All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

My roommate is way too much into the lesbian scene.
Tell her to think outside the box.
I'd call her a drama queen if that made sense. She's Oscar worthy.
It's like she's ready to walk down the red carpet.
Then munch it.

 

I like your eyes.
Thanks.
This is where you say something nice about me.
I like how you solicit compliments.

 

I'm going to see my hot dentist tomorrow.
Are you going to get any cavities filled?
Nah.
I'm pretty sure he's straight.

 

That's a great shirt.
Nobody appreciates my fashion sense since I moved to this small town.
They call me The Hipster.
It must be hard to be metro when you're 300 miles from an actual metropolis.

 

Hey, you're name is Greg, right?
Yeah, didn't we meet at a conference?
Yeah. I'm flying up for a few days with the guy I'm sitting next to.
GREAT! Let's all go out and I'll show you around.
Oh...he's straight. I'm here on business.
Oh...nevermind then.

 

Is this the stop for the long-term parking shuttle?
Yes.
Where'd you come from?
I was in San Francisco.
OH! Nice.... Soooooo....
You're not my type.

 

You know, I really wanted to like your last boyfriend.
But?
He reminded me too much of all the bitchy girls I know.
That's okay.
Believe it or not, I thought we actually had a lot in common.
Yeah, that's probably why I broke up with him.

 

I wish you wouldn't smoke around me.
I'd think a homo would be the last person to be judgmental.
Well, when I have sex with a guy, nobody gets hurt.
You're that loose, huh?

 

You and your sorority sisters were really loud last night.
Did it bother you?
Yeah, it was really annoying.
Because we were drunk and singing?
I suppose it would be different if I wanted to fuck you.

 

My wife and I are pregnant.
I thought you were showing.
It is pretty amazing when you think about it.
I'd be pretty amazed if I found a penis under all that too.

 

What would you like?
Something stiff.
Meet me in the bathroom...I'll see if anyone has any poppers.

 

As a straight man, I have no idea if I have a big dick or not.
I suppose the only hard ones you've ever seen are your own and guys in porn, and that's not a realistic comparison.
Yeah, and every woman who has ever commented on mine may have just been lying to make me feel good.
They say the average penis is 5.5 inches, but that seems on the small side to me.
At what point do you measure from?
Usually the back of the throat.

 

Somebody showed me a t-shirt online that says, "Sorry girls, I suck dick."
I found it offensive.
You've said worse things that that.
No, I was offended that it came in 5XL.
And you haven't?

 

So you're really gay?
Yes.
I never would have guessed.
That's because I'm not really gay.

 

Hey, hottie--you want a nice, sloppy blow job?
I don't really hookup with strangers.
You aren't worried about diseases are you?
That's one of the reasons.
Have you taken into consideration all the alcohol on my breath?

 

I had a beard in the Eighties.
I had several.
I can't picture you with facial hair.
Who said anything about facial hair?

 

I'm a cocksucker.
Admitting it is the first step to recovery.
No, I'm a REAL cocksucker!
I'll bet you are!
I mean, I want to suck your cock.
Geez, why didn't you say so?

 

If I ask you a fashion question, will you laugh at me or say, "It's about time?"
Well?
I'm thinking.

 

Are you all ready for your trip?
No.
I have to run home and pack my shit.
If I could pack my own shit...
I know, I know.

 

Last night, my long-time partner dropped to his knee as soon as I got home.
Did he do what I think he did?
No! The bitch asked me to marry him!

 

I can't wait...Pride is next weekend!
I just love being able to show the world who I am. It's such a confidence booster.
What are your plans?
I'm going to starve myself for the next week so I'll look good shirtless.

 

Hey! How was your vacation?
It was great.
I think you should take me with you the next time you go on a cycling tour of Europe.
I never knew you liked to bicycle.
You don't need a bike to shop.

 

I like those shoes--did you get them from the L.L. Bean catalog?
Hey, fuck you too!
by AccentuateNegative, 7-27-05

 

I'd like to get my lips on that!
by AccentuateNegative, 7-27-05

 

That'll be $268.72.
I like that shirt.
Would you like a 20% discount?
Yes.
That'll be $214.98.
Now you know why our closets are full.

 

I'm bi.
Do you know what that means?
I think so...what?
You have a taste for men...
...but not for clothes.

 

WOOF!
Why did you just "woof" at me?
I'm a bear. That's what we say when we think a guy is hot.
I thought bears growled and dogs woofed.
Whatever dude...hey look at that twink up at the bar.
Meow.

 

What kind of guys do you like?
I could go into great detail, but I know what you want to hear, so I'll just say, "my age or younger."
I'm so sick of guys who won't date older men.
So why don't you date men your own age?
Old guys are boring.

 

Hey man, you're really cute.
You too.
Whattaya say we leave this place? I'll drop to my knees, you can pump my face and after I've swallowed every last drop of cum, I'll lick your ass until you're ready to pound my hole.
Well, gosh, I don't normally do this, but...
I hope you don't mind going a little slow--I've never been with a guy before.

 

Do you like rimming?
I've never done it before.
It's fun.
I'll have to take your word for it.
How about kissing?
Sorry, I know where your tongue has been.

 

RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING RING
Um, Hullo?
What's up, dude?
Nothing--I was sleeping.
Oh, I was going to see if I could come over and suck your cock.
I'm up now.

 

I'm Italian.
Is it true what they say about Italian guys?
Yes.
Cool--he thinks I have a big dick.
Ew--he has a haiy back.

 

I'm Irish.
It it true what they say about Irish guys?
Yes.
He thinks I'm a big drinker.
HA! Small dick.

 

Is it true what they say about Asian guys?
Yes.
Better to be honest about my small penis.
Good--can you calculate the tip?

 

Is it true what they say about black guys?
Yes.
This is a stereotype I can live with.
I'm not going to touch this one with a 10-inch pole.

 

Is it true what they say about Mexicans?
NO!

 

Is it true what they say about Middle Eastern guys?
Yes, we are all hung.
Especially in Iran.

 

My landlord is raising my rent again.
That's so gay.
I wish you wouldn't use the word "gay" when you mean bad.
Why not?
That's so lame.

 

Just once, I'd like to have a meaningful relationship, but gay men are too shallow.
I wonder if we'd treat dating so trivially if we could get married.
I doubt that would even change things. Our whole community is too self-centered.
Amen. So why did you break up with your last boyfriend?
He found out he was poz.
Sucks to be him.

 

Okay, everyone get out five bucks.
What's this about?
Can I owe you?
I'm gay.
Damnit! You were right. Here you go.
I thought we agreed on ten.

 

You're really hot. You know, I like guys in their forties.
I'm not in my forties.
I know.
So are you hitting on me because (a) you think i look like i'm in my forties, (b) you're horny, or (c) all of the above?
Does it matter?
Not if the answer is (b) or (c).

 

Let's see, we were at summer camp and it was after lights-out. She asked me if I'd ever been kissed, and I said, "No," so she came over and gently placed her lips on mine...
I reached between her legs and got her good and wet...then i slipped off her nighty and pulled her panties down. We made passionate love until the sun came up.
Okay, that's how you straight guys picture lesbians. Here's the reality...
I saw her carrying a toilet across the parking lot of Home Depot and it was love at first sight.
I recognized her from my womyn's rugby league.

 

Hey, bro.
Do I know you?
Not yet, buddy.
Stop it.
Stop what, amigo?

 

In state after state, the people have spoken. They think marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman only.
Yeah, it would really suck if an entire group of citizens got equal rights at a time when the majority of Americans opposed it.

 

Dear Fag, My girlfriend won't let me have sex with her in her butthole. Am I gay if I do it with my friend Dave instead?
Dear Intruder, Performing a gay act doesn't make you gay.
Liking it does.

 

Dear Fag, Just how big of a stereotype is the girly-voice and limp-wristed wave?
Dear You-Ask-I'll-Tell, It's absolutely true.
People who do the wave at sporting events are really, really gay.

 

Dear Fag, When hot, drunk indie-rock boys say I'm cuuuuuuute after I give them ten cents for a bus ride, are they speaking the truth?
Dear Three-Beer- Queer, There's a good chance they really do think you're cute.
But keep in mind that people who ride public transportation already have very low standards.

 

dear vaginally challenged male, if gays are born gay, why aren't their first words always "PAlease?"
Dear Confused, for the record, no vagina has ever chalenged me and won, but to answer your question...
whatEVER!

 

I've been getting e-mails and instant messages from 14 year-old girls who think I'm the singer in some new band who has the same name as me.
You should send them photos of your unit.
I'd never do that.
Afraid of getting arrested?
That and it's not fair for people to judge him solely by the sheer magnificence of his cock this early in his career.

 

Dear Fag, do men that routinely engage in anal sex eventually get conditioned to be turned on by the smell of poop?
Dear Senator Santorum, I...uh... well...gee, that's... er...I mean... hmmmmmmmm. Be right back...
Someone found out about us.
Does this mean you'll take me out in public now?

Showing page 6.

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