All comics by niteowl

Profile

 

by niteowl
10-25-03
"Right Here, Right Now...."
Amazing.
Huh?
"...there is no other place I'd rather be..."
I thought Jesus Jones was supposed to be anti-establishment when they first came on the scene. Pretty sad.
Yep. Now their song is a jingle for K-Mart. Sad.

 

by niteowl
10-25-03
...and when we come back, a touching story of survival...
Oof, I gotta go.
1 minute later.
What's that smell? Did you forget to wipe your ass?
Shut up wench.

 

by niteowl
10-26-03
AC/DC - Sink The Pink
What exactly do you mean by "sink"?
Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More
*knock knock* Excuse me sir...
I gave at the office. Go away.
The Eagles - Tequila Sunrise
Man, drunk off your ass is a great way to start the day.
I'll drink to that. *hic*

 

by niteowl
10-27-03
Talking Heads - Take Me To The River
Led Zeppelin - The Ocean
Rush - The Trees
Quit hogging up all the sunlight, bitch!
You better watch it buddy, I've got a nasty case of termites. And they're contagious!

 

by niteowl
10-29-03
Hiya, Joe.
Howdy do, Ern.
Seen Ed around?
Not since sensitivity training.
So Ed, what's your favorite movie?
Steel Magnolias.

 

by niteowl
10-29-03
oof...umph...rrrrr...
Ahhh, finally free from my grave...and I'm starving.
Hi...anyplace 'round here where a zombie can get a burger?
Yeah, there's a McDonald's right over there.

 

by niteowl
10-29-03
Slayer - War Ensemble
Hi there, I'm Vice President Dick Cheney.
And I'm your President, George W. Bush. Vote for us in 2004, and you'll be voting for freedom!
Megadeth - Hangar 18
Hey man, put that away! We'll get busted.
I'll show those silly humans an anal probe.
Metallica - Breadfan
Isn't it ironic that we covered that song James?
Fuckin' A, Lars.

 

by niteowl
10-30-03
Thank you all for coming. I have called this press conference because our great nation is in grave danger.
From whom, Mr. President? Al-Qaida? Syria? North Korea?
No. Canada. We have evidence that Canada has Weapons Of Mass Destruction.
They do?
Yes, lots of them. All those darn hockey players with their skates and sticks...and what's with the CFL? 55 yard line? They really need to be stopped.

 

by niteowl
10-30-03
Carry on my wayward son...
*clink*
There'll be peace when you are done...
*clink*
Lay your weary...HEY! What's with the Susan B. Anthony Dollar coins? The sign says "Commemorative State Quarters only please!' HEY! GET BACK HERE!

 

by niteowl
10-31-03
So you're saying Jimmy Carter is an annoying celebrity? Why?
He's always going around the world with these peace proposals and stuff...
Yeah, but isn't it for the betterment of the world?
Not when you see what he's really offering.
C'mon, buy some of this Billy Beer my late brother used to make. Only $50 for a sixer!
Quit bugging me already, Jimmy. I'm not buying that nasty swill. You know, Billy Beer is a lot like Billy Ball, they're both all about the runs.

 

by niteowl
10-31-03
Yay, another trick-or-treater! That's a great costume! The blood looks so real!
What costume?
Oh shit!

 

by niteowl
10-31-03
6:20 am
GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING DIRTY BASTARD WHORE...
Honey?
SHIT EATING PRICK ASS SONOFABITCH!
DEAR! Are you ok? Did you stub your toe or something?
Nope, just preparing myself for the drive in rush hour traffic.
You forgot "jerkoff". You say that a lot.

 

by niteowl
11-01-03
God, are you there? I have a question.
Alright, let's hear it.
Is Marilyn Manson really evil? I mean, does he really worship Satan and all that? It's not just a big scam to sell more records?
Yes, yes he does worship Satan.
Meanwhile...
I really wish that self-righteous bastard would stop blaming everything bad in the world on me.

 

by niteowl
11-01-03
Pink Floyd - Careful With That Axe, Eugene
Pink Floyd - One Of These Days
POW! Right in the kisser.
Pink Floyd - One Slip
Watch out for that ice!
Ow.

 

by niteowl
11-05-03
And now for our last act of the evening. He is a comic genius, and used to swing a mean hatchet...give it up for Michael Myers!
Thank you, thank you. Wow, check out the babes in the front row tonight..SCHWING!
Oops. I swung when I should've schwinged. Would someone get that poor lady a box of Band-Aids please?

 

by niteowl
11-05-03
Well dizzle mah nizzle, Jizzeffery Dizzahmer! Wuz crackalackin?
Not much, how you doing James?
Aah you know mang, SSDD. Yo, wanna get some Chinese?
Nah man, I gave it up. I'm a vegetarian now.
The sound you hear is the asian girls breathing a sigh of relief.
No kidding.
Fo' shizzle!

 

by niteowl
11-05-03
God, were you in that movie "Real Genius"?
Nope.
Well someone was pretending to be you...the Voice of God.
That's fine. I still get residuals...er, nevermind.
Wait a second...Are you sure that wasn't you?
Listen kid, I don't even know what a phase conjugate tracking system is.

 

by niteowl
11-05-03
God, is Saddam Hussein dead?
Yes he is, my child.
Is he in heaven with you?
Yes he's here, but only for a short while..
Hey! Where's Janet and Chrissy? This party is lame! Why do I look so horrible? I'll never get a date dressed up like this.
Boss, you gotta get rid of this Ritter guy.

 

by niteowl
11-05-03
Tonight's top story, a number of men around St. Paul have been raped by a busty, hot brunette in the last few days. We now go live to Phil McCracken...
mmm...ahhh...
My, what a big microphone you have.
Now that's what I call in-depth reporting.

 

by niteowl
11-06-03
God, who's that guy who directed A Clockwork Orange?
Stanley Kubrick.
He directed Full Metal Jacket too, right?
*grits teeth* Yes...
What about the line in that movie where...
LISTEN KID, I DO NOT HAVE A HARD-ON FOR MARINES!

 

by niteowl
11-06-03
Moooooooom!
There's a monster in my closet!
Oh, don't be silly, here, I'll show you...
What's the frequency, Kenneth?
It's just Michael Stipe, Kenneth.

 

by niteowl
11-06-03
Here we have Roger, playing the newest war video game, Killing Machine.
Alright you towelheads, get ready to be liberated!
The object of the game is to invade Iraq and blow the fuck out of it.
Ooh ooh, there's Hussein's palace. You're going down sucka!
But watch out for those nasty rocket-propelled grenades!
WHAT THE FUCK? They shot me down! This is the most un-patriotic game I've ever seen!

 

by niteowl
11-07-03
I just watched Top Gun for the first time in years. I used to love that movie.
I rented it at least once every couple of weeks when I worked at the convenience store.
I sure was a stupid kid back then.
You gotta admit though, that Kelly McGillis was quite a dish.

 

by niteowl
11-08-03
Bye honey, have a good time. See you Sunday night. I'll miss you.
I'll miss you too. Bye dear.
Later...
Chippendale's? Ooh, I was gonna suggest that, Lisa!AND...we can hit the clubs afterwards, hit on the young studs and get free drinks!
Awesome! Julie, Michelle, and Tina are all coming with too. Remember last year? Oh my God, those guys we partied with were so hot!
Meanwhile...
I feel bad for her, sitting around the house all weekend with nothing to do.

 

by niteowl
11-08-03
Hello Pawn, Bishop...Hey, you in the back...what are doing here?
I'm looking for Buzz Lightyear.
Get off our chessboard infidel, this ain't fucking Toy Story!

 

by niteowl
11-08-03
Wow, this is like a soap opera for guys.
"Have you been cheating on me???"

 

by niteowl
11-08-03
Shall I serenade you, honey?
Ok dear.
20 minute medley featuring the following songs : Led Zeppelin - "Over The Hills And Far Away", Rush - "Broon's Bane" and "The Trees", ELP - "From The Beginning", and "Classical Gas".
I hope he doesn't look up and notice how bored I am.
And now for the grand finale :
YAY! The "Friends" theme song! You are the best baby!

 

by niteowl
11-10-03
Welcome to Big Kahuna Burger. Can I take your order?
Yeah, I'll have that over there.
What exactly over there on the menu would you like, sir?
That. The whole left side of the menu. And a Diet Coke.
I can hear your arteries clogging already.
It is a beautiful sound, isn't it?

 

by niteowl
11-10-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
I had to churn the mortgage broker's butter...if you catch my drift.

 

by niteowl
11-11-03
After spending 11 hours in the forest, it becomes apparent that Mac is now hopelessly lost! Oh, the humanity!
Will I ever see my family again? My friends? I wish I was home.
ROWRRRRRRRRR!
SHIT. What the hell was that?
Then panic sets in.
Hello? Is anybody out there? Ok, I'm not really a hunter. I'm just uh...see? No guns here! HELP!

 

by niteowl
11-11-03
Jesus, I'm hungry. There's no animals around to kill. What am I gonna do? Am I going to have to eat my own leg to survive???
I hope not, that's kinda gross. And kinda like a bad horror flick...Wait, what's that up ahead?
FINALLY! Don't ask for directions, you'll look like a moron. Don't ask for directions...
Hello there! Are you lost?

 

by niteowl
11-11-03
Hi there. Uh, yes I am lost. Can you help me?
Why sure, just follow me!
Wow thanks. Boy, am I glad I met you.
So am I. And so are my friends.
Just what exactly did Mac see? Is he done for? Did he really go #2 in his pants? All these questions and more will be answered in the next comic!
Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD! AGHHHH!
GET HIM BOYS!

 

by niteowl
11-11-03
Yes, Mac dropped off the Cosby Kids at the pool. Uh, not that his pants are a toilet bowl or anything...
OH SHIT! HELP!
THAT'S HIM, ONE OF THEM HUNTER FREAKS! Ewww, what's that smell?
Hey, now's no time for jokes!
Sorry. LET'S GET THAT BASTARD!
YEAH!

 

by niteowl
11-11-03
Whew, I think I lost 'em.
Think again, scumbag.
Rut roh.
*BANG*
HEY CLETUS! GIT ON OVER HERE, I GOT ONE OF 'EM!

 

by niteowl
11-11-03
*Fade to black*
*Fade in*
Good morning honey! How did you sleep?
Horrible, I had bad dreams all night. You know, I don't think I'm going to go hunting. I think I'll just stay home this weekend.
The end. Yes, that sappy, happy ending that Hollywood is famous for. That happy ending you all love so much!
Aww! I love you dear.
I love you too, honey. Let's go get a slushie.

 

by niteowl
11-12-03
*Fade to black*
*Fade in*
Now that we nuked the world and eradicated those worthless humans, what do we do next?
I dunno. Let's go find our leader.
Meanwhile, in a bunker not far away...The evil mastermind behind the destruction of the world is revealed. Betcha didn't see this coming!
THE END! RAARRR!

 

by niteowl
11-14-03
Wow, this sure is a nice house!!!
I just got it!!!
What the hell did you do to get this???
Well.....
I saved a ton of money on my horse-and-buggy insurance with Geico...

 

by niteowl
11-14-03
XTC - The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead
Andy Partridge is going to hell. Pfft, him and his blasphemy.
XTC - Dear God
Hell, I tell ya! More blasphemy!
XTC - Mayor of Simpleton
Hogwash, I'll let him in. Oranges and Lemons is a great album.

 

by niteowl
11-14-03
I can't wait until tomorrow. It'll be so nice to have a day off during the week.
Maybe I'll get some stuff done. Maybe get my haircut, or clean the house, do some laundry...
Today, 4:00 pm
*SNORE*

 

by niteowl
11-14-03
I just watched Top Gun for the first time in years. I used to love that movie.
I rented it at least once every couple of weeks when I worked at the convenience store.
I sure was a stupid kid back then.
Do you need to borrow my gun?

 

by niteowl
11-14-03
Back there, pounding on the drums...Milton Banana.
And over there playing the bass, the guy from Ipanema.
And I'm Stan Getz.

 

by niteowl
11-14-03
So, do you support the troops over in Iraq?
What do you mean by support?
Um, don't say anything bad about the war, or the president. Be a part of the team. Don't be a dissenting voice. Those troops are fighting for your freedom, after all.
I see. In other words, I shouldn't exercise my right to free speech by expressing my opinion of the Iraq situation. I should censor myself and be patriotic.
Right. Well?
Wow, look at the time! Gotta run!

 

by niteowl
11-15-03
!
Hey! Get back here!

 

by niteowl
11-15-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?

 

by niteowl
11-16-03
Good morning, sleepyhead.
Top o' the morning to you, sir.
Listen, I want to apologize for last night's incident. Sorry you got blamed for breaking the lamp.
That's ok. Did you see the look on their faces when they saw that thing shattered all over the floor? Priceless!
It is great seeing them all riled up like that. So, should we bust up that ugly vase today?
Absolutely!

 

by niteowl
11-16-03
Hey there.
Howdy...what's up?
Nothing. You look tired. The cat been chasing you again?
Yep. He must be bored, usually he waits until the humans are home.
I got an idea. Wanna trade spots? I'll fly around and irritate the cat and you can hang out here in the cage.
Nah. You don't have one of those wheel things in there.

 

by niteowl
11-20-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Why is my friend's picture on those milk cartons?
Beats me. I don't drink milk.

 

by niteowl
11-20-03
I'd like to schedule a pickup.
Ok. Thank you for choosing DHL. What is yor account number at the pickup location?
5 minutes later.
With your shipment, we will need a commercial invoice with 4 copies in original ink, a completed airwaybill, a shipper's export declaration...
15 minutes later.
...a urine sample in a COVERED cup, a blood sample, a copy of your 2003 tax return, the Social Security number of your firstborn...

 

by niteowl
11-20-03
Welcome to FedEx. Please say the service you'd like.
Pickup.
I'm sorry. I do not understand that function.
I WOULD LIKE TO SCHEDULE A PICKUP.
5 minutes later.
I'm sorry. I do not understand that function.
Christ, I hate these automated phone systems.

 

by niteowl
11-20-03
FedEx, this is Debbie, can I help you?
I'd like to schedule a pickup.
Number of packages and total weight?
5 packages, 120 pounds.
Your pickup has been scheduled. Thank you for calling FedEx. Goodbye.
5 minutes of talking to a automated phone system, 15 seconds talking to a real person. Figure that one out.

Showing page 5.

« Previous Next »