All comics by EvilZak

Profile

 

by EvilZak
7-25-04
"Once, there was an online role playing game."
Trading three corn ear for buffalo bow.
Buffalo bow isn't worth three corn ear you newbie!
"Then hackers took over the server and ran a first person shooter on it."
I'm going to get a fourth ship and call it "The PWN"!
Oh my god! Squanto's using a wallhacker! Faggot!
...and that is how America came to be.

 

by EvilZak
8-07-04
You're the biggest loser ever.

 

by EvilZak
8-14-04
Enough fucking around Vinnie. Ya gots the Don's money or whut? It ain't good ta keeps the Don waiting ya know. I don't wants ta havta bust ya balls.
*Gulp* Um I-I-I don't have the Don's money b-b-but maybe I can repay him some other way?
Hmmm...
Uh oh.
Here's a drawing of ten thousand dollars.

 

by EvilZak
9-12-04
Well, Cletus, this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
Yer absolutely right...
But before we fight, there's something I wants to tell you...
I gots a foil Charizard!

 

by EvilZak
9-12-04
I hate it when people make fun of my homosexuality. Gays are people too.
I love the way you feel. I want someone like you to father my children.
Make love to me. Now.

 

by EvilZak
10-22-04

 

by EvilZak
10-26-04
Hey, Ozzie! I want a frying pan REEEEEAL bad! Do you have any idea what I would do for a frying pan?
No, what?
I'd eat all my raw eggs for a frying pan!
...
Well, now you just need to find someone who wants to watch a dog eat raw eggs, and has a spare frying pan.

 

by EvilZak
10-26-04
One time I impressed a rock star!
How did you do that?
I was the only person in the history of the universe to listen to his music!
Then how was he a star?
When I talk about me, I'm not talking about all his other fans. DUMBASS.

 

by EvilZak
10-26-04
Hey, did you know that I was on Wheel of Fortune?
No. How'd you do?
My strategy used the fact that E is the most common letter. Every time it was my turn, I bought an E!
Fortunately, the answer to every puzzle was "E EEE EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEE E EEEE EEEEE EEEEE".

 

by EvilZak
10-26-04
Hey Ozzie, I just wrote a new commercial for the dog food company I work for! Go watch it!
Okay.
"It's BACON!" "No it isn't, you dipshit dog! It's Beggin Strips! Dogs are too fucking stupid to realize it's not bacon!"
That was the worst commercial I've ever seen in my life!
You're just mad because you didn't get a cameo and I did.

 

by EvilZak
10-27-04
Here's something that's been bugging me for a while. How DO they make shredded cheese?
You take a big hunk of cheese, then cut it into lots of little shreds with a cheese grater.
Oh. I always thought it was the other way around.
Huh?
I always figured they took a lot of shreds of cheese and formed hunks out of them.

 

by EvilZak
10-27-04
Oh no, that big guy fucked my ass too hard and I died!
Welcome to Hell! Tonight we will be chain-whipping, followed by acid-bathing and we'll finish up with a full night of sleep in an iron maiden. It's torturing time!
The only torture going around here is your wallpaper, torturing my eyes! Seriously, this color scheme is AWFUL! I'm painting Hell green!
What? No, you can't do that!
Look, I'm sorry about the whole "homosexuality is a sin" thing.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-04
Shawn Victor Kahmmix is now dead after ninety years. He was famous for making wacky plans to run the funeral industry out of business.
WELL LOOK WHO'S GOT THE LAST LAUGH NOW, YOU SHITHEAD CORPSE!

 

by EvilZak
10-28-04
You remember how my pet cat died? Turns out he left me a million dollars in his will.
When do you get the money?
I don't.
Apparently, scratchposts are not legal documents.

 

by EvilZak
10-28-04
Whatever you're feeling, just let it out.
I meant your love for me, not your diarrhea!

 

by EvilZak
10-31-04
Did you hear that they're planning on putting a new construction on top of an Indian burial ground?
No.
Well I think it's wrong, and I'm not going to let it happen! If I have to shoot those responsible, I will!
Tear down that gravstone or die!

 

by EvilZak
10-31-04
Bob Koltop was a man who meant a lot to all...OH MY GOD HE'S MOVING! HE'S ALIVE! OH MY GOD! HE'S COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!
Just kidding!

 

by EvilZak
10-31-04
Words can not express how we miss Eliza Moore.
Dibs on the eyeballs!

 

by EvilZak
10-31-04
Gordon Labling was more than just a man, he was an inspiration. His death has caused sadness to us all.
But look on the bright side, there's insurance! And don't forget the will!

 

by EvilZak
10-31-04
Despite his multiple murders, rapes, and kidnappings, we all loved Billy Roberts.
I'm sure he's smiling down on us from Heaven.

 

by EvilZak
11-01-04
"Topic title: George W. Bush = giant boner. Literally."
Hmmm...
I've got George W. Bush in my pants!

 

by EvilZak
11-03-04
America went in to Iraq with only Great Britain and Australia as allies.
You forgot Poland!
We're going to ensure security and freedom in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, and Korea.
You forgot the United States.

 

by EvilZak
11-11-04
Hey, a cop! Did you see how I PUSHED EVILZAK off a skyscraper into jail?
Yeah, fortunately he landed in the Criminal Giant Beanbag's cell and was unhurt. However you are taking his place in jail for life for ATTEMPTED MURDER!
Elsewhere...
EvilZak, this is the insurance agency. Here is a billion dollars for your fall.
Since you're so nice, I won't sue you.
We thought you would say that, but just to be on the safe side, we're also giving you some hot ladies.

 

by EvilZak
11-30-04
I'm king of the world!
I expect you to die.
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker.
I know kung fu.
Why are you torturing me like this? Why?
I believe you have my stapler.

 

by EvilZak
12-09-04
I am bored out of my mind. Got any ideas?
You could always shoot up a dimebag.
That's not what I meant.

 

by EvilZak
12-10-04
I'd like to thank my family, friends, teammates, and coaches for helping me get here.
But most of all, I'd like to thank the lord and saviour Jesus Christ for giving me the strength I needed to win.
You are being accused of possesion and sale of anabolic steroids. How do you plead?
Fifth!

 

by EvilZak
1-04-05
Dude, what's the big deal with the tsunami in Asia?
A hundred thousand Asians died, man!
Well, why didn't the Asians just surf instead of drown?
Stupid question, dude.
Everyone knows Charlie don't surf!

 

by EvilZak
11-04-05
Today, I will teach you MORONS one of algebra's basics, the QUADRATIC FORMULA! Not that it matters because you DIPSHITS will just DROOL ALL OVER YOURSELVES for the entire period!!!!!!
LISTEN UP, or YOU GET AN F'IN F!!!!!!!!!! X = -B +/- the MOTHERFUCKING SQUARE ROOT of (B² - 4AC)/2A, NUMBNUTS!!!!!!!!
Is the answer four?
NOOOOOOOO!!!

 
by EvilZak, 11-04-05

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