All comics by Screendummie

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by Screendummie
5-04-05
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?''
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first asks again, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, '' I suck a lifesaver. ''
After a few minutes. The first old lady asks, ''Who drives you to the beach?''

 

by Screendummie
5-05-05
Did you hear that? The cheered for me at the end!
Wow!
You really believe that don't you?
Why else would they be cheering me?
Maybe 'cause you left the stage?

 

by Screendummie
5-06-05
Dad, I want a pair of helper monkeys. Get me them.
Why in the hell would you want them?
I've adopted a new lifestyle of uber-laziness.
But why two?
So the helper monkeys will change each other's shit filled diapers. Der!

 

by Screendummie
5-07-05
You yanks have such a fascist government.
We elected a Congress and President. What's to bitch aboot?
I think your elections were a farce. There has never been such a display of fascism in my country.
Oswlad Mosley's British Union of Fascists in the 30's?
Dammit, now you gone an made him quit!
Limey bastard can ride his high horse back to merry ole England.

 

by Screendummie
5-09-05
You know, I saw some ugly children today.
Is this ugly as in fugly?
Damn straight!
Like Gumby on crack?
Even worse! It was twins.
That's like being slapped with ugly twice!

 

by Screendummie
5-10-05
Son, we need to speak. I found this knife in your room.
Point?
What did I tell you about keeping knives in your room.
I dunno. You tell me.
I mean, look at the rust all over this. How many times do I have to tell you clean the blood off the blade!
I'll be sure to use you're "nice" shirt to clean it next time.

 

by Screendummie
5-11-05
I just came back from my visit from a Super Wal-Mart.
Wal-Mart survived the apocalypse?
Fuck yeah! And they had this most awsome sale of jelly beans by the ton.
Why would you need a ton of jelly beans?
Der! If I have to explain why I need a ton of beans, then you don't need to know why.
On second thought, I don't wanna know.

 

by Screendummie
5-11-05
I wanna be more like D.L. Hughley when I appear on stage next time.
So you want to do the same predictable, racist banter about white people like what he does?
Its not racism. Its humor if you're black.
But you're not black!
But they can't tell that from my decomposing corpse. Besides, white people always laugh when a black guy is racist to them.
Then you got a real chance there, buddy.

 

by Screendummie
5-12-05
Did you hear about Satan's image problem?
Nope.
Apparently he just hired Karl Rove as his chief of staff!
Sweet!
That means he'll make Jesus look like a gimp!

 

by Screendummie
5-12-05
Lets argue like when people do on a forum!
Yeah. People you'll never meet are perfect to bitch at!
Yeah...you're nipple rings make you look straight!
At least I have nipples bitch!
Oh yeah, well...I'll eat your next boyfriend!
Ouch...you can't do that! That's a hate crime!

 

by Screendummie
5-13-05
I went to the zoo today.
Why in the hell would you go to one?
I mean there were pandas, tigers, emus and monkeys. I love monkeys!
Its nice to know you like something out there.
I mean, it was like a buffet!
So much for the monkeys...and their brains.

 

by Screendummie
5-15-05
I just have this great TV idea for us!
Sock it to me, buddy.
Its this show, and we like go on public access and talk about shit in your basement.
Didn't they do that in a movie?
That isn't gonna stop me.
Nor the fact I don't have a basement.

 

by Screendummie
5-15-05
Scratch that last idea. How about this most awsome movie idea festering in my mind.
That's just not only thing festering in your body.
Ha ha! Anyways, I play this romance writer kidnapped by a despotic pygmy king.
And who do I play as?
Get this, you play as Michael Douglas's side kick.
I'm studlier than Danny DeVito!

 

by Screendummie
5-15-05
And here's the best idea of them all!
JOY!
It stars Buddy Ebsen who plays an oil billioniare and as a street smart dick that hilariously solve mysteries.
And how to eat possum bellies!
I call it "The Elderly P.I.-billies".
Brilliant!

 

by Screendummie
5-17-05
I just got my special "Satan's Chrome" card after sending my redemption card a year ago!
Satan has his own line of trading cards?
Why wouldn't he?
Doesn't seem like something Satan would do.
But the evil thing is that I spent sixty dollars to get the five dollar "DeathFactor" card.
Must be murder on your wallet.

 

by Screendummie
5-19-05
I'm gonna head out in a bit.
Where are you going? Gonna bang a monkey?
Nah, just gonna chill wif a friend.
You have "a" friend? Wow! Movin' on up.
Yeah. He ain't fake either
Just like your personality?

 

by Screendummie
5-21-05
Why do you need to miss the next couple of weeks of school?
Because I need to stand in line for a movie.
You're talking aboot Star Wars?
Fuck no! That movie is for nerds and pussies.
I wanna be first in line for Land of the Dead.

 

by Screendummie
5-21-05
Do you know how I can raise a hundred bucks?
Why the fuck do you need a c-note?
Because I wanna get the Star Wars Force FX Lightsaber collectable.
For a hundred bucks, that you can cease being a virigin.
Girls do that for money?
Oh...they do lots of things for money that your cherry mind can't handle.

 

by Screendummie
5-22-05
You've seen the movie "The Fog?"
Yeah, some pirate dudes killin' peeps in it.
In my version, its called "The Smog" and it takes place in East L.A.
Who's gonna be riding in that?
Some eses riding in low riders giving you a drive by.
Hope their aim is better than the LAPD.

 

by Screendummie
5-23-05
You know, I always wanted to know where babies come from.
You mean, you never knew before you were zombified?
Yep.
Well then. They're found in a cabbage patch under the leaves after a shower.
You mean all this time I could've gotten an easy meal?
Oh, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

 

by Screendummie
5-24-05
You lied to me!
Which lie was it?
You mean, you've been lying to me all this time?
Geez, thought you'd figure that out after I told you a head of lettuce had brains in it.
I'll eat your brains!
Hate to break this to you, but my head is filled with fiery lava.

 

by Screendummie
5-26-05
We're not much different than M&M's.
Whether you're white, black, yellow or red skinned.
You're all red and gooey on the inside to me!

 

by Screendummie
5-28-05
Sometimes, we really need to go to our happy place.
And really hide there after viewing the last, or rather "third", installment of Star Wars.
Because soon, all the bitching about Wars is about to begin the week after.

 

by Screendummie
5-29-05
I just got Leonard Nimoy's autograph!
That's cool, in a nerd sort of way.
I know! He was just like a normal guy and all.
What did you have him sign?
On my left buttock!
He must've been very cheeky about it.

 

by Screendummie
5-30-05
I think I have a tummy ache.
What did you eat?
I had some Korean food.
How is it?
They're kinda spicy from all the kimchi they eat

 

by Screendummie
5-30-05
Jeez...I watched a TV show earlier about scientists making up aliens to get attention.
Yeah, that's much easier than actually finding them
I mean, all this technology, and they use it to create a Pixar like show.
That's a fucking waste!
All those millions and billions should be going to creating ray guns and neutron bombs.

 

by Screendummie
5-31-05
You know, I haven't seen it rain since I've been here.
Yeah, we're kinda due for some.
When I was younger, I liked to sing in the rain.
Yeah, I like singin' in the acid rain too.
You know how much I hate you for ruining my youthful reminiscence?
I reminiscence aboot having sex too.

 

by Screendummie
6-02-05
Don't you have real name or something besides Zombie?
That's an easy one. People just call me X.
Har har! What was your real name?
Think they called me Skolnick.
Skolnick? That's from Revenge of the Nerds!
Oh wait...that's what I watched this morning.

 

by Screendummie
6-05-05
You're gonna still talk shit about me and my WHAM collection?
Fuck ya, bitch!
Well, well. I caught you singing "Waterloo" in the shower the other week.
There's nothing wrong with ABBA!
Only if you're an effeminate weirdo. Oh wait...never mind.
Ha ha! You teeny bopping piece of fetid mokey crap. Oh wait...never mind too!

 

by Screendummie
6-06-05
Fine, we'll agree to never agree.
I'm qoo with that.
You know what I like. The Clarence Clearwater Revival
That's actually Creedence Clearwater Revival.
Fuck! You mean...
...you've been a geniune ass for decades?

 

by Screendummie
6-07-05
I always wanted to be some sort of royalty.
I'm gonna regret asking, but what kind?
A prince.
Not to shabby. Prince of what?
The Prince of Tides.
You and Barbra Streisand would make a charming couple.

 

by Screendummie
6-08-05
You know, this is like the cleanest b-room I've been in.
Um...thanks for the compliment.
Yeah, back in my day, we had this whole in the ground.
What did you use to wipe your ass with?
This thing I'm holding in my right hand.
You've been eating my grapes with that!

 

by Screendummie
6-09-05
I just bought something so cool today on eBay!
What horrible piece of crap did you buy now?
Crap, maybe, but I got fifty bucks in my pocket.
People pay people money get ride of their crap now?
Yeah! Who would've thought I could get paid to get Keanu Reeve's acting talent?
You lucked out! I would've asked for double.

 

by Screendummie
6-10-05
I watched a True Hollywood Story on Nicole fucking Richie.
What story can you do on a spoiled brat thats now of drinking age?
Talking bout how she did lots of drugs. Her drug addiction started innocently enough. What the fuck DOES that mean?!
Did? You mean she still does them.
I don't know, guess she started with pot then moved on to crack, heroine and formaldehyde. Just joking bout that last one.
Wish you weren't. Means she dead, and sucking out her life juices.

 

by Screendummie
6-12-05
Geez...when are people gonna pull their heads out of their asses.
Ga?
I mean people keep calling this unmitigated dumbass the Prophet.
You talkin' about Mohammed?
By Allah no! I mean that mumbling, rambling dipshit Bob Dylan.
Regular 80's poster boy for "Say No to Drugs".

 

by Screendummie
6-13-05
I got these kick ass spinners for my Escalade.
Spinners are simply the modern day pinwheel for the rich and gullible.
But they're shiney and spin! THEY SPIN!
And wait? How did you get a loan for an Escalade?
I was fortunate to get one of those interest only payment loans.
Too bad I can't find any interest in these "conversations" of ours.

 

by Screendummie
6-14-05
I got my bio-exorcism license! Hurray!
Bio-exorcism?
Yeah, its where I exorcise the living squatters from a ghoul's domicile.
Again this vaguely reeks of one of your rip-offs.
Are you kidding? Its a back breaking job to get ride of those meatbags.
Care for some juice to quench your thirst, oh mighty one?

 

by Screendummie
6-15-05
Damn "Hitchiker's Guide" movie got me a hankering for dolphin.
How can you say that! They're bright intelligent fish.
They're mammals, toots. And they deserve to be eaten like all of God's creations.
We're God's creation too. Do you think people should be eaten?
You're a bit on the boney side, but you'll make a nice roast.

 

by Screendummie
6-16-05
Man, I've been hearing shit about you being a racist cracker.
What you talkin' aboot? You're white aren't you?
What do mean I'm white? I'm black.
No you're white.
Fine, I'm white then.
Always the Man keeping a brother down.

 

by Screendummie
6-18-05
Welcome to "Who Wants to be a Clinton" folks. Where you compete to enjoy a life and preordained politicial career of a Clinton.
You don't have to be born in a town called Hope...*huck huck huck*...to be President. Lets meet these aspiring talents.
*Meow*
Take me to your leader.
Hi, I like your hair. Do you use a conditioner?
Um...no. Is that your left arm in your hand?

 

by Screendummie
6-20-05
Now young man, why do you want to be a Clinton?
*Meow*
Now...um...you undocumented alien, why do you want to be a Clinton?
Take me to your BigMacs.
And why do you want to be Clinton? By the way, what happened to the normal contestant?
I have this idea about helping...helping my self to people's brains. Um...the other guy...he had to go out for some smokes.

 

by Screendummie
6-21-05
*purr*
You will take me to your leader!
Worthless earth scum.
You don't happen to know where you leader is at?
Yeah...he's probably out somewhere playing with his toy vacuum popper thingy.

 

by Screendummie
6-22-05
Where did everyone go?
The orange furry thing got zapped. And the green dude took off with the corpse as a trophy.
Aw man, the same thing happened to Socks.
Aliens went after your socks like Al Bundy's?
Huck, huck, huck. You're kinda funny.
You'd be the first.

 

by Screendummie
6-23-05
Since you're the only contestant who isn't dead or gone, you're the winner.
Yay! I'm a wiener!
Huck huck huck, to funny. I wish I had you on my staff or on my cabinet.
Oh, I would've never done it. That screechy banishee that haunted the White House when you were there scares me.
Yeah, my wife kinda scares me too.
You mean she's actually human?

 

by Screendummie
6-25-05
Damn. This is all I get for winning? What I'm I gonna do with you?
Oh? You're hungry little fella? Yeah, I'm kinda hungry too.
Hey, I have some stew cookin'. Want to try out my new specialty?

 

by Screendummie
6-26-05
Hey, nice finding you here. I need a new chimp.
What happened to it?
It...um...ran away.
Huck huck huck. You ate your monkey.
Wait, why are you here?
Its the only place I can hide from Hillary.

 

by Screendummie
6-28-05
I heard about your new friend.
Oh, Bill? Yeah, he's cool.
And you were on his show! You hussy!
Hussy? I was on his reality show that lasted a day because everyone died.
And he commits unnatural acts with wildebeets!
Oh, you're talking about his fling with Monica?

 

by Screendummie
6-29-05
Listen, the guy can't even be faith with his life partner.
You know he's married to woman, I think?
Still! He cheats on her. What kind of marriage is that?
Politics buddy.
And your new friend Bill can't even admit that he had sex with her.
Hey! It was sodomy, not sex!

 

by Screendummie
7-02-05
Well, I brought the painter'ss tape.
That's it?
Yeah. I figured that bringing painter's tape makes me a painter.
What the fuck? You actually have to commit to actually fucking painting to be called a painter.
Oh, then. Fuck that.
Why do you still fucking come here?

 

by Screendummie
7-04-05
Happy Fourth of July!
The land of the free!
And home of the chili dog!
Dammit! You're line was : And the home of the brave.
I say any man who's willing enough to use the b-room after your chili dog cravings is a brave man.

Showing page 5.

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