All comics by smamurai

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by smamurai
5-14-04
Do it!
No!
Come on man!
No!
I will order a code-red on your pussy ass if you don't abseil to ground zero right now.
*sobs*

 

by smamurai
5-18-04
"When I was a kid my dad caught me reading gay porn."
I found it in the street.
NOOOOOOoooooo!
"He locked me in a wardrobe with the San Francisco 69ers. I wasn't allowed out till I smoked every one."
Glorp!
You got skills son.
"He tried the same trick when he caught me drinking alcohol one day."
Jimmy's dad gave me a wine-cooler.
I'll teach you about the horrors of alcohol son. Get in that wardrobe. The 69ers are on the way and they're drunk.

 

by smamurai
5-27-04
Why are you naked Mr. Lovett?
I guess you could say that I put the 'Lyle' into 'barely legal'.
But why put vaseline there?
It has also been said of me that I put the 'leg' into 'barely legal'.
And you are?
I'm Barley the dyslexic horse.

 

by smamurai
6-04-04
Hello Dave?
Dave?
DAVID!!

 

by smamurai
6-04-04
So Dave what did you think of Miss Summers talk today?
I found it very telling.
You did?
Very telling.
In what way was it telling Dave?
Yes, it was very telling indeed.

 

by smamurai
6-04-04
How do you think you did in the test today David?
I took a test today.
Yes, the English test we all just did.
I think it raised more questions than answers.
Which questions?
All of the ones on the paper you gave me Miss.

 

by smamurai
6-04-04
Don Cornholeone the people in the village are afraid of repercussions.
My father could cornhole anybody anytime, it didn't matter. Why have they insulted me Tinny?
Don Video+ did his cornholing away from prying eyes. You were in a crowded supermarket for Gods sake.
Just when I think I'm in....
....THEY PULL ME BACK OUT!

 

by smamurai
7-12-04
Your resume is excellent Mr Paperclip.
Thanks, I wrote it myself.
Ok that concludes the interview. Any questions you want to ask?
Would you like some fries with that sir?
Easy tiger, you don't have the job yet. Any sensible questions?
Are those my underpants your holding sir?

 

by smamurai
7-19-04
This Fall, Michael J Fox and Muhammed Ali bring you........
I dropped my chalk.
.....
Chalk Rock!! If they can't draw a straight line on the blackboard, they don't get their medication.
You big fat asshole, dont eat the chalk?
.....
...with the theme tune phoned in each week by Christopher Reeve.
o/` I see you baby, shakin' that ass `\o

 

by smamurai
8-02-04
Kids, I am Dr. pedantic and today I will be teaching class. Who has a question for me
I do. Shouldn't there be a question mark at the end of what you said?
No, it was a statment. I was declaring that your classmate, little Bob Who has a question for me.
There is no Bob Who in this class. Did you just spell statement incorrectly?
No I have not been drinking.?
*Ahem* Mother, I told you to stay in the car.

 

by smamurai
8-06-04
I just bought a phone with a camera in it.
Welcome to the 21st cenury my friend.
You have one as well?
Oh yeah and it's only a matter of time before you get bored and take a photo of your own penis.
So true. Check this out.
Hey! In the background you can make out the sales-dude handing you the receipt.

 

by smamurai
8-13-04
It burns! It bites! It freeeezes!
What's wrong dear?
Anal sex is what's wrong! Check out my ass. Red means danger right?
You need to use some K-Y jelly next time.
I do?
It's good for what rails ya.

 

by smamurai
8-25-04
2004. Graduation day. Alf-Alfa Denturai, cooking college.
Yay! I graduated top of my class.
Yay! I work as the janitor here.
Let's take the rite of passage known as 'road-trip' to the planet Earth
But I just met you and earth is a shitball.
It's not the destination but the journey that matters. We will be like family by the time we get back.
Yay! You can be like the sister I never murdered. Let's do it.

 

by smamurai
8-25-04
Graduation day. 2004.
zzzzzzzz!
zzzzzzz!
2005.
zzzzzzzz!
zzzzzzz!
2006.
zzzzzzzz!
zzzzzzz!

 

by smamurai
8-25-04
02/11/06 10:28 a.m.
Woohoo! We made it! Now let's get something to eat and vacate this shitball called Earth.
WHy are you staring at my hair like that?
02/11/06 10:29 a.m.
Hey buddy you don't look so hot.
Cough! Graak! Aaack! Kkkkk! Cough!
02/11/06 10:30 a.m.
How many times? I AM THE FUCKING MANAGER! Muffins are off after ten thirty.
I told you I don't mind if they are slightly off. Awww forget you! We're out of this shitball shithole!

 

by smamurai
8-25-04
02/11/06 10:31 a.m.
Zzzzzzz!
Zzzzzzzzz!
2007
Zzzzzzz!
Zzzzzzzzz!
2008
Zzzzzzz!
Zzzzzzzzz!

 

by smamurai
8-25-04
2008. Alf-Alfa Denturai landing strip.
WHAT A TRIP! What did we learn about each other?
You are allergic to burgers.
And 4 years in deep hyper-sleep really fucks with your hair.
My name is Alec by the way.
The End.
Hi Alec, I am Bob.
Hey Bob! Do you remember that time in McDonalds when you almost died choking on a burger? I nearly shat myself laughing.

 

by smamurai
10-13-04
hitsty lolobcsk ?

 

by smamurai
10-13-04
How did you manage to microwave Chip's dog?
13 minutes on full-power.
That's not what I meant. Go find an identical puppy to this one. Hopefully Chip won't be able to tell the difference.
Leave it to me.
What are you doing with that disgusting bag of blood and guts?
It's a micro-waved dog. lt looks exactly like the one I accidentaly micro-waved this morning.

 

Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Chip.
Sup niggers?
by smamurai, 10-14-04

 

by smamurai
10-27-04
Shhh! What's that?
I don't hear nuthin.
No listen. Can you hear music?
It's very muffled but I do hear it.
It must be John Peel, spinning in his grave.
Would It look desperate if I left some demo tapes on his grave?

 

by smamurai
11-05-04
Hang on I'll check. I think we have one left.
Thanks
Today my friend called and told me he tried pot once at college. I hung up the phone in case his stories got me high.
Hmmmn!
I will help clean your baby but I will not touch the genitals. My friend is also available to help but he must be in bed for 7pm sharp.
Can you go back in there and tell the lady I asked for 'muslin squares' please.

 

by smamurai
11-11-04
Did you take the SC test today?
No, I left it on the desk. Why would I steal a test?
Ha! let's hope you were funnier than that on the actual test. How do you think you did?
That test raised a lot more questions than answers I thought.
Ah! So you are one of these people that think comedic talent cannot be quantified or tested?
No I meant I couldn't think of any answers. I failed didn't I?

 

by smamurai
11-13-04
....and if you have any questions please call me back on Klondyke 555-555, thanks.
She wanted me.
What did she say?
'Hi, leave a message and I will call you back'. It was the WAY she said it though.
Oh my God, she practically raped you!

 

by smamurai
11-13-04
I've got Rob from sales here. He wants you to text him your photo.
What? No way, I don't even know him.
He says you have a sexy voice.
I've only called him like twice, he never said anything to me.
What should I tell him?
Ok, tits but no fanny, Last time I tried that I dropped my phone in the toilet.

 

by smamurai
12-16-04
Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
How can I step? I have no legs.
Open your mind and my meaning will become clear.
Just get to the point Dad.
Your brothers and I are off to Ibiza for a week. You get to stay here and be at one with nature.
You're putting me in the fucking dog shelter again, aren't you?

 

by smamurai
12-17-04
Do any of you girls know what oral sex is?
Fy dolla.

 

by smamurai
1-05-05
Have you had your face laminated?
Cling-film and tin-foil are pretty much interchangeble, right?
That was always my understanding.
Yeah mine too. Till I ran out of foil and still had some heroin left to smoke.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
tum ti tum bum dum ti tum
OUCH!
OUCH!
You know, you should try to concentrate more when you are shaving.
I know, thanks.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
Do you think it's weird that I am having a conversation with myself in my own mind?
No, it's a thought process that most people have. I'm guessing.
Yeah, It's not as if you are a separate entity with your own thoughts and feelings.
Uh huh.
So, did you see the game last night?
No and neither did you. I hate football.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
But if I can actually see you then I must be mad.
No you're not, I'm a visual tool to help our readers stay focused.
Our readers?
Yeah, oh and another thing. It would also help if you called me Vido, otherwise it's all going to get a bit confusing round here.
But my name is Flynn and you are me and ... wait a minute, you're Italian?
On my mothers side yes.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
So you are telling me that I am in a comic-strip?
Yes and I am the star of said comic.
Am I in one right now?
Yes. We are in the middle of one right now as it happens.
Can I give a shout out to my posse?
No. We have run out of time I am afraid.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
I know what's happened. I have had some sort of breakdown,
I must be a paranoid schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.
I'm in an asylum right now. Wearing a strait-jacket and lying naked on a table ....
... being watched by doctors through one-way mirrors as they laugh at my naked body.
Maybe I killed someone in real life so I created this bizarre fantasy about being in a comic-strip to escape the horrendous feelings of guilt.
Okay no more monologues for you. Did you forget we are trying to work up to a punchline here?

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
Can you prove to me that I am in a comic-strip?
Maybe I can...
Yes, go on.
... and maybe I can't
Why are you speaking so slowly?
You'll find out next episode. This is what we, in the business, call a 'cliffhanger'.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
Ah I see. It's all so simple. Vido, you're explanation was completely satisfactory.
Yes and when you talk about the viewers at home it's called 'breaking the fourth wall'.
That reminds me. Aren't the viewers expecting some shock revelation being that this is a post cliffhanger episode?
Yes Flynn, I am sleeping with your wife!!!
Are you really?
No. You're not married. Which is kinda shocking for a 33 yo Republican. Unfortunately you are neither.

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
CUT!! Look, this series is an absolute shambles.
It's meant to be a serious dialogue about the inner workings of the mind.
And for the love of God stop breaking the fourth wall. It's been done before and it's been done funnier.
Ha! You can talk. Our director, on screen and we are still filming. Talk about shattering illusions.
But I yelled cut? There is only one panel left. Someone say something funny.
And to think, I used to be David Schwimmer(sp?).

 

by smamurai
1-14-05
Hi, I used to be David Schwimmer(sp?). I'm the actor who plays Flynn in the popular Descent comic-strips.
The Producers feel that we have strayed from the original script template. Our episodes are taped 'live' to keep them exciting.
But sometimes we forget things, like jokes and stuff. So to re-cap...
Vido is a voice inside Flynn's head. Unsure if this makes him insane or not, Flynn turns to the only person he thinks he can trust..
..unfortunately that person is Vido.
We're playing it straight this time. We're serious actors and we will no longer be breaking any 4th walls or whatever.

 

by smamurai
2-01-05
Hail Eomer, my sister-son.
Stop shouting Dad. Do you want the whole town to know about your unholy union?
But I barely whisper son. Your powers of hearing are great indeed.
Maybe It's because I have three ears you sick fuck!

 

by smamurai
2-01-05
Hail Eowyn my sister-daughter. I have come to ask for your hand in marriage.
Won't mom be pissed off when you tell her your plans?
No, when I tell her she'll definitely be getting pissed on. I shit you not.
Well thank heavens for small mercys.

 

by smamurai
2-08-05
You did a really good job mister. My pipes are not leaking anymore.
So you like the caulk?
Definitely
You should touch my caulk later to check if it starts dripping.
I'll do that. Thanks a lot mister.
Caulk, caulk caulkity caulk. CAWWWWWWLKSAH!

 

by smamurai
2-08-05
I told my doctor I smoke about 100 a day
So he says
Son, why don't you give it up for Lent?
So I starts stamping my feet, clapping my hands, running round the room and shouting..
WOOHOO! GO LENT!!
Then I just about coughed up a lung. I don't know what the fuck that fucking quack was thinking of.

 

by smamurai
2-08-05
You're having a hard time adjusting to your fathers death aren't you?
Frankly mom, I am freaking out.
But son you know he will always be here in spirit.
That's whats freaking me. First of all you preserve him in a gigantic bottle of tequilla and then you go and leave him at the bottom of my bed.
I feel like I can't wank in my own room anymore.

 

by smamurai
2-24-05
You're a famous dead ball player.
If you build it, He will come.
2 years of blood and sweat later...
Maybe now I will find out why dad never once took me to watch him play baseball.
Is that him over there?
HOTDAWGS! GERTCHAR HOTDAWGS! Oh hey there son. Well this is kinda embarassing.
I'll say. And not just because I am masturbating in public either.

 

by smamurai
5-12-05
We have a puzzle here, Inspector Lonnrot.
Indeed. Indeed! What do you think happened here?
An actor who has never appeared in the show before but is semi-famous killed this poor black girl.
Who is it this week?
The guy who used to play Spock sir.
Leonard Nimmoy? Dammit constable, will the C-list bloodlust never end?

 

by smamurai
5-15-05
You got a scary glint in your eye tonight buddy.
Lack of pussy can drive a man insane.
As your pink imaginary horse friend heed my words. LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY!
I'm working on it. Last night I got in touch with my feminine side.
"I layed down between two pillows and imagined my head was a clitoris."
This seems like a terrible waste son. There are kids starving in Africa.
Mum just shut up and throw the yoghurt already.

 

by smamurai
10-12-05
I wanna see your face when you cum.
Here you go honey,
Is this your passport?
The pics a few years old and pre-op but it's still a good likeness.
Hey, who let in the draught?

 

by smamurai
10-12-05
What do you mean the fish you caught "was this big"
I mean. It was. THIS FUCKING BIG MAN!
What, you mean ....... THE FISH YOUR STILL HOLDING IN YOUR HAND, MAN?
MOTHERFUCKER! Err, I mean ...... what fish?
4 Hours later.....
Look, why don't you just say it's a Tootsie fish and you been licking on it. Then we can all go home.
It is a Tootsie fish and I have been licking on it. So next time, THINK, before you call someone a bull-shitter. ASSHOLE!

 

by smamurai
10-12-05
Mary is schizophrenic with over 16 personalites.
I want my mommy! Pwease help me find my mommy.
Poppy, I need to speak to Mary. Can you find her for me?
It's lucky for her then, that she is married to top Hollywood Psychiatrist, Dr. Corrupto.
Mary's not here at the moment Doc. Wanna shoot some hoops?
No Bubba you lazy stereotype, I'd like to speak to my wife Mary. I haven't spoken to her for two hours. Can you get her for me?
Darling it's Mary. I can't go on like this. Please help me I...
Mary can you MAKE MY SANDWICH NOW? I'm fucking starving over here!

 

by smamurai
12-04-05
That painting is for sale sir.
I talk turkey.
I thought you might.
'GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE'
20 minutes later...
The police are here.
'GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE'

 

by smamurai
12-04-05
Doc, my hives are getting worse.
Yup. There's good news, bad news and pretty shitty news. The pretty shitty news is, I may have to get glasses
Sucks for you. What's the bad news?
You have H.I.V
How can there be an upside?
It turns out you never had hives.

Showing page 4.

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