All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
12-29-04
... And the camel said to the llama, "You know, you're the spitting image of my sister!" Thank you very much.
Never mind that, Dan, how about showing us some Devil Ray highlights!
Hardy har har. I'll have you know they won that game, 4-2.
Hey, why don't you show some videos of my kid's little league game?
The Kato Kaelin Variety Hour will return after these brief messages.
No, really, laugh all you want, but that fifth inning was one for the ages...
BOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by kaufman
12-29-04
You can't just sit around here moping. You need to get yourself a job. I know that gig as the Padres mascot doesn't thrill you, but ...
I told you once, and I told you again; I will not wear that chicken suit! My loyalties are to another ballclub. Hang on, the phone's ringing.
Hello? ... What? ... Yes, I want to be the Devil Ray ... No problem, just send me the costume.
And he spent the next week and a half trying in vain to punch some eyeholes into his costume.
Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more ...

 

by kaufman
12-29-04
Were you or were you not in Indianapolis on the night of the 23rd?
No, I was in Alton, Illinois. I was in a riverboat casino.
I see. You were gambling on the river. So that's a denial?
No, dummy, it'sa da Mississippi.

 

by kaufman
12-29-04
Computers for $200. This indicates when a Windows machine is busy processing, and won't respond to your input.
(* hourglass icon *)
Please rephrase your answer in the form of a question.

 

by kaufman
12-30-04
Pompeii, 79
Vesuvius is about to blow. Tell the people to evacuate!
(* sundial icon *)
Montana, 1876
Tell General Custer there are more Indians than he thinks.
(* hourglass icon *)
Washington, 2001
We just received new information from Iraq. Tell the President that Saddam has no more weapons of mass destruction.
(* hourglass icon *)

 

by kaufman
1-03-05
Hi, my name is Dorothy, but you can call me "E." What's your name?
Tom. O, Mooooo! Too moot. To toom.
THUD.
Are you feeling all right? OH MY GOD!
You were with that poor guy who keeled over and died? What was he like?
He was such a dashing young man.

 

by kaufman
1-04-05
changing the default background in the wake of recent events might be tasteless
...........................but............................
it's still not as tasteless as the cubes of tofu that pass for the current default background.

 

by kaufman
1-06-05
Hey, Phil, you mind holding my dirty clothes for me?
um...
Thanks a lot, man.
I AM NOT A CRAPPY HAMPER!

 

by kaufman
1-07-05
I have come a long distance through many obstacles to seek your wisdom.
Yes, what is your problem, my son?
I am tired of my wallpaper at home. Could you suggest a nice pattern for me.
To quote the great of greats, the holy of holies, Jermaine Jackson ...
Jermaine? Jermaine? Are you nuts? Tito could kick Jermaine's ... uh oh.

 

by kaufman
1-07-05
SILENCE! THE PLANET WILL SUFFER FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE.
ZOMBIES AND FISH SHALL WALK THE SAHARA!
Braaaaaaiiin food.
PEOPLE'S PANTS SHALL TURN INTO PORCUPINES!
Why aren't you weraring any pants?
Are you kidding me?

 

by kaufman
1-07-05
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went ...
Come on. Help me out.
Uh, Janet Jackson was her ho?
Excellent! I will install your new wallpaper.

 

by kaufman
1-07-05
Faux brick wallpaper? The wierdo got us faux brick?
Yeah, I think he's turned over a new leaf.
*sings ala Syd Barrett and impersonates a flying pig* Oink oink oink oink oink oink oink oink oink oink!
And you WONDER why I call you wierd.

 

by kaufman
1-07-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fed!
How do I know you're not?
Because I'm a thin and mine a stomach is a growling.
Mamma mia! Where are my manners? Here. Have a sandwich.

 

by kaufman
1-08-05
So let me get this straight. I, Jean-Claude Van Damme, am now trapped in the body of a chessboard, you, Bruce Lee, are now a floating ethereal head, and Chuck Norris is a black woman?
That's right, and ... look out, above you!
Caw! Caw! Caw!
What the fuck was that?
Stephen Seagull.

 

by kaufman
1-08-05
So that's the deal, Keanu. All the action stars have been transmogrified into bizarre forms.
I understand, Mel, but why am I the weirdest of all?
Trust me, you're not. Don't you know whose body Schwarzenneger is inhabiting?
Who? I haven't heard?
He's now in the body of the governor of California.
Whoooooooooaaaa!

 

by kaufman
1-10-05
there. i've put on blue clothes, ditched the turban, shaved my beard, dyed my hair, and perfected a Midwestern accent. now are you happy with me?
absolutely, abdul. you're wonderful. but ...
but what? come on, say it.
lately, i've been having these lesbian fantasies ...
voila.
ooh la la!

 

by kaufman
1-10-05
.......Tuesday................Wednesday......
........Thursday...................Friday..........
.......................Saturday........................
what's the matter, abdul? you just don't seem to be yourself anymore.

 

by kaufman
1-11-05
What's the matter, Zelda? You don't seem yourself tonight.
Oh, I guess I'm worried about Dracula.
Dracula? What's the problem with him?
Didn't you ... No, you wouldn't smell it with your nose fallen off.
He came home this morning smelling like shit.

 

by kaufman
1-11-05
Today the State Department issued a warning to travelers to Transylvania that they should get a garlic enema before departing.
On second thought, let's go to Botswana.

 

by kaufman
1-11-05
I Wanna!
I wanna!
I wanna!
I wanna!

 

by kaufman
1-13-05
Here you go, son, catch the ball.
That was right to you. How come you missed it?
Like I can catch it when I'm nailed up like this.

 

by kaufman
1-13-05
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I'm on Illinois Avenue.
Ooooh, I have a Temple there. Pay 1200 shekels rent.
Ha! I smote Dr. Lucky. I win!
I have a straight flush.
Too bad. I have 16 aces.

 

by kaufman
1-13-05
Will you quit sniffing that glue, dad? I thought you wanted to help me with this model airplane.
Oh, sure. Here ya. go.
Now look what you've done. You've made a mess of it.
Nonsense. It's perfectly fine. Let's go out and fly it.

 

by kaufman
1-13-05
Listen, son, we've played games, tossed a ball around, built stuff together, but there's one thing a father and son should do together when he's old enough.
You mean?
Yeah. I'm taking you to a strip club.
Really?
You betcha! And I even talked to Brad, the owner. He's already got a character ready for you. Look for it on the threereasons menu.
I love you, dad.

 

by kaufman
1-18-05
CP, you there?
Hold on, CP, I think I hear a lawyer taking a dump downstairs. I'll be right back after I eat him.

 

by kaufman
1-18-05
Yo, kid, you mind helping me take this frozen embryo out to the car? He's huge! His mother must have been Turkish or something.

 

by kaufman
1-18-05
Get some refreshing liquid right over here!
Oh crud. Velocicoolers. One grabs your attention, and the others swoop in from the sides.

 

by kaufman
1-18-05
Thank you for visiting Jurassic Corporate Park.
Today we saw the dim-witted carnivore, the geek stealing trade secrets, the intelligent herd predators, evreything but the creature that spits in your eye and blinds you.
*HCCCCCH* *PTUUUUUUIIII*

 

by kaufman
1-21-05
Lester, I want you to find out who Prozacked the brimstone supply.
Right away, boss.

 

by kaufman
1-21-05
Yo, Mike! I think there's something wrong with this Star Trek tape. Listen to the Vulcan.
CAAAAPTAAAIIN, THAAAT IIS MOOOOOST ILLLLOOOGICAAAAL.
Oh, no, there isn't any problem. In order to comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act, they let a couple of wheelchair-bound Trekkies write this episode.
As it turned out, those geeks got really stoned when they wrote it, and they thought it would be hilarious if Leonard Nimoy spoke in the deepest voice he could manage.
Ah, so the sound that I'm hearing is only the sound of the low Spock of high wheeled boys?

 

by kaufman
1-21-05
What? Blue-screened again?
Dad dammit!

 

by kaufman
1-21-05
I am so fricken' tired of Windows ...
*ahem*
... being crashed by inferior hardware.
I feel your pain, son.

 

by kaufman
1-24-05
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEERE'S JOHNNY!

 

by kaufman
1-24-05
In other news, Rose Mary Woods, long-time secretary to Richard Nixon, died yesterday at the age of 87.
In memory of Ms. Woods, Channel 3 News is observing 18 minutes of silence.

 

by kaufman
1-26-05
Rumsfeld, we're taking a beating in the media over the fact that we can't supply our troops with adequate protection.
I know, sir, we're doing the best we can.
That's not good enough. We need to get them something, anything, whatever we can afford!
I'll see what I can do, sir.
o/`The first time ever I saw your face...
Soldier, what's that music I hear? Are you trying to get us all shelled?
No, sir! It's my new government-issued Flack jacket, sir.

 

by kaufman
1-27-05
Look, Cindy, our neighbors left their door wide open when they left on vacation.
Leth go inthide, Bobby.
Wow, nithe plathe.
Yeah, I've never seen colors like this before. Let's go into that room over there.
Bobby, I'm thcared. what ith that thing?
I have no idea, Cindy, no idea.

 

by kaufman
1-27-05
Let me get this straight. All five of you want to get into MY boat?

 

by kaufman
1-31-05
Why did the judge have to put a gag order on the Michael Jackson case?
It wasn't like we woulddn't have anyway.

 

by kaufman
2-01-05
We are told that in this contest we get bonus points for Burroughs homages.
But we are not told whether the references should be to Edgar Rice or William Burroughs. Either could fit the theme of this contest well.
Or maybe we are supposed to pay homage to Jeff Burroughs. Remember him? 1974 AL MVP?
But he had an even better year in 1977. 41 home runs. Never in his career other than that year did he hit more than 30.
You may also remember that on January 29, 1977, Fran Tarkenton hosted Saturday Night Live and pitched a new breakfast cereal, Sugar-Coated Anabolic Steroids.
Coincidence? I doubt it. Makes you wonder, no?

 

by kaufman
2-02-05
********** ASS PADS: 30% OFF
One set, please.

 

by kaufman
2-03-05
DIRECTOR, PLEASE!
Yes, how may I help you, your highness?
Take a look. Why am I playing against Sister Boom-Boom? This tournament is supposed to be for Royals only.
Well, see for yourself. He IS, after all, a drag QUEEN. Now why did you call me over?
Look what he did. He ran the hearts and I had to guard the clubs, and Cinderella had to guard the spades, so he got the 3 of diamonds at trick 13. This wasn't supposed to be a cutthroat game.
*sigh* Mr. Wimple, please don't squeeze the Charmings.

 

by kaufman
2-03-05
Cinderella, my love, why are you so unhappy?
When I was shopping today, I bought this beautiful dolphin figurine. But now I can't find it. I must have dropped it.
Don't worry, my dear. I'll set up a search throughout the kingdom for it.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Hear ye, hear ye! Has anyone seen Cinderella's glass Flipper?

 

by kaufman
2-03-05
Cinderella, my love, why are you so unhappy?
I've looked all over for my sod fastener, but I can't find it anywhere.
Don't worry, my dear. I'll set up a search throughout the kingdom for it.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Hear ye, hear ye! Has anyone seen Cinderella's grass zipper?

 

by kaufman
2-03-05
Honey, have you seen the banana peel that I used in school for practical jokes?
JESUS CHRIST, If you're about to tell me you've lost your class tripper, I swear I'm going to tear you a new a...
WAAAAAAHHHHH!! Now I've lost my ass ripper!

 

by kaufman
2-03-05
We at NBC are proud to announce a new spinnoff to our highly successful Apprentice series.
As you know, in the original Apprentice, 16 contestants compete for the opportunity to work under Donald Trump for a year.
The format of the new series will be similar, but it will star Martha Stewart.
For the next 13 weeks, we will determine who has what it takes to be my bitch for a year.

 

by kaufman
2-06-05
RAAAAARRRR!
Not so fast, Mr. Wolf. I'll take those keys and the clothes you're carrying.
Later ...
Gee grandma, what big eyes you have.

 

by kaufman
2-06-05
Nice ass.
Nice ass.
gn*hf%'kklq$ Fnkk&bf^q.

 

by kaufman
2-07-05
#19: Bar extender
#20: Antenna trimmer
You mind evening these out?
#21: Ritual Sacrifice

 

by kaufman
2-07-05
Here you go, sir. A large order of mashed potatoes.
Could you take them back and mash them some more, please? I prefer mine a bit less lumpy.

 

by kaufman
2-07-05
Ur becomes a Sumerian Empire.
How great do you think the Ur empire wll be?
So great, even illiterate netters will be referring to it 4100 years from now.
Egypt moves south to establish the Middle Kingdom.
Why is this called the Middle Kingdom anyhow?
Because we're the kingdom in the middle panel, silly.
Aryans invade Indus Valley
Gott im Himmell! You're Prince Harry, aren't you?

Showing page 42.

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