All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
8-02-05
I am Sam. Sam I am. Would you like green eggs and ham?
I do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like green eggs and ham.
Would you like them here or there?
If I must have your food somewhere, I think I'd prefer ... over there!
There is a problem, I do fear. Turns out you can't get there from here.

 

by kaufman
8-03-05
I'd like an undercooked Big Mac with moldy cheese, and squirt some special sauce on my shirt.
Cheeseburger, fries and a NyQuil shake.
9-piece Chicken McNuggets, extra pepper, please.
Quarter-pounder to go, in a paper bag that I can put on my head.
I'd like a hamburger with a George W. Bush paper doll.
So that's one Grumpy Meal, one Sleepy Meal, one Sneezy Meal, one Bashful Meal, and one Dopey Meal.

 

In other news, the Seoul government announced the complete eradication of hunger in South Korea.
by kaufman, 8-04-05

 

Oh joy, another John Doe.
by kaufman, 8-04-05

 

by kaufman
8-04-05
Do you still have the same cats and dogs as when I last visited?
Oh yes, and we've branched out since then. We now have a pet bear. His name is Gladly. Take a look out back.
Funny, he doesn't look ...
I know. We got him laser surgery last week.

 

by kaufman
8-07-05
I said the first one sticks a rotor turbine up the ass of the second one who's reciting Whitman's Leaves of Grass while peeing into the mouth of the first one who's farting the William Tell Overture.
Ha, ha.
Who the fuck are you talking about?
The Aristocrats.

 

by kaufman
8-08-05
And we call ourselves The Aristocrats. So what do you think? Will you represent us?
Look, I have a confession to make.
I only moonlight as a talent agent. I work as a dentist by day. So I've got to know...
When your son flossed with your wife's pubic hair, was it waxed or unwaxed?

 

by kaufman
8-08-05
They were a family act, a father, mother, son and grandmother, and a trailer full of animals. They were good and novel, but some things are just too offensive. I had to turn them down.
I loved their four-part harmony Bohemian Rhapsody. When the kid soloed "Mama, just killed a man" while eating his own feces, it just reeked of symbolism.
Likewise when the father was sodomizing the proverbial sin-goat to the tune of "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me."
But my absolute favorite part was when the mother inserted a mongoose and a snake into her overstretched twat, and their fight to the death brought her to orgasm with a resounding GALILEO FIGARO!
But then the climax was too much for me. When the granny shouted, "So you think you can love me and leave me to die," and jumped into the conveniently situated bed with a horse ...
...And began tearing the tags off the mattresses ... I mean come on! That shit is illegal for a reason!

 

by kaufman
8-09-05
CBS Television Headquarters, New York, February 11, 1964
Did you see the ratings Sullivan pulled in Sunday night? Incredible. The Beatles had millions of homes tuned in.
Almost every teenage girl from coast to coast was shrieking her lungs out. Well, I want to see that again next Sunday. Find me an act that can reproduce that, and you'll get a big raise!
Oh, I don't have to search far and wide. I know just what you're looking for.
Care to let me in on the secret?
You see, they're a family act...

 

by kaufman
8-10-05
It begins with a dance with hundreds of midgets.
Then I have my way with a man nailed to a pole, followed by my lovingly applying lube to every joint in another guy's body.
I make friends, if you know what I mean, with a fearsome jungle beast, and then we all get high on some serious narcotics.
And during all this, I've got a little dog jumping in and out of my box. So what do you think? Can you help us out?
Are you kidding? That stuff died with vaudeville. I'll sign you up when monkeys fly!
But you don't understand, Mr. Wizard. We don't want a contract. I just want you to help me get back to Kansas.

 

by kaufman
8-10-05
I see you added your location to the stripcreator guestmap.
Yeah, it took me a couple tries. The first time I was off by a few miles.
My pin had hit downtown at the site of our local fencing studio. Well, darned if that building didn't burn down last night!
Thereby proving once again that ...
I know, I know, the pin is mightier than the sword.

 

Gather the army quickly, sire. The peasants are revolting!
Don't be silly, good sir knight. Those aren't the peasants; they're the Aristocrats!
by kaufman, 8-15-05

 

by kaufman
8-15-05
Whoa, look at these fantastic neckties. How'd you like to go to work wearing such a depiction of debauchery?
Bestiality, pedophilia, group sex, coprophagy, and all so subtly done. Amazing.
And check out these certificates of authenticity. This one was used in a bondage scene involving Richard Gere ...
And this one was used for a lynching in Georgia. Hang on, let me ask a salesperson...
Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that new line of ties you have over there. What do you call them?
The Aristocravats.

 

Authorities are reconsidering the cause of that plane crash in Greece now that it has been discovered that all of the passengers were on their way to a Ted Williams fantasy baseball camp.
by kaufman, 8-16-05

 
by kaufman, 8-17-05

 
by kaufman, 8-17-05

 

by kaufman
8-17-05
Long time no see.
Indeed. What's new with you?
Just bought a new car.
Me too! What kind did you get?
Hummer H2. And you?
Toyota Prius.

 

I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat.
by kaufman, 8-17-05

 

by kaufman
8-17-05
Jenny, there's something we have to tell you.
Yes, we think you're old enough to know.
What? That you're gay? I've known that for years.
No, honey, that's not it. The truth is ...
You're adopted.

 

by kaufman
8-18-05
We'd better hurry up in here. The rest of the band is waiting for us so we can go back for our encore. You know we can't stop the music yet.
I'm going as fast as I can. Lord knows I don't want that guy in the navy sweatshirt in the front row to leave before I give him my hotel room number.
Jeez, take it easy! I'm sorry for not being such a macho man that I can hold my piss in all night.

 

Ωελκομ Ωαγον
by kaufman, 8-18-05

 

Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily.
Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream.
by kaufman, 8-21-05

 

by kaufman
8-25-05
Excuse me, are you Daffy Duck?
Why, yeth I am!
Well, praise the Lord!
What happened to you, doc? Fudd get you again?
Nothing tho dignified. It wath one of Pat Roberthon'th hitmen.

 

by kaufman
8-26-05
Bec and I had some guests over Saturday for a movie night.
We watched Casablanca while eating Moroccan food for dinner.
Hmmmm ... JJ and I have done the same kind of thing with themed movie-dinner nights. For example, last night we watched Back to the Future.
And what did you eat?
We had leftunders.

 

by kaufman
8-29-05
5th place: Cringe. 4th place: Criswell. 3rd place : Craig. 2nd place: Cranberries.
And 1st place goes to Creation.
Take it away, I-Hope-My-Aunt-Walked-the-Dog!

 

by kaufman
8-30-05
I knew I shouldn't have run that spellchecker on my RSVP.

 

by kaufman
8-30-05
The water's rising too high. We need to get out of here.
Let's head over to Bourbon Street. Things ought to be better over there.
Wow, you were right! It's bone dry. Is the French Quarter on such high ground that it's safe?
No, not at all...
But every time the street starts flooding, some sot comes along and laps it all up.
Wooooo!

 

Gladys, get over here! Another one of them Australians hanged himself in our yard.
by kaufman, 8-31-05

 

by kaufman
9-01-05
I'm standing outside a looted grocery store that is totally empty, save for a few loose paper bags.
Excuse me, did you say there were some paper bags inside?
Um, yes.
Woohoo! Let me get some.
Are these desperate times leading to irrational behavior? Ma'am, how could the presence of a paper bag possibly drive someone to the brink of elation?
Must be a Saints fan.

 

by kaufman
9-02-05
Harry, if this is true, it means ....
No! I can't believe.
I'm afraid so, Ron. Voldemort is really Neville Longbottom's grandmother, who killed Tom Riddle on these grounds three decades ago!
I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids!

 

by kaufman
9-02-05
This fall, coming to CBS:
SURVIVOR: Louisiana
Honey, my Thursday nights are now booked.

 

by kaufman
9-06-05
So long, little body.

 

Fin.
by kaufman, 9-06-05

 

You have no future.
by kaufman, 9-06-05

 

by kaufman
9-07-05
The second most EVIL night I ever experienced was spent inside a Toledo Best Western
The second most EVIL night I ever experienced was spent inside the Albuquerque Red Roof Inn.
Hey boys. I'm Paris Hilton.
ARRRGH! The most EVIL of all!
ARRRGH! The most EVIL of all!

 

by kaufman
9-08-05
Raining on the City of New Orleans, Katrina brings a Monday morning storm.
Those who can, they jam the outbound highways, Fifty thousand others try to stay dry and warm.
But the budget's rotten to the Corps, The levees, they can take no more, Waves of death into the city move.
And on the poorer side of town, Old black men and women drown, While others wait for help upon their roof.
Good morning America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your place for fun.
I'm the clogged drain called the City of New Orleans, I'll be sunk 80% when the day is done.

 

by kaufman
9-08-05
Surviving in the City of New Orleans, Looting stores, sandbagging your home...
Or sweltering inside the darkened outhouse That proves to be a not-so-Superdome.
The bureaucrats won't let you leave, The growing stench makes you dry-heave, And at the seams the whole damned place is bustin!
After five days they let you go Onto a bus, and westward ho! Shoehorned into another dome in Houston.
Good mourning, America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your place for fun.
I'm the clogged drain called the City of New Orleans, I'll be sunk 80% when the day is done.

 

by kaufman
9-08-05
Rescuing the City of New Orleans, FEMA finally sends a thousand men.
Volunteer medics come south to help, Without approval, they're sent home again.
The prez laughs and strums his guitar, While the VP vacations far From any place where he might be of use.
The Guard shows up after a week, Authorized to shoot the ones they seek, Haven't those poor folk had enough abuse?
Good night, America, how are you? Don't you know me, I'm your place for fun.
I'm the clogged drain called the City of New Orleans, I'll be sunk 80% when the day is done.

 

by kaufman
9-08-05
Vinter, bästa tiden på året.
Hejsan Snögubbe vill du ha en bulle?
Bullar? Är du dum eller? Snögubbar kan inte äta!
LURAD! Inte fan ska du få en bulle inte!
Ring, Ring! Ring, Ring!
kul......
Dude, hold that thought; I think I hear the lutefisk truck. Want me to buy you one?

 

by kaufman
9-09-05
I've been looking for a light for days. At last I found one!
Sir, I represent the FIAA, and I am going to sue your ass off for stealing our fire.

 

by kaufman
9-09-05
Hello Gran.
Oh hello.
My doctor says I should go on a high-fiber diet. Any idea what I ought to eat?
Let's go to Mexico. Maybe someone there will be able to tell us.
Gran, hola.
Muchas gracias.

 

by kaufman
9-09-05
Ok, Barbie. Time for you to go for a spin.
WAAAAAAH! Mommy, Jimmy put my Barbie in the blender!
I'll go have a talk with him.
How many times have I told you, you can not under any circumstances act with malicious motivations?
But Mom, I didn't harbor any evil thoughts whatsoever. Honestly, my intentions were puree.

 

by kaufman
9-09-05
Well, it's been nice meeting you. Do you have children? My Bobby hopes to join the Navy and Julie has her heart set on med school.
We have three children. As for career aspirations, they all want to be Greek philosophers when they grow up.
So, how was your day?
Not too bad. I met our new next-door neighbor.
Really? What's she like?
Oh, you know. Typical Socr mom, I guess.

 

by kaufman
9-11-05
Sir, do you have a problem?
I'd like to speak to the chef. Could you bring him over?
Yes sir, how may I help you?
Take a look at my pasta! It's got a reverse image of a Dilbert cartoon on it. Did you rub it on a newspaper or something?
Why, of course I did. You did order the fusilli putty, after all.

 

Hello Green!
Oh hello
by kaufman, 9-13-05

 

by kaufman
9-13-05
When I grow up, I'm going to marry YOU, Mommy!
AWW! Heh-heh! Isn't that cute?
20 years later...
Well, Mom...it's time. Let's get married.
Huh?
Wh...what happpened?
Oh, that nice Senator Byrd. He must have gotten money to build a freeway through our house.

 

by kaufman
9-13-05
Wheeeeeeeee!

 

by kaufman
9-14-05
Tonight our specials include a braised breast of chicken with demi-glace sauce.
Do you think I'm some sort of hick or something?
I know my Latin. I know that "demi" means "half."
And I came here expecting a full effort from your cook-staff. I don't want your chef thinking he can get away with a half-glaced job.

 

by kaufman
9-18-05
You know you're spending too much time on Stripcreator when ...
... you believe the greatest collection ever created somehow involved Dr. Pedantic's vacation to Japan.
Hey mistah, want to come to my restaurant for some excellent raw sushi?
You just spoke a redundancy, miss. Sushi is by nature raw.

 

by kaufman
9-19-05
This one's for those of you out there who collect "talk like a pirate" jokes.
Arrrrrrrr, I just heard France is changing their national calendar again.
From now on, summer will consist of January 13th, February 4th, 11th and 27th; the third week of March, April 12th, even days in May, prime days in June and July, ...
the first nine days of August, Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Chanukah. Arrrrrrr, what do you think of that, matey?
AWK! Pieces of ete! AWK! Pieces of ete!

Showing page 46.

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