All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
3-06-07
This just in, Scooter Libby has been convicted on four of five counts relating to purjury in the Valery Plame case. Lloyd Cutler is on the scene.
Thank you, Dick. I'm here with one of the jurors on the Libby case.
The two sides presented quite differing accounts...What excatly was it that convinced you that Libby was guilty of perjury?
I think it was when it came out that he had testified while wearing a wig, a trench coat, and a diaper.

 

by kaufman
3-06-07
My god, you guys look rancid without your make-up!

 

by kaufman
3-07-07
Thank you, Gene, but I'm telling you,
you don't need to stand quite so close
to the camera.

 

by kaufman
3-20-07
A fifth-century all-points manhunt sought a mad doc - a sex-changing runt.
The searchers were crazed 'cause their lands had been razed
By transgendered Attila The Cunt.

 

What do you call two terrorists and an SUV on fire in Glasgow?
A good start?
by kaufman, 7-13-07

 

by kaufman
7-15-07
Oh my fucking god!
What?
I don't care who your dad is, you can't just come in here and xerox your butt all day!

 

by kaufman
7-15-07
The last man on earth stood in the ruins.
Suddenly the phone rang.
!
When the telemarketer spoke, the last man on earth pulled out a gun and took his own life.

 

by kaufman
7-16-07
Hey big boy, want to go and party?
Avada kedavra!
Well, that should do it. Now to get back to Hogwarts.
Dumbledore, you're back! I thought you were dead.
IDIOT! I told you to go out and destroy the HORcrux!

 

Ook-Ook Ook-Ook
by kaufman, 7-17-07

 

by kaufman
7-20-07
I know what you're thinking., Voldemort "Did he fire six spells or only five?"
Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is the most powerful wand in the world ...
... and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

 

by kaufman
8-13-07
No, no, Sven. Don't ya steal Mrs. Olafthorgesson's lutefisk. Canna ya imagine if everybody stolen da lutefisk?
Everybody getta punished in ya afterlife and dey weigh down dee undaworld until ...
Helsinki!

 

by kaufman
8-13-07
pffffffffffffff ... Aaahhh!
Hey man! This is good weed, ain't it?
Uh, Pedro, that's the third time you asked me that in the last 15 minutes.
Oh man! Y'know, maybe we should roll down the windows. It's getting kind of smoky here in the car.
Dude, we stepped outside half an hour ago.
Oh wow! Hey man! This is good weed, ain't it?

 

by kaufman
8-19-07
During the summer, bears around here live primarily on blueberries.
We know that because a graduate student determined that they can eat several hundred pounds of berries in a day.
The research was conducted through counting the seeds in the bears' scats ...
Whoa, talk about Piled Higher and Deeper ...

 

Don't blame me. I voted for convent-ional weapons.
by kaufman, 8-20-07

 

by kaufman
8-31-07
Tap_taaap_taaap tap_taaap taaap_tap taaap_tap tap_taaap
tap_tap_taaap_tap tap_tap_taaap tap_tap_tap tap_tap_tap_tap taaap_tap_taaap
tap_tap_tap_tap tap_tap taaap_tap_taaap_tap
Senator's drunk tonight.

 

by kaufman
6-05-08
One fine day in Minnesota ...
Welcome to Minneapolis!
Thank you sir! I've always wanted to come here.
After all, my mother is Mary Richards. In fact, I'm so happy to be here, I think I'll throw my hat!
*ULP!* Who's your father? Oddjob?
How'd you guess? Do I look that much like him?

 

by kaufman
6-05-08
Ok, Marty. you convinced me you've come from the future back to May, 2008, but I can't help you get back to the future.
Your time machine needs intense heat to activate the time circuits, and in 2008, we can only do that with a volcanic eruption or a huge fire or something.
I'm an ethical scientist, and I will not commit arson to get you back. And otherwise, you never know when a big fire will break out.
We do now. Look at this podcast: 30th anniversary of fire that destroyed clock tower set at Universal Studios ...

 

by kaufman
6-15-08
Vice President Cheney reiterated that this is a necessary part of the War on Terror.
He added that the United States does not, absolutely, does not regard it as torture.
So it appears that there is no end in sight for the waterboarding of Iowa. Reporting from Cedar Rapids, this is Bob Bublulbubbg

 

by kaufman
6-17-08
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzz...
TEN-HUT! Up and at 'em! On your feet, maggot!
Huh? What? Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my house?
I am General Anton P. Laziness. Now get moving!

 

You know, I really hate the smell of that stuff. Just do it without the lubricant.
by kaufman, 6-18-08

 

by kaufman
6-20-08
As The Cock flies home from saving the world again ...
Help! Help!
Hark! A damsel in distress!
Fear not! I've come to rescue you. Who is that vicious knave who has imprisoned you here?
Baseball Stat Man. Why?
Superman had his Kryptonite ...
Cliff Floyd is 24 for 91 this season, with 4 doubles, no triples and 6 homers. In home games, he is slugging .596, and has one stolen base. This month ...
Arrrrrrrrr, I'm weak! I can't lift my arms. Stop it! I'm melting!

 

by kaufman
7-18-08
Mr. President! Mr. President!
What is it now, Dick?
There's been another shark attack off the Gulf Coast.
Damn. What do you think I should do?
It's probably the work of terrorists. I say we torture them.
Ok, I'll get Alberto on the horn and ask him to okay the waterboarding of sharks.

 

by kaufman
7-18-08
whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
RAAAAAAAR!!!!
BOOP-BOOP! BOOP-BOOP!

 

by kaufman
7-19-08
Katie
...I was all set to eat it, but Tom grabbed it, threw it on the couch, and started jumping up and down on it.
Britney
I ate mine, but was only kidding. A half hour later, I declared an annulment and induced vomiting.
Jessica
That's such a hard word. I don't even know what a placenta is. So I just went ahead and ate the whole baby.

 

by kaufman
10-31-08
How! Me helpum. What be your problem?
My butter churn. It is stuck in the down position. I don't know what to do.
You tryum rotate handle clockwise while pullum up. Also a few dabs of oil serve to lubricate.
So was tech support able to help you?
Eventually, but I could barely understand her. I hate all this outsourcing to Indians!

 

by kaufman
11-07-08
Are you coming from Mrs. Ling's house? Is it worth going there? What did you get?
I got some chocolate-covered sinkers.
This is either licorice or a spool of solder.
Cherry-flavored tenement paint.
Edible radiation-proof underwear.
I'll trade you. I got a lead pipe.

 

by kaufman
11-07-08
Ok, Cap'n, beaming you up.
Scotty, I don't feel right!
I'm afraid we had a little transporter problem. Your left kidney didn't make it back. It's out there ... somewhere.
200 light years and 2 centuries away ...
All right, who keeps pissing on Mr. Nimoy's corpse?.

 

by kaufman
5-23-09
NGIIEEEEYYAAAAH!!

 

by kaufman
5-24-09
This is really boring. I knew I shouldn't have come to this reunion.
My friends say they've all enjoyed theirs, but then again, maybe they weren't home-schooled only children.

 

WELCOME LECTER H.S. CLASS OF '99
These hors d'oeuvres are really yummy. Any idea what's in them?
I'm pretty sure it's Leonard.
by kaufman, 5-27-09

 

by kaufman
5-31-09
The word is incarceration.
Could you use that in a sentence, please?
Of course. I hereby sentence you to five years' incarceration.

 

by kaufman
6-28-09
With this recent spate of dead celebrities, I know some of you may be having trouble telling them apart. So here to explain is People Magazine's Ed Lynch.
Thank you Hillary, it's pretty straightforward. While Farrah Fawcett married the $6,000,000 man, Ed McMahon WAS the $1,000,000 man for Publisher's Clearing House.
And what about Michael Jackson? What distinguishes him from them?
Well, Michael, as you recall, sang "ABC". Ed was seen every night on NBC.
That's pretty good. But can you tell the difference between Michael and Farrah?
Piece of cake. You could always find Farrah's face on the WALLS of 12 year old boys ...

 

by kaufman
7-01-09
Very well done. I'm giving you an A.

 

by kaufman
7-15-09
I'm really excited about the Tour this year. Have you heard any news from France?
Yeah, I hear Marie Antoinette is ahead.
Ok, thanks.
Hey!

 

by kaufman
9-19-09
I wonder what Stephen Hawking does on Talk Like a Pirate Day?
Maybe he uses a chainsaw.

 

by kaufman
10-07-09
Baby Jesus, I've delivered you the gifts the Wise Men ordered for you.
Let's see. Cold, Frankenstein, ... What is this? Are you fuckin' hard of hearing or something?
moh.

 

by kaufman
10-25-09
Ding Dong
Yes?
Trick or Treat!
Halloween on Mars
What are you? That's the scariest costume I've seen all night. Here, let me give you some candy.

 

by kaufman
10-25-09
Another successful Halloween. Time to take of my costume ...
Ah. That's better. And now to enjoy some of my loot.
My lucky day. Those apples contained razor blades. Time for a new look.

 

After a long, hard day, Rex likes nothing better than to go online and spend some quality time on Buttbook.
by kaufman, 11-03-09

 

by kaufman
11-19-09
Quick, Jessica, I need to draw a Japanese-style cartoon as a tribute to the World Series MVP.
Are you drunk, Matthew? You walk in the door and start babbling about a comic? At least kiss me hello.
No time for that. Now I just need to reach into the drawer with all my cartooning supplies and I'll be ready to ...
Go ahead. Make my day.
Hey! The drawer is locked! I can't get in.
I hid the key, Matt. Sue me!

 

by kaufman
11-23-09
Larry, you idiot, we told you to bring us ZEEBA! Not ZEBAA!

 

by kaufman
11-25-09
After the Battle of Hundredmeterdash
Sire, the battle is over. We are victorious.
I can see that, you moron! The fighting was right over there.
After the Battle of Ironmantriathlon
Where is that messenger? I hope he didn't croak before getting here. How will I find out what happened?
After the Battle of Rhythmicgymnastics
Come on, quit flinging that ribbon around and just tell me what happened!

 

by kaufman
11-28-09
To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take...
Sorry, Hamlet. Your 140 characters is up.

 

by kaufman
11-28-09
Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposit...
150 years later...
And that was it?
That was it.
That's not a very good speech.
No, Abraham Lincoln had trouble expressing himself in 140 characters. On the other hand, Calvin Coolidge was a brilliant orator.

 

by kaufman
11-28-09
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: We hold these truths to be self evident: th...
Ok, move along, Martin. Your 140 characters are up.
Any idea what the fuck he was talking about?
I have no idea, man, that's one crazy nigger.

 

by kaufman
11-28-09
A long long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile, And I knew if I had my chance, that I could make those peop...
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. McLean has used up his 140 characters. Have a good night, and please drive safely.

 

by kaufman
11-28-09
1: I am the Lord, thy God. 2: Thou shalt have no other gods beside me.
3: Thou shalt not take the Lord's Name in vain. 4: Remember the Sabba...
3250 years later ...
... And so God twittered Moses the 3 1/3 Commandments.
Father, what's a sabba?

 

by kaufman
12-08-09
I can't believe all those things they're now saying about Tiger Woods.
I mean really. He's the greatest golfer ever, spends 25 hours a day studying, practicing, playing golf ...
Where'd he have the time for all those mistresses?
I don't know. But I've always heard he can get through 9 in just 32 strokes...

 

by kaufman
1-09-10
Oooooh yes, harder, harder!
Oh baby, this feels so good.
Come on ... honey, honey, what's wrong?
Is somebody in bed with us?
Click.
We were invited, weren't we, Michaela?
Absolutely, Tareq, you guys don't mind, do you?

 

by kaufman
1-09-10
I DON'T believe what I am seeing.
That is the FIFTH play in a row that the
What? Don't look at us.
Redskins were called for too many players on the field.

Showing page 51.

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