

by nuveeeeena
7-18-04
Listen to me, Lucy Moran, you just listen. When the Tacoma Sperm Bank was looking for donors, naturally I applied. It's my civic duty and I like whales.
A routine physical examination revealed that I'm sterile. Sure I thought it meant that I didn't have to take a bath, but the doctors told me the truth.
They told me I can't have babies. So what I wanna know now is why you are having one, and how?

 

by nuveeeeena
7-19-04
Jesus loves us, and shares our pathological hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
And whether Ken Lay helped shape our foreign oil and war policy is something that should be protected by executive privilege

 

by nuveeeeena
7-19-04
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is commie! Trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
Really, the best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
The United States should get out of the United Nations!! Our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-19-04
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Sex education causes promiscuity.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
Unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body!
But really, I am comfortable with unregulated multi-national corporations making decisions affecting all mankind.

 

by nuveeeeena
7-19-04
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him
Saddam was a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him,
Saddam was a terrific guy and helluva golfer when Cheney did business with him
Saddam has been amassing WMD for years. And I serously doubt Cheney still has all the sales bills. Get real.
State's rights give me a boner.
Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

Showing page 4.

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