All comics by Porternotes

Profile

 

by Porternotes
5-25-15
Hey Derek, thanks for coming back to the cafe.
Sure thing, man.
It's always cool to have you here.
Likewise.
Will you take the usual pay?
Tips and an IOU? I guess so.

 

by Porternotes
5-25-15
Ok. So, before I get started, I just wanted to thank everyone for showing up tonight.
This is a great place for original music. Please come here often.
When the shit comes down, and we're all looting. Give this place a pass.
Appreciate that one, man.

 

by Porternotes
5-25-15
This first song is an original. I call it, "Don't Taze My Cow, Bro."
♬ Raw Milk is a choice, like being with just one lady....♬
♬ Pasturize my rights, my freedom comes at an udder disgrace...♬

 

by Porternotes
5-26-15
♬ Don't taze my cow, bro. Don't taze my cow...♬
♬ Free milk flowing, the government's growing...♬
♬ Men have nipples too...♬

 

by Porternotes
5-26-15
You don't see that everyday...
Nope...
This isn't going to end well...
Nope...
I never thought a man could actually "milk" himself...
Nope...

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
Where is your sister?
She's at the back of the store. They've got a robot, you give it a dollar and it tells you a story.
Your sister better not be giving a dollar to that damned robot!
I'll go tell her.
I never thought I'd say those words.

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
What the hell is this all about.
I AM TOBOR PLEASE INSERT ONE DOLLAR AND I WILL TELL YOU A STORY.
A STORY OF INTERGALACTIC HEROISM AND EXCITEMENT.
Let me guess. It starts out "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..."
Actually, cheap-ass, it's about an aspiring actor who wears a robot suit in a department store because muthaf*$%s like you don't support community theater.

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
Hey, there you are!
Yeah, sorry I got....
...distracted...
Were you giving money to that robot.
He tells a compelling story.

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
Ok, Robbie...
I AM TOBOR. PLEASE INSERT ONE DOLLAR AND...
Yeah, yeah, yeah... whatever. My family has given you, like, ten bucks already. What's the scoop?
Actually, it's more like twenty.
WHAT?!?
It's the most money I've made in one day in four years with this gig.

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
Most of the time people ignore me. I'm a performance artist. I need to be heard.
Well, you are in the back of a department store.
I wanted to be at the front door to greet people as they came in the door.
Why don't you move over to that retro arcade in the mall?
This place gives me a 15% discount off non-sale items.

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be in Hollywood.
I got hooked up with the wrong girl. Next thing you know I've got a kid I never get to see.
Then I'm in my 40's and cinéma dramatique takes it's leave of me.
Are you sure about that?

 

by Porternotes
5-28-15
...and then my little brother went and joined a street gang.
That's terrible!
...I feared for his life... I begged him... "Tre, you're better than this. Go to college. Get that football scholarship...
That's so sad... Wait a minute! That's Boyz in the Hood!
What do you want for a couple of bucks?

 

by Porternotes
5-29-15
Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hm-hm...
What are you humming?
I don't know why, but I woke up with that song "Hooked on a Feeling" stuck in my head.
ugh! I hate that song!
Hours later...
...I'm high on believing... DAMNIT!!

 

by Porternotes
5-29-15
Are you having Open Mic tonight?
Yes. From 7 to 9.
Excellent. I've always wanted to try it.
Great! Do you sing or play guitar?
I pontificate whimsically about the follies of man amidst the temptations of modern times to refresh and renew the spirit.
oh.... Christian stand-up.

 

by Porternotes
5-31-15
So, you think you're a funny guy, huh?
Well, Lord permitting.
I used to be a pastor, buddy. I know the whole shtick. I used to be a big deal in this town.
Oh Yeah... I'd heard of you. You were the youth group leader that all the kids hated.
See! I'm a legend.

 

by Porternotes
5-31-15
Alright once again it's Open Mic. I'm your illustrious host, Matt.
I'm ready to do my routine now.
It's not your turn yet. You have to wait.
I have been waiting. It started at 7. You've sang four songs and recited a poem. Your daughter sang a song. And you played with two other guys.
Your point is?

 

by Porternotes
6-01-15
You're the Open Mic HOST, not the Open Mic STAR. You introduce the other acts. We're the stars.
Look, if this is because I gave up the church...
This has absolutely nothing to do with the church.
...I mean, I know it's difficult to understand when someone makes this kind of decision for themselves...
ugh! Just get on with it. I'm sick of hearing your voice already.
...I'm still ok with Jesus.

 

by Porternotes
6-01-15
Well, ok folks. Before I bring up the next act...
Finally.
You know, it's all about respect here. I am at the microphone.
ugh!!!

 

by Porternotes
6-01-15
Alright fine.
Ladies and gentlemen. To do his Christian Comedy Routine. Here's Whiney-Cry-Baby NoTalent.
Whatever. Clap or don't, I know I won't.

 

by Porternotes
6-01-15
Hey everybody. I'm Ben. I'm kinda nervous, I've never been in front of a group like this.
Well, not outside of my church group.
If you don't mind, to get more comfortable, I think I might get into my uniform.

 

by Porternotes
6-01-15
What's this guy doing? Changing clothes?
It's his first time on stage. Maybe his church group outfit is like a security blanket to him.
That's better.

 

by Porternotes
6-02-15
I'm all for artistic expression. Hell, I'm even all for comedy. So I'm willing to give you a chance with this.
But if I see it going where it shouldn't. I'm taking you off the stage.
Got it.
I'm giving you just enough rope...
Hey! That's half my routine.

 

by Porternotes
6-03-15
So, anyone else out there ever done some hangin' around Mississippi?
Alright, that does it. Leave the stage.
You aren't bringing that into our shop.
Can I at least plug my site? The KKKKOMIC.com!

 

by Porternotes
6-04-15
Hey honey!
What are you doing in here? I'm about to use the bathroom!
I need to wash my hands. I'll only be a second.
No. You need to wait. Between my kids, your kids, the dog and the rest of the world: this is the only private space I have.
Sheesh! Are you afraid you make funny faces when you...
Get out!

 

by Porternotes
6-04-15
It really hurt my feelings when you kicked me out of the bathroom just now.
I'm sorry, but I don't care. It's one of those things where I draw the line.
I'm your husband. We should share everything.
Nope. Not going to happen.
Here, come into the bathroom. I'll show you my pooping face. I feel a real Jim Varney coming up.
No WAY!

 

by Porternotes
6-06-15
I see that it's Matt's birthday Friday.
Yeah, what tipped you off? The 400 status updates per hour?
I know, right? He's all, "Like me! Comment! Share! Adore!"
Exactly. "And for good measure, here's a picture of my daughter too."
I'm going to check if there's any comic comments about Vegan Dad.
Do they like MY character?

 

by Porternotes
6-06-15
Stupid Facebook.
You don't own me.
oh! Kittens!

 

by Porternotes
6-06-15
Even though tomorrow is Matt's birthday, I have to take my stand some time. Facebook be damned, I'm cutting the cord.
You know that it'll hurt his feelings not to e acknowledged tomorrow.
I think he'll respect my stance. He might even be proud that I chose his birthday for the momentous event.
This is Matt we're talking about.
Who on my list can I ignore on their birthday to make my point?
Maybe start with your mother?

 

by Porternotes
6-06-15
...and in conclusion, even though I'm wishing you a happy birthday, it isn't because I'm a FB automatron.
There. I wished him a happy birthday, but I also used my post as a forum against Facebook.
Good. I also posted something on his wall.
Oh yeah? I didn't see it.
Yeah it was some random picture of pickles or hot peppers in sombreros and said Happy Birthday or some stupid shit.

 

by Porternotes
6-07-15
Hey, thanks for the birthday post.
You're welcome.
I appreciate it, even though we all know Facebook is a crock of bullsh*%#t.
I almost didn't post anything as a protest. Might be the case next year.
Why do you hate me?

 

by Porternotes
6-09-15
Ok, keep an eye on the time, I'll meet you back here in two hours.
Got it.
Look what we have here...
Hey, what's up, Cheap-ass? Like my new digs?
Somehow it makes more sense for you to be here, but something tells me you miss the lingerie section at the department store.

 

by Porternotes
6-11-15
All over Facebook I'm still seeing stupid tributes to Paul Walker. He wasn't that great. But it IS funny that he died in a car crash.
Like I recently learned in the joint: Karma's a bitch.
You were in the joint?
Grab my belt loop.

 

by Porternotes
6-12-15
So you took my wife's advice, eh?
Sure did. Smart lady you've got there. Treasure her.
I do. She's great. Hey, looks like you've got a customer coming up.
Hang tight, I'll get back with you in a moment.
GREETINGS HUMAN, I AM TOBOR... Oh, hey Phil. I didn't recognize you.
Yeah, um... That kid over there said he mistook you for the token machine and not only did you not produce tokens, but you refused to give him his money back. Know anything about that?

 

by Porternotes
6-12-15
What?! That kid sat here and listened to a mighty entertaining story. One of...
Yeah, I know, intergalactic adventure. Can I just get his money back?
Yeah, ok. Sure. Here. No respect of the artist.
Consider this a verbal warning, Tobor.
Couldn't use a robot storyteller at that coffee shop of yours, eh?
Remember that smart lady you mentioned a moment ago?

 

by Porternotes
6-12-15
I'll tell you what. My boy's got me waiting around for him for a couple of hours. Why don't you tell me a story?
Really? You mean it?
Sure. I'd like that.
Well, hey man, that's all right. You ain't half bad.... Hold up hold up. What's that?
A dollar...
You just saw me lose business and all your cheap-ass can think to do is offer a dollar?!

 

by Porternotes
6-12-15
How was the trip to the mall.
It was ok. We went to the retro arcade.
That sounds fun. Did you challenge your dad in centipede?
No I played by myself. He was busy talking with the robot.
The robot from the department store? Did he spend the whole time you were there with him?
No. He left for a few minutes and went to the ATM.

 

by Porternotes
6-13-15
So, how is Tobor?
He's pretty much the same. He did say I should TREASURE you.
....reeeeally...
Yep.
How much did that cost you?
That was before he started the meter.

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
Hey Matt.
Hey, I can't host Open Mic this week.
Ok.
That's it? You don't want to know why? Fine. I won't be here for it, either. I'm sure you don't care about that as well.
Ok.

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
You really should appreciate me. I'm the best customer you have here. I spend money here every day.
I'm a huge advocate for this place. I tell everyone to come here. I practically live in this coffee shop.
Ok.
Son of a b$%#*.

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
Ok, fine. What have you got going on that you can't host Open Mic this week.
Don't patronize me.
You can't say that I don't care about you as a person then when I ask you a personal question get pissy with me.
I have a date. Yes. Shocker, I know. Loser Matt, who nobody here respects, has a date. Surprise, surprise.
Really? What is your plan?
I was thinking of bringing her here to meet you guys.

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
Who's your date?
You know that gal, Denise who comes in here?
Hey good for you! She's pretty cool.
Well, it's not her. It's her sister, Jeannie.
Dude! Seriously? She's...
Beautiful!

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
Yeah. Jeannie is a beautiful girl, but she's got some challenges.
Oh, I know.
She and I and a couple of other people used to be roommates when we were in our twenties.
Yeah, she told me about those days.
So, yeah, I got to know her pretty well.
Isn't she incredible?!

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
So, there's no telling him anything. He's blinded by her.
Well, she is beautiful, but the stories you told me about her definitely makes her sound...
...crazy?
Yeah.
He'll just have to find out for himself.
Never underestimate the power of spermsuasion.

 

by Porternotes
6-14-15
The big date's coming up. Excited?
I am. We've been texting each other a lot since I met her. Hang on... my phone's going off.
Text from her?
Yeah. "You haven't sent me a text in over THREE minutes." She's so cute.
hmmmm....
Hang on... my phone's going off again.

 

by Porternotes
6-21-15
Don't you have anything you want to say to me today?
Thank you?
No.
I'm sorry?
No... it's a special day today.....
Oh, Merry Father's Day!

 

by Porternotes
6-30-15
You haven't been doing much with Vegan Dad lately.
A-ha! That's as far as you know.
Oh, really?
Yep. I gotta few tricks up my sleeve.
Married all these years, I've seen all of your tricks.
Sadly, so has Vegan Dad.

 

by Porternotes
6-30-15
Didn't you enter a competition?
Yeah I did.
What's going on with that?
I won the first round, but I'm behind in the second round.
But you still haven't lost, yet?
Oh, there's plenty of time for me to lose.

 

by Porternotes
7-02-15
I haven't seen Matt in a long time.
Not since he started dating that gal.
Yeah, she's a handful.
He's probably so busy being lovey-dovey he's not got time for us anymore.
eh... likely it's a lot of sitcom binging on Netflix.
The things you do for love.

 

by Porternotes
7-02-15
Hey! We were just talking about you.
Thanks, but no time to talk. We need some caffeine to get us through the night. Wild, man... not gotten a full night sleep in so long... She's wearing me out...
Oh, yeah? What season of Friends are you up to?
For your information, I was referring to SEX...
...in the CITY.

 

by Porternotes
7-08-15
I know it all seems fun and exciting right now, but I warn you, she's got a bit of a crazy side to her.
Well, it's weird, because I ran into her sister the other day when I was picking my daughter up at school. She asked me why I haven't run off yet.
Hmmmm...
I asked her what she meant, and she laughed.
Even her own sister...
...is jealous of our love. I know, right? It's sad.

Showing page 5.

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