All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

Alanis Morrissette. Tell me , why do your songs all have such a depressing , throw yourself off a bridge feel to them?
HEY! This isnt a very flattering character to portray me with Perm. Change me into Jael , or Maura. Even Lady J for chrissakes.
And dont even think about making a comment along the lines of "Isnt this Ironic , Dontcha Think"
Alanis Morrissette ladies and Gentlemen. Arguing with her imagination live on BBC1..
And another thing. Stop saying my ass looked fat in Dogma. I was playing GOD for chrissakes. Do you know how hard i had to work to get the facial expressions right?

 

Wow. So , your girlfriend left you after that night you spent in the Heartbreak Hotel?
Yeh , im all shook up about it. Any idea how i can get over it?
I dunno man. But if you try what i think youre gonna try , youll end up doing a Jailhouse Rock.
Ahhh , you aint nothing but a hound dog. Wait , here comes Elvis now , maybe he can help me.
Wow , Elvis. Youre the king of rock n roll. Any idea how i can win by girlfriend back?
But of course son. She should hang out with you and me In the Ghetto.

 

Ah say , ah say , ah say boy , its time to declare war on Canada. Mr Powell , ready the troops.
CANADA? Theyre our neighbours , our allies , they give us oil , lumber , military support.
Theyve already launched a two-pronged attack on the American people. They have to be stopped.
Two pronged attack? What the fuck are you talking about?
Celine Dion AND Alanis Morrissette just released new albums.
Hot Damn. Ill ready the troops!

 

Yo. Whazzup. Its Neal here , and im bringing it to ya straight from the hood. Boo-yah.
Yeh Brother. You tell them boys out there in SC Land what its all about.
Woah. Hold up a minute. Did you just call me "Brother" ?
Yeh homie. We kickin this shiz-nit straight from the O-town.
Lemme give you a little insight into Genetics "Homey". Im black , youre white. My Brother is Martin Luther King. Yours is Adolf Hitler. Comprende?
Shit negro , why you be trippin on me like that? I know my bloods and yo bloods. Be cool Homie G.

 

Ok. Let me explain to you the concept of "Racism" in modern america. Ill talk slow , so a cracker like you can understand me.
Word!
I can call my black friends "Nigga" , ok. That is "Not Racist"
However , should anyone else use the word , theyre a racist , and require to be strung up by the testicles and forced to watch Lethal Weapon 4 over and over , k?
Preachin to the converted here Bro. Take it to the bridge.

 

Now , as a white man , you are limited in the terms with which you can address me. Firstly , i cannot be called "Nigger , Negro , Coon , Blackie or Bush Baby" , ok?
However , i can happily call you "Whitey , Cracka , Wigga , Shithead" and "Oppressor of my people"
"Shithead"?
Im black , youre not. Youd be amazed at how much i can get away with by playing the race card.
Goddamn you Johnnie Cochrane.

 

So , lets Recap. Im Black. Youre White. Youre Wrong , Im Right.
Ok , Ok , So when do i get to mention that all black people are crack cocaine addicts living on Welfare.
You havent listened to a goddamn word i said , have you.
This would have been so much easier if youd just let me call you Brother.

 

So , you must be Asian Girl 2. My Names Pablo , im new on this block.
And i have five dollars.
Lets Party!

 

So , erm , Aye. Well , i said i would make it to yer wee do , but ive got to be in Edinburgh for some coursework that day.
Is that so?
Nothing to do with the fact theres no free bar , and despite your frequent requests , we wouldnt hold the event in Bennetts?
Of course not.

 

I mean , whits that muppet Dougan all about. Cannae get him oot for a drink for love nor money..
I think he has an aversion to socialising. I hear its common among Journalists.
What , not joining your friends for a night on the town?
No.
Not going for a drink anywhere that doesnt have a free bar.

 

So , whit are you up to nowadays? Still sponging off the state for benefits , week in , week out , and staying up till 5 in the morning making comics?
Actually , i work in a bank now. I deal with transactions totalling hundreds of millions of pounds every day.
Wow.
I bet you still cant get a date.
Thats rich.

 

So , how long do you reckon before other Weegie's like oorselves get forumusers characters?
Depends. Dougan wont ever have a character. Hes scared basically of what we can do with one.
Yeh , i know what you mean. Theres no personality to him. Hes one dimensional. He just hates Russell Crowe.
Still , at least hes not Zero_Entropy

 

HOLY SHIT! Archibald , my long lost half brother. How good it is to see you!
I wish i could say the same Horse. Are you still as excitable and annoying as you were 23 years ago.
Wanna see me run around in circles for 3 hours for no apparent reason?
Ill take that as a yes.

 

Everythings gonna be all right , rockabye , rockabye.
Everythings gonna be all right , rockabye , rockabye.
Everythings gonna be all right , rockabye , rockabye.
How i bet DX wishes his character didnt look like Shawn Mullins right about now.

 

Eh ba. So i said "them gravitons aint gonna generate ....."
Fella?
Fancy a pint fella?
Aye ba.

 

Im coming for you Lennox , im gonna eat your children. Im gonna tear out your heart.
Mike , either put up or shut up.
8 Rounds Later
I love you Lennox. Youre the best boxer ever. Now i can go back to my career as a Serial Rapist ...as soon as we finish our rematch.
Mike , you took my best shots for 8 rounds and you stood up to them man. Im offering you my mom as you next victim. BOOYAKASHA!

 

You cannot win Zeus. I know Karate , Kung Fu , Ju Jitsu , and lots of other words you cant possibly spell ...MUAH HA HA HA HA!
*groan*
Never underestimate the power of Chib Fu

 

Fed up with your children saying theres nothing to do during school holidays?
WHEEEEEEEEEEE
PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY!
Give them the gift that keeps on giving this summer.
WHEEEEEEEEEEE
PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY!
Prozac Junior
WHEEEEEEEEEEE
PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY PLAY!

 

If youre really going to Australia , ill just call my agent and have him book me a couple of appearances.
Dammit. I must escape him. I cant concentrate on world domination when hes singing Hit Me Baby One More Time.
I can sell out in Adelaide , Melbourne , Darwin .... "Darius Down Under" ...its going to be huge.
Well , erm , actually , im going with a few friends and im afraid you cant join us.
You dont mean .....
Yes , im joining the Pop Idol tour.

 

Dear Mr Perm. We regret to inform you that , due to a lack of work available to your team , we are terminating your contract at 24hrs notice.
We also feel that you perhaps you should take an anger management course before reapplying for positions here..
"Look at the Teeth on that. She could eat an apple through a tennis racket" is not the correct way to refer to your supervisor.

 

i havnet rapped a hoar in tree dayz.must...find....hoar....
*gasp* doctar who
Yes Fuck. I have come from the future to warn you over your current course of action?
yuo meen im gonig to rapp a hoar and she will liek it?
Worse than that. The next hoar you rapp will be your last hoar ever!

 

fuck yuo doctar who.i will awlays rapp teh hoars.tiem for a bit of uncnsenshual secks.
No so fast Fuck. Ive had enough of your rapping ways. Now youre going to pleasure me slowly , carefully ,and in exactly the manner i say!
pah.bend ovar and prapere to be rapped bicth.
You leave me no choice. Kaufman , activate the "Anti_Fuck" cannons.
Ahhh. i am dieing.
yes you are Fuck. And when you regain consciousness , youll wish youd never been born ... MUAH HA HA HA AH!

 

Wahts goign on. were ahm eye.
Youre in my Transmogrification unit Fuck. When you leave there , your urges to rapp will be gone forever.
NO! i am teh mad rappist. i will awlays rapp teh hoars.
Not anymore. When you come out , youll be a kind , considerate lover who gives me pleasure on command.
NEVAR!
And im giving you a 13inch penis , just for kicks.

 
Daddy , you suck.

 

Hey , its an exploding squirrel
No shit sherlock.

 

Enter TEH EVUL GENIUS!
Ahhh , some new playthings for my experiments. Welcome to My Island
Ahh , so , you must be Mr Mann then
Spinner , do you have any idea how stupid what you just said is?
Its slowly dawning on me.

 
Wow Dan. Tobor has gone 78yds now , but theyve tackled him right on the line , what a punt return.
WAIT!. His telescopic phallus hasnt touched the ground , its snaking through the ruck of bodies with the ball , TOUCHDOWN RAMS!

 

At Last. My genetic displacement unit has been completed. Now to create myself the perfect mate.
Fuck

 
Hey Guys. Great Party. I invited a friend along , have you all met Bazilla?

 

Yeh man , i mean , its cool to be called a "Rock Dinosaur" and all , but im still not getting the chicks man.
This could be because Jagger is 60 and youre 824.

 

*ding*Dong*
Yes?
Excuse me sir , have you considered letting Jesus Christ into your life?
*SLAM*
I knew i shouldnt have told him his saviour wouldnt be born for 3 million years.

 

Man , what a party. Thanks for setting this up man.
No probs man. I mean , if i cant organise a birthday party for my best friend , whats the point of being here.
HEY! A fireworks display as well. Damn , how on earth did you manage that? We havent even invented Gunpowder.
Errr , i didnt organise a fireworks display. I think thats a meteori........
Yes ,thats right captain. The scouts said sending a meteor with "Hello from Mars" was the best way to make contact. Permission to wedgie them captain?

 
A-Ga-Doo-Doo-Doo push Pineapple shake the tree.

 

Back in the Dungeon
We have net access. We can put out a cry for help on the boards. Were saved.
Youre going to post as JammyJim , from Sunday8pm's IP?
Were Dead.
Were Dead.

 

ZERO ENTROPY!. You got to your room right now. And never expose yourself to the neighbours again.
When i grow up , ill be famous.
Thats assuming i learn how to pee standing up.

 

Hey Karza. Are you looking forward to the big family wedding tonight?
Yes. My whole family will be there. 4 Generations of Afghan Pashtun. Its going to be so much fun.
I guess i should have called off those B2's then.
I hate you milkman Dubbya.

 

Ever since Becca hit me in the head , ive been going through a strange transformation.
Ive found myself in love with animals in a new way i never before though possible.
And as far as sex goes , i couldnt give a XXXX for anything else.

 

So , Dexx. Beaten by Bazilla in a comic contest. I mean , can things get any worse for you?
Now you come to mention it Perm , the British Lions are touring this summer. I dread to think what would happen if they could beat the mighty wallabies.
Only if they field 15 welshmen.

 

Hey. Its a call up letter. "Join the Army or we will come round and rape you till you squeal"
It says here thats the most painful way to die ever , apart from having sex with Roseanne.
Dammit Butch , i cant do this. Lets just murder Wirthling for making us star in such a shitty comic
Fucking floating head. What does he know about comedy anyway. I claim the first skullfuck.
"From all the Regs at SC.com. Thanks for your public service. See you in 30 years"
I bet TheBlairZip makes a sodomy joke. Its not like hes ever funny anyway.

 

DANGER WILL ROBINSON , DANGER!
Nonsense Robbie. The sign just says "Beware of Psychopathic Australian Dismembered head"
Ack!
DIE MOTHERFUCKER. I CURSE YOU IN THE NAME OF CHAPPELL , WARNES AND THE THORPEDO. DIE SCREAMING IN AGONY YOU CUNT!
Im guessing this new look is what happens when Becc finds out youre buying SC merchandise and donating to RockStarGame.
Yeh. You dont even want to THINK about what shes doing to my dismembered corpse.

 

Hey Maura. I know youve always had a thing for lesbian sex , so i got you a gift.
Thats very sweet of you. What did you get me?
Well , i got you Rosie and Alison. Theyre the two sisters from across the road. Theyll have a threesome with you and do whatever you want.
wow , thats thoughtful of you. Ive never met these girls before. Whats their second name>
Rosie and Alison Penk
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN PENK TWINS!

 

Ah sweet maiden. By what name art thou known.
I am the Princess Madi , and you are my rescuer , come to carry me home to my fathers arms.
Heh. Right. Youre all alone with me on a caveside miles from civilisation. I sense ill get my reward long before i get back to town.
Well , since you put it like that , lets see if we can get that armor off you.
ARGH! RIGHT IN THE NUTS!
I couldnt believe you fell for it either. Now get on the fucking horse before i give you an encore.

 

KRAMER! You fucking cocklicker. You havent used me in a comic series for nearly 3 months.
Ive been busy doing Darius jokes and my new Fuzzyman - Email Supervisor series.
Do i look like i give a shit? Honestly? You havent had me fucking a bird or messing with that cunt potter for ages. Im going stale here.
Look , ill do it this week. Honest. Its just difficult just now. All my characters are bitching at me that theyre not getting used. I promise ill think of something.
And none of that "Decepticons" shite either fuck knuckle.
Rats!

 

And of course , i want to be fucking Britney Spears again.
That joke wont work anymore. I need something new and inventive for you to be doing.
Well , howabout i fuck Shakira , then Beyonce , then top it off by making Dick Cheney suck his own cock?
Hmm , might work. But can i just add in a few thoughts of my own?
If it involves an Email Supervisor , or Darius from Popstars , then no.
Rats

 

Right. So i say "Hello , Wilderness Girl Cookies" , and then i stab him through the heart with the ice pick.
Yep. Then you raid the house , steal the holy book , conduct the dark mass , and we become gods amongst men.
I see flaws in this plan too numerous to mention. What if he has a guard dog?
A Guard Dog? Shit , you can kill any guard dog. Youre a goddamn killing machine.
Candygram , for Me? Oooh , i bet Tobor will love these.
Heh. What kind of an idiot calls their dog 'Tobor'

 

Well , that was an amusing aside. I have to say that things arent looking quite so bad now.
True , true. Weve lost all our family , our friends , our civilisation , but at least weve still got our health.
Indeed. And i think i have some wonderful news
More good news?
Im pregnant
Oh Darling , thats just wonderful!

 

And then there was a terrorist attack on the Metropolis Plaza , and i had to stop that
And then someone with a bomb strapped to themselves held 100 people hostage at the mall.
So you see Lois , i just didnt have time to pick up dinner tonight.
HAH! You know BATMAN would never forget dinner.

 

And then i said to him "Thats not your arm , thats your freshly harvested spleen"
Oh my fucking god. And what did you do next?
We interrupt this story for two fish singing "The Marriage of Figaro"
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
WILL YOU PISS OFF AND GET YOUR OWN FUCKING COMIC!
Inconsiderate bastards.

 
Harv?

 

Look Harv , this shit isnt funny.
I swear , if youre hiding behind the coral again pretending you got caught ill kill you.
Or at the very least ill blow some angry bubbles in your direction.

Showing page 5.

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