All comics by russman

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by russman
10-20-09
You don't see me hanging around at Easter.
Shut up. I've got an axe, I can be Halloween.
So. I've got candy does that mean I could do Easter.
Yeah, pretty much.
I thouht you had some sort of religious thing going on.
Nope, it's all candy and new clothes or as would you say, costumes.

 

by russman
10-21-09
We should have put the boy in the balloon.
Then they probably would have tried to get us for child endangerment or some other silly law.
I know it's like they can't wait to charge us with something.
Maybe you should have got in the balloon.
Are you crazy? I could get killed. Remember why I married you.
I know, the whole subserviant thing. I saw Wife Swap too.

 

by russman
10-22-09
Mr. Bennett said you would show me around .
Sure, these are the cubicles, find an empty one and do whatever it is you do.
I was hoping you could help me with that too.
I don't know what your job is.
Probably the same as yours.
I doubt that. Mr. Bennett is my Dad. Showing you around is the most work I've done all week.

 

by russman
10-23-09
Another way to tell when the life your leading is probably not the stairway to heaven.
Hey, haven't saw you for awhile.
Oh, hello.
Everytime you run into an old girlfriend at the mall the conversation goes like this.
What have you been up to?
Look, I'm not the same person I was when I was with you,
What was that look? Was that disgust? No, more like pity. That's better, I can live with pity.
That's funny cause I still am.
I'm not surprised.

 

by russman
10-24-09
I'm going to stay here until I get what I deserve.
That should do the trick.

 

by russman
10-25-09
I hope you will be happy here.
I would be happier if you could stay.
It's cold as Hell here. I brought you here so you could live forever but I'll freeze if I stay.
If you love me you will stay.
12 hours later
You're no fun anymore.

 

by russman
10-26-09
You're not coming in the house like that.
The house that I paid for by looking like this.
None of the other guys come home like that.
How do you know that? Are you at their house?
The guy next door works for the post office too. I never see him come home like that.
He's delivery, I'm front desk, it's apples and oranges.

 

by russman
10-27-09
I find myself once again disappointed with the match-making skills of E-Harmony.
I got no complaints.

 

by russman
10-28-09
Hey, where are you going with that package.
Trying something I learned on Saturday Night Live.
You mean you've got your dick in that box.
No, Justin Timberlake's. Do you want to see?
Do I? Just try and stop me.

 

by russman
10-29-09
Remember that time we had that bet about Job.
I certainly do. Job didn't lose faith no matter what I allowed you to do to him.
What do you say, we go double or nothing.
Oh... well... I don't think I will allow you to torment any of my loyal believers that way again.
God knew he would lose this time but at least the world would know it wasn't Hannity's America
Come on, pick anyone you want, they will probably deny you before I even begin any tormenting.
Sean Hannity. And you can torment the Hell out of him.

 

by russman
10-30-09
Brad, it's time for dinner.
Can you bring it up, Mom? I'm doing something.
You're not playing with your thing again are you? I don't want to see that again.
Geez Mom. That was days ago. I told you I would put a sock on the door knob next time.
Brad, there's a sock on the door knob.
Go ahead and bring that one in. I've got it's mate here on the floor you can hang on your way out.

 

by russman
10-31-09
Weren't you supposed to leave after the commercial.
I'm not a baby anymore. I don't think there will be anymore commercials.
I really did underestimate the creepiness factor of this guy.

 

by russman
11-01-09
Jerry was glad Halloween was over.
The rules here are ridiculous. No passing out candy, no decorations, not even being able to put on the porch light.
He felt like he was being singled out just because of that whole being a registered sex offender thing.

 

by russman
11-02-09
You know what they say, Boy.
What?
Never bring a computer to a gun fight.
Yep.
Can you let me out now?
Nope

 

by russman
11-03-09
Chuck worked all week-end on getting his new security camera hooked up.
Chuck was glad to be home. He couldn't wait to strip down to his boxers, open that new package of Oreos and finally find out what went on in the house when he wasn't here.

 

by russman
11-04-09
I started a new job tonight for a phone survey company.
The trainer a young attractive woman, kept stressing the importance of probing deeper to get what we needed.
I doubt if I make it through the week.

 

by russman
11-05-09
Today I think we all learned a valueable lesson.
If you ever decide to go on a killing spree.
Don't go buy coffee at the 7-11 in your pajamas right before. It's not the cool killer image you want people watching constantly on the news for the next two weeks.

 

by russman
11-06-09
Have you seen my green smushy thing.
It looks like a dead fish.
My Mom got it for me for my birthday.
It stinks.
It used to wiggle an flop and stink in a different way.
Didn't we all?

 

by russman
11-07-09
I ain't gay. And besides he might fight back.
How are you doing, Sir?
You really stink.
I wish but people always come looking for white women.
Keep walking Ho, you got nothing I want.
You stink anyway.
Just right. Daddy's gonna have some fun tonight.
Hey Baby, you wanna come to my place for a Malt Liquor.
You smell bad but I could use a drink.

 

by russman
11-08-09
Today at the call center I had to ask people if they've ever had anal sex without a condom.
To get over the embarrassment I practiced on my Mom before I went to work.
It felt kind of better than with the condom.

 

by russman
11-09-09
Hello young Man. You're too late for Halloween.
Kill or treat.
I'm a computer. You can't kill me.
Treat or ctrl/alt/del
Help yourself to whatever you want.
Download all your porn here,

 

by russman
11-10-09
Hi there little fella. Do you come here often.
My Mom says I should never talk to strangers.
We're not strangers anymore. We just saw each other pee.
You were watching me? I couldn't really see yours.
I could show you again if you want.
No thanks. Mom says if you have to look twice it ain't worth seeing.

 

by russman
11-11-09
So I went to McDonalds today for their buy one get one for a penny Big Mac.
When they gave me the total I was a penny short.
So they gave me the extra one anyway. That's right, I got a free Big Mac from McDonalds today

 

by russman
11-12-09
After over a year of being unemployed. I finally got my first paycheck today.
I decided to treat myself to something I haven't had in a long time.
What'd you think, I was gonna pay my Capital One bill?

 

by russman
11-13-09
I like your shirt. Is that knew.
Ha Ha you said knew but you meant new.
How do you know? They sound the same.
Hey those look like ny shorts. But mine were white.
Ha you said were but you meant we're.
No I didn't. Did you pee in my shorts?

 

by russman
11-14-09
C'mon drama queen. We have to go to the mall.
I can't do it. I'm at the end.
Put the knife down and put some pants on.
The knife goes where I go and I no longer wear pants.
You can't go to Starbucks without pants. And you know how they feel about your knife.
I should have used it on her. You can't tell me she doesn't know how to translate medium into grande or venti or whatever the hell it is.

 

by russman
11-15-09
Keep your eyes closed. I have a surprise for you.
Does it involve you being in some form of undress.
Something you might like even better.
I can't wait. Can I open them now.
Open them. Want to ride the Pink Pony Express?
You know you don't have to make a joke out of everything. Some things just aren't that funny.

 

by russman
11-16-09
When I was little boy I told my Momma that when I grow up I'm gonna get me a butler.
She said I would never have enough money. But if you just cut back on some other stuff you can get whatever you want.
Just think about how much money you spend just on pants and toilet paper.

 

by russman
11-17-09
Hello, I'm calling from the social security administration. We're conducting a brief survey about your statement.
It's almost 8:00. Why do you call so late?
Yes Mam. I do set my own hours and choose to call at this time to wake the elderly and interrupt everyone else's dinner.
That doesn't seem right.
Russ, I need to see you when you finish that call.
Dear Lord. Please let them fire me this time.

 

by russman
11-18-09
Maria was going to learn
that breaking up with Pete has consequences.
The man hose art would be the first of many.

 

by russman
11-19-09
The bus is running late today.
Shiver me timbers.
I've always wanted to know what that means exactly.
Let me do you like a horse until my legs start to shake.
That seems a little gay.
Aye Matey.

 

by russman
11-20-09
Here at Johnson's Widgets the "Employees Must Wash Hands" sign is more than a suggestion.

 

by russman
11-21-09
Tree pose and hold it
I hate those Twilight guys.
I wonder who the new guy is.
hold it
I've been at this for over 300 years.
Looks like one of those Twilight wannabees.
and relax.
Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to look young and sexy.
Kind of hot though. Can't wait to see him doing the "down dog".

 

by russman
11-22-09
Hey Girl you owe me fifty bucks for that crack.
I got no money, ain't there any thing else I can give you.
What you got worth fifty bucks.
What about my baby girl? You can take her.
I hope we both get killed in jail.
Me too.

 

by russman
11-23-09
You know I like things better this way.
You don't miss the humans.
Not at all. Ecspecialy not the Amish. Who milks goats anyway?
Gross. You mean some humans drank from your udder juice.
Can you believe it? And it was even worse for the cows. Hey, where did all the cows go anyway.
We didn't drink from the udders. But we could not resist the meat of the rump.

 

by russman
11-24-09
Another old man has been awarded millions of dollars from big tobacco.
After more that 50 years of warnings a jury still felt that this guy was not made aware of the dangers of smoking.
And I still haven't got my settlement from big scissors... I never heard you shouldn't run with them.

 

by russman
11-25-09
Guys with long hoses and girls with big noses.
I can count nineteen on fingers and toes's.
I like to find a slut at the bar. Black people scare me when close to my car.

 

by russman
11-26-09
Russ ponders the day
Well, it's Thanksgiving day.
Russ analyzes his options
My favorite bar is closed, the old man bar is open but only losers with no lives go there.
Russ counts his blessings
I've got my Banquet turkey pot pie. A 12 pack of Busch and football on my 19 inch.

 

by russman
11-27-09
I used to take the day after Thanksgiving off to go Christmas shopping. I hated the crowds and never found anything I wanted. But at least I wasn't at work.
So, did you do something different this year.
I just started a new job so I had to work.
Look on the bright side. You got paid and didn't have to do something you didn't like that much anyway.
If you are not going to listen to what someone says, why bother responding.

 

by russman
11-28-09
I'm looking for the biography section.
It's times like these I wish I were a librarian.
Oh I get it, I mistook you for a librarian so that opened the door for you to hit on me.
Maybe I was just wishing that I would be able to help you.
No, you were definetly hitting on me. And just in case you didn't pick up on it. I'm not interested
I just wanted the new King book

 

by russman
11-29-09
Well, this is my house.
Better than I thought it would be.
This is the kitchen. I make toast and coffee here sometimes.
Pretty clean for a straight guy.
His wand was short and performed its one trick too quickly. But was still magical for one of them.
And this is where the magic happens.
Great, when does the show start?

 

by russman
11-30-09
Oh Grandma, it's beautiful here.
Yes it is.
Come to the edge and look.
I'm coming. It's time for us to do our Thelma and Louise impression.
I agreed to the Brad Pitt thing but I'm not going over the cliff with you.
What a friendly young man. And we found out he really does have a special feeling for kids.

 

by russman
12-01-09
You sure we were supposed to meet him here?
This is where he said.
Did you check that guy laying over there to make sure it wasn't him?
I sure did. I checked all over him. And then checked him one more time to make sure.
Maybe I should check him to make sure too.
Ok. But he was that way before I checked him.

 

by russman
12-03-09
I hate when they send us up here. What are we supposed to do?
She said something about the value of pie.
Pie? What does that mean?
It's got something to do with math.
She must think we are really stupid.
I'm just going to write pumpkin. It's better if they think we're funny instead of stupid.

 

by russman
12-03-09
My past continues to try and catch up with me.
It always has but I used to move too fast to notice.
Now that I've stopped running I'm reminded that objects in the mirror are closer than you think.

 

by russman
12-04-09
Deion didn't want to give his wife's brother a job.
What can I do for you?
I'm here to sell something.
But he decided to give him a chance to sell some product down at the park.
What are you selling.
I've got these white packets.
Clearly he should have spent a little more time in orientation with him.
You're gonna have to do better than that.
What about this gun. It's got to be worth something.

 

by russman
12-05-09
I am pleased. You have chosen to give of your most precious possession. You are welcome to the kingdom of heaven.
I am disappointed that this is your most precious possession. Still, it is and as such you are welcome to the kingdom of heaven.
You've brought an unworthy gift. This girl is not even in the top three in your stable. You are denied the kingdom of heaven. Leave the girl though, there is no since letting a sacrifice go to waste.

 

by russman
12-06-09
Hey Russ.
Hey Butch, are you ready to go?
I don't know. I never meet any body special.
C'mon man. You're due. I got a good feeling about tonight.
Do you think we can get one to go home with us of her own free will?
Baby steps, Dude. Lets shoot for alive.

 

by russman
12-07-09
What happened to you?
I got jumped by a bunch of guys after work. They said they were going to beat the gay out of me.
Poor Baby, lets get you into the tub.
Stay away from me Fag.....Oh my God, it worked, I'm not gay anymore.
Wow, you wanna try to beat it out of me?
You'd like that wouldn't you, Fag.

 

by russman
12-08-09
Oh come on. Not arm again.
It's fresh, I just got it at the bank.
What happened to the rest of the body?
There was the usual horde of us there. I was lucky to get this.
Could you at least cook it this time?
Am I married to the only man who's never seen a zombie movie?

Showing page 4.

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